My life has been all about constant change in the past couple of months...maybe I could even say this about the past year. I can't seem to settle in comfortably to anything because nothing is really static. Even with my job that I assumed I'd be used to at this point has me on my toes all the time with changing and unclear expectations and tasks, but I'm starting to accept that the "oh, by the way..."s is just something eikaiwa is plagued with. Overall, I love almost everything about where I'm at. I'm still working on making it all better, making me better, but I know that I'm still growing as a person.
Well, my struggles these past couple of weeks have come from my medical problems. Unbeknownst to me, I seem to have a rare form of hypothyroid/Hashimoto's disease that very few physicians in Japan are able to treat. I get the feeling with the more reactions and turn-downs I get from medical personel who look at my data, that there are things I haven't been told. It's kind of scary for me right now, especially because I'm aware of how doctors lie and avoid the truth here sometimes. I don't want to play guessing games with my health. Well, I've been searching and running out of medicine...so things have been placed in the hands of Kenji's relatives. I know they want to help, but.... it makes me more anxious. He called one of them last night to check on progress, and apparently, my illness requires specific medical attention that creates a huge mission even for them. =_=; I never knew it would be this hard, considering before I came I tried to make sure that this disease existed here.
Well, aside from that, last week was a roller coaster of emotions. I was lucky to have some student friends invite me out to karaoke on a day we didn't have class. It was so, so much fun!!! I think we stayed for like 6 or 7 hours...not sure because time flew by for me. I loved listening to the songs they chose to sing and watching how they sang them. Some songs were group activities. I have to admit, YATTA was my favorite, with the remaining crowd up and jumping and dancing... I loved singing, and I even found my favorite song (it's not at any other karaoke places)!!! It just felt so good to be around friends and to sing and find out more about them. ^.^
Later in the week, I had another cooking class, but this time with kids. Unfortunately, there was no practice run so almost everything seemed to be done with an edge of uncertainty. I was told directions at the spur of the moment, which really got to me after awhile, especially when I looked around to see the disorganization and unevenness of everything. It went downhill, the power fluctuated and went out, rendering the electric hotplates useless...so my "giving directions in English" went out the window as everyone scrambled to try to regain progress with the gas burners and pans. We had some great participants, though, and everything smoothed over, thanks to the volunteers and teachers handling the groups of kids. I really was stressed out, though. I don't like things that aren't clarified because usually, I end up screwing up without knowing or not knowing how to try to meet expectations. Well, such is the way things have been going...so I kind of resigned myself to step back and just let whatever happen. I tried to engage with kids and "do my job," but...hopefully there is a totally different set-up next time.
After that, though, my awesome friend took me to her neighborhood for lunch with her rather...wealthy neighbor. Her neighbor was so sweet, and so was her yellow lab. Goido was his name (the dog), and he was so sweet!!! I enjoyed playing with him and getting my fill of dog love for the afternoon. Even though his leg was bothering him, he wanted to play tug of war and rough-house a bit. After that visit that included some delicious ramen and sweets, we went to her house to play with her little dogs, who decided to play king of the mountain on me and fight in my lap for attention. I realize more and more how much I need to move forward and get myself back to a place I can be with animals....dogs are my kind of people, definitely. It healed me a bit, though, and I appreciate how my new friends have took note of and understood some things I've been kind of neglecting with myself. I'm so surprised with how lucky I've been recently with friends...I feel like I've added more to my "family" and people who get me. For now, that's enough to keep me going and trying.
Next month, I hopefully get some quality time with some of my best friends. I haven't had enough time with them, even though we live in the same country! The last time I saw them was at Chronos' first show. I'm also looking forward to practice and recording next month! Things are moving forward...I've given lyrics to some band members to make new songs, our leader is trying to get us coverage in Italian music magazines (yaay!), and we're going to be making our first official mini-album for our winter show soon. For now, it's just a matter of working hard on improving, lots of thinking, and trying not to get too stressed again.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Friday, July 13, 2012
A Rough Week...
