I have so many things running through my head, it is hard to keep track of how I really feel. Overwhelmed doesn't even start to explain a portion.... I suppose I can start with this morning.
As usual, I arrived early . I sat on one of the available seats in the hall near the large screen that shows the dramatic plays of the nearby theater. I sat and glanced from the screen of my phone to the t.v., and back again, frustrated at my lack of progress in finding VK hang-outs thus far. My heart hurt a little more when I looked up to see the "mother and son" couple sitting next to me and watching the screen intently. The old woman moved closer to the screen, her fingers clutching her purse. I knew exactly how she felt. I know the longing and almost desperate feeling, the quickened heartbeat and fluttering breath, where you lose control just a little because how you feel is so powerful...あふれだす。。。I had a taste of that yesterday when I was making my way home and fell behind two VK fans. My heart dropped and I felt the excitement rise toward the surface, but I couldn't say or do anything....in a way, it made me more upset. I know what I want is here, I know those people I want to meet are out there... but seeing the old woman so attatched to watching what she loved...it reminded me of something I have been told recently. "Japan has many small cultures. You either love "it" or don't. Some of these cultures seem obscure from the outside, so finding them can be difficult." I know what I want and I can recognize the people who could be like me in some way or another...but finding a place to thrive...well, as of now, it is invisible.
I am finding that each passing week, I want to crumble inside more and more, the longer I have to wait to find this one thing. Today by far was NO exception. I feel pressure and growing stress every week. I have a constant feeling I am letting someone down or causing problems somewhere. I mean well, but I don't do well enough. I must start doing interviews with potential students. Not only do I have to make sure these people have fun and enjoy the 10 minutes they spend with me, but I must judg their level and recommend a class by keeeping track of mistakes and how well they respond to questions. I feel a growing pressure building in my head because the only one there able to help me is far too busy...the brief moments he can help, he usually has to "remind me" of how burdensome it is for him to be doing it, and that I need to help everyone out by doing things a whole lot better than how I am doing them. Memorize the books. Memorize the interview sheets. Memorize explanations and questions. This is how we make money, how we keep our jobs......so on top of trying to sell more material to current students and negotiate and convince them that it would be so very helpful for them to spend hundreds more dollars on material, I now have to be confident in selling actual classes.
I know my largest downfall is my lack of confidence, but when I know I am not good at something, it is hard for me to pretend. I think the thing I hate the most about my job right now is that I can't seem to be good enough to do everything I need to do and be able to impress people. Instead. I have people worried or concerned. I hate myself like this.
It seems funny to me now to look back on what I used to think was complicated and hectic in life and see that compared to now, it is simple and almost nostalgic to me. I would like to have fun with "seeing if I can get someone to like me in 10 minutes," but when I feel like none of my current students really like me to begin with, how can I expect someone new to fall into my hands and literally fork over thousands of dollars? I know this is all one huge mind game, and I am supposed to be manipulative in a way...after all, we are running a thousand-dollar day care for people who happen to have an expensive hobby.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
The Engrish Filter And Other Adventures...
Today proved itself to be one of the most random and amusing days I have had (at least in the context of work days). It started as usual- I woke up at 6:30-something AM for no good reason and rolled back over to have some more bizzare dreams about meeting strange Japanese people and going on mini adventures that could possibly happen someday....my alarm went off with an exciting intro song, I scrolled through my phone for updates as I brushed sleep from my eyes, and slowly sat up to begin my day.
Today, I had a tight schedule- finish lesson plans for the week's kids classes, then head out to get my long-awaited gaijin card. Yes, a card to tell everyone that I am a foreigner...not just that, but to identify where I live and why I am here. A passport is not nearly good enough for anyone here. You must have THE gaijin card to prove you are YOU and the government agrees. So now, with my card, I may be able to get my mail and do other unbelievable things...Well, I have to say that as time goes on, I notice more and more of a correlating pattern. I send out my information in all carefully written correct English, and it comes back to me processed in one form or another (water, electricity, gas bill, etc), but with fantastic modifications. For example, the gas company thinks I am Lauren Dotsom. And according to my new gaijin card, I am from South Carolira. Amazing how one could mistake these things.
After my musing over this, I decided to grab a small lunch - a fruit sandwich (yes, fruit!) and walk to Hana no Michi outside of where I work. The weather was very nice- not too hot with a constant breeze, perfect for soaking up what little sunlight I would see. As I sat and ate and watched, I began to relax more and drift in and out of reality...People passing...dogs being walked...children chatting....
