7 Days to the Wolves

  It will be exactly in 7 days that I board a plane to what I feel like is the place where my life really begins.  I can't lie and say that a part of me is not in great panic and feeling depressed. I really am leaving what I've known behind, I really am going. Even when you've spent almost all of your life wanting something so much that it hurts, when the path there is lighted by  reality, it still hurts your eyes. You've spent so long squinting at it in the distance , that you need time to adjust when you realize it is more than just a  wished upon mirage. 
  I think I made it easier on myself by leaving what was my home and other familiar things before all of this happens. I think it is better this way, so that emotions can be somewhat diffused over time and I am not overtaken all at once. But I am still torn in how I really feel right now. I feel the pressure of so many expectations ( more others than my own) growing in weight on my shoulders, and all I can think about is trying to exceed my "best" and performing better than "just good enough" for all of those people who are expecting.
   Anyone who knows me knows that it is one of my greatest fears to disappoint someone. Unfortunately, I have been falling short of things and not exactly making some people close by proud. I know, some would tell me "your best is all you can do," but that's just it. I have not been my best for awhile. I am hoping that even when I am "thrown to the wolves" and hit the ground running in my new start, I really can start giving my best again. 
   I wonder, though, what it will be like dividing myself in two. That's right, dividing myself. I plan on living as two different people, two separate sides, two different life styles. One side will live in Takarazuka, and the other in Osaka. One will conduct herself in full professionalism with a business suit and briefcase and  be respectfully guarded. The other will seek out music and friends who understand how  holding a microphone can fill a void and being heard can fill your heart. This other one will seek solace on a stage and reach to touch others  with words that  cross boundaries. ...this other will struggle and writhe beneathe the surfaces of the conforming former. It is not that I have not always had two "sides" to deal with, but actively living both and concealing one over the other, I think will pose a challenge. Such will be my life in Japan, my life as a JDrama~