This has been put off for a long time because of how hectic my life is, but I'd like to share what I've gone through. Something interesting happened to me over the past three months. I went from being really physically, emotionally, and mentally ill to learning how to rebuild everything into something stronger and more dependent upon my own person. The whole whole death of my "self-esteem and image" experience was nothing short of fascinating. It has been the hardest thing I've had to face. Realizing nobody could save me from whatever I saw in the mirror or heard in my head was a shocking thing I had to first accept. Learning what and who I was going to be all on my own and changing the voice in my head and how I think about things was and still is such a intricate and difficult process, but it's not impossible. Here are my previous thoughts:
10/21
So again, writing about changes..... So after over three weeks of being ill, I'm slowly recovering. I honestly believe part of my delayed recuperation is due to the beating my heart/soul/mind has taken. How did I get here? How did I become so weak? How can I fight my way out of this all alone? Yes....all alone. I've realized recently with certain events that nobody can save me from drowning...in fact, it's already happened. No one has tried to even reach to pull me out of the water, really.... I've felt betrayed by myself and my stupidity in wanting to lean too much on others. I've been poisoned and my lack of ability to detach has caused detriment around me. The results?
My visa issue that is yet unresolved has been shrugged off like a minor issue by people I thought might take more caution with my panicking. The challenges I face in now working in a place (it's still my dream job!!) that has scathed every small progress I've made psychologically because I can't get any validation when I'm making mistakes every moment of the day and can't understand/say everything I want to. My fragility has allowed everything to boil down to the "last chance." So here I stand, zero self-confidence and anguished over thoughts of losing everything I came here for. My new schedule of waking up at 5:20 AM and coming home around 10:30...well, I'm not adjusting because I can't sleep. What I'm realizing though, is this is all because of the problem in my sick mind. The mind nobody can seem to relate to and nobody can drown out.
I'm tired of being the weakest at everything. I'm not sure exactly how everything has reduced me to this, but I know now there are no hands to reach out for. My band demands that I either give it all or leave. What exactly is my problem? What the hell am I holding onto? What am I holding back? The other person in me, the one I'm supposed to be, is screaming....
That's where the complex comes in. In order to be the stronger person, the weaker one has to die.
10/30
It's interesting to me how much progress I've made since I tried to start writing about all of these problems. I still have yet to prove myself and really be who and what I've been working hard to become, but...I at least feel closer to where I should be headed. I have so many great people in my life...so many people I owe, so many people who have helped me climb back to my feet. I'm still stumbling and some days are so much harder than others because I'm still working on changing the voice in my head. If I still have a chance, though, I should at least give all I have like it's the last of everything. I'm really getting to understand what it's like to "live like you're dying." It's really my time to grow and become a better person than what I had succumbed to. Rebirth is a painful process, but I'm trying to see all the beauty surrounding the process. In changing how I view my own failures, and challenges I face, I'm slowly building a better inner voice and a nicer reflection. My conscious efforts, when taken into action, make a difference. As small and invisible to others as it is, I can at least feel the changes taking place. I will admit that I still falter and I have moments where I waver, but that's because what I'm building is still new and weak. I can see, though, that if I make it through and take this chance to grow, I'll really be more worthy of things to come. Facing adversity and hardship now means braving more waters ahead and taking on more heat with more grace later.
I am still scared out of my mind sometimes, but if I can just let go and push through...
******
So, I've done a lot of self help research and interesting psychology studying and a lot of listening to people I care about who care about me, and I have to say, even though I'm not at 100% yet, I've been doing pretty well.
This whole experience has taught me that the human mind is so very powerful and it's up to a person to decide how to find a way out of whatever situation they come to be trapped in. I'm slowly learning more about the art of letting go...and also, as one friend once told me "lyrics are a great way to start to understand yourself." Looking at the two songs I wrote all the words to, it's really like I've been trying to save myself all this time. The good thing about something like that, though, is maybe it can mean something for someone else and help them in some way, too.
Working for an actual Japanese company with Japanese all the time, I'm learning more and more about what Japanese culture is really like. I'm so lucky to be working for someone who pushes me to take on more challenges, though. Someone who believes I can and will do things and that anything I'm wanting is possible.
As far as performing goes...my next show is in two weeks and I'm actually starting to get excited! (not just nervous) We'll be playing at the same venue, this time on the night an indies band I used to listen to plays (which is a feeling I haven't quite gotten used to >_<;). These guys are hardcore and extreme...they're not the average VK people think of...they have more of a genre with "noise" and the lead singer either sets a part of his body on fire, breaks something, or mutilates himself while performing. My guitarist has played with them before and warned me about how dangerous they are. This. Should be. Interesting.
With events like this happening in my life, how can I not try harder to strive farther and want to be more amazing? Someday I really want to do great things in the world of music! For now, I'm really trying to soak up what I can and enjoy the ride and learn more about who I want to be ^.^
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