I have had such a busy, busy week...mostly in my head. My emotions have taken me on a roller coaster. I have no clue how to feel about my job right now. I am not sure at all how I am viewed, because most everything seems unclear and full of misunderstandings. I don't get what people want sometimes. I can't read alot of things on my work computer because everything is in kanji. Yeah, someone could say "it's your fault, you chose this. Study Japanese like any smart person would do," but even if I were to use my free time to study, it takes a long time to learn kanji and its context. Yeah, excuses excuses....but there is a certain point where the line needs to be drawn. I've been fussed at for things being "a waste of time." I don't know how it's my fault when clearly, I can't read and understand certain things I need to use in order to work. I'm not going to click away at shit on my computer to "figure it out." That's how bigger mistakes happen. I'm surprised the more and more I find out about lack of consideration and empathy for individuals sometimes.
For example, passing out flyers. In Japan, it is a common way of advertising. Standing at a train station or shoutengai (shopping street near a station usually) and handing out things to passer-bys who will take them can be seen every day at almost every station here. I always thought that had to be one of the worst jobs ever. Not only is talking to strangers a bit embarrassing, but harassing them to take something and also getting rejected repeatedly seems nightmarish. I was right. I found myself in that position earlier this week. I was told to hand out tissues with flyers about a cooking class I've been made to assist in teaching. I don't mind the class itself, even if it is a form of extortion. Performing as a character is kind of an eikaiwa requirement...something that's taxing and really, it gnaws away at you...but anyways, handing out flyers. It's terrible. I felt really stressed and sore. Speaking English to Japanese people intimidates them most of the time. The person ordering me to do all this didnt seem to consider that. So here I was, trying to approach people and being rejected 90% of the time. I'm not outgoing. I never have been. Talking to people is usually painful and awkward for me because I really do have anxiety socially. Coming to Japan and finding the friends and band members I have has been a huge challenge that I really had to push myself to do. Anyways, instead of saying anything about what I did right, all I got was "you need to be more aggressive. You're not doing this/that/etc wrong." So I tried. The other person there saw how hard it was for me, I think, and took up more of the slack. I felt guilty for that, too...but really, this pushed me totally out of anything close to my comfort zone. It didn't help that my picture was plastered all over these flyers, so if someone got the flyer from someone down the way from me, I could see the people glance at the flyer and then look up at me, then stare....sometimes laugh. I think I was overly sensitive because of my circumstance, but it really did feel humiliating.
And to add to my imbalanced emotions and uncertainty of where I stand at my job....well, let's just say...most of the time, when I speak Japanese, I have people laughing. (except band members/closer friends who take me seriously) I can't always figure out why. Sometimes people say it's because what I say is right- on, other times, I think it's because I sound really strange...either way, it's kind of weird trying to talk to people sometimes. To get to the point, I had a practice cooking class run-through kind of thing. Towards the end, the cooking teacher let us try the dishes she had prepared. I just didn't think of it as anything when I told her "kore ha hontou ni umai desu!" Instead of using the more feminine "oishii." At that moment, the two other teachers busted out laughing and I looked at them confusedly. One of them explained, to my embarasssment, that "umai" was a man's word...but tomboys use it, which I thought is fine...I'm not a girly girl. We laughed about it a little more and they told me it's okay as long as I don't say it around the in-laws. ^^; Well, when another person arrived on scene, the others decided to dispel the situation and told her. I was really shocked when this person just turned and looked at me and told me that "You're not Japanese and it's a man's word, so it sounds too weird if you say it." ......excuse me? Not Japanese? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Maybe I'm taking it the wrong way, but that's like me telling people here "you can't say condensation because you're not British or American. It sounds too weird for Asians to say it." =_= And why did it have to be so blunt and callous? Even if that's what you think, there is a WAY to rephrase it into a more tactful way as to not rub someone raw. So I stood there, extremely embarrassed and shocked, a little hurt. I hate that my face is so apparent, too. I know it showed. And my reaction was laughed at. I felt just a bit exposed and trampled on. Well, I've asked a friend about it. I can fuckin' say UMAI if I damn well feel like it!
And earlier this week, this has been what I had to deal with:
A Curse Without Clarity
To be blunt, I've been freaked out, almost out of my mind scared at times this past week. My health has been all over the place, and it's hard for me to figure what's been going on. Living in a country where doctors aren't always straightforward and I don't have the fluency to explain everything, I've been trying to do my own research to figure it out. I'm trying not to jump to conclusions. I refuse to accept that it's something as extreme and severe as a thyroidic cancer, but even the thought of nodules scare me. Do I have something that might require surgery? I still have no idea what exactly has caused the pain and lymph node swelling. I could just have a simple virus again...but the fact that it has had symptoms reoccur freak me out. This isnt the first time my throat has swollen, but the acute pain is different. Anything involving my throat scares me...I've been working too hard to risk losing my voice. The more I read about thyroid-related problems and the constant misery of Hashimoto's patients, the more anxious and depressed I get.
I probably sound like a basket-case, but I really feel lately like I dont have anyone understanding to talk to. I can't just go to the doctor and get questions answered for me. My last doctor instead sat me down and interrogated me. "Why is your white blood cell count elevated? Do you know why? Why are your caroten levels higher than a Japanese person? WHy?" Every visit has been stressful. Instead of being given advice or answers, I was put in more of a position of someone wrongfully living their life. I can't tell you why I'm naturally a freak. My body feels like it's out of my control most of the time. I really am tired. I'm tired of not knowing how to make things better, feeling fatigue and pain most every day, being dizzy, having so many problems all the time and just complaining without answers. Out of all the illnesses I could have, it had to be one literally surrounding my voice. Sometimes I'm just so fucking fed up. A life without music and the ability to sing for me would be a life not worth living.
Luckily, I got my body closer to normal again with extra precautions and ginger...care, it you call it that. I've been able to build back up to a normal practice schedule again, so studio-time tomorrow is going to be great (I hope!!) Anyways. I'm definitely thinking a lot more about my life and where it's going again. The only choices for me now is what to improve and how so I can go further. I know all this has sounded really negative, but I also have many positive things in my head as well...like how my techniques are improving/ people I'm getting to know better/ I get to see my bands mates soon!! ( i love those guys!) / and hopefully, hang out with my friends again! I'm still really a lucky person, I haven't forgotten that. I just have some challenges again I need to weigh ^.^
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