Today has been no less of a test than many other trying ones. My schedule and expectations for me to perform are growing, and it feels like the voice in my head keeps screaming and straining harder to be heard by me. I have to keep going. Sometimes, that's all I can say to myself. It isn't that I can't handle all that it being thrown at me, but sometimes I can't avoid getting some sort of tension headache to accompany me throughout the day.
So, I found myself under pressure again...tomorrow I have to perform a "show" they call "Open House," where the child(ren)'s mother(s) come to class and semi-participate in the lesson and directly observe all that goes on. Tommorrow's lesson is not what worries me. It is my monster class that I am deeply concerned about. Today was another awful lesson gone terribly wrong. Despite being on the "right" teams to behave correctly, much went terribly wrong. Not only was I NOT listened to when explaining games, but there were quarrels and bickering and even objects thrown between classmates. Apparently, when observed by the assistant manager, my face was "scary." I can't seem to help but show how FUCKING STRESSED I feel just being around these mini assholes. I know it is a twisted, cruel game they are playing, but at the same time, smiling sincerely and being glad about the little progress, if any, or better yet pretending to be excited about their half-ass participation in class is an increasingly difficult thing for me to try. I need better lies...for myself and others. I need to fool myself into thinking that it doesn't matter if they even pay attention and get the information they need from the lesson. I need to pretend that it's FANTASTIC that they for once don't use Engrish with their vocab pronunciation. I know at this point I am being visibly manipulated by little piss-ants less than half my age. I will find a way to make it stop somehow, but the main thing I need to convince myself of is that it doesn't really matter to be a "good" teacher with this class. Trying hard to enforce what they need to learn...well, fuck it. Honestly, it is not my fault if they don't learn because they choose instead to waste my time and focus on the minuscule things in life like how ugly their classmate looks. I'll need to meditate before this class from now in, it seems, but I also need to adopt a new outlook. If I cared less, it would bother me less frequently, and at this point I think that matters the most. I'm tired of caring. Honestly, i don't give a flying fuck about the little manipulative assholes who want to see me crack because they are miserable with their lives. It's not my fault your fathers send you to cram school at age 9 and expect you to be more fluent in English which you will NEVER be, because your pronunciation SUCKS and you don't make enough effort to prepare for class. You'll wake up at age 30 and realize that your Engrish is causing problems at work and due to a communication error, you may be fired. I think imagining this scenario and smiling at them as they call the games we play stupid and boring and they barely form a sentence...well, it might help.
I realize kids are selfish, but that's no excuse to be a bastard. My problem is that I actually care too much. I take my job too seriously and try too hard with everything. In this case, I just need to laugh at how awful they are making it for themselves and act as if it is amazing at all when they do something right...well, I guess it is amazing. If only I could adopt the "fuck you" attitude and just get through class with laughter and smiles. Perhaps imagining how they will talk in 5 years will do it...
Well, off to something better. At least other things are smoothing over a little. I am getting more used to the other daily pressures, I think, and Friday may bring a huge challenge, but I am up for showing what I am made of. Aaaand outside of the life-eating occupation, I have made a little more progress in my ambitions... a good friend of mine gave me a Japanese site for musicians. I know my ability is limited, but I have had a few replies to messages. I've started my search for musicians!! ^^ I know that this year is supposed to suck, but the little things that I have working in the right direction make it worth while as they can remind me of where I can be someday, and what I am still working for. I am learning more and more that survival here has much to do with a convincing mask and some kind of lie you can believe in. I know that sounds strange, especially to those who may think of being here...but really, tate-mae is something truly functional in daily life, You smile excitedly at the students whom you hate, you act interested in people who are more boring than rocks. You accept the fact that you can act like a Nihonjin and dress like one, but will be stared at as if you came from Mars. You get used to people expressing the ultimate degree of surprise when Japanese falls from your lips instead of some unintelligible language. You act like your job is your life when you are there and pretend it is the greatest thing you could possibly be doing with yourself. You act surprised at the same questions you may get asked 500 times a day, and you show that the next time you meet someone is something you absolutely look forward to. Everything is fine. You have no stress or headaches. You have no sickness. Your mask is what they need to see. Honestly is something quite discouraged most times.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Still Sick, But...I Could have Sang....~
Today was nothing less than magical for me. Not that anything spectacular happened to me directly, but my experiences were none other than fabulous. I went to the Takarazuka Revue for the first time today to see an incredible rendition of Phantom of the Opera, Honestly, the actresses were all so good, there was not a moment of disappointment when watching. The sets were amazing, their costumes were beautiful, and their voices,....well, let's just say that the woman who played the phantom made me fall in love because her voice and acting were so good. I felt all the passion of the character, and her voice was so charismatic....I knew I would enjoy seeing a play, but I didn't expect to actually fall for it all. The fact that all people on stage are women is very confusing....those who play men exude a special kind of presence on stage, so it is easy to walk away feeling confused . In all honesty, I was swept off my feet today. I think it is dangerous that I work so close to the theater...I might get addicted.
