I'm so terribly confused as of how to feel lately. So many good things happening, but also so many complications I am dealing with. First, the good!......
Well, as I mentioned before, I've started working at a place I've only imagined working at. I'm learning many things and what's different here from vet clinics in the US. I'm finding that there are some things I know how to do that aren't done by techs here (the doctor has more control of operations, even small things like shots and blood samples.) and that there are things I'll learn for the first time (like actual grooming!). I think despite the slight barrier in language, things have been going pretty well. I'm learning more words and retaining more information and overall, I can mostly express what I need to ask or say. I know I have a long way to go before I am anywhere near fluent, but the whole immersion thing along with the open attitudes of my coworkers helps a lot. I was left to do most of the evening activities before closing because the other tech left early. It was good to review everything on my own and make sure I understood. I also had the duty of returning dogs who had come in for grooming to their owners. Some were really surprised, some wanted to know more information about me, but nonetheless, the doctor was certainly enjoying it. I could hear him chuckle behind the counter each time I rounded the corner with a client's dog. They genuinely seem to really want to keep me, which makes me happy. I know it might take a bit for me to get everything down in routine, but it's a small facility where everyone seems more like family (something I missed having since Sprayberry).
The band. Things are going great. The interview is in the works...but because it all needs to be in English, I will have to do most of the talking. Luckily, the keyboardist can say some things too so it sounds more balanced ^.^ I am so excited that they'll be playing the show four times next month, and at different times so that my friends in the US might get a chance to hear if they want! I really hope this helps to expose more people to our music and band. What an incredible chance! It makes me excited about practicing more, making good recordings, and prepping for our winter show! Which, I want to mention something....even though it might be common for venues to send messages to a band after playing a show to invite them back for another, I don't find it so common in the US...so when the place we did our first show messaged us about December, I was really excited and flattered. The leaders decided to turn it down, though, because we really want to try Osaka...it's kind of important to spread out at this point with the way things are going. Thinking about all this, though....I feel the butterflies dancing around inside >.<
Okay...and here is what that title is about. I am loyal by nature. Sometimes, unfortunately. I have developed a guilt complex in the past month because of the many different things I feel. I feel grateful for having a job and even though I took a pay cut when I started, it's still an o.k. salary. I feel happy with most of my students. What I feel bad about it how things have changed in my mind. I feel like I've been caught in chaos. I don't understand expectations clearly most of the time, but it's not really my fault. I do what I think is wanted and it turns out to be wrong or someone changes their mind or it's responded to in a negative manner. (For example, I am told to re-confirm information instead of assuming, but the times I do try to confirm something, I am told to "look at the schedule" or something like that. Well...yeah. I did. But I am asking to re-confirm like I was told to do. What's the point if the response is always something along the lines of "don't bother me"? =_= ) It grates on me. I try to fulfill requests, but I feel like 90% of the time it is responded with negativity. The "feedback" I get is never about something good, it's always "you can't do this. This is wrong. This lacks _____." I understand the need for criticism, but ONLY criticism isn't good for growth. I'm so happy I have other people in my life who understand that (thankyouforAWESOMEbandmembersyeeaaaaahhh). The guilt comes in when I feel dread and exhaustion and I really start to feel like I'm not wanting to continue. I work hard. I try.And try. And try...but when there is absolutely no appreciable gain to an individual, it's really demotivating. I am not talking in terms of instant gratification, I'm talking about efforts bearing fruit. This place....well, it's no career...but to be there and have to just "get through the day" sometimes because of how people talk to or about me, well...it's ridiculous. Another thing that has bothered me increasingly is....when it is my off day, it's my OFF DAY. I am busy. Very busy. Outside of work, I'm always doing something. I don't need to think of work 24/7, it's not my job. I am not the manager, I am just a minion. Why, then, am I bothered constantly when it is not a work day for me? I am sent messages on my phone, in my personal e-mail, even on Facebook....This, to me, is an intrusion of personal space, and it stresses me out to the point where I don't sleep well, I can't relax, I can't really have an off-day. I spend my time thinking in the back of my head that I need to respond to someone's message or give feedback they really don't need from me immediately... I don't get why it had to come to this. And this is why I keep having thoughts about how to change things. First of all, being a teacher is by far NOT my passion. I have been doing what I have to to be here. It doesn't mean I don't try to do my job to the best of my ability, but expecting me to take on more and more with so much thanklessness when I am really starting to not enjoy any part of my job...well...-_- I feel bad because I know there are things the boss has had to take on and manage with the absence of a main organizer, but...well....I'm so friggen stressed! I feel backed into a corner. I am thankful to have an alternate job with such a different atmosphere to feel more of a release. Island-hopping, is...you know...jobs. I don't just want a job, I want to be going somewhere. That's why the other one is so important, it's more towards the career I'm wanting! I'm able to work with animals again! I don't have unsatisfied people always complaining about what or how I do something, I have dogs and cats who are clear about how they feel. This is the next step. I feel guilt because of my loyal tendencies, but...at what point does a person need to stay and be unhappy to make it easier for others? This comes down to my whole wanting to "help people with their dreams." But if I can't do anything seemingly right, do I really belong? And what about my own ambitions? I have many. I'm working hard for them. I'm still really not sure what to do next, but I am weighing a lot of things. Visa issues. Jobs. Health. Ambitions. Direction. Until the end I want to do my best, but with sentiments souring, it's hard for me to keep motivated.
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