Today was definitely a test. A test in preparedness, in desire, and in composure. I'll just say I passed two out of three. Instead of plane-hopping to my final destination, I've spent today entagled in a mess of mishaps and emotional fall-outs. After not sleeping for 5 hours, I got out of bed at 3AM this morning and promptly hit the road to get to the airport early. All seemed fine as far as that went...checked in bags and paid an extra fee, and I was on my way to my gate.
I had a feeling something was amiss when it got to be 15 minutes past boarding time and no announcements were made. Finally, 25 minutes after the scheduled boarding time, they started to board people with a simple message of tardiness due to technical difficulties.
I get to my cramped seat and squeeze into half of that space, with the guy next to me usurping half my seat, and wait for the final cabin check and gate departure with much anxiety. Time is ticking away loudly in my head, as I am reminded the time between my connections has now diminished by half. Right after the final cabin check, they attempt to depart the gate and we all stop abruptly. There is an announcement that there is a computer failure and mechanical issue, and if our connections in Cincinati are before 10AM, we're going to miss them. My bloodpressure immediately rises and I go into pre-panic attack mode...I can feel my face burning and my heart racing, trying not to loose it. I call my parents and from that point, it's a back-and-forth phone tag of updates and setbacks. I decide to deboard and consult an agent about my predicament. At this point. it is approximately 1 hour before my next flight at the airport I won't be at leaves. I waited for about 10 more minutes and I finally get ahold of someone. The lady at the counter scours the database for all flights to Osaka, and informs me that there is no possible way or availability for me to make a flight on time, and the only other alternative is to leave a day late. At this point, my weakened facade shatters and I lose it. I can't hold back the tears and I'm hysterical. "I have to be in Osaka before 6PM on the 1st. I was hired by a company, and they'll be waiting for me, I HAVE TO be there! I can't take a later flight! " I would have felt more embarrassed if it hadn't been the end of the world for me at that moment in time, but I didn't care at all who heard me freaking out at this point.
"I'm sorry, but there is nothing else," the attendant replied dryly. I sobbingly gathered my things and trudged to a chair defeatedly, telling her I'd have to think things over. I called a few more people and cried and got my composure back and then returned to the desk. "I'll take the flight out tomorrow," I agreed. She booked a re-rout to Detroit, rather than Cincinati, so I'd have less of a chance to be screwed over tomorrow, and a larger layover in Seattle so I can rest a bit. Hopefully this all works out so much better...
Well, screw Cincinati and their crappy once-a-day flights. I'll go to DMC!!! ^0^ I am just appreciative that my company was understanding of my situation and has contacted my trainers. The only thing is, now I am extra nervous, since my new start is going to be awkward and a day behind everyone else. So much for a great first impression. I know this is out of my control, but I can't seem to completely rid my system of the bitterness I've felt this week with the sour aftertaste things have left in not going smoothly. I know, this is life. I should have expected it to happen...after all, I've had about 3 or 4 dreams similar to this whole scenario before it even happened. I sometimes feel like I need to pay better heed to what my mind tries to tell me in dreamland, rather than brushing it off .
I guess this is one way to show people they need to expect something other than "normal" from me..^.^; And I think everything happens for a reason, so for all I know, this whole day saved me from some other small tragedy. Maybe there was another stanky-ass unbathed Chinese man with poor dental hygene waiting next to my seat on that flight I never made...maybe I avoided getting jabbed in the kidneys for 16 hours straight by some little punk-butt brat. Maybe, just maybe, tomorrow is supposed to be that much more awesome. I just really hope so...
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
2 To Get Ready, And 3 To Go...
It amazes me how a matter of days, no, moments can chage how you feel and how prepared you think you are. I definitely experienced another "oh shit" moment for like the 400th time this week in reviewing what I intend to take and how. I can be so foolish in my assumptions, and in checking "dimensions," I've found that my bags exceed the restrictions and have left me scratching my head once again. I guess when it comes to really "leaving it all behind," I'm kind of pressed to decide what to relinquish and try not to look back.
I think I am starting to understand that this problem has less to do with what I think I need, and more to do with what I think I'll want to have to ease the transition. I'm insecure. Increasingly so. It seems to grow everyday, especially in the face of the panic I see coming from my best friend. It has me questioning myself, wondering if I'll be exactly the same. It has me thinking about how weak I really am and how fragile the condition of my insides really is. It has me in knots and dizzy in my own bewilderment as to what to do next. Not really sure at this moment...more of my thoughts seem to trail off into how to get rid of this headache. I really am such a terrible Buddhist...with my materialistic tendencies and all...but back to my point...Yes, this has to do with my insecurities...the ones that are growing .
I really don't see why I concern myself with such trivial things such as worrying if "anybody is going to care/notice that I'm gone," like some bored emo chick contemplating to do or not to do herself in. Yes, in a way, I am "leaving a life behind." And I know it's not about how many people want to see me off or wish me well or keep up with what I am doing after I leave, but for some reason, those miniscule details bug me. And the problem I have with my "things" I want to take...well, I know many of them aren't entirely needed, but...I guess these "things" are also what remains of what I was and reminders of what I did, and I am not entirely ready to part.
The twinge in my chest has grown in my trying to sort all this, trying to picture myself lugging three huge bags to the gate where my trainers will be... or better yet, being screwed over by having my baggage "lost" for a period of time and not having the required stuff because all my bags were too damn big to take on board with me. Oh, the possibilities with this are almost endless!