After a relaxing afternoon of eating sandwiches, talking with my friend and losing my umbrella, we eventually ventured towards the BBQ we had intended to go to. At first I felt a little awkward and uncomfortable, but as the night progressed and I continued to drink...well, everything lightened up and I had a great time meeting and talking to new people. I actually met a few people who love music, which always makes me happy ^.^; I'm not sure what all was said since I had a bit to drink...but I know that there were many nice people to speak with. I know my dreams are still far from reach, but I still feel like with days such as this, I've made a step closer to them. Even just talking to people who love music...it's something hard for me, but something necessary. I hope I can continue onward in this direction and gain footing for the travels ahead!
I am kind of glad that I didn't have a voice to sing with today. If I did, temptation might have gotten the better of me after a few beers, and I might have done something
After a relaxing afternoon of eating sandwiches, talking with my friend and losing my umbrella, we eventually ventured towards the BBQ we had intended to go to. At first I felt a little awkward and uncomfortable, but as the night progressed and I continued to drink...well, everything lightened up and I had a great time meeting and talking to new people. I actually met a few people who love music, which always makes me happy ^.^; I'm not sure what all was said since I had a bit to drink...but I know that there were many nice people to speak with. I know my dreams are still far from reach, but I still feel like with days such as this, I've made a step closer to them. Even just talking to people who love music...it's something hard for me, but something necessary. I hope I can continue onward in this direction and gain footing for the travels ahead!
I am kind of glad that I didn't have a voice to sing with today. If I did, temptation might have gotten the better of me after a few beers, and I might have done something
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
First Time Being A Sick Alien
It's incredible to me how differently your body can act when succumbing to an immense amount of pressure that seems to build in small increments. Constantly on your shoulders, it weighs on you a little more each day. Some days, you wake with the right attitude to bear it all and still fight to do more with the day than to just make it through. Other days, you feel crushed and withered, shrunken and it's a struggle to even make the first few steps outside your door. I am sure everyone has different degrees of this to experience, but for some wonderful reason, my mind and body have decided to take the extreme versions of these. I can go from feeling like one of the most lucky people in the world and on top of things to feeling like a lowly piece of crap, burdensome to everyone around me and a waste of space, feeding off of everyone's time and energy in a matter of moments. I thought I had issues before with a bipolar lifestyle.... This is a whole new level of hell here.
My fellow foreigner coworker tries to gingerly remind me that to live here and have this job, you have to have thick skin. I keep wondering what will become of me since I know that can't be me, I can't desensitize and lose my overempathetic and compassionate and sensitive nature. I wonder sometimes if due to the great differences between how I am and what I need to be, if I'll be eaten alive or swallowed by the build-up of all these things I am learning are far from my control. I am sure there might come a point where I will just adjust to "this is just a job, a means, not an end." I don't seem to be close to getting it yet.
