Hiking at Takatori

Nothing but the smell of moss and trees <3

*_* A Kitsune Shrine

I would love to have a resting place like this...in the middle of the forest...so peaceful!

Such a cutie! I scared him by accident when I stepped on a stick he was resting on

Sometimes being in the presence of statues is more calming than anything else.

Just sitting and listening to "nothing" for awhile, you remember how to breathe more deeply than you usually can in everyday life.

One of the most amazing creepy things I've seen in awhile...individually carved bodies and faces in one huge stone....so awe-inspiring ^.^

A view coming down from the top

Nara will always have a special place in my mind when thinking about beautiful places in Japan...

The variance in art style at this shrine was amazing! These little guys seem to have more of an ancient appeal to them, while the outer "guards" have the more developed look about them.

Cries From the Rabbit Hole...(Learning to Walk Again)

I appreciated everything I had. I really, truly, cherished everything I had and truly felt I had everything I could ever want in life at one point in time. The most painful thing about all of this was the awareness in the back of my mind that all of this was slipping out from my grasp, through my fingers, and no matter how hard or what I tried, it was all going away, leaving me barren with only fear and panic and a heart shattered beyond repair.

I saw the end coming and foolishly, I tried to hold it back and cling tightly to what I thought I had, believing I had a chance, that I could save it from the inevitable. Something I have learned, though, is...if you can see the end, it's already too late. People have made up their minds, and despite how pure or gold your intentions may be, no matter what you lay before you to sacrifice or try to atone with, it's not ever going to be “worthy.”

At one point in my life, I had the job I had always dreamed of, a person whom I loved more than anything, and the band I had spent my entire life dreaming of. I had it all. I lived comfortably, I was pursuing my life-long goal, and working hard to improve and trying to become what I felt everyone I valued needed me to be. The problem with all of this is, the more I struggled with the exterior validity others were not affording me, the more and more I lost pieces of myself and the deeper and deeper I sank into a hole of lost identity and sickness.

It has taken me a long time to accept all of the shocking truths that have revealed themselves in my life. I literally felt abandoned by almost everyone I had ever known or trusted at one point. My friends had either forgotten about me or managed to lose touch and interest in my life entirely around the same time my life for the past 6 years found itself in utter ruins. On top of that, I couldn't manage to accept that the “dream job” I had was actually a lie. I was never going to be accepted or be “one of them,” no matter how hard I tried. It's interesting to see how everything fell apart around the same time, though. I think it's one of life's most spectacular lessons I've had to endure. I found myself alienated and alone, hardly anyone to turn to as I had to find a way to re-start in a foreign land...a new life. Nobody to love and no one there to love me...a new place to live in a new part of town all of the sudden after a new job...it all happened so fast, in just a blink of an eye. I slowly began to realize...people really don't care. No, really, they don't. Unless you're doing something for them, people do not give a shit. Sometimes, even if you are doing something for someone they couldn't care less. And sometimes after years of doing almost everything you can for some people, the only thing they have left for you is quite a different sentiment than what you might hope for. This all sounds so negative, but bear with me...the reason I'm putting all of this down is, it's one thing I've had to learn to re-affirm that exterior validation is an ever failing quest. People don't care, and therefore, by entrusting your validity in them, you're only asking to come up short. I've been given more reasons to tell the world to fuck off in the past 6 months than some people ever get in a period of years. I'm the fucking little red hen! Nobody helped plant the seeds or reap or knead... the bread is MINE, bitches!!!! I'm not saying that nobody has helped me along the rugged path I've been treading, I owe my thanks to the few who really have stuck around or inspired me to embrace the suffering as something beautiful and essential to being reborn into something so much greater...but any of the naysayers who want to give me their two cents in the things to come, they can suck it. Every single damn good thing that's about to happen is something I've already bled for.

I have so much more to do before I can really say I've overcome what I've been facing. My demons have found such incredible strength in all this, and just getting out of bed is a battle beyond words sometimes. But I've also learned that in choosing to live for something bigger than me, in the belief that I can create something more beautiful than anything I could actually ever become. I've been learning so much about things beyond the secular and what might really matter. But even if I have the ability to recognize things, I haven't yet reached the level of true utilization, and I suppose that is why I continue to pay the price of something I'm not truly sure of. I'm still in full battle with my ego...trying to kill the negative, the sickness, the poison and trying to see beyond what's left and into what's to come.

Something nobody ever tells you when you're a kid with dreams is how much your dreams will take...how if you really follow them, you'll be giving up everything else along the way as payment. Nobody tells you that dreams kill all the other things and that like a sickness, it'll consume you and everything you thought life was about. Nobody ever says because few hardly do and even fewer really know. It's such a beautiful, terrible thing...so wonderful and painful and lonely. It takes you out far from others...you drift away and find yourself as a spectator of the life and things you left behind and you become a lost explorer headed towards unknown territory. There are times you can't recognize your own reflection and words fail you, but there's no holding back. It takes all, you give all.

