I Am NOT A Robot Monkey...... Pt.2

9/20
There was a meeting...if you can call it that. More like a disorganized and lopsided convening of "I have done blah blah blah, I'm so damn accomplished blah" from one end, and accusations,avoidance, and dismissiveness on the other.  I tried so hard to maintain composure as I was drilled with retarded and irrelevant questions. I responded. I even repeated myself several times....but what got to me is that I asked the same question 5 times and it wasn't given an answer. It was laughed at, scoffed at, then berated at with more "me, me, me...I've done this...blahblah" bullshit. What exactly was the point of participating in any part of the meeting? My formalities and greetings were pointed out, laughed at, and criticized. Questions were deflected as usual, and then blame was moved of course over to me and away from the actual problem. It's my fault they didn't respond to an email 2 weeks prior to a class because I managed to "ignore what they agreed on in a meeting and make a lesson based on something they didn't want to use."  Oh. Okay. My fault entirely that there was not only no response verbally (something EASY) or written, and the plans were disregarded and ill-formed and the class wasn't planned until the day-of. Ok, my fault. ^__^      Oh...and it's my fault I don't take an hour break on Wednesdays because my schedule is literally crammed full with class stacked after class...yeah, because I have control of my schedule, that's my fault. I see a great and awesome pattern here. So why don't I consult and ask more questions? Why don't I confirm information? Hmmmm.... I *do* believe this is something I have written about repeatedly. What a hypocritical, dim-witted, avoidant, rude, irresponsible and irrational person I've come to let myself work for. Amazing....I'm so stressed that two out of three work days this week, my body decided to start the day by puking. Yep. Ralphing in the morning....it's time to stop.Let's just see if the boat floats after I jump ship. If I were so damn "important," you'd think they would treat me better...you know, like a human. A respectable person with experience and intellect that is valuable when it comes to maintaining classes and student satisfaction. But soon...very soon...I plan to find my way out of this suffocating joke and step away...far away from what misery they seem to think I should be consumed by. Whatever has possessed them to think I deserve disrespect and ridicule and insignificant criticism on a regular and constant basis, well, 'tis their disease to rid of or die of. I pity the fools that really believe that I'm truly buying and eating all this bullshit from their spoon. 
9/22
   I am hopeful of progress. I see the makings of my escape. Yesterday was spent with some wonderful people, people who are not just my soon-to-be- former students, but people who have really genuinely cared and taken care of me better than I have been able to for them. I was completely decisive from my wonderful "consultation," and more information was brought to light for me that made my blood boil. Apparently, after the meeting, a job availability was posted online for a position at this company. Offering higher than they are willing to pay me. After they told me they couldn't pay me what they previously had agreed to. Lies....they keep growing. And multiplying. I feel like there's an exponential procreation right over my head among the twisted verbal abuse and manipulation. I feel even more sick.....but back to the good stuff!
   So, these wonderful people spent time trying to console me, help me, even cheer me up and make me laugh. Some of them accompanied me to my destination, which in turn put things into the works....And faster than I had thought. I came in to work (the good job) today and found that the doctor had typed up a contract in hopes of supporting my transition under the same visa. I'm truly moved by this quick and sincere action and truly grateful to be working here....my co-workers asked me a bit about my current predicament. I was more than comforted when I saw their reactions of sighs of "さやく。。。" (that's/she's the worst ) and contorted expressions of mixed concern and disgust. Yeah, I don't understand the treatment either...but at least I have my friends and these new co-workers there behind me.  After lunch we resumed grooming...today we had the joy of bathing and trimming a cat. 
   If you can imagine the hilarity in putting a fluffy cat in a full-on head mask then two e-collars and splaying it out on a table as it hissed, roared, screamed and growled in rage, well...imagine holding one down for about half and hour. At first there was the initial trim, and then the bath. When we moved the cat over to the washing rack and it lay screaming and spitting in the agony of being wet, then one of my co-workers looked over me and laughed, saying, "So, this is like your boss?" To add to the comedy, the cat raised its head in our direction and let out an angry yowl. I couldn't help but laugh and say yes. It's helped me so much, the people in my life right now....some of them give me advice of being "blind and deaf" to certain things so that my thoughts aren't overly plagued. Some have told me they'll do all they can to make sure I can leave. Others just do the great service of listening and being there. I have much fortune....I know I am lucky in many ways. I just need to be able to make this last leap to freedom. 