For now, even small things area frustrating, panic-worthy aspects of trouble in my life. For some awesome reason, I am constantly hyper-sensitive and prone to freaking out. I can't really place my finger on the exact reason why.... It could be the fact that my independence and feelings of self worth have diminished appreciably in the context of having no ability to "do it by myself," in always "needing" someone there to help me do just about everything but breathe for me. Just asking questions like what kind of facility I go to for something causes a stir. People start worrying about who has to take care of the poor little incapable pet next. So on to the current embarrassing situation.
I had the comment made to me this morning that I don't even know my ownbody. No, not really... Not right now. My whole physical condition is in a state of freaking. So in all honesty, I sincerely thought I had a sinus infection Monday. I got home from Kenji's that morning, and as soon as I laid down to rest, I discovered that my body wanted to make it apparent that I had no energy and that my skin was sore and I ached all over. I took a nap and awoke to oozing yellow mucus and an awful sinus headache... Later on, I had a kind of low-grade fever and my throat had the sensation that someone swabbed it with sandpaper. This all continued into later that evening, when I cried over the burnt toast that was intended to be my dinner and I gave up on the day and went to sleep. I awoke the next morning with a lesser feeling of the same symptoms, but because I still felt relatively weak, I thought it could ne a problem needing to be fixed before gaining a new level of seriousness. After asking around for a nearbyclinic and how to describe certain symptoms, I hadalarmed my manager enough to the point of scheduling to meet the next morning to go to a clinic... Because there is no way I could could possibly do it on my own. Here comes the shameful part... After being all worked up over going and preparing to describe how I felt, I wake up to a new day and a huge difference in my condition. In normal circumstances, one might be happy or even relieved to conclude on their own that it turned out to be a minor and sudden cold, but in my circumstance, I find it to be a burdensome joke of nature. I can't help but now feel like I not only wasted time and patience from others, but that I can't really be taken seriously. It now looks like I just flip out on all the small things, like the girl who screamed,"Dragon!" I am seriously considering telling myself to f#<¥ off for awhile and ignoring the things I imagine are happening.
Ugh, I've become such a damn headcase. The thing I hate the most of all, though, is the fact that the frustration won't go away from being an infantile alien. Everyone sees it as a duty to "take care of" you, but in acting all the time, there is no freedom or feeling of accomplishment I can get. I feel more and more worthless each time I am shown that I "couldnt possibly have done this on my own." I just feel like a weight on anyone who happens to volunteer in "assisting me." it just adds to that pressure I was mentioning. I guess this is why beer is a necessary lubricant to functioning. At least it dulls those pangs of worthlessness that you still think about at the end of the day. I just need to prove myself... To accomplish LIVING here.
My fellow foreigner coworker tries to gingerly remind me that to live here and have this job, you have to have thick skin. I keep wondering what will become of me since I know that can't be me, I can't desensitize and lose my overempathetic and compassionate and sensitive nature. I wonder sometimes if due to the great differences between how I am and what I need to be, if I'll be eaten alive or swallowed by the build-up of all these things I am learning are far from my control. I am sure there might come a point where I will just adjust to "this is just a job, a means, not an end." I don't seem to be close to getting it yet.
For now, even small things area frustrating, panic-worthy aspects of trouble in my life. For some awesome reason, I am constantly hyper-sensitive and prone to freaking out. I can't really place my finger on the exact reason why.... It could be the fact that my independence and feelings of self worth have diminished appreciably in the context of having no ability to "do it by myself," in always "needing" someone there to help me do just about everything but breathe for me. Just asking questions like what kind of facility I go to for something causes a stir. People start worrying about who has to take care of the poor little incapable pet next. So on to the current embarrassing situation.