I have had such a busy, busy week...mostly in my head. My emotions have taken me on a roller coaster. I have no clue how to feel about my job right now. I am not sure at all how I am viewed, because most everything seems unclear and full of misunderstandings. I don't get what people want sometimes. I can't read alot of things on my work computer because everything is in kanji. Yeah, someone could say "it's your fault, you chose this. Study Japanese like any smart person would do," but even if I were to use my free time to study, it takes a long time to learn kanji and its context. Yeah, excuses excuses....but there is a certain point where the line needs to be drawn. I've been fussed at for things being "a waste of time." I don't know how it's my fault when clearly, I can't read and understand certain things I need to use in order to work. I'm not going to click away at shit on my computer to "figure it out." That's how bigger mistakes happen. I'm surprised the more and more I find out about lack of consideration and empathy for individuals sometimes.
For example, passing out flyers. In Japan, it is a common way of advertising. Standing at a train station or shoutengai (shopping street near a station usually) and handing out things to passer-bys who will take them can be seen every day at almost every station here. I always thought that had to be one of the worst jobs ever. Not only is talking to strangers a bit embarrassing, but harassing them to take something and also getting rejected repeatedly seems nightmarish. I was right. I found myself in that position earlier this week. I was told to hand out tissues with flyers about a cooking class I've been made to assist in teaching. I don't mind the class itself, even if it is a form of extortion. Performing as a character is kind of an eikaiwa requirement...something that's taxing and really, it gnaws away at you...but anyways, handing out flyers. It's terrible. I felt really stressed and sore. Speaking English to Japanese people intimidates them most of the time. The person ordering me to do all this didnt seem to consider that. So here I was, trying to approach people and being rejected 90% of the time. I'm not outgoing. I never have been. Talking to people is usually painful and awkward for me because I really do have anxiety socially. Coming to Japan and finding the friends and band members I have has been a huge challenge that I really had to push myself to do. Anyways, instead of saying anything about what I did right, all I got was "you need to be more aggressive. You're not doing this/that/etc wrong." So I tried. The other person there saw how hard it was for me, I think, and took up more of the slack. I felt guilty for that, too...but really, this pushed me totally out of anything close to my comfort zone. It didn't help that my picture was plastered all over these flyers, so if someone got the flyer from someone down the way from me, I could see the people glance at the flyer and then look up at me, then stare....sometimes laugh. I think I was overly sensitive because of my circumstance, but it really did feel humiliating.
And to add to my imbalanced emotions and uncertainty of where I stand at my job....well, let's just say...most of the time, when I speak Japanese, I have people laughing. (except band members/closer friends who take me seriously) I can't always figure out why. Sometimes people say it's because what I say is right- on, other times, I think it's because I sound really strange...either way, it's kind of weird trying to talk to people sometimes. To get to the point, I had a practice cooking class run-through kind of thing. Towards the end, the cooking teacher let us try the dishes she had prepared. I just didn't think of it as anything when I told her "kore ha hontou ni umai desu!" Instead of using the more feminine "oishii." At that moment, the two other teachers busted out laughing and I looked at them confusedly. One of them explained, to my embarasssment, that "umai" was a man's word...but tomboys use it, which I thought is fine...I'm not a girly girl. We laughed about it a little more and they told me it's okay as long as I don't say it around the in-laws. ^^; Well, when another person arrived on scene, the others decided to dispel the situation and told her. I was really shocked when this person just turned and looked at me and told me that "You're not Japanese and it's a man's word, so it sounds too weird if you say it." ......excuse me? Not Japanese? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Maybe I'm taking it the wrong way, but that's like me telling people here "you can't say condensation because you're not British or American. It sounds too weird for Asians to say it." =_= And why did it have to be so blunt and callous? Even if that's what you think, there is a WAY to rephrase it into a more tactful way as to not rub someone raw. So I stood there, extremely embarrassed and shocked, a little hurt. I hate that my face is so apparent, too. I know it showed. And my reaction was laughed at. I felt just a bit exposed and trampled on. Well, I've asked a friend about it. I can fuckin' say UMAI if I damn well feel like it!
