Confessions

I've been feeling pressure immensely since late last year. It's almost like I pushed through it long enough to "get away" for awhile with my trip to the US... The problem is, there was no escape or time for me to really gather or re-compose. Instead, I found more troubles to take back with me.  The reminder that what I once knew has moved away from the place I once had, and so that place is no longer. The reminder of all the things I miss out on and all the little ways I've drifted further away from everything and everyone. The questions about who and what I am, what I'm doing, and if the direction I'm trying to go is really right. All I gave up. All I left behind. All that's left me behind.
Then I came back. To be honest, I couldn't wait to return. With how I felt during my trip, it's almost like I started thinking that life had made it easier for me to skip any indecision altogether and has forced me to continue onward in this direction.  But... The truth is, I have to say the feelings of detachment and loneliness have grown, and the fact that my best friend will soon be leaving here too makes it all the more powerful. My coworkers are nice, but there's no relationship. No commonality to really chat about, so nobody really talks to me outside of telling me what to do or explaining things. What's worse, is I make so many stupid, stupid mistakes. I'm at the point right now where I don't even know why or how I do some things sometimes. Inside, I'm screaming...I just want to make them happy to have me instead of being someone who is regrettably there. I want to help and be valuable, not someone who just causes more work for everyone else. To be honest, I really hate who I am right now. I feel so unworthy of so many things in my life right now and another part of me is scared of it all slipping away because I'm  turning out to be such a disappointment. Failure is about the only thing I'm good at for the moment.
Another anxiety I've been carrying..... My health has been worsening by the day. I'm scared out of my mind with what's happening to me. My thyroid problems seem to be out of control. It's a struggle to go to sleep. When I do, I wake up anywhere from one to three in the morning in a panic attack and it takes at least another hour to get back to sleep. My weight varies so much, i feel like the f-ing Nutty Professor. Yeah... I wish i could laugh about that one. i dont want to really eat because of all the digestive problems. I'm losing vocal control and parts of my range. My voice now waivers when I try sustaining a note in warm-up, and I can't keep my passagio connected. I'm freaking out inside because I have no control. My throat is swollen and sore and my voice has been coming and going. It's hard to eat, it hurts to drink, I have to apply pressure around my throat to really swallow sometimes. My depression has been so incredibly awful that I've found it best to just not interact with anyone if it can be helped. I hate where I am right now, and I don't want others to have to deal with it.
I don't really know how to change, but it's a necessity. I have many things I have responsibility for, things that can't end with disappointment. I'm trying to look at all this as another period of growth, but my fear of  going past the tipping point before I can climb to the next level is consuming. So for now, this is me and where I stand.

Bitter Pills from Yesterday

I suppose the only positive way to look at this is as another interesting life experience. I'm not trying to say the visit I had was terrible, but in long moments when I was by myself in my head, it was nothing short of a bittersweet awakening. When there doesn't seem to be much interest in your experiences and stories you'd like to share are refused, it's hard to feel anything other than intrusive in  conversation. It has been awhile since I've felt the outright unequal imbalance of  my sentiments versus those of others.
Maybe it's the reaction to my resignation and determination of "not coming back" that makes this scenario different than other friends who have lived abroad. Perhaps it is that only a fading interest still remains, and that's quenched by my updates via social media or blog.  Regardless, the distance and void  is unequivocally regarded with completely different views.
I'm learning how true it is that what people care about is what you can do for them. I never gave enough or did anything important enough before I left to make a large enough impact to last up to now. It's kind of like seeing a preview of how the world continues on after your funeral. No longer a part of the life you left behind, people forget and forget to miss you. The good part in seeing all this is that it's clearer than ever that I don't belong and there really isn't anything for me to come back to. Once you leave, you can't really go back. Things change and paths turn away from where you were. The thing I've also realized is that coming back at one year intervals is far too frequent. Maybe when I visit after being gone for three to five years the experience will be different. Either way, the only direction I can go is forward. And despite what some people may argue, I am alone. I have none who can understand what I'm facing, so the next step I need to take is figuring out how to become what I need to be on my own.
Being on the fringes of what I used to know and coming back often enough to see it pull away from me, it's definitely an eye opener. I will always love the people I knew and all I had with them, but I also need to find a way to make a place I belong in the direction I'm headed. Another chapter of confusion, another period of growth. As a warning for anyone curious, though, pursuing dreams and the journey to what you want to be is very lonely. I suppose it's the world's way of separating those who can suffer for a cause and those who can't survive. The mind can be wonderful, but it's also often a terrible thing. For the time being though, it seems to be the only thing static for me.