I had the comment made to me this morning that I don't even know my ownbody. No, not really... Not right now. My whole physical condition is in a state of freaking. So in all honesty, I sincerely thought I had a sinus infection Monday. I got home from Kenji's that morning, and as soon as I laid down to rest, I discovered that my body wanted to make it apparent that I had no energy and that my skin was sore and I ached all over. I took a nap and awoke to oozing yellow mucus and an awful sinus headache... Later on, I had a kind of low-grade fever and my throat had the sensation that someone swabbed it with sandpaper. This all continued into later that evening, when I cried over the burnt toast that was intended to be my dinner and I gave up on the day and went to sleep. I awoke the next morning with a lesser feeling of the same symptoms, but because I still felt relatively weak, I thought it could ne a problem needing to be fixed before gaining a new level of seriousness. After asking around for a nearbyclinic and how to describe certain symptoms, I hadalarmed my manager enough to the point of scheduling to meet the next morning to go to a clinic... Because there is no way I could could possibly do it on my own. Here comes the shameful part... After being all worked up over going and preparing to describe how I felt, I wake up to a new day and a huge difference in my condition. In normal circumstances, one might be happy or even relieved to conclude on their own that it turned out to be a minor and sudden cold, but in my circumstance, I find it to be a burdensome joke of nature. I can't help but now feel like I not only wasted time and patience from others, but that I can't really be taken seriously. It now looks like I just flip out on all the small things, like the girl who screamed,"Dragon!" I am seriously considering telling myself to f#<¥ off for awhile and ignoring the things I imagine are happening.
Ugh, I've become such a damn headcase. The thing I hate the most of all, though, is the fact that the frustration won't go away from being an infantile alien. Everyone sees it as a duty to "take care of" you, but in acting all the time, there is no freedom or feeling of accomplishment I can get. I feel more and more worthless each time I am shown that I "couldnt possibly have done this on my own." I just feel like a weight on anyone who happens to volunteer in "assisting me." it just adds to that pressure I was mentioning. I guess this is why beer is a necessary lubricant to functioning. At least it dulls those pangs of worthlessness that you still think about at the end of the day. I just need to prove myself... To accomplish LIVING here.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
A Year Can Feel Like a Lifetime.....and Kanpai for Tomorrow~
This is mostly a rant on current things pondered. I am realizing more and more each day I must go to work that when you are forced to do something you are not passionate about, your insides come to dread the mornings more than usual, and you find it takes more effort to pull yourself out of bed than when you were an emo kid in highschool. You find that your alone time in the shower is spent soaking up a few moments of peace, then replacing those thoughts with ones of just..."running away." How easy it would be to just...disappear. I feel that sometimes, the weaker person in me has a stronger opinion and tempts me far too often with lavish ideas of hitting the road as a fugitive....like a Bonnie and Clyde scene, but without all the money robberies and western shoot-outs. My dreams have been turning to nightmares about work, and my chest tightens just considering what time I need to leave for the day. It is getting harder and harder for me to stay, and even harder to be genki with a smile all the time.
I'm not saying it is absolute Hell, but being so far from Kenji and my dog all the time...well, I am still lucky, but I can't help but want more. I can't help but feel how I do, and I can't help who I am. I think that is the biggest problem I am having right now, is not being really accepted, and also not being good at what I do, despite my efforts. Every weekend gets harder to leave behind. I get more and more depressed every time I see Kenji leave to go back to where I need to be. I have had uncontrollable waves of despair thinking of how long it will be until my little "family" is together again. A year can feel like a lifetime when you're doing something you just don't feel passionate about doing. I know where I'm going...it's just difficult to wait that long.
I think one of the reasons I feel so stressed and misearable as of late is that my other foreign co-worker is always on edge, tense, angry, and short tempered. I know he tries to teach me what he can when he has to, but I can never ever relax around him. I feel terrible still that I am the poor replacement for someone who was his friend, and I am a little more than disappointing to be around, but I also feel less than obligated to befriend someone with such a huge stick up their ass. I know he has a lot on his plate and that everyone does a crapload more than me at my school right now, but I also didn't ask to be a problem child or to come into this without knowing half of what is required of me. I can't apologize for something that's not my fault. I can't help but be a nuisance for awhile longer...I hate myself here, but there's nothing I can do but trudge forward to the next step.