An old man took an extra long time to look me over, more than the usual curious stare or double-take. He slowed his pace and halted a few feet from me. "Ganbatte" (good luck/do your best!) He said and shot me a thumbs-up. "H-hai. Arigatou," I nodded in appreciation, thinking that was it of the random encounter. He inched closer to me at increasing speed, until he was right in front of me. "Ganbatteru ne! Aa...eigo sensei deshou ka?" (you're working hard, right? Oh, you must be an English teacher) "Hai, sou desu."(Yes, that's right.) "Doko kara kimashita? Chicago ni ita koto ga aru...." He began to spill a flood of words into my ears, which had been previously occupied only by rock music. " Aa, Amerika no Georgia-shu kara kimashita.."(I came from Georgia)..I tried hard to be polite and keep up with his babbling conversation. He then proceeded to grab my hand and shake it vigorously. I was thrown off completely at this point. His conversation drifted more, telling me places nearby where I should eat, things I should do, and suddenly, he was rubbing the back of my hand with his thumbs as if to smoothe out future wrinkles. I started to feel increasingly alarmed as his face would near mine to exclaim other non-sensical suggestions in the ear that had an earphone playing music, despite my one-removed earpiece. I watched his face contort in laughter and elation bounce from his eyes to his lips as he spoke faster and faster, rubbing my hand harder. "Ganbatteru," he would repeat every now and then. With another change of motion, he siezed my headphones and asked what I has listening to. I quickly responded "rock," and he replied that he liked jazz piano..for some reason, he still insisted on listening to what my ipod had to offer at that time, so I sat baffled, my hand still encapsulated in one of his, and my headphones held captive in his ears. I could feel embarrassment stain my face, and my ears burned from the growing awkwardness of the situation. I didn't know what to do at all, really. He handed back my headphones and gave my hand one last shake and repeated his stupidifying words of encouragement. We both looked up to see 5 or 6 people staring, as blatantly confused and uncomfortable as I was. I felt really, really strange. At that point, I didn't know whether to take the happening as a brave new sign of encouragement and to be inspired by it, or instead, to indulge in being really creeped out. I know I will be that crazy someday. I am sure he meant well, but was overzealous in his excitement. I cannot, however, figure out how to really digest all of what happened.
From there, I stumbled off to work in a daze, luckily early enough to give myself time to regain composure before working away at lesson plans and activities. I am sure more of these things may occure, and I welcome the strange to invite itself...the challenge is, however, deciphering what to do afterwards...~
Today, I had a tight schedule- finish lesson plans for the week's kids classes, then head out to get my long-awaited gaijin card. Yes, a card to tell everyone that I am a foreigner...not just that, but to identify where I live and why I am here. A passport is not nearly good enough for anyone here. You must have THE gaijin card to prove you are YOU and the government agrees. So now, with my card, I may be able to get my mail and do other unbelievable things...Well, I have to say that as time goes on, I notice more and more of a correlating pattern. I send out my information in all carefully written correct English, and it comes back to me processed in one form or another (water, electricity, gas bill, etc), but with fantastic modifications. For example, the gas company thinks I am Lauren Dotsom. And according to my new gaijin card, I am from South Carolira. Amazing how one could mistake these things.
After my musing over this, I decided to grab a small lunch - a fruit sandwich (yes, fruit!) and walk to Hana no Michi outside of where I work. The weather was very nice- not too hot with a constant breeze, perfect for soaking up what little sunlight I would see. As I sat and ate and watched, I began to relax more and drift in and out of reality...People passing...dogs being walked...children chatting....
