Another Battle of Mixed Signals

  In all honesty, one of the major challenges I've come to face since I've moved to Japan is not just being an outsider and a minority in almost everything I do (*especially music, though!*), but the constant pressure and feeling less than enough. I've always tried to live my life with high expectations for myself so that I continue to strive and accomplish and push to be better...but for some reason, the atmosphere here is different. There's an indirect and almost scathing way people talk to you. It's not always the words they use, it's how they say them that really eats me up... because here, it's rare to be direct about something, so a statement usually leaves one wanting more. I am often left contemplating more deeply than I'd like, questioning myself more and becoming a bit perplexed over the actual intent or meaning of something. I'm a people-pleaser...or at least I try to be. I often don't make many people happy at all, but...well, I try hard to. One of the worst feelings I get is when I disappoint someone..it stems alot from my childhood, I think. I remember feelings of self-loathing and deep depression when I received the results of disappointing them. (which still seems to be quite often). It basically transformed into a kind of subconscious process of "if I disappoint ______ , they wont love me. They might not accept me again. I wont be good enough for _____ if it happens." Anyways, enough of my headcase problems.  What I'm getting at is, there is more of a constant feeling of not being good enough that lingers in the back of my mind here. Maybe that's part of being a self-conscious adult, I'm not sure. Maybe I'm finally growing up and seeing how much falling short is a reality in life. But I do wonder alot if I'll ever have a job again where I feel like I AM good enough and that I do a good job. Perhaps this comes from having a job with humans again. I hate to say it, but every day is a struggle. I'm not a people person. I care about them and I love my students, but the role I have to fill...well, I feel like I just cant do it well enough most of the time. I feel they deserve more. I'm amazed every day I have class with these people, though. For instance, I have a class of aspiring teachers. These people are amazing, talented, creative, and they'll certainly be better than I ever could be. I feel part of that reasoning is because they truly have a passion. I can only hope I can be seen that way someday in music. These teachers are artists of their own, and although some of them lack confidence, I see the makings of great things in their pursuit.  One of my battles is trying to figure out how to be what I'm supposed to be. Both as a teacher and a vocalist, there is an expectation from people for me to be inspiring. I wish I were an inspiring, admirable person, but really, most of the time I'm just a stumbling socially-awkward fool.  I enjoy looking up and seeing where I could go and what challenges I might be able to get through, but it is easy to really be down on myself and upset when nothing gratifying is visible. I'm not a naturally positive person, but I have been trying to change. I admire the positive people in my life, and as one of my band leaders told me, I want to find something to laugh about every day and do one thing I enjoy. I try to be a bit more forgiving of myself...its just hard when I feel like I cant please the people around me who matter. 
Well, for some good news...I've been trying to study more. I've written lyrics for possibly...4 songs (though, I have to try to translate and fix some parts and get the approval of band members). I hope at least one makes it through the scrutiny! haha.  I've been fighting with myself physically again, too, though. My throat and joints have been painfully swollen...I cut back my practice regimen to one hour on work days instead of my intended two hours because of the strain....I want to be so much better, though. I cant wait to be in the studio again. I want to be more than just okay...I want to head closer to amazing. Its hard learning about a vocal technique from research without a teacher here to help me. Almost everything I read advises to only learn these techniques with an instructor, but I have to do it with what I have and the awareness and training I'm equipped with. In the past month, I've browsed over various comments about my band and our music... some of it is encouraging, some is quite negative...but even with negative comments, I feel a drive to be even better. I know everyone wont like us, but I really want to give people a reason to listen. Someday, I do want to be good enough to change the world a little more with music and possibly change someone's life as the people I listened to changed mine. Someday I want to create something beautiful and worth keeping, something a bit timeless possibly, and something that forces people to really feel. 
Well, all that said, I'm going to go practice a bit....