Today has been no less of a test than many other trying ones. My schedule and expectations for me to perform are growing, and it feels like the voice in my head keeps screaming and straining harder to be heard by me. I have to keep going. Sometimes, that's all I can say to myself. It isn't that I can't handle all that it being thrown at me, but sometimes I can't avoid getting some sort of tension headache to accompany me throughout the day.
So, I found myself under pressure again...tomorrow I have to perform a "show" they call "Open House," where the child(ren)'s mother(s) come to class and semi-participate in the lesson and directly observe all that goes on. Tommorrow's lesson is not what worries me. It is my monster class that I am deeply concerned about. Today was another awful lesson gone terribly wrong. Despite being on the "right" teams to behave correctly, much went terribly wrong. Not only was I NOT listened to when explaining games, but there were quarrels and bickering and even objects thrown between classmates. Apparently, when observed by the assistant manager, my face was "scary." I can't seem to help but show how FUCKING STRESSED I feel just being around these mini assholes. I know it is a twisted, cruel game they are playing, but at the same time, smiling sincerely and being glad about the little progress, if any, or better yet pretending to be excited about their half-ass participation in class is an increasingly difficult thing for me to try. I need better lies...for myself and others. I need to fool myself into thinking that it doesn't matter if they even pay attention and get the information they need from the lesson. I need to pretend that it's FANTASTIC that they for once don't use Engrish with their vocab pronunciation. I know at this point I am being visibly manipulated by little piss-ants less than half my age. I will find a way to make it stop somehow, but the main thing I need to convince myself of is that it doesn't really matter to be a "good" teacher with this class. Trying hard to enforce what they need to learn...well, fuck it. Honestly, it is not my fault if they don't learn because they choose instead to waste my time and focus on the minuscule things in life like how ugly their classmate looks. I'll need to meditate before this class from now in, it seems, but I also need to adopt a new outlook. If I cared less, it would bother me less frequently, and at this point I think that matters the most. I'm tired of caring. Honestly, i don't give a flying fuck about the little manipulative assholes who want to see me crack because they are miserable with their lives. It's not my fault your fathers send you to cram school at age 9 and expect you to be more fluent in English which you will NEVER be, because your pronunciation SUCKS and you don't make enough effort to prepare for class. You'll wake up at age 30 and realize that your Engrish is causing problems at work and due to a communication error, you may be fired. I think imagining this scenario and smiling at them as they call the games we play stupid and boring and they barely form a sentence...well, it might help.
I realize kids are selfish, but that's no excuse to be a bastard. My problem is that I actually care too much. I take my job too seriously and try too hard with everything. In this case, I just need to laugh at how awful they are making it for themselves and act as if it is amazing at all when they do something right...well, I guess it is amazing. If only I could adopt the "fuck you" attitude and just get through class with laughter and smiles. Perhaps imagining how they will talk in 5 years will do it...
Well, off to something better. At least other things are smoothing over a little. I am getting more used to the other daily pressures, I think, and Friday may bring a huge challenge, but I am up for showing what I am made of. Aaaand outside of the life-eating occupation, I have made a little more progress in my ambitions... a good friend of mine gave me a Japanese site for musicians. I know my ability is limited, but I have had a few replies to messages. I've started my search for musicians!! ^^ I know that this year is supposed to suck, but the little things that I have working in the right direction make it worth while as they can remind me of where I can be someday, and what I am still working for. I am learning more and more that survival here has much to do with a convincing mask and some kind of lie you can believe in. I know that sounds strange, especially to those who may think of being here...but really, tate-mae is something truly functional in daily life, You smile excitedly at the students whom you hate, you act interested in people who are more boring than rocks. You accept the fact that you can act like a Nihonjin and dress like one, but will be stared at as if you came from Mars. You get used to people expressing the ultimate degree of surprise when Japanese falls from your lips instead of some unintelligible language. You act like your job is your life when you are there and pretend it is the greatest thing you could possibly be doing with yourself. You act surprised at the same questions you may get asked 500 times a day, and you show that the next time you meet someone is something you absolutely look forward to. Everything is fine. You have no stress or headaches. You have no sickness. Your mask is what they need to see. Honestly is something quite discouraged most times.
No comments:
Post a Comment