And earlier this week, this has been what I had to deal with:
A Curse Without Clarity
To be blunt, I've been freaked out, almost out of my mind scared at times this past week. My health has been all over the place, and it's hard for me to figure what's been going on. Living in a country where doctors aren't always straightforward and I don't have the fluency to explain everything, I've been trying to do my own research to figure it out. I'm trying not to jump to conclusions. I refuse to accept that it's something as extreme and severe as a thyroidic cancer, but even the thought of nodules scare me. Do I have something that might require surgery? I still have no idea what exactly has caused the pain and lymph node swelling. I could just have a simple virus again...but the fact that it has had symptoms reoccur freak me out. This isnt the first time my throat has swollen, but the acute pain is different. Anything involving my throat scares me...I've been working too hard to risk losing my voice. The more I read about thyroid-related problems and the constant misery of Hashimoto's patients, the more anxious and depressed I get.
I probably sound like a basket-case, but I really feel lately like I dont have anyone understanding to talk to. I can't just go to the doctor and get questions answered for me. My last doctor instead sat me down and interrogated me. "Why is your white blood cell count elevated? Do you know why? Why are your caroten levels higher than a Japanese person? WHy?" Every visit has been stressful. Instead of being given advice or answers, I was put in more of a position of someone wrongfully living their life. I can't tell you why I'm naturally a freak. My body feels like it's out of my control most of the time. I really am tired. I'm tired of not knowing how to make things better, feeling fatigue and pain most every day, being dizzy, having so many problems all the time and just complaining without answers. Out of all the illnesses I could have, it had to be one literally surrounding my voice. Sometimes I'm just so fucking fed up. A life without music and the ability to sing for me would be a life not worth living.
Luckily, I got my body closer to normal again with extra precautions and ginger...care, it you call it that. I've been able to build back up to a normal practice schedule again, so studio-time tomorrow is going to be great (I hope!!) Anyways. I'm definitely thinking a lot more about my life and where it's going again. The only choices for me now is what to improve and how so I can go further. I know all this has sounded really negative, but I also have many positive things in my head as well...like how my techniques are improving/ people I'm getting to know better/ I get to see my bands mates soon!! ( i love those guys!) / and hopefully, hang out with my friends again! I'm still really a lucky person, I haven't forgotten that. I just have some challenges again I need to weigh ^.^
For example, passing out flyers. In Japan, it is a common way of advertising. Standing at a train station or shoutengai (shopping street near a station usually) and handing out things to passer-bys who will take them can be seen every day at almost every station here. I always thought that had to be one of the worst jobs ever. Not only is talking to strangers a bit embarrassing, but harassing them to take something and also getting rejected repeatedly seems nightmarish. I was right. I found myself in that position earlier this week. I was told to hand out tissues with flyers about a cooking class I've been made to assist in teaching. I don't mind the class itself, even if it is a form of extortion. Performing as a character is kind of an eikaiwa requirement...something that's taxing and really, it gnaws away at you...but anyways, handing out flyers. It's terrible. I felt really stressed and sore. Speaking English to Japanese people intimidates them most of the time. The person ordering me to do all this didnt seem to consider that. So here I was, trying to approach people and being rejected 90% of the time. I'm not outgoing. I never have been. Talking to people is usually painful and awkward for me because I really do have anxiety socially. Coming to Japan and finding the friends and band members I have has been a huge challenge that I really had to push myself to do. Anyways, instead of saying anything about what I did right, all I got was "you need to be more aggressive. You're not doing this/that/etc wrong." So I tried. The other person there saw how hard it was for me, I think, and took up more of the slack. I felt guilty for that, too...but really, this pushed me totally out of anything close to my comfort zone. It didn't help that my picture was plastered all over these flyers, so if someone got the flyer from someone down the way from me, I could see the people glance at the flyer and then look up at me, then stare....sometimes laugh. I think I was overly sensitive because of my circumstance, but it really did feel humiliating.