Well, other than meditating, there is something else keeping me going. In the mornings on the train, gazing past the old people staring at me and out the window at the mountains, I remind myself that it is the successful people in life that ask, "how can I get there," instead of "why not me," when thinking about what they want. I've done it before. I've gotten to Japan and past college and through other difficult things in life by asking and answering that important question. The things I see for my "tomorrow" are both difficult and far, but I need to think more of how and not why. I want to/need to move...I need another way of living...I need to re-start. Before I can do this, I must plan HOW and also when...but for now, with 10 more months of waiting, it's a spinning heartache.
And them comes the second part to this. As mentioned before, sometimes alcohol seems to be the only answer at the end of the day. I'm not saying I get drunk off my ass, but I do need a drink here or there to take the edge off of what I went through for the day. I'll just call it meditation juice..haha. Well, there is another need...when I'm with Kenji Saturday night or Sunday, we have something to drink. There's always a toast..."kanpai..." and what always goes through my mind is "for tomorrow...." We have to work so hard for tomorrow...but it will be better then. Tomorrow is the dream I'm working towards. I wish I could lie and tell people that yeah, I'm living my dream. But the truth is, I'm not there yet...I'm not even close. I haven't really started. I'm trying, but...well, the question is WHEN, not why won't I... ^.^
I'm not saying it is absolute Hell, but being so far from Kenji and my dog all the time...well, I am still lucky, but I can't help but want more. I can't help but feel how I do, and I can't help who I am. I think that is the biggest problem I am having right now, is not being really accepted, and also not being good at what I do, despite my efforts. Every weekend gets harder to leave behind. I get more and more depressed every time I see Kenji leave to go back to where I need to be. I have had uncontrollable waves of despair thinking of how long it will be until my little "family" is together again. A year can feel like a lifetime when you're doing something you just don't feel passionate about doing. I know where I'm going...it's just difficult to wait that long.
I think one of the reasons I feel so stressed and misearable as of late is that my other foreign co-worker is always on edge, tense, angry, and short tempered. I know he tries to teach me what he can when he has to, but I can never ever relax around him. I feel terrible still that I am the poor replacement for someone who was his friend, and I am a little more than disappointing to be around, but I also feel less than obligated to befriend someone with such a huge stick up their ass. I know he has a lot on his plate and that everyone does a crapload more than me at my school right now, but I also didn't ask to be a problem child or to come into this without knowing half of what is required of me. I can't apologize for something that's not my fault. I can't help but be a nuisance for awhile longer...I hate myself here, but there's nothing I can do but trudge forward to the next step.
Well, other than meditating, there is something else keeping me going. In the mornings on the train, gazing past the old people staring at me and out the window at the mountains, I remind myself that it is the successful people in life that ask, "how can I get there," instead of "why not me," when thinking about what they want. I've done it before. I've gotten to Japan and past college and through other difficult things in life by asking and answering that important question. The things I see for my "tomorrow" are both difficult and far, but I need to think more of how and not why. I want to/need to move...I need another way of living...I need to re-start. Before I can do this, I must plan HOW and also when...but for now, with 10 more months of waiting, it's a spinning heartache.
And them comes the second part to this. As mentioned before, sometimes alcohol seems to be the only answer at the end of the day. I'm not saying I get drunk off my ass, but I do need a drink here or there to take the edge off of what I went through for the day. I'll just call it meditation juice..haha. Well, there is another need...when I'm with Kenji Saturday night or Sunday, we have something to drink. There's always a toast..."kanpai..." and what always goes through my mind is "for tomorrow...." We have to work so hard for tomorrow...but it will be better then. Tomorrow is the dream I'm working towards. I wish I could lie and tell people that yeah, I'm living my dream. But the truth is, I'm not there yet...I'm not even close. I haven't really started. I'm trying, but...well, the question is WHEN, not why won't I... ^.^
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Lonely Adventures in Heaven...