An old man took an extra long time to look me over, more than the usual curious stare or double-take. He slowed his pace and halted a few feet from me. "Ganbatte" (good luck/do your best!) He said and shot me a thumbs-up. "H-hai. Arigatou," I nodded in appreciation, thinking that was it of the random encounter. He inched closer to me at increasing speed, until he was right in front of me. "Ganbatteru ne! Aa...eigo sensei deshou ka?" (you're working hard, right? Oh, you must be an English teacher) "Hai, sou desu."(Yes, that's right.) "Doko kara kimashita? Chicago ni ita koto ga aru...." He began to spill a flood of words into my ears, which had been previously occupied only by rock music. " Aa, Amerika no Georgia-shu kara kimashita.."(I came from Georgia)..I tried hard to be polite and keep up with his babbling conversation. He then proceeded to grab my hand and shake it vigorously. I was thrown off completely at this point. His conversation drifted more, telling me places nearby where I should eat, things I should do, and suddenly, he was rubbing the back of my hand with his thumbs as if to smoothe out future wrinkles. I started to feel increasingly alarmed as his face would near mine to exclaim other non-sensical suggestions in the ear that had an earphone playing music, despite my one-removed earpiece. I watched his face contort in laughter and elation bounce from his eyes to his lips as he spoke faster and faster, rubbing my hand harder. "Ganbatteru," he would repeat every now and then. With another change of motion, he siezed my headphones and asked what I has listening to. I quickly responded "rock," and he replied that he liked jazz piano..for some reason, he still insisted on listening to what my ipod had to offer at that time, so I sat baffled, my hand still encapsulated in one of his, and my headphones held captive in his ears. I could feel embarrassment stain my face, and my ears burned from the growing awkwardness of the situation. I didn't know what to do at all, really. He handed back my headphones and gave my hand one last shake and repeated his stupidifying words of encouragement. We both looked up to see 5 or 6 people staring, as blatantly confused and uncomfortable as I was. I felt really, really strange. At that point, I didn't know whether to take the happening as a brave new sign of encouragement and to be inspired by it, or instead, to indulge in being really creeped out. I know I will be that crazy someday. I am sure he meant well, but was overzealous in his excitement. I cannot, however, figure out how to really digest all of what happened.
From there, I stumbled off to work in a daze, luckily early enough to give myself time to regain composure before working away at lesson plans and activities. I am sure more of these things may occure, and I welcome the strange to invite itself...the challenge is, however, deciphering what to do afterwards...~
Monday, May 16, 2011
And Today I Accomplished...
One thing that hasn't ceased to bother me since my arrival is my lack of ability to really do anything in realtion to why I came. Today demonstrated nothing less of the usual- waking up, trying to convince myself today would be different, and getting out of bed was really going to be just the start of something wonderful. I've even changed my alarm to "Tank!" to feel an extra excitement the moment I sit up in bed. I almost feel desperate again, desperate to fill the growing void that eats away at me inside. I can't really explain to anyone why it's there, it just is...it exists partly out of depression, partly out of my own disappointment with myself. There is a pang in my chest every day I don't do something in favor of what I have promised myself. Today, while "fun," was a failure. I had planned almost all week to do something today, and I never even got close to it. I am not sure what to blame it on...should I have just spent the day alone and found the place I wanted to go so badly on my own?
So far, I am still a fat, ugly foreigner. Uniteresting and sore to look upon, I have no friends, no locals or co-workers or students who really hold any interest in my life whatsoever. There are days when I feel like if I were to drop dead on the way to the train station, it may take days for anyone to notice. I am a mere obstruction and a filler. At this point, I am a step up from useless. Unless I can start doing something with myself, I will never be anything more than this. Nothing more than a grotesque addition to an attempted assimilated subversion of Japan and the way of life here.
I learned something today in my sad, drinken stupor at dinner with my fellow foreign friends. I learned that despite who you might want in your life, there are only certain things you can ask help with. There are certain things that you have to do on your own and not look back at. I am learning that in order to become more of who I want to be, I must start start doing a whole lot more on my own and stop thinking that anyone is going to want to or even be able to do something. It feels lonely most days, thinking that the only thing I have really done is ride a train to and from work, perform in antics in front of a class, stayed long past when I should have been able to leave to go home, and skipped another would-have-been dinner because it's too late and I am too tired, and tomorrow comes too soon.
I am becoming more and more frustrated with myself and the lack of life I have. Things have to change, and I need to make them happen. I need to stop looking to those around me for support, I just need to take the fall and grab what I can.
So far, I am still a fat, ugly foreigner. Uniteresting and sore to look upon, I have no friends, no locals or co-workers or students who really hold any interest in my life whatsoever. There are days when I feel like if I were to drop dead on the way to the train station, it may take days for anyone to notice. I am a mere obstruction and a filler. At this point, I am a step up from useless. Unless I can start doing something with myself, I will never be anything more than this. Nothing more than a grotesque addition to an attempted assimilated subversion of Japan and the way of life here.
I learned something today in my sad, drinken stupor at dinner with my fellow foreign friends. I learned that despite who you might want in your life, there are only certain things you can ask help with. There are certain things that you have to do on your own and not look back at. I am learning that in order to become more of who I want to be, I must start start doing a whole lot more on my own and stop thinking that anyone is going to want to or even be able to do something. It feels lonely most days, thinking that the only thing I have really done is ride a train to and from work, perform in antics in front of a class, stayed long past when I should have been able to leave to go home, and skipped another would-have-been dinner because it's too late and I am too tired, and tomorrow comes too soon.
