I have so many things running through my head, it is hard to keep track of how I really feel. Overwhelmed doesn't even start to explain a portion.... I suppose I can start with this morning.
As usual, I arrived early . I sat on one of the available seats in the hall near the large screen that shows the dramatic plays of the nearby theater. I sat and glanced from the screen of my phone to the t.v., and back again, frustrated at my lack of progress in finding VK hang-outs thus far. My heart hurt a little more when I looked up to see the "mother and son" couple sitting next to me and watching the screen intently. The old woman moved closer to the screen, her fingers clutching her purse. I knew exactly how she felt. I know the longing and almost desperate feeling, the quickened heartbeat and fluttering breath, where you lose control just a little because how you feel is so powerful...あふれだす。。。I had a taste of that yesterday when I was making my way home and fell behind two VK fans. My heart dropped and I felt the excitement rise toward the surface, but I couldn't say or do anything....in a way, it made me more upset. I know what I want is here, I know those people I want to meet are out there... but seeing the old woman so attatched to watching what she loved...it reminded me of something I have been told recently. "Japan has many small cultures. You either love "it" or don't. Some of these cultures seem obscure from the outside, so finding them can be difficult." I know what I want and I can recognize the people who could be like me in some way or another...but finding a place to thrive...well, as of now, it is invisible.
I am finding that each passing week, I want to crumble inside more and more, the longer I have to wait to find this one thing. Today by far was NO exception. I feel pressure and growing stress every week. I have a constant feeling I am letting someone down or causing problems somewhere. I mean well, but I don't do well enough. I must start doing interviews with potential students. Not only do I have to make sure these people have fun and enjoy the 10 minutes they spend with me, but I must judg their level and recommend a class by keeeping track of mistakes and how well they respond to questions. I feel a growing pressure building in my head because the only one there able to help me is far too busy...the brief moments he can help, he usually has to "remind me" of how burdensome it is for him to be doing it, and that I need to help everyone out by doing things a whole lot better than how I am doing them. Memorize the books. Memorize the interview sheets. Memorize explanations and questions. This is how we make money, how we keep our jobs......so on top of trying to sell more material to current students and negotiate and convince them that it would be so very helpful for them to spend hundreds more dollars on material, I now have to be confident in selling actual classes.
I know my largest downfall is my lack of confidence, but when I know I am not good at something, it is hard for me to pretend. I think the thing I hate the most about my job right now is that I can't seem to be good enough to do everything I need to do and be able to impress people. Instead. I have people worried or concerned. I hate myself like this.
It seems funny to me now to look back on what I used to think was complicated and hectic in life and see that compared to now, it is simple and almost nostalgic to me. I would like to have fun with "seeing if I can get someone to like me in 10 minutes," but when I feel like none of my current students really like me to begin with, how can I expect someone new to fall into my hands and literally fork over thousands of dollars? I know this is all one huge mind game, and I am supposed to be manipulative in a way...after all, we are running a thousand-dollar day care for people who happen to have an expensive hobby.
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