So I finally did it. I kept my 2-month long promise to myself and finally fulfilled a need for finding VK places. As I stepped off the train at Shinsaibashi, my heart beat slowed as thoughts raced through my head, "what if I meet someone really cool?! will I be able to talk to them? will they like me? what if they dont like my bands?!" I searched frantically on my phone for confirmation from a map where I was going to head. I stepped out into the daylight, the sky clearing of clouds and the sun shining...Yes! This is it, I thought. Well, I managed to go to アメリカ村, and then I managed to stray...but in a pause, I turned around, "Where is...Bic Step?!" It was there in front of me- I could hardly breathe! I cautiously approached the mall map to see if the store I wanted was still there....FLOOR 3!!!! I raced up the escalator, startling a group of businessmen, and came to a dead stop in front of Zealink. SO. BEAUTIFUL....it was really there, plastered in pictures of bands with all of their glorious make-up and costumes... As I eneterd, I saw posters of top-rated bands and signed paraphenalia. I stepped into the music section to see a signing table, announcements of performance dates, and hundreds of cds and magazines...Jrock blasting from a t.v....band costumes set out to be armired...tickets, new releases....my head was spinning, I didn't know what to do! I took a moment to look around and realized that it was lkie a ghost town...nobody was to be seen. Nobody was there to talk to. I suddenlt felt a little sad, seeing that I couldn't divulge in my curiosities or even attempt to make a friend. I scoured the shelves nervously to see if I could buy something...anything...and I wandered to the magazines- perfect! X Japan AND MERRY AND some other bands! I slowly approached the counter and paid for my purchase, then at the last moment, asked in terrible Japanese where other visual kei places where. The cashier obligingly told me about Big Cat (concert venue) upstairs and also that Pure Sound was across the street. I thanked her and rushed off to the next adventure...
I couldnt seem to find this other store, though! And wandering up and down the street, I caught a glimpse of two lolitas. I decided to follow them, and to my advantage, they were going to the same place! I was boarding the elevator, when one of the obese lolitas closed the elevator on my arm. "Ite-te-..." I shrunk back in surprise. "Gomennasai," she said flatly. "D-daijoubu," I replied, embarrassed. I felt like a clumsy idiot. Great impression I was making...
The elevator door opened to reveal a paradise of used VK stuff, blasting tv screens, and loli/vk clothing...the cashier looked really awesome, too! My heart beat faster as I left the hallway and stepped into the larger room. SO.MUCH.AWESOMENESS!!!! I wandered the store, starry-eyed, gazing at X Japan and Hide and Dir En Grey and Merry And Rentrer....and MUCC...and all the awesome clothing. I turned to look around me, and nobody but the lolita-puffs was in the store. T_T ghost town #2....nobody to talk to...I began to feel really lonely in my discoveries. Ha-i! I just need to come back later, on a busy day! Next time, it will be a Sunday or Saturday night, I think! I was tempted to go to the rock bar to see if I had one last chance to find people to talk to...but to my dismay, I would have to wait until 7 for it to open. I found myself to be exhausted, and decided to retire for the time being.
I sat on the train, content, despite the stares. I can't help it if VK makes me more sexy! =D I thought of all the possibilities...seeing a LIVE sometime soon a Big Cat! Meeting people at the stores or rock bar! I started to look more on the good things to come...yes, I had made a step towards what I came for. Small as it may be, it was still progress.
In other news of progress, I have decided to not be conquered by the most aggravating and stressful class I have at the moment. These 6 year olds shall not see my defeat. If anything, I will send them home asking themselves why they persist to give me a hard time. If anything, I will show them the power of psycho manipulation...if I have to! But in the heat of building stress and anxiety, I prepped for their class today and resigned myself to discard any negativity that was causing my dis-ease. I sat quietly and meditated, shedding all doubts within myself and any feelings of wanting to crack. I am not great at meditation, nor do I claim to be a good Buddhist right now, but...miraculously, I was able to concentrate in a way that was essential to accomplish what I did. A few moments passed and I opened my eyes to a completely different feeling. My chest no longer hurt, I didn't have any pangs of worry or anxious thoughts running in my mind. I honestly was amazed at myself to be able to refresh my mind so quickly...but it in fact worked a miracle into the lesson and how the kids acted and felt. I feel it may be a sign that regular meditation is in order for living here, doing what I do. It seems to be the adhesion that fixes the perforated pieces in my life right now. I know many people would ask why I hsve a reason to complain, I am "living my dream," but the truth is, I'm not there yet. I am on the threshhold, the bottom of the staircase, gazing up. And in my position, I feel an evergrowing pressure..pressure to move forward, to keep going, to climb higher, to always do more and more than what my best used to be. If life is about what you can handle, I am expereincing a lot of life right now. My issues, minor as they may be, are stacked high, and so the middle path really does have an answer for getting past these things, instead of trying to climb over them.
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