And to add to my imbalanced emotions and uncertainty of where I stand at my job....well, let's just say...most of the time, when I speak Japanese, I have people laughing. (except band members/closer friends who take me seriously) I can't always figure out why. Sometimes people say it's because what I say is right- on, other times, I think it's because I sound really strange...either way, it's kind of weird trying to talk to people sometimes. To get to the point, I had a practice cooking class run-through kind of thing. Towards the end, the cooking teacher let us try the dishes she had prepared. I just didn't think of it as anything when I told her "kore ha hontou ni umai desu!" Instead of using the more feminine "oishii." At that moment, the two other teachers busted out laughing and I looked at them confusedly. One of them explained, to my embarasssment, that "umai" was a man's word...but tomboys use it, which I thought is fine...I'm not a girly girl. We laughed about it a little more and they told me it's okay as long as I don't say it around the in-laws. ^^; Well, when another person arrived on scene, the others decided to dispel the situation and told her. I was really shocked when this person just turned and looked at me and told me that "You're not Japanese and it's a man's word, so it sounds too weird if you say it." ......excuse me? Not Japanese? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Maybe I'm taking it the wrong way, but that's like me telling people here "you can't say condensation because you're not British or American. It sounds too weird for Asians to say it." =_= And why did it have to be so blunt and callous? Even if that's what you think, there is a WAY to rephrase it into a more tactful way as to not rub someone raw. So I stood there, extremely embarrassed and shocked, a little hurt. I hate that my face is so apparent, too. I know it showed. And my reaction was laughed at. I felt just a bit exposed and trampled on. Well, I've asked a friend about it. I can fuckin' say UMAI if I damn well feel like it!
And earlier this week, this has been what I had to deal with:
A Curse Without Clarity
To be blunt, I've been freaked out, almost out of my mind scared at times this past week. My health has been all over the place, and it's hard for me to figure what's been going on. Living in a country where doctors aren't always straightforward and I don't have the fluency to explain everything, I've been trying to do my own research to figure it out. I'm trying not to jump to conclusions. I refuse to accept that it's something as extreme and severe as a thyroidic cancer, but even the thought of nodules scare me. Do I have something that might require surgery? I still have no idea what exactly has caused the pain and lymph node swelling. I could just have a simple virus again...but the fact that it has had symptoms reoccur freak me out. This isnt the first time my throat has swollen, but the acute pain is different. Anything involving my throat scares me...I've been working too hard to risk losing my voice. The more I read about thyroid-related problems and the constant misery of Hashimoto's patients, the more anxious and depressed I get.
I probably sound like a basket-case, but I really feel lately like I dont have anyone understanding to talk to. I can't just go to the doctor and get questions answered for me. My last doctor instead sat me down and interrogated me. "Why is your white blood cell count elevated? Do you know why? Why are your caroten levels higher than a Japanese person? WHy?" Every visit has been stressful. Instead of being given advice or answers, I was put in more of a position of someone wrongfully living their life. I can't tell you why I'm naturally a freak. My body feels like it's out of my control most of the time. I really am tired. I'm tired of not knowing how to make things better, feeling fatigue and pain most every day, being dizzy, having so many problems all the time and just complaining without answers. Out of all the illnesses I could have, it had to be one literally surrounding my voice. Sometimes I'm just so fucking fed up. A life without music and the ability to sing for me would be a life not worth living.
Luckily, I got my body closer to normal again with extra precautions and ginger...care, it you call it that. I've been able to build back up to a normal practice schedule again, so studio-time tomorrow is going to be great (I hope!!) Anyways. I'm definitely thinking a lot more about my life and where it's going again. The only choices for me now is what to improve and how so I can go further. I know all this has sounded really negative, but I also have many positive things in my head as well...like how my techniques are improving/ people I'm getting to know better/ I get to see my bands mates soon!! ( i love those guys!) / and hopefully, hang out with my friends again! I'm still really a lucky person, I haven't forgotten that. I just have some challenges again I need to weigh ^.^
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Another Battle of Mixed Signals