A Perfect Stroll....

 Here is a long overdue positive update. Today I took a day for myself. I seized the chance to get away from everyone and everything and went somewhere I've wanted to go for a long time.    It's strange to me sometimes that we don't always take advantage of opportunities when they're right there, but rather look for them later when they may be further out of reach.  These tunnels are actually located one station from Takarazuka, where I worked my first year in Japan. They were right there for me to access easily, but I have never given myself the chance of exploring them until now.    What perfect timing, though.... 

Today was a bit warm, but not too hot and there was a constant breeze the whole way.  The police officer who saw me heading up the highway from the station knew my intended destination and gave me some pointers on how to get there, but he also expressed his concern over me not having a flashlight and not many people on the trail.   He warned that the longer tunnels sometimes had no visible "end" and the rocks could be difficult to walk on. Luckily I found a decent app for my iphone (haha, I know! It's kind of lazy of me) that sufficed just wonderfully. 
  The reason why I say that today was the perfect opportunity is...well, I've been in need for some internal examination. The tunnels with utter silence and darkness, they were the perfect places for my thoughts to run free and for me to confront them without any distractions. 

The most interesting parts happened when I slowed to a stop in
 total darkness. The first tunnel, admittedly, I faced small anxieties and feelings of fear..the light from

 my phone was bright enough to guide me, but of course my focus was limited to the space right before me. Each tunnel had a different kind of creepy or eerie or even calming feel to it.  The crows seemed to be taunting me at the ends of the first tunnel, calling out short  and jeering statements  which creeped me out a bit. All the different emotions and thoughts encountered and sometimes letting my imagination race off in another direction made each trek through darkness a surreal experience. Sometimes no sound at all except for my breathing and uneven footsteps. Sometimes the roar of the neighboring river or waterfall would dance along the openings and follow me in or lure me out of a tunnel...sometimes water would trickle from the walls or drip from the ceiling, making echoes and  obscured  gurgling. One tunnel had railroad ties lining the walls, and with the the wind rushing past me into the tunnel, it felt like an epic journey into the belly of a beast.  

With hardly another soul to encounter, the trail and tunnels and surrounding scenery could make anyone feel like they were trapped in a combination of "Spirited Away" and a show from the Discovery channel. ^^;   
  I have to recommend this to anyone interested in abandoned places (like me!) or anyone who just needs to get away from...just about everything. 　ああ．．．スッキリした〜！^.^ 

graffiti carved into the moss outside one of the tunnels

what used to be a stairway to an overpass for a platform now leads....nowhere.

As I mentioned....feeling like watching a live version of Spirited Away sometimes...^^;

yaay Spring~! If you look closely, you can see the remnants of the train tracks, too.

inside one of the tunnels...I couldn't see this with my bare eyes, I caught a glimpse of it with my flashlight. wicked cool!!

what used to be one of the stands along the railway...I'm sure it'd be a great spot for viewing, but...I'm afraid of heights >.<;

Kill To Save A Life....

   Due to the nature of events in my life lately, blogging has become a rarity. I've been longing more and more to keep the problems  I face at a minimal share rate and I've wanted to learn better ways of handling things alone...because utterly, that's what I've been faced with. Dealing with friends leaving and people losing touch, I've felt the need to combat my own battles silently, as reaching out makes it harder to overcome if there's an additional rejection added to the equation.  Anxiety aside, I'll be honest in saying that the past 6 months or so have been a long, trying process of trying to win over certain circumstances, but mostly and foremost, myself.   Today I did something that was harder for me to do than I'd like to have known to the people involved. For the second time in my life, I had to walk away from something I worked so hard to get, fought so hard to keep and thought for so long that that was what I wanted. But in all things considered, I'd rather sacrifice my self in that position than give up what I want more than anything. I was pushed to this point, there was no winning and no overcoming where I was. One of my weaknesses is giving up and letting go...I'm tenacious by nature and usually stubborn. I like to see things through to the end, especially if I feel that I want it bad enough...but I've come to realize that sometimes it takes more strength to walk away than to cling to something that just isn't going to be.   
   I would like to say, though, that through all of this, I've been fortunate enough to see more of where I want to be, where I'm going to be. I've been lucky to still have amazing people in my life that still believe that somehow I will overcome all this and find "who" I am.   With the last show, I was also able to see more of how nothing should have to be in the way of music. I can't help how people feel or don't feel about me.  I'm learning, though, that it doesn't matter. If someone can't take who I am, then they need not be involved in my life. I've cared too much for too long about how everyone else thinks and feels, I've pushed my own needs and for that matter, pieces of my sanity aside. At least in seeing this I'm closer to being what I need to be.
I've fallen and I can't seem to stand on my feet quite yet. However, in my staggering to regain my stance, I have seen the dire need of attending to needs I've neglected. I also so more reasons to stay inspired rather than to fall victim to the voice that's been stuck in my head. I have too many great people around me, higher ground to keep my eyes on.  For now, my mission is to find a way out of feelings of shame and despair and into a more balanced feeling of peace and inner worth. Taking a step back from what I *think* I want and focusing on what I *REALLY* want is one of the stages...but in order to do that, I must also figure out who "I" am. 
   I'll be fine. I'm 100% sure I've made the right choice, that I'm here for all the right reasons. It's only just begun. I may stumble more along the way...but I'm on the path of something great. And for now...I'm back to doing a job that pays....it's something I "do," not who or what I am. I'm happy to be back in something comfortable, though. This way, I can dedicate more time and thought to the process that really matters.   Everything happens for a reason, but it's often the choices we make with what we're given that leads us to the next thing. I've learned a lot. There were many, many things that I was able to experience. That alone is invaluable.   The next step?  I'm going to re-discover what I love here and focus more of my energy on the great and wonderful! ^.^    Don't let all this "happy" talk fool you, though...I'm also taking the time to examine all the suffering I'm experiencing as well. I find it, too, is something crucial to be understood and acknowledged in order to grow.   So here's to growth...spiritual pursuit....and REALLY becoming awesome. 

