I appreciated everything I had. I
really, truly, cherished everything I had and truly felt I had
everything I could ever want in life at one point in time. The most
painful thing about all of this was the awareness in the back of my
mind that all of this was slipping out from my grasp, through my
fingers, and no matter how hard or what I tried, it was all going
away, leaving me barren with only fear and panic and a heart
shattered beyond repair.
I saw the end coming and foolishly,
I tried to hold it back and cling tightly to what I thought I had,
believing I had a chance, that I could save it from the inevitable.
Something I have learned, though, is...if you can see the end, it's
already too late. People have made up their minds, and despite how
pure or gold your intentions may be, no matter what you lay before
you to sacrifice or try to atone with, it's not ever going to be
“worthy.”
At one point in my life, I had the job
I had always dreamed of, a person whom I loved more than anything,
and the band I had spent my entire life dreaming of. I had it all. I
lived comfortably, I was pursuing my life-long goal, and working hard
to improve and trying to become what I felt everyone I valued needed
me to be. The problem with all of this is, the more I struggled with
the exterior validity others were not affording me, the more and more
I lost pieces of myself and the deeper and deeper I sank into a hole
of lost identity and sickness.
It has taken me a long time to accept
all of the shocking truths that have revealed themselves in my life.
I literally felt abandoned by almost everyone I had ever known or
trusted at one point. My friends had either forgotten about me or
managed to lose touch and interest in my life entirely around the
same time my life for the past 6 years found itself in utter ruins.
On top of that, I couldn't manage to accept that the “dream job”
I had was actually a lie. I was never going to be accepted or be “one
of them,” no matter how hard I tried. It's interesting to see how
everything fell apart around the same time, though. I think it's one
of life's most spectacular lessons I've had to endure. I found myself
alienated and alone, hardly anyone to turn to as I had to find a way
to re-start in a foreign land...a new life. Nobody to love and no one
there to love me...a new place to live in a new part of town all of
the sudden after a new job...it all happened so fast, in just a blink
of an eye. I slowly began to realize...people really don't care. No,
really, they don't. Unless you're doing something for them, people do
not give a shit. Sometimes, even if you are doing something for
someone they couldn't care less. And sometimes after years of doing
almost everything you can for some people, the only thing they have
left for you is quite a different sentiment than what you might hope
for. This all sounds so negative, but bear with me...the reason I'm
putting all of this down is, it's one thing I've had to learn to
re-affirm that exterior validation is an ever failing quest. People
don't care, and therefore, by entrusting your validity in them,
you're only asking to come up short. I've been given more reasons to
tell the world to fuck off in the past 6 months than some people ever
get in a period of years. I'm the fucking little red hen! Nobody
helped plant the seeds or reap or knead... the bread is MINE,
bitches!!!! I'm not saying that nobody has helped me along the rugged
path I've been treading, I owe my thanks to the few who really have
stuck around or inspired me to embrace the suffering as something
beautiful and essential to being reborn into something so much
greater...but any of the naysayers who want to give me their two
cents in the things to come, they can suck it. Every single damn good
thing that's about to happen is something I've already bled for.
I have so much more to do before I can
really say I've overcome what I've been facing. My demons have found
such incredible strength in all this, and just getting out of bed is
a battle beyond words sometimes. But I've also learned that in
choosing to live for something bigger than me, in the belief that I
can create something more beautiful than anything I could actually
ever become. I've been learning so much about things beyond the
secular and what might really matter. But even if I have the ability
to recognize things, I haven't yet reached the level of true
utilization, and I suppose that is why I continue to pay the price of
something I'm not truly sure of. I'm still in full battle with my
ego...trying to kill the negative, the sickness, the poison and
trying to see beyond what's left and into what's to come.
Something nobody ever tells you when
you're a kid with dreams is how much your dreams will take...how if
you really follow them, you'll be giving up everything else along the
way as payment. Nobody tells you that dreams kill all the other
things and that like a sickness, it'll consume you and everything you
thought life was about. Nobody ever says because few hardly do and
even fewer really know. It's such a beautiful, terrible thing...so
wonderful and painful and lonely. It takes you out far from
others...you drift away and find yourself as a spectator of the life
and things you left behind and you become a lost explorer headed towards
unknown territory. There are times you can't recognize your own
reflection and words fail you, but there's no holding back. It takes
all, you give all.