I am becoming more and more frustrated with myself and the lack of life I have. Things have to change, and I need to make them happen. I need to stop looking to those around me for support, I just need to take the fall and grab what I can.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Is it me, or is BEER the solution?
Every week, I come closer and closer to understanding why Japan uses alcohol so much in almost any situation. With my job, we are forbidden to talk about drugs of any kind....drugs excluding alcohol. Apparently, beer and other intoxicating beverages are not considered to be one of drug nature, but rather, a common social subject. I am starting to think this is because beer is practically the lubricant of survival here. After work, you need a beer. Not just want, you need one. I feel myself headed for some kind of mental break at times, and then i am reminded of the beer waiting for me. It seems to present some small fragment of release when everything else during that day seems to bind you so tightly, you can hardly breathe.
I am really not finding any relief from pressure. In fact, I'd say that it grows almost every day I go to work. I try. Hard. I work very hard...in fact, today I was the first to arrive and the last to leave...if I had been able to go inside my company at the time of my initial arrival, I would have worked well over 13 hours today. What I find the most disturbing is not the fact that I work so much, I think I have always been this kind of person....but the fact that I have started to be near a panic attack before work with all the stress I feel. It takes great effort to meditate and try to rid myself of how I feel and start each day new, but... it shouldn't even be this way. I love working, but I also love to live. Something feels wrong, and I am not sure what to do, other than try harder to find the "middle path" and to survive one day at a time. I know this won't be my end, but it is definitely a semi unsuccessful beginning. I feel pressure from all sides- from those I work with, from those I work for, from those I work in front of, and from those I left to start anew. I feel like I am failing the promises and expectations made, and it really is a crushing feeling to carry every day. I can't look in the mirror now, because all I'll see is the disappointment I have with myself.
For the first time today, i truly recognized myself in a student. She sat tense and completely unsure of herself. As she spoke to me, her hands shook from nerves, and her fear of doing wrong was almost disabling. I watched as hesitation and anxiety danced across her contorting face, the words dropping from her lips with heavy uncertainty. I couldn't believe what I saw- the exact way I have felt today, embodied by a person I can barely communicate with.
The training head office has me second-guessing myself so much that I have no idea what is right anymore...and thus my growing anxiety. I am getting more and more tired of all the pressure I feel almost every day. I have recently gotten the feeling that as soon as I start to gain more confidence and feel more comfortable, something has to change and make me freak out inside all over again.
The challenge I see developing from living like this is deciding where to go if things do not change, and how to find the correct path. For now, it is a battle of frustration and day-to-day survival. This is a test...and right now, I am not sure of the outcome. Uncertainty...it diminishes one's true character, I think.
I am really not finding any relief from pressure. In fact, I'd say that it grows almost every day I go to work. I try. Hard. I work very hard...in fact, today I was the first to arrive and the last to leave...if I had been able to go inside my company at the time of my initial arrival, I would have worked well over 13 hours today. What I find the most disturbing is not the fact that I work so much, I think I have always been this kind of person....but the fact that I have started to be near a panic attack before work with all the stress I feel. It takes great effort to meditate and try to rid myself of how I feel and start each day new, but... it shouldn't even be this way. I love working, but I also love to live. Something feels wrong, and I am not sure what to do, other than try harder to find the "middle path" and to survive one day at a time. I know this won't be my end, but it is definitely a semi unsuccessful beginning. I feel pressure from all sides- from those I work with, from those I work for, from those I work in front of, and from those I left to start anew. I feel like I am failing the promises and expectations made, and it really is a crushing feeling to carry every day. I can't look in the mirror now, because all I'll see is the disappointment I have with myself.
For the first time today, i truly recognized myself in a student. She sat tense and completely unsure of herself. As she spoke to me, her hands shook from nerves, and her fear of doing wrong was almost disabling. I watched as hesitation and anxiety danced across her contorting face, the words dropping from her lips with heavy uncertainty. I couldn't believe what I saw- the exact way I have felt today, embodied by a person I can barely communicate with.
The training head office has me second-guessing myself so much that I have no idea what is right anymore...and thus my growing anxiety. I am getting more and more tired of all the pressure I feel almost every day. I have recently gotten the feeling that as soon as I start to gain more confidence and feel more comfortable, something has to change and make me freak out inside all over again.
The challenge I see developing from living like this is deciding where to go if things do not change, and how to find the correct path. For now, it is a battle of frustration and day-to-day survival. This is a test...and right now, I am not sure of the outcome. Uncertainty...it diminishes one's true character, I think.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Life Just Beginning...