Confessions

I've been feeling pressure immensely since late last year. It's almost like I pushed through it long enough to "get away" for awhile with my trip to the US... The problem is, there was no escape or time for me to really gather or re-compose. Instead, I found more troubles to take back with me.  The reminder that what I once knew has moved away from the place I once had, and so that place is no longer. The reminder of all the things I miss out on and all the little ways I've drifted further away from everything and everyone. The questions about who and what I am, what I'm doing, and if the direction I'm trying to go is really right. All I gave up. All I left behind. All that's left me behind.
Then I came back. To be honest, I couldn't wait to return. With how I felt during my trip, it's almost like I started thinking that life had made it easier for me to skip any indecision altogether and has forced me to continue onward in this direction.  But... The truth is, I have to say the feelings of detachment and loneliness have grown, and the fact that my best friend will soon be leaving here too makes it all the more powerful. My coworkers are nice, but there's no relationship. No commonality to really chat about, so nobody really talks to me outside of telling me what to do or explaining things. What's worse, is I make so many stupid, stupid mistakes. I'm at the point right now where I don't even know why or how I do some things sometimes. Inside, I'm screaming...I just want to make them happy to have me instead of being someone who is regrettably there. I want to help and be valuable, not someone who just causes more work for everyone else. To be honest, I really hate who I am right now. I feel so unworthy of so many things in my life right now and another part of me is scared of it all slipping away because I'm  turning out to be such a disappointment. Failure is about the only thing I'm good at for the moment.
Another anxiety I've been carrying..... My health has been worsening by the day. I'm scared out of my mind with what's happening to me. My thyroid problems seem to be out of control. It's a struggle to go to sleep. When I do, I wake up anywhere from one to three in the morning in a panic attack and it takes at least another hour to get back to sleep. My weight varies so much, i feel like the f-ing Nutty Professor. Yeah... I wish i could laugh about that one. i dont want to really eat because of all the digestive problems. I'm losing vocal control and parts of my range. My voice now waivers when I try sustaining a note in warm-up, and I can't keep my passagio connected. I'm freaking out inside because I have no control. My throat is swollen and sore and my voice has been coming and going. It's hard to eat, it hurts to drink, I have to apply pressure around my throat to really swallow sometimes. My depression has been so incredibly awful that I've found it best to just not interact with anyone if it can be helped. I hate where I am right now, and I don't want others to have to deal with it.
I don't really know how to change, but it's a necessity. I have many things I have responsibility for, things that can't end with disappointment. I'm trying to look at all this as another period of growth, but my fear of  going past the tipping point before I can climb to the next level is consuming. So for now, this is me and where I stand.

