There are many things I have to think about.... Where am I going from here? What kind of person have I become, who will I be? Who do I want to be? What are the things I want to accomplish? 2012 went by faster than I anticipated, and I think it was a year of mixed feelings for many. For me, it was one of the hardest years I've had to live thru in my life. I'm not saying the most difficult things all happened in 2012, but collectively, I feel I've had to face more, do more, and work harder towards things than ever before. I'm going into the year 2013 with the knowledge that life just may be taking another turn towards more challenges. I'll be alone, as my best friend plans to return to the US. But I'll also have more exciting things... My band will do two shows in Osaka for the first time... And in October we plan to go to Italy for a show. I hope to continue to improve as a vocalist and as a person. I have so far to go.... My life has changed from living in the Western mindset of trying to do something "good enough" to always thinking about what can be changed or made better next time. Nothing I do now is ever good enough. I make many, many mistakes all the time. Growth is painful. I've been positioned at the bottom in everything, the lowest with longest climb. Some days I guess I could ask myself "why?" Or " what are you doing?" I'm sure many people don't get why I'd choose to live in a foreign country with the frustration of not being able to understand everything or say what I want to say, or even having a commonality in little things with people. I'm not going to lie. As of recently, I've felt very lonely and alone in my struggles. But someone I look up to has reminded me that in each experience, especially the difficult ones, there is a chance to grow. By running, you defeat this chance. I can see the potential of many, many amazing things. Last year, I had many people back home tell me, " that's great, you're living your dream!" The truth is, I'm still on my way. But each day is a step closer... Sometimes a stumble backwards, but overall in the direction I want to be headed in. I want to live my life inspired, eager, and hungry. I'm content with many things but I don't think I'll ever be satisfied, so to say. I'll always be wanting to try more, to be more. I want to be able to look back someday and not just remember what I wanted to do, but to see what I DID as well as possibly what I inspired or helped others to do.
As I continue on my journey, though, the struggle with what I see in the mirror doesn't get any easier. I'm such a mess. So clumsy and I fall and break things almost every day. I'm not much to look at, and in my current state, I'm sure most people find me not too smart as well. I seem absent-minded, but in reality, I'm swimming in thoughts constantly. I'm still struggling to climb the wall of many intricate barriers... Learning everything all over and trying to remember the different way. Fighting with constant mental defeat of not being able to say what I really mean or want to say and feeling left out most of the time. This all sounds so negative, and I guess it is, but I also have the great things I'm remembering... Like how I can do things now I couldn't figure out a month or so ago, I can follow more conversations or ask less questions, and oh, hey.... I'm working at a job kind of rare for a foreigner....and woah...I have a band. An AWESOME band. I'm learning more and more about all the behind the scenes things and all the things that cause blood,sweat,and tears...lots of it. The more of a taste I get, though, the more I want to sink my teeth deeper.
So what's my resolution? That's something hard to narrow down... But alongside wanting to become a better person, more capable at the things I'm trying to do, I want to be less selfish with the people around me. I've never forgotten it's by the help of those I love and who love me that has gotten me to where I am, and I feel I really need to give back more. My previous tragedy really made me take more from others than I want to ever again. I want to really unlock who アイリス is. I'm starting to get more piece by piece and its such a great journey of discovery as I find ways thru all the head games and intimidation and step out onto the stage with a different attitude. So I guess, in general, I'll say... I want to be better.
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