Golden Week has come and gone: it came with a rush of great relief for me, but left with much to lament. I've just now started to discover things about my area and gather more of what is necessary for me to live. I took an investment in buying things like shelves, and even a "closet" to make my little box of an apartment inhabitable. I'm slowly starting to feel a little more at ease with how my life is turning out. I was, until I got a surprise phone call from the training center...a call to tell me I will be watched *again* by a trainer, but this time, one that makes me extra nervous. About two weeks ago, a trainer visited my school to help me with issues I had with kids' lessons...now it is something to do with adult lessons. *sigh* I know this is a good thing, especially since I have had to fend for myself with no head teacher, like other schools, but...well, there is something damaging that happens to my confidence every time I am told I will be "visited" again. I've been told it is because I have no one there to guide me, and that it is also normal for someone to "visit" everyone now and then...but I can't help but feel a little more insecure now.
Well, on to the things I am HAPPY about! On my own accord, I ventured past my little apartment to the other side of the highway. I found a 100 Yen shop and it made me happy. When Kenji visited, though, we traveled even further to discover a Daiei, a fantastic life-saving store ( where I got my new stuff during GW) that is a department store much like Walmart...it has food, furniture, clothes...it is great to have! And after that, we found a good little Okonomiyaki place and a 2nd hand store (thrift stores = AWESOME!!) aaaaand, something I am really excited about- kaiten sushi!!! I think those are about the only things about Mondoyakujin that make me happy to be here, since the stations below and above me seem so much....better. In Nishinomiya Kitaguchi, we have a HUGE mall...I mean, it's 5 stories high ^.^ and in the surrounding area, more department stores and restaurants. It's actually not to bad walking from where I live to that area..about a 25-30 minute walk, but lots to see....then we have my recent discovery. Last night, I had the biggest craving for curry- Indian curry. Ever since I visited a friend in Nanba and had some extra awesome Indian food, I've wanted more. To my surprise, my handy little iphone pointed to one in Kotoen (one station away) upon which Kenji and i agreed to go. Great choice on my part! Not only was the food great, there is a whole "Little Asia" area surrounding this restaurant with the possible types of food I've been seeking! Vietnamese...Korean...Chinese...I will have to be a food tourist for awhile to see if it's all as wonderful as I am hoping. On the way to this place, though, I discovered something that made my heart skip a beat....a LIVE HOUSE!!! right next to a music studio! I am trying not to get my hopes up too high until I can see what kinds of bands play there, but...maybe...maybe I have a chance. Maybe there *is* a possibility that I can make the kinds of friends I came here to make, to find the kinds of people I need to look for, or to make a connection with something that will take me in the direction I want to go. I will hold my breath until this need is satiated. If not this one, then another..but at least I found one.
As time passes, I keep wondering exactly how selfish I am being. I feel like I have required tons of help, even in simple things...like finding a damn trash bag, or learning how to sort trash. Life is still aggravating in some areas, but the fact that I have someone there to help almost always...well, it makes me feel kind of remorseful. When is the last time I've been able to help someone this much? I hate that I can't do much on my own. I really am a kid again. The other thing is, I am way too emotional about being apart from my dog. I can't really even talk about it. I can't think about him much, either, or I begin to lose composure. It's crazy how weak you feel when you miss someone that much. I had to go through it when I was away from Kenji, but this is a little different. My dog was there. He kept me busy. He occupied my time and had a way of really calming my depression most of the time. I think it is different now because he really was like my kid. I had to get up early to feed him so he would be happy in starting the day, he would distract me from feeling bad by forcing me to play with him...he even gave hugs if I needed them. I know, this sounds ridiculous-- he's a dog...but he's not just that, he's also a member of my new beginning of a family. Now that two members are here, we need our missing piece. Benji rounded out everything and made it even more of a balance. Doing things together to see him excited and happy...like hiking and going to the park, it became a partial routine we never seemed to take for granted.
Enough about that, though. I am sure that I'll be able to have him here by sometime next year. I'll just have to focus on that as well as getting my head on straight and figure out what I am really doing here. Sometimes it is hard to see a path to your deliberate purpose for something once you've gotten to a certain point. I know I need to give myself a little more time to settle and get the feel of how it's going to be here. In a sense, I really am going through trials that may lead to be better enlightenment. I just need to find more grace with how I deal with them.