Bitter Pills from Yesterday

I suppose the only positive way to look at this is as another interesting life experience. I'm not trying to say the visit I had was terrible, but in long moments when I was by myself in my head, it was nothing short of a bittersweet awakening. When there doesn't seem to be much interest in your experiences and stories you'd like to share are refused, it's hard to feel anything other than intrusive in  conversation. It has been awhile since I've felt the outright unequal imbalance of  my sentiments versus those of others.
Maybe it's the reaction to my resignation and determination of "not coming back" that makes this scenario different than other friends who have lived abroad. Perhaps it is that only a fading interest still remains, and that's quenched by my updates via social media or blog.  Regardless, the distance and void  is unequivocally regarded with completely different views.
I'm learning how true it is that what people care about is what you can do for them. I never gave enough or did anything important enough before I left to make a large enough impact to last up to now. It's kind of like seeing a preview of how the world continues on after your funeral. No longer a part of the life you left behind, people forget and forget to miss you. The good part in seeing all this is that it's clearer than ever that I don't belong and there really isn't anything for me to come back to. Once you leave, you can't really go back. Things change and paths turn away from where you were. The thing I've also realized is that coming back at one year intervals is far too frequent. Maybe when I visit after being gone for three to five years the experience will be different. Either way, the only direction I can go is forward. And despite what some people may argue, I am alone. I have none who can understand what I'm facing, so the next step I need to take is figuring out how to become what I need to be on my own.
Being on the fringes of what I used to know and coming back often enough to see it pull away from me, it's definitely an eye opener. I will always love the people I knew and all I had with them, but I also need to find a way to make a place I belong in the direction I'm headed. Another chapter of confusion, another period of growth. As a warning for anyone curious, though, pursuing dreams and the journey to what you want to be is very lonely. I suppose it's the world's way of separating those who can suffer for a cause and those who can't survive. The mind can be wonderful, but it's also often a terrible thing. For the time being though, it seems to be the only thing static for me.

Reflection and Focus Forward

There are many things I have to think about.... Where am I going from here? What kind of person have I become, who will I be? Who do I want to be? What are the things I want to accomplish?  2012 went by faster than I anticipated, and I think it was a year of mixed feelings for many. For me, it was one of the hardest years I've had to live thru in my life. I'm not saying the most difficult things all happened in 2012, but collectively, I feel I've had to face more, do more, and work harder towards things than ever before. I'm going into the year 2013 with the knowledge that life just may be taking another turn towards more challenges. I'll be alone, as my best friend plans to return to the US. But I'll also have more exciting things... My band will do two shows in Osaka for the first time... And in October we plan to go to Italy for a show. I hope to continue to improve as a vocalist and as a person. I have so far to go.... My life has changed from living in the Western mindset of trying to do something "good enough" to always thinking about what can be changed or made better next time.  Nothing I do now is ever good enough. I make many, many mistakes all the time. Growth is painful. I've been positioned at the bottom in everything, the lowest with longest climb.  Some days I guess I could ask myself "why?" Or " what are you doing?"  I'm sure many people don't get why I'd choose to live in a foreign country with the frustration of not being able to understand everything or say what I want to say, or even having a commonality in little things with people. I'm not going to lie. As of recently, I've felt very lonely and alone in my struggles. But someone I look up to has reminded me that in each experience, especially the difficult ones, there is a chance to grow. By running, you defeat this chance. I can see the potential of many, many amazing things. Last year, I had many people back home tell me, " that's great, you're living your dream!" The truth is, I'm still on my way. But each day is a step closer... Sometimes a stumble backwards, but  overall in the direction I want to be headed in.  I want to live my life inspired, eager, and hungry. I'm content with many things but I don't think I'll ever be satisfied, so to say. I'll always be wanting to try more, to be more. I want to be able to look back someday and not just remember what I wanted to do, but to see what I DID as well as possibly what I  inspired or helped others to do.
As I continue on my journey, though, the struggle with what I see in the mirror doesn't get any easier.  I'm such a mess. So clumsy and I fall and break things almost every day. I'm not much to look at, and in my current state, I'm sure most people find me not too smart as well. I seem absent-minded, but in reality, I'm swimming in thoughts constantly.  I'm still struggling to climb the wall of many intricate barriers... Learning everything all over and trying to remember the different way. Fighting with constant mental defeat of not being able to say what I really mean or want to say and feeling left out most of the time. This all sounds so negative, and I guess it is, but I also have the great things I'm remembering... Like how I can do things now I couldn't figure out a month or so ago, I can follow more conversations or ask less questions, and oh, hey.... I'm working at a job kind of rare for a foreigner....and woah...I have a band. An AWESOME band.  I'm learning more and more about all the behind the scenes things and all the things that cause blood,sweat,and tears...lots of it.  The more of a taste I get, though, the more I want to sink my teeth deeper.
So what's my resolution? That's something hard to narrow down... But alongside wanting to become a better person, more capable at the things I'm trying to do, I want to be less selfish  with the people around me. I've never forgotten it's by the help of those I love and who love me that has gotten me to where I am, and I feel I really need to give back more. My previous tragedy really made me take more from others than I want to ever again. I want to really unlock who アイリス is. I'm starting to get more piece by piece and its such a great journey of discovery as I find ways thru all the head games and intimidation and step out onto the stage with a different attitude. So I guess, in general, I'll say... I want to be better.