I am ashamed to say that my own pain and suffering has made me blind to the greater problems of others around me. The injuries I have been carrying have made me more selfish and unaware. I've come to a point again in my life where I feel precariously balanced on the edge and I can't seem to push forward or back in any direction. I see now how people slip through the cracks or go over the edge...how
one can be pushed too hard or far all at once and can't hold on. I'm
really getting a taste of what that reality is like. So here I am,
entangled, entwined with what threads are left, reaching for the next
thing to grasp so that I may let go and move in a direction where I can
someday be closer to what and who I want to become. For now, though, I must....wait. As I wait, though, there are fragments falling, and I can't seem to reach out and prevent the falling of any of them.
I am on the verge of taking a huge risk again, betting all I can and placing faith in something uncertain. It's scary being able to only stare at vague details....However, I have come to realize that I am really not free here. As an individual, I am in fact a second-class citizen seemingly caged in a carved out space. I refuse to abide, though. When one faces challenges and one is given few choices to make, there are two that stand out above all. To give in or....to become more creative. Creativity has always made my life worth living, so.....it's time to accept another challenge and see if I can really make it through the loophole.
My next step has been clarified in so many ways... so many people sending me the same messages to move on from the containment I've found myself trapped in. "Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy." The predicament I'm in serves me in no areas of growth, happiness, or health for that matter. I have been sick for over a month now, my body exhibiting extreme signs of stress and rejection. I have had flu- like symptoms yet I know it's not the flu. I have tension headaches at least once a week. Panic attacks weekly, toxic dreams nightly...a constant tightened knot in my chest, my body aches and is so tired, I've started falling asleep on the train again.
My leader insists that I find a way out. "You can't do anything if you're dead. You can do many, many things if you live, though. Sometimes you have to leave, walk away...even run. But the band is your job, too. For the fans, for us, leave that place. They aren't just taking from you, they're taking away from us. From your fans. From your loved ones." That really sealed it. I can't do this selfishly, even if I feel pain...but to take away from my loved ones, I can't tolerate that....Fine. It's not selfish. It's for the greater good that I leave. I know it sounds foolish for me to go on like this in increasingly poor health if not having a reason other than myself, but...well, it's just a strong part of my nature to give.... but giving, and giving, and being taken from constantly...well, it has worn away at me. What reason have I to give any more? My current position is one of the most thankless jobs I have ever had. Such ungratefulness and outright disregard for me as a human. It's ridiculous, really. I hope to laugh someday. I hope to laugh hard and long about this....but for now I am a wreck of anxiety and uncertainty. How dare they take advantage of me. How dare they constantly make demands without an ounce of respect. How dare they think I will continue to perform unquestioningly. I'm not a robot. I'm not a circus animal....I'M NOT A FUCKING ROBOT MONKEY!!! Inwardly, these things scream, yet I must remain silent. I'm intelligent and free-thinking and valuable, despite how I am treated right now. The friction continues to grow...it's all a matter of time until the match is lit and thrown...only a matter of time until the conflagration burns away what I tried to salvage. For now, I must try harder to look past my weakness and onto what great things I do have and perhaps what more I can do for others instead of focusing too much on this current wreck (me).
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