I try really hard not to complain much about the hard stuff in my life, but there really is something I can't seem to get over. I have to get out, get out of this trap. I have footing on the edge, but the issues with transitioning aren't easily resolved.
This trap I speak of....it is maddening. Living here is hard when you're not "like everyone else." When you're an outsider, you're seen, thought of, and treated differently. Some days you can wave it off and not think much about it. Other days, it's consuming and slammed in your face. What I'm specifically talking about is the "job" we're stuck into. Unfortunately, there isn't much of a way to thrive here as a foreigner. You mostly have to suck it up and take on "the job" every foreigner here is known to do. Eikaiwa. It pays the bills. It lets you live here. It eats at you. Unless you land a fantastically (very rare) awesome company that has a straight-forward system and staff members who are straightforward and completely cooperative, chances are there are some major adjustments you have to make. The biggest problem I have had in the past and continuing until now is the "tate-mae" bullshit. I'm sorry, I think it's Japanese for "I'm-going-to-stab-you-in-the-fucking-back-after-I-smile-and-tell-you-things-are-fine." I've dealt with this issue time and again, and really, it rubs me raw. My problem is that students have the tendency to not take me seriously or even give me the consideration of TRYING to tell me something. Instead, they act as though I am "doing fine," then go and bitch to the higher-ups about me.
First thing is first. If you want to be an ENGLISH TEACHER and you are in an ENGLISH CLASS, then why don't you just TRY to practice a bit of English instead of sulking behind a pathetic and fake mask until you can later spill every frustration you have (which is your fault) in Japanese? I have no pity for you. The problems that you have in class? Not my problem. If you don't tell me, I don't know, and frankly, going to my superiors about it makes me want to help you even less. What a weak way to deal with an issue. You don't even try, you just go and bitch about things after you find a bad taste in your mouth. And then, of course, who gets fingers pointed at them? Me.
The message I've gotten from all this is clear. This, culturally or not, is a display of disrespect. You don't respect me as a person, as a teacher. To you, because I work in the joke called "eikaiwa," I am a product. A service. You are unhappy, so you go state your opinions and rants of dissatisfaction to the customer service center where you paid. You're not going to take the time to think about why you are unhappy, you just want to make demands.
I'm only going to deal with this for so long. The things I've had up until now have made suffering worth it to an extent, but I really do deserve a more dignifying way of life than just a performing, dancing monkey. Yep, I said it. That's all they see me as, and when the audience isn't happy, guess who gets all the crap for it? It's a trickling pyramid of crap, and I'm at the bottom. Always. I always will be. A second-rate citizen, a joke, a clown and a play thing. The people who take me seriously are few and far between mostly. This is why I've been busting my butt to make something better for myself here, I shouldn't have to do this for the rest of my life because the average person here doesn't see me for anything more than an "entertaining introduction to a language."
Some days it's just so damn hard to keep positive. Some days it is painful to smile. But hey...I guess I have to participate in the "tate-mae" bullshit, too. =_=
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