In all honesty, one of the major challenges I've come to face since I've moved to Japan is not just being an outsider and a minority in almost everything I do (*especially music, though!*), but the constant pressure and feeling less than enough. I've always tried to live my life with high expectations for myself so that I continue to strive and accomplish and push to be better...but for some reason, the atmosphere here is different. There's an indirect and almost scathing way people talk to you. It's not always the words they use, it's how they say them that really eats me up... because here, it's rare to be direct about something, so a statement usually leaves one wanting more. I am often left contemplating more deeply than I'd like, questioning myself more and becoming a bit perplexed over the actual intent or meaning of something. I'm a people-pleaser...or at least I try to be. I often don't make many people happy at all, but...well, I try hard to. One of the worst feelings I get is when I disappoint someone..it stems alot from my childhood, I think. I remember feelings of self-loathing and deep depression when I received the results of disappointing them. (which still seems to be quite often). It basically transformed into a kind of subconscious process of "if I disappoint ______ , they wont love me. They might not accept me again. I wont be good enough for _____ if it happens." Anyways, enough of my headcase problems. What I'm getting at is, there is more of a constant feeling of not being good enough that lingers in the back of my mind here. Maybe that's part of being a self-conscious adult, I'm not sure. Maybe I'm finally growing up and seeing how much falling short is a reality in life. But I do wonder alot if I'll ever have a job again where I feel like I AM good enough and that I do a good job. Perhaps this comes from having a job with humans again. I hate to say it, but every day is a struggle. I'm not a people person. I care about them and I love my students, but the role I have to fill...well, I feel like I just cant do it well enough most of the time. I feel they deserve more. I'm amazed every day I have class with these people, though. For instance, I have a class of aspiring teachers. These people are amazing, talented, creative, and they'll certainly be better than I ever could be. I feel part of that reasoning is because they truly have a passion. I can only hope I can be seen that way someday in music. These teachers are artists of their own, and although some of them lack confidence, I see the makings of great things in their pursuit. One of my battles is trying to figure out how to be what I'm supposed to be. Both as a teacher and a vocalist, there is an expectation from people for me to be inspiring. I wish I were an inspiring, admirable person, but really, most of the time I'm just a stumbling socially-awkward fool. I enjoy looking up and seeing where I could go and what challenges I might be able to get through, but it is easy to really be down on myself and upset when nothing gratifying is visible. I'm not a naturally positive person, but I have been trying to change. I admire the positive people in my life, and as one of my band leaders told me, I want to find something to laugh about every day and do one thing I enjoy. I try to be a bit more forgiving of myself...its just hard when I feel like I cant please the people around me who matter.
Well, for some good news...I've been trying to study more. I've written lyrics for possibly...4 songs (though, I have to try to translate and fix some parts and get the approval of band members). I hope at least one makes it through the scrutiny! haha. I've been fighting with myself physically again, too, though. My throat and joints have been painfully swollen...I cut back my practice regimen to one hour on work days instead of my intended two hours because of the strain....I want to be so much better, though. I cant wait to be in the studio again. I want to be more than just okay...I want to head closer to amazing. Its hard learning about a vocal technique from research without a teacher here to help me. Almost everything I read advises to only learn these techniques with an instructor, but I have to do it with what I have and the awareness and training I'm equipped with. In the past month, I've browsed over various comments about my band and our music... some of it is encouraging, some is quite negative...but even with negative comments, I feel a drive to be even better. I know everyone wont like us, but I really want to give people a reason to listen. Someday, I do want to be good enough to change the world a little more with music and possibly change someone's life as the people I listened to changed mine. Someday I want to create something beautiful and worth keeping, something a bit timeless possibly, and something that forces people to really feel.
Well, all that said, I'm going to go practice a bit....
Well, for some good news...I've been trying to study more. I've written lyrics for possibly...4 songs (though, I have to try to translate and fix some parts and get the approval of band members). I hope at least one makes it through the scrutiny! haha. I've been fighting with myself physically again, too, though. My throat and joints have been painfully swollen...I cut back my practice regimen to one hour on work days instead of my intended two hours because of the strain....I want to be so much better, though. I cant wait to be in the studio again. I want to be more than just okay...I want to head closer to amazing. Its hard learning about a vocal technique from research without a teacher here to help me. Almost everything I read advises to only learn these techniques with an instructor, but I have to do it with what I have and the awareness and training I'm equipped with. In the past month, I've browsed over various comments about my band and our music... some of it is encouraging, some is quite negative...but even with negative comments, I feel a drive to be even better. I know everyone wont like us, but I really want to give people a reason to listen. Someday, I do want to be good enough to change the world a little more with music and possibly change someone's life as the people I listened to changed mine. Someday I want to create something beautiful and worth keeping, something a bit timeless possibly, and something that forces people to really feel.
Well, all that said, I'm going to go practice a bit....
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