Well, on to the things I am HAPPY about! On my own accord, I ventured past my little apartment to the other side of the highway. I found a 100 Yen shop and it made me happy. When Kenji visited, though, we traveled even further to discover a Daiei, a fantastic life-saving store ( where I got my new stuff during GW) that is a department store much like Walmart...it has food, furniture, clothes...it is great to have! And after that, we found a good little Okonomiyaki place and a 2nd hand store (thrift stores = AWESOME!!) aaaaand, something I am really excited about- kaiten sushi!!! I think those are about the only things about Mondoyakujin that make me happy to be here, since the stations below and above me seem so much....better. In Nishinomiya Kitaguchi, we have a HUGE mall...I mean, it's 5 stories high ^.^ and in the surrounding area, more department stores and restaurants. It's actually not to bad walking from where I live to that area..about a 25-30 minute walk, but lots to see....then we have my recent discovery. Last night, I had the biggest craving for curry- Indian curry. Ever since I visited a friend in Nanba and had some extra awesome Indian food, I've wanted more. To my surprise, my handy little iphone pointed to one in Kotoen (one station away) upon which Kenji and i agreed to go. Great choice on my part! Not only was the food great, there is a whole "Little Asia" area surrounding this restaurant with the possible types of food I've been seeking! Vietnamese...Korean...Chinese...I will have to be a food tourist for awhile to see if it's all as wonderful as I am hoping. On the way to this place, though, I discovered something that made my heart skip a beat....a LIVE HOUSE!!! right next to a music studio! I am trying not to get my hopes up too high until I can see what kinds of bands play there, but...maybe...maybe I have a chance. Maybe there *is* a possibility that I can make the kinds of friends I came here to make, to find the kinds of people I need to look for, or to make a connection with something that will take me in the direction I want to go. I will hold my breath until this need is satiated. If not this one, then another..but at least I found one.
As time passes, I keep wondering exactly how selfish I am being. I feel like I have required tons of help, even in simple things...like finding a damn trash bag, or learning how to sort trash. Life is still aggravating in some areas, but the fact that I have someone there to help almost always...well, it makes me feel kind of remorseful. When is the last time I've been able to help someone this much? I hate that I can't do much on my own. I really am a kid again. The other thing is, I am way too emotional about being apart from my dog. I can't really even talk about it. I can't think about him much, either, or I begin to lose composure. It's crazy how weak you feel when you miss someone that much. I had to go through it when I was away from Kenji, but this is a little different. My dog was there. He kept me busy. He occupied my time and had a way of really calming my depression most of the time. I think it is different now because he really was like my kid. I had to get up early to feed him so he would be happy in starting the day, he would distract me from feeling bad by forcing me to play with him...he even gave hugs if I needed them. I know, this sounds ridiculous-- he's a dog...but he's not just that, he's also a member of my new beginning of a family. Now that two members are here, we need our missing piece. Benji rounded out everything and made it even more of a balance. Doing things together to see him excited and happy...like hiking and going to the park, it became a partial routine we never seemed to take for granted.
Enough about that, though. I am sure that I'll be able to have him here by sometime next year. I'll just have to focus on that as well as getting my head on straight and figure out what I am really doing here. Sometimes it is hard to see a path to your deliberate purpose for something once you've gotten to a certain point. I know I need to give myself a little more time to settle and get the feel of how it's going to be here. In a sense, I really am going through trials that may lead to be better enlightenment. I just need to find more grace with how I deal with them.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Hisashiburi....
It's been forever since I've been here to complain about something or really tell you what's been happening. I'm not sure where to even start to recap all that's happened.
Well, lots of changes that have forced me to grow have happened rapidly. I was thrown head-first into a complicated schedule of classes that rotated between young children and older teenagers and adults. I started discovering needs I had that from which I had to learn all over again how to meet them, kind of like being a child for a second time in life. Things for the most part have been far more pleasant and enjoyable than annoying or frustrating for me, which makes all the changes I have been experiencing worth while, but...I am still at a level of inadequacy in this place. It is very humbling to have to ask for help with just about everything, even when it seems like it should be very simple. My lack of common sense sometimes makes everything even more profoundly difficult. For instance, finding the post office and trying to convince the post office that I am me and not some intruder gaijin with my passport and hanko and work visa and everything else I currently have. I am able to get places okay. So many nice people willing to help have given me such nice directions or even taken me to where I need to be. So many nice people encourage me nicely, despite my knowing my Japanese is terrible. ^_^;
Well, I seem to have made progress with the most overwhelming factor in my life right now: kids classes. Yeah, I am still questioning what I got myself into by going to a "B" school and volunteering myself for 3x the work with kids classes. See, the difference is not just student behavior. Also, after two weeks to get the hang of things, it takes me about 5-10 minutes to look at an adult class lesson and figure out what to do for that class, where a kids class requires more than just a skim over the material. Rather, you have to spend about 20-30 minutes actually writing out a PLAN and on top of that, you have to figure out games and what kind they are, therefore, where they fit into the lesson....and then materials. Tons and tons of materials....not only do I have to figure out HOW a game works, but I also have to figure out how to explain this game in five words or less with tons of gestures in order for it to function in a class that has a limited capability for mutual understanding. Well, my progress has been mostly inappreciable to me until my last class, which went more smoothly than ever expected. My "problem class." Not that any of my students are bad, not nearly as they could be...but I do still need respect from some of them. Things would be so much easier if I didn't care too much and I approached my job the same as some of my training group friends do. I can't help who I am, though. I can't help that it is obvious how I feel and that I often feel insecure and unsure. I am learning more and more to accept this and even though I will never change how hard I am on myself, at least I am more forgiving on emotions.