So I finally did it. I kept my 2-month long promise to myself and finally fulfilled a need for finding VK places. As I stepped off the train at Shinsaibashi, my heart beat slowed as thoughts raced through my head, "what if I meet someone really cool?! will I be able to talk to them? will they like me? what if they dont like my bands?!" I searched frantically on my phone for confirmation from a map where I was going to head. I stepped out into the daylight, the sky clearing of clouds and the sun shining...Yes! This is it, I thought. Well, I managed to go to アメリカ村, and then I managed to stray...but in a pause, I turned around, "Where is...Bic Step?!" It was there in front of me- I could hardly breathe! I cautiously approached the mall map to see if the store I wanted was still there....FLOOR 3!!!! I raced up the escalator, startling a group of businessmen, and came to a dead stop in front of Zealink. SO. BEAUTIFUL....it was really there, plastered in pictures of bands with all of their glorious make-up and costumes... As I eneterd, I saw posters of top-rated bands and signed paraphenalia. I stepped into the music section to see a signing table, announcements of performance dates, and hundreds of cds and magazines...Jrock blasting from a t.v....band costumes set out to be armired...tickets, new releases....my head was spinning, I didn't know what to do! I took a moment to look around and realized that it was lkie a ghost town...nobody was to be seen. Nobody was there to talk to. I suddenlt felt a little sad, seeing that I couldn't divulge in my curiosities or even attempt to make a friend. I scoured the shelves nervously to see if I could buy something...anything...and I wandered to the magazines- perfect! X Japan AND MERRY AND some other bands! I slowly approached the counter and paid for my purchase, then at the last moment, asked in terrible Japanese where other visual kei places where. The cashier obligingly told me about Big Cat (concert venue) upstairs and also that Pure Sound was across the street. I thanked her and rushed off to the next adventure...
I couldnt seem to find this other store, though! And wandering up and down the street, I caught a glimpse of two lolitas. I decided to follow them, and to my advantage, they were going to the same place! I was boarding the elevator, when one of the obese lolitas closed the elevator on my arm. "Ite-te-..." I shrunk back in surprise. "Gomennasai," she said flatly. "D-daijoubu," I replied, embarrassed. I felt like a clumsy idiot. Great impression I was making...
The elevator door opened to reveal a paradise of used VK stuff, blasting tv screens, and loli/vk clothing...the cashier looked really awesome, too! My heart beat faster as I left the hallway and stepped into the larger room. SO.MUCH.AWESOMENESS!!!! I wandered the store, starry-eyed, gazing at X Japan and Hide and Dir En Grey and Merry And Rentrer....and MUCC...and all the awesome clothing. I turned to look around me, and nobody but the lolita-puffs was in the store. T_T ghost town #2....nobody to talk to...I began to feel really lonely in my discoveries. Ha-i! I just need to come back later, on a busy day! Next time, it will be a Sunday or Saturday night, I think! I was tempted to go to the rock bar to see if I had one last chance to find people to talk to...but to my dismay, I would have to wait until 7 for it to open. I found myself to be exhausted, and decided to retire for the time being.
I sat on the train, content, despite the stares. I can't help it if VK makes me more sexy! =D I thought of all the possibilities...seeing a LIVE sometime soon a Big Cat! Meeting people at the stores or rock bar! I started to look more on the good things to come...yes, I had made a step towards what I came for. Small as it may be, it was still progress.
