It amazes me how a matter of days, no, moments can chage how you feel and how prepared you think you are. I definitely experienced another "oh shit" moment for like the 400th time this week in reviewing what I intend to take and how. I can be so foolish in my assumptions, and in checking "dimensions," I've found that my bags exceed the restrictions and have left me scratching my head once again. I guess when it comes to really "leaving it all behind," I'm kind of pressed to decide what to relinquish and try not to look back.
I think I am starting to understand that this problem has less to do with what I think I need, and more to do with what I think I'll want to have to ease the transition. I'm insecure. Increasingly so. It seems to grow everyday, especially in the face of the panic I see coming from my best friend. It has me questioning myself, wondering if I'll be exactly the same. It has me thinking about how weak I really am and how fragile the condition of my insides really is. It has me in knots and dizzy in my own bewilderment as to what to do next. Not really sure at this moment...more of my thoughts seem to trail off into how to get rid of this headache. I really am such a terrible Buddhist...with my materialistic tendencies and all...but back to my point...Yes, this has to do with my insecurities...the ones that are growing .
I really don't see why I concern myself with such trivial things such as worrying if "anybody is going to care/notice that I'm gone," like some bored emo chick contemplating to do or not to do herself in. Yes, in a way, I am "leaving a life behind." And I know it's not about how many people want to see me off or wish me well or keep up with what I am doing after I leave, but for some reason, those miniscule details bug me. And the problem I have with my "things" I want to take...well, I know many of them aren't entirely needed, but...I guess these "things" are also what remains of what I was and reminders of what I did, and I am not entirely ready to part.
The twinge in my chest has grown in my trying to sort all this, trying to picture myself lugging three huge bags to the gate where my trainers will be... or better yet, being screwed over by having my baggage "lost" for a period of time and not having the required stuff because all my bags were too damn big to take on board with me. Oh, the possibilities with this are almost endless!
I guess what this all boils down to is getting over the little things and getting my ass on a plane and accepting that nothing is ever going to be the same for me again. I think this will be a very enlightening journey, something that will challenge me and allow me to explore more on actual human nature and the raw aspects of what composes me. It is hard to say what I will believe or think next, but either way, I'll have to reach the FINAL before I can begin again.
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