I guess what this all boils down to is getting over the little things and getting my ass on a plane and accepting that nothing is ever going to be the same for me again. I think this will be a very enlightening journey, something that will challenge me and allow me to explore more on actual human nature and the raw aspects of what composes me. It is hard to say what I will believe or think next, but either way, I'll have to reach the FINAL before I can begin again.
I think I am starting to understand that this problem has less to do with what I think I need, and more to do with what I think I'll want to have to ease the transition. I'm insecure. Increasingly so. It seems to grow everyday, especially in the face of the panic I see coming from my best friend. It has me questioning myself, wondering if I'll be exactly the same. It has me thinking about how weak I really am and how fragile the condition of my insides really is. It has me in knots and dizzy in my own bewilderment as to what to do next. Not really sure at this moment...more of my thoughts seem to trail off into how to get rid of this headache. I really am such a terrible Buddhist...with my materialistic tendencies and all...but back to my point...Yes, this has to do with my insecurities...the ones that are growing .
I really don't see why I concern myself with such trivial things such as worrying if "anybody is going to care/notice that I'm gone," like some bored emo chick contemplating to do or not to do herself in. Yes, in a way, I am "leaving a life behind." And I know it's not about how many people want to see me off or wish me well or keep up with what I am doing after I leave, but for some reason, those miniscule details bug me. And the problem I have with my "things" I want to take...well, I know many of them aren't entirely needed, but...I guess these "things" are also what remains of what I was and reminders of what I did, and I am not entirely ready to part.
The twinge in my chest has grown in my trying to sort all this, trying to picture myself lugging three huge bags to the gate where my trainers will be... or better yet, being screwed over by having my baggage "lost" for a period of time and not having the required stuff because all my bags were too damn big to take on board with me. Oh, the possibilities with this are almost endless!
I guess what this all boils down to is getting over the little things and getting my ass on a plane and accepting that nothing is ever going to be the same for me again. I think this will be a very enlightening journey, something that will challenge me and allow me to explore more on actual human nature and the raw aspects of what composes me. It is hard to say what I will believe or think next, but either way, I'll have to reach the FINAL before I can begin again.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
7 Days to the Wolves
It will be exactly in 7 days that I board a plane to what I feel like is the place where my life really begins. I can't lie and say that a part of me is not in great panic and feeling depressed. I really am leaving what I've known behind, I really am going. Even when you've spent almost all of your life wanting something so much that it hurts, when the path there is lighted by reality, it still hurts your eyes. You've spent so long squinting at it in the distance , that you need time to adjust when you realize it is more than just a wished upon mirage.
I think I made it easier on myself by leaving what was my home and other familiar things before all of this happens. I think it is better this way, so that emotions can be somewhat diffused over time and I am not overtaken all at once. But I am still torn in how I really feel right now. I feel the pressure of so many expectations ( more others than my own) growing in weight on my shoulders, and all I can think about is trying to exceed my "best" and performing better than "just good enough" for all of those people who are expecting.
Anyone who knows me knows that it is one of my greatest fears to disappoint someone. Unfortunately, I have been falling short of things and not exactly making some people close by proud. I know, some would tell me "your best is all you can do," but that's just it. I have not been my best for awhile. I am hoping that even when I am "thrown to the wolves" and hit the ground running in my new start, I really can start giving my best again.
I wonder, though, what it will be like dividing myself in two. That's right, dividing myself. I plan on living as two different people, two separate sides, two different life styles. One side will live in Takarazuka, and the other in Osaka. One will conduct herself in full professionalism with a business suit and briefcase and be respectfully guarded. The other will seek out music and friends who understand how holding a microphone can fill a void and being heard can fill your heart. This other one will seek solace on a stage and reach to touch others with words that cross boundaries. ...this other will struggle and writhe beneathe the surfaces of the conforming former. It is not that I have not always had two "sides" to deal with, but actively living both and concealing one over the other, I think will pose a challenge. Such will be my life in Japan, my life as a JDrama~
I think I made it easier on myself by leaving what was my home and other familiar things before all of this happens. I think it is better this way, so that emotions can be somewhat diffused over time and I am not overtaken all at once. But I am still torn in how I really feel right now. I feel the pressure of so many expectations ( more others than my own) growing in weight on my shoulders, and all I can think about is trying to exceed my "best" and performing better than "just good enough" for all of those people who are expecting.
Anyone who knows me knows that it is one of my greatest fears to disappoint someone. Unfortunately, I have been falling short of things and not exactly making some people close by proud. I know, some would tell me "your best is all you can do," but that's just it. I have not been my best for awhile. I am hoping that even when I am "thrown to the wolves" and hit the ground running in my new start, I really can start giving my best again.
I wonder, though, what it will be like dividing myself in two. That's right, dividing myself. I plan on living as two different people, two separate sides, two different life styles. One side will live in Takarazuka, and the other in Osaka. One will conduct herself in full professionalism with a business suit and briefcase and be respectfully guarded. The other will seek out music and friends who understand how holding a microphone can fill a void and being heard can fill your heart. This other one will seek solace on a stage and reach to touch others with words that cross boundaries. ...this other will struggle and writhe beneathe the surfaces of the conforming former. It is not that I have not always had two "sides" to deal with, but actively living both and concealing one over the other, I think will pose a challenge. Such will be my life in Japan, my life as a JDrama~
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