In other news of progress, I have decided to not be conquered by the most aggravating and stressful class I have at the moment. These 6 year olds shall not see my defeat. If anything, I will send them home asking themselves why they persist to give me a hard time. If anything, I will show them the power of psycho manipulation...if I have to! But in the heat of building stress and anxiety, I prepped for their class today and resigned myself to discard any negativity that was causing my dis-ease. I sat quietly and meditated, shedding all doubts within myself and any feelings of wanting to crack. I am not great at meditation, nor do I claim to be a good Buddhist right now, but...miraculously, I was able to concentrate in a way that was essential to accomplish what I did. A few moments passed and I opened my eyes to a completely different feeling. My chest no longer hurt, I didn't have any pangs of worry or anxious thoughts running in my mind. I honestly was amazed at myself to be able to refresh my mind so quickly...but it in fact worked a miracle into the lesson and how the kids acted and felt. I feel it may be a sign that regular meditation is in order for living here, doing what I do. It seems to be the adhesion that fixes the perforated pieces in my life right now. I know many people would ask why I hsve a reason to complain, I am "living my dream," but the truth is, I'm not there yet. I am on the threshhold, the bottom of the staircase, gazing up. And in my position, I feel an evergrowing pressure..pressure to move forward, to keep going, to climb higher, to always do more and more than what my best used to be. If life is about what you can handle, I am expereincing a lot of life right now. My issues, minor as they may be, are stacked high, and so the middle path really does have an answer for getting past these things, instead of trying to climb over them.
I couldnt seem to find this other store, though! And wandering up and down the street, I caught a glimpse of two lolitas. I decided to follow them, and to my advantage, they were going to the same place! I was boarding the elevator, when one of the obese lolitas closed the elevator on my arm. "Ite-te-..." I shrunk back in surprise. "Gomennasai," she said flatly. "D-daijoubu," I replied, embarrassed. I felt like a clumsy idiot. Great impression I was making...
The elevator door opened to reveal a paradise of used VK stuff, blasting tv screens, and loli/vk clothing...the cashier looked really awesome, too! My heart beat faster as I left the hallway and stepped into the larger room. SO.MUCH.AWESOMENESS!!!! I wandered the store, starry-eyed, gazing at X Japan and Hide and Dir En Grey and Merry And Rentrer....and MUCC...and all the awesome clothing. I turned to look around me, and nobody but the lolita-puffs was in the store. T_T ghost town #2....nobody to talk to...I began to feel really lonely in my discoveries. Ha-i! I just need to come back later, on a busy day! Next time, it will be a Sunday or Saturday night, I think! I was tempted to go to the rock bar to see if I had one last chance to find people to talk to...but to my dismay, I would have to wait until 7 for it to open. I found myself to be exhausted, and decided to retire for the time being.
I sat on the train, content, despite the stares. I can't help it if VK makes me more sexy! =D I thought of all the possibilities...seeing a LIVE sometime soon a Big Cat! Meeting people at the stores or rock bar! I started to look more on the good things to come...yes, I had made a step towards what I came for. Small as it may be, it was still progress.
In other news of progress, I have decided to not be conquered by the most aggravating and stressful class I have at the moment. These 6 year olds shall not see my defeat. If anything, I will send them home asking themselves why they persist to give me a hard time. If anything, I will show them the power of psycho manipulation...if I have to! But in the heat of building stress and anxiety, I prepped for their class today and resigned myself to discard any negativity that was causing my dis-ease. I sat quietly and meditated, shedding all doubts within myself and any feelings of wanting to crack. I am not great at meditation, nor do I claim to be a good Buddhist right now, but...miraculously, I was able to concentrate in a way that was essential to accomplish what I did. A few moments passed and I opened my eyes to a completely different feeling. My chest no longer hurt, I didn't have any pangs of worry or anxious thoughts running in my mind. I honestly was amazed at myself to be able to refresh my mind so quickly...but it in fact worked a miracle into the lesson and how the kids acted and felt. I feel it may be a sign that regular meditation is in order for living here, doing what I do. It seems to be the adhesion that fixes the perforated pieces in my life right now. I know many people would ask why I hsve a reason to complain, I am "living my dream," but the truth is, I'm not there yet. I am on the threshhold, the bottom of the staircase, gazing up. And in my position, I feel an evergrowing pressure..pressure to move forward, to keep going, to climb higher, to always do more and more than what my best used to be. If life is about what you can handle, I am expereincing a lot of life right now. My issues, minor as they may be, are stacked high, and so the middle path really does have an answer for getting past these things, instead of trying to climb over them.
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