Other than my non-stop existence at school, I've been trying to become more "Japanese," in that I not only work hard, but I play hard, too. Wow, it's been exhausting! I've found myself in some really funny situations with people...like when I went to go visit a friend who was staying in Osaka. I traveled down to Shinsaibashi (with the help of a local, of course, since I had no idea what direction of the Midosuji line to take). In looking for clubs, we came upon a RANDOM bar that had a sign in the window (David's Birthday downstairs) Another gaijin?! Hell yeah, let's crash the party! So my friend, her 5 friends, and I went to the lower level to a small, dark room with a few people drinking, smoking, and dancing to a techno dj. The room slowly began to fill with more and more people, many who had no idea who the birthday was for, We turned at one point to look at the doorway, and in stumbled a drunk white guy with a plush crown and sash that exclaimed "Happy Birthday!" We shook his hand, watching confusion dance breifly across his intoxicated countenance and turn into a sloppy grin. "Drink! Get wasted," was all I could make out from him as he gestured to the bar and stumbled to a corner to hit on some girls. We laughed it off and stood there awhile, thinking of finding a place to sit. A Japanese guy and girl pair offered the corner seats to us, so we took a seat with them for awhile...had some interesting conversations that started with innocent talk and progressed to more prodding questions and teasing. A very interesting pair were they...it made the whole night really random. I obviously had missed my train, so I went to a capsul hotel with my friend to crash for a few hours before racing to a train the next moring .
From there, I have been out and about in Nanba area with training friends, meeting random people who happen to be associated with the same company as us and learning more and more about how easy it is to live half-drunk for almost a full day and night. Ah, my days off are a blur....I'm not saying I drink all the time, but it is time that is short-lived in between my long working hours. I need to learn more about just not sleeping and exploring my town at night. I need to learn the area and meet people. I need locals to hang out with, to learn from. I have not yet accomplished these things, and so my struggles have been a bit scathing to my already faulty confidence. I will get there, though...I just need time to do it ^^;
And lastly, the final bit of my adventures..... Golden Week. I made a mistake of booking a trip to Kagoshima for all of a.....day. Yep. Once day in Kagoshima. Not my intention. At least it has been worth it. I've had a lot of fun with my best friend and seen a completely different area and culture from where I now live. People here have been interesting....going to the Sand Festival, I felt more like I was on display. Many conversations with curious people, many many pictures taken of us, many stereotypes fulfilled...like having to pose with Coca-cola bottles because we both happen to be from Georgia...it's kind of as ridiculous as if I asked one of these people to pose with a plate of sushi and exclaim, "They're both from Japan!" Well, it was interesting. I had a very interesting soup...not sure what it is called, but it reminds me of ochazuke in that you pour the broth over rice and all other ingredients...it had rice,pork, eggs, mushrooms, seaweed, green onions, and a beef-stock broth...so yummy! Our server was very interesting...he kind of had an Osaka-jin personality, very forward and joking. He was only one of several encounters we had with "interesting people."