Reflection and Focus Forward

There are many things I have to think about.... Where am I going from here? What kind of person have I become, who will I be? Who do I want to be? What are the things I want to accomplish?  2012 went by faster than I anticipated, and I think it was a year of mixed feelings for many. For me, it was one of the hardest years I've had to live thru in my life. I'm not saying the most difficult things all happened in 2012, but collectively, I feel I've had to face more, do more, and work harder towards things than ever before. I'm going into the year 2013 with the knowledge that life just may be taking another turn towards more challenges. I'll be alone, as my best friend plans to return to the US. But I'll also have more exciting things... My band will do two shows in Osaka for the first time... And in October we plan to go to Italy for a show. I hope to continue to improve as a vocalist and as a person. I have so far to go.... My life has changed from living in the Western mindset of trying to do something "good enough" to always thinking about what can be changed or made better next time.  Nothing I do now is ever good enough. I make many, many mistakes all the time. Growth is painful. I've been positioned at the bottom in everything, the lowest with longest climb.  Some days I guess I could ask myself "why?" Or " what are you doing?"  I'm sure many people don't get why I'd choose to live in a foreign country with the frustration of not being able to understand everything or say what I want to say, or even having a commonality in little things with people. I'm not going to lie. As of recently, I've felt very lonely and alone in my struggles. But someone I look up to has reminded me that in each experience, especially the difficult ones, there is a chance to grow. By running, you defeat this chance. I can see the potential of many, many amazing things. Last year, I had many people back home tell me, " that's great, you're living your dream!" The truth is, I'm still on my way. But each day is a step closer... Sometimes a stumble backwards, but  overall in the direction I want to be headed in.  I want to live my life inspired, eager, and hungry. I'm content with many things but I don't think I'll ever be satisfied, so to say. I'll always be wanting to try more, to be more. I want to be able to look back someday and not just remember what I wanted to do, but to see what I DID as well as possibly what I  inspired or helped others to do.
As I continue on my journey, though, the struggle with what I see in the mirror doesn't get any easier.  I'm such a mess. So clumsy and I fall and break things almost every day. I'm not much to look at, and in my current state, I'm sure most people find me not too smart as well. I seem absent-minded, but in reality, I'm swimming in thoughts constantly.  I'm still struggling to climb the wall of many intricate barriers... Learning everything all over and trying to remember the different way. Fighting with constant mental defeat of not being able to say what I really mean or want to say and feeling left out most of the time. This all sounds so negative, and I guess it is, but I also have the great things I'm remembering... Like how I can do things now I couldn't figure out a month or so ago, I can follow more conversations or ask less questions, and oh, hey.... I'm working at a job kind of rare for a foreigner....and woah...I have a band. An AWESOME band.  I'm learning more and more about all the behind the scenes things and all the things that cause blood,sweat,and tears...lots of it.  The more of a taste I get, though, the more I want to sink my teeth deeper.
So what's my resolution? That's something hard to narrow down... But alongside wanting to become a better person, more capable at the things I'm trying to do, I want to be less selfish  with the people around me. I've never forgotten it's by the help of those I love and who love me that has gotten me to where I am, and I feel I really need to give back more. My previous tragedy really made me take more from others than I want to ever again. I want to really unlock who アイリス is. I'm starting to get more piece by piece and its such a great journey of discovery as I find ways thru all the head games and intimidation and step out onto the stage with a different attitude. So I guess, in general, I'll say... I want to be better.