So....I'm holding my breath. This week...determines what I do next. >_<; 
9/25
    So, yesterday was a success in more ways than one. I managed to find immigration and talked with officials there. They were very surprised I was there to update and change things with my visa before quitting. "So...it's okay to quit?" I kept repeating my question, wide-eyed. The official laughed a little, a bit stunned at my eagerness to process everything before due time. He told me to wait for a moment and then explained again to me that I can quit and then change jobs. After that (in at least a month's time) I can go to immigration with the new company's information and handed me paperwork for later. So....I can leave? I CAN!!! Freedom! The feeling of liberation is incredible. I know I am still not out of the water quite yet, but at least I am reaching the shore of opportunity. 
  Today was another "performance," where my students and I participated in antics at a kindergarten. The place was great, though...they even had birds and bunny rabbits and fish living in the open garden in center of the school near a pool and amongst flowers and trees. I joked that I wanted to go there as a student to learn...but really, it would be a great place to be if I were able to! ^^  Well, of course, in spite of last-minute changes from the day before (...no surprise there) at the discretion of the...management....my students did wonderfully in their performance as well as conducting the flow of the production and later activities. Actually, before and after, I had the great experience of riding on a motorcycle!!!    
   I have always wanted to...I'm lucky to have a friend who was able and willing to let me try riding as a passenger today. The weather was perfect....cool Fall breezes warmed by the sun, the sky bright and blue and clear with the occasional fluffy cloud...as I gripped his belt tightly, I tried to keep relaxed. I leaned in the same direction when turning and enjoyed every long stretch of road where we sped up...but I was able to look around at the rice fields and rivers and mountains of Nara and really appreciate my life again in a moment of simplicity...I haven't felt that calm, simple peacefulness for awhile. It was so wonderful. I'd like to believe that things are really about to turn for the better again and the sickness that has plagued me will leave and I can thrive as a person again. I know, with everyone's recent support I really am doing the right thing, the thing that's best for me. For the sake of myself and those around me, I'm going through with this! I'll be better physically and mentally and I'll be stronger and more able soon. I hope to give my all to my new job and the next steps towards what lies ahead....including with Chronos!!!  
9/27
  My body has finally had enough...I felt today as if it were officially going to give out on me. The panic dancing in my blood, I fought with my own consciousness all day. I admittedly didn't eat anything after ralphing 3 times today... =_= this stress thing has truly been blown out of control. My throat is sore, red, swollen...my body aching all over...maybe I finally really got sick and it's not all a psychosomatic meltdown. Tomorrow, the doctor shall give the verdict!
Well, on to my exciting roller-coaster-of-a-day... I had my last class with my favorite students...the ones who have done for and given me more than I feel I could give to them. All of these people have really given me the strength to carry through my decision and believe in what's right for me. I want so badly to be able to have more power to do good things for them.... We finished our tearful and long "farewells" and then closed with more songs..."Let it Be"...it really got to me...I looked around at all of their faces and cried more. I can't ever explain the love I have for them all, but this group of people was definitely different from any I have met before.  
After a last wave,  I had to proceed with my next class. The whole time, my heart beat fast... I tried to keep calm all the way past the end. I am pretty sure, though, with how self-absorbed they were, nobody noticed. Nobody ever does notice...^^; Well, this was to my benefit today. I went through my plan accordingly and signed my "love letter" and left it on top of the computer and left. 
  As I hastily walked towards the station, I was a bit perplexed. I thought liberation and freedom felt different than nausea....Oh.Yeah. For some odd reason, I still felt an immense amount of guilt....I'm overly cautious and overly concerned for people who really do not care much about me at all. I worry about how my actions and decisions affect others all the time...and so, even though I know I am right in doing what I need to for ME, I still have residual feelings of agony. Well, I am sure it will wane soon...I had the fortune of coming up behind a group of my students at the station. It was so relieving to have a group of people there to welcome and support me in the final moments of my decisive action. I felt faint, like I suddenly had no power left to stand, but I managed to hold most of my composure around them until I was safely on a train headed home. When I sat down, my mind literally went blank. I think for now, my body is in hardcore recovery mode....