Until later, I think this is mostly the gist of my current happenings. Life is still mostly spent inside of a large building connected to a train station, but my pursuit to see other things is growing...we shall see where it takes me next~
Well, lots of changes that have forced me to grow have happened rapidly. I was thrown head-first into a complicated schedule of classes that rotated between young children and older teenagers and adults. I started discovering needs I had that from which I had to learn all over again how to meet them, kind of like being a child for a second time in life. Things for the most part have been far more pleasant and enjoyable than annoying or frustrating for me, which makes all the changes I have been experiencing worth while, but...I am still at a level of inadequacy in this place. It is very humbling to have to ask for help with just about everything, even when it seems like it should be very simple. My lack of common sense sometimes makes everything even more profoundly difficult. For instance, finding the post office and trying to convince the post office that I am me and not some intruder gaijin with my passport and hanko and work visa and everything else I currently have. I am able to get places okay. So many nice people willing to help have given me such nice directions or even taken me to where I need to be. So many nice people encourage me nicely, despite my knowing my Japanese is terrible. ^_^;
Well, I seem to have made progress with the most overwhelming factor in my life right now: kids classes. Yeah, I am still questioning what I got myself into by going to a "B" school and volunteering myself for 3x the work with kids classes. See, the difference is not just student behavior. Also, after two weeks to get the hang of things, it takes me about 5-10 minutes to look at an adult class lesson and figure out what to do for that class, where a kids class requires more than just a skim over the material. Rather, you have to spend about 20-30 minutes actually writing out a PLAN and on top of that, you have to figure out games and what kind they are, therefore, where they fit into the lesson....and then materials. Tons and tons of materials....not only do I have to figure out HOW a game works, but I also have to figure out how to explain this game in five words or less with tons of gestures in order for it to function in a class that has a limited capability for mutual understanding. Well, my progress has been mostly inappreciable to me until my last class, which went more smoothly than ever expected. My "problem class." Not that any of my students are bad, not nearly as they could be...but I do still need respect from some of them. Things would be so much easier if I didn't care too much and I approached my job the same as some of my training group friends do. I can't help who I am, though. I can't help that it is obvious how I feel and that I often feel insecure and unsure. I am learning more and more to accept this and even though I will never change how hard I am on myself, at least I am more forgiving on emotions.
Other than my non-stop existence at school, I've been trying to become more "Japanese," in that I not only work hard, but I play hard, too. Wow, it's been exhausting! I've found myself in some really funny situations with people...like when I went to go visit a friend who was staying in Osaka. I traveled down to Shinsaibashi (with the help of a local, of course, since I had no idea what direction of the Midosuji line to take). In looking for clubs, we came upon a RANDOM bar that had a sign in the window (David's Birthday downstairs) Another gaijin?! Hell yeah, let's crash the party! So my friend, her 5 friends, and I went to the lower level to a small, dark room with a few people drinking, smoking, and dancing to a techno dj. The room slowly began to fill with more and more people, many who had no idea who the birthday was for, We turned at one point to look at the doorway, and in stumbled a drunk white guy with a plush crown and sash that exclaimed "Happy Birthday!" We shook his hand, watching confusion dance breifly across his intoxicated countenance and turn into a sloppy grin. "Drink! Get wasted," was all I could make out from him as he gestured to the bar and stumbled to a corner to hit on some girls. We laughed it off and stood there awhile, thinking of finding a place to sit. A Japanese guy and girl pair offered the corner seats to us, so we took a seat with them for awhile...had some interesting conversations that started with innocent talk and progressed to more prodding questions and teasing. A very interesting pair were they...it made the whole night really random. I obviously had missed my train, so I went to a capsul hotel with my friend to crash for a few hours before racing to a train the next moring .
From there, I have been out and about in Nanba area with training friends, meeting random people who happen to be associated with the same company as us and learning more and more about how easy it is to live half-drunk for almost a full day and night. Ah, my days off are a blur....I'm not saying I drink all the time, but it is time that is short-lived in between my long working hours. I need to learn more about just not sleeping and exploring my town at night. I need to learn the area and meet people. I need locals to hang out with, to learn from. I have not yet accomplished these things, and so my struggles have been a bit scathing to my already faulty confidence. I will get there, though...I just need time to do it ^^;
And lastly, the final bit of my adventures..... Golden Week. I made a mistake of booking a trip to Kagoshima for all of a.....day. Yep. Once day in Kagoshima. Not my intention. At least it has been worth it. I've had a lot of fun with my best friend and seen a completely different area and culture from where I now live. People here have been interesting....going to the Sand Festival, I felt more like I was on display. Many conversations with curious people, many many pictures taken of us, many stereotypes fulfilled...like having to pose with Coca-cola bottles because we both happen to be from Georgia...it's kind of as ridiculous as if I asked one of these people to pose with a plate of sushi and exclaim, "They're both from Japan!" Well, it was interesting. I had a very interesting soup...not sure what it is called, but it reminds me of ochazuke in that you pour the broth over rice and all other ingredients...it had rice,pork, eggs, mushrooms, seaweed, green onions, and a beef-stock broth...so yummy! Our server was very interesting...he kind of had an Osaka-jin personality, very forward and joking. He was only one of several encounters we had with "interesting people."
Until later, I think this is mostly the gist of my current happenings. Life is still mostly spent inside of a large building connected to a train station, but my pursuit to see other things is growing...we shall see where it takes me next~
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