Today has been no less of a test than many other trying ones. My schedule and expectations for me to perform are growing, and it feels like the voice in my head keeps screaming and straining harder to be heard by me. I have to keep going. Sometimes, that's all I can say to myself. It isn't that I can't handle all that it being thrown at me, but sometimes I can't avoid getting some sort of tension headache to accompany me throughout the day.
So, I found myself under pressure again...tomorrow I have to perform a "show" they call "Open House," where the child(ren)'s mother(s) come to class and semi-participate in the lesson and directly observe all that goes on. Tommorrow's lesson is not what worries me. It is my monster class that I am deeply concerned about. Today was another awful lesson gone terribly wrong. Despite being on the "right" teams to behave correctly, much went terribly wrong. Not only was I NOT listened to when explaining games, but there were quarrels and bickering and even objects thrown between classmates. Apparently, when observed by the assistant manager, my face was "scary." I can't seem to help but show how FUCKING STRESSED I feel just being around these mini assholes. I know it is a twisted, cruel game they are playing, but at the same time, smiling sincerely and being glad about the little progress, if any, or better yet pretending to be excited about their half-ass participation in class is an increasingly difficult thing for me to try. I need better lies...for myself and others. I need to fool myself into thinking that it doesn't matter if they even pay attention and get the information they need from the lesson. I need to pretend that it's FANTASTIC that they for once don't use Engrish with their vocab pronunciation. I know at this point I am being visibly manipulated by little piss-ants less than half my age. I will find a way to make it stop somehow, but the main thing I need to convince myself of is that it doesn't really matter to be a "good" teacher with this class. Trying hard to enforce what they need to learn...well, fuck it. Honestly, it is not my fault if they don't learn because they choose instead to waste my time and focus on the minuscule things in life like how ugly their classmate looks. I'll need to meditate before this class from now in, it seems, but I also need to adopt a new outlook. If I cared less, it would bother me less frequently, and at this point I think that matters the most. I'm tired of caring. Honestly, i don't give a flying fuck about the little manipulative assholes who want to see me crack because they are miserable with their lives. It's not my fault your fathers send you to cram school at age 9 and expect you to be more fluent in English which you will NEVER be, because your pronunciation SUCKS and you don't make enough effort to prepare for class. You'll wake up at age 30 and realize that your Engrish is causing problems at work and due to a communication error, you may be fired. I think imagining this scenario and smiling at them as they call the games we play stupid and boring and they barely form a sentence...well, it might help.
I realize kids are selfish, but that's no excuse to be a bastard. My problem is that I actually care too much. I take my job too seriously and try too hard with everything. In this case, I just need to laugh at how awful they are making it for themselves and act as if it is amazing at all when they do something right...well, I guess it is amazing. If only I could adopt the "fuck you" attitude and just get through class with laughter and smiles. Perhaps imagining how they will talk in 5 years will do it...
Well, off to something better. At least other things are smoothing over a little. I am getting more used to the other daily pressures, I think, and Friday may bring a huge challenge, but I am up for showing what I am made of. Aaaand outside of the life-eating occupation, I have made a little more progress in my ambitions... a good friend of mine gave me a Japanese site for musicians. I know my ability is limited, but I have had a few replies to messages. I've started my search for musicians!! ^^ I know that this year is supposed to suck, but the little things that I have working in the right direction make it worth while as they can remind me of where I can be someday, and what I am still working for. I am learning more and more that survival here has much to do with a convincing mask and some kind of lie you can believe in. I know that sounds strange, especially to those who may think of being here...but really, tate-mae is something truly functional in daily life, You smile excitedly at the students whom you hate, you act interested in people who are more boring than rocks. You accept the fact that you can act like a Nihonjin and dress like one, but will be stared at as if you came from Mars. You get used to people expressing the ultimate degree of surprise when Japanese falls from your lips instead of some unintelligible language. You act like your job is your life when you are there and pretend it is the greatest thing you could possibly be doing with yourself. You act surprised at the same questions you may get asked 500 times a day, and you show that the next time you meet someone is something you absolutely look forward to. Everything is fine. You have no stress or headaches. You have no sickness. Your mask is what they need to see. Honestly is something quite discouraged most times.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Still Sick, But...I Could have Sang....~
Today was nothing less than magical for me. Not that anything spectacular happened to me directly, but my experiences were none other than fabulous. I went to the Takarazuka Revue for the first time today to see an incredible rendition of Phantom of the Opera, Honestly, the actresses were all so good, there was not a moment of disappointment when watching. The sets were amazing, their costumes were beautiful, and their voices,....well, let's just say that the woman who played the phantom made me fall in love because her voice and acting were so good. I felt all the passion of the character, and her voice was so charismatic....I knew I would enjoy seeing a play, but I didn't expect to actually fall for it all. The fact that all people on stage are women is very confusing....those who play men exude a special kind of presence on stage, so it is easy to walk away feeling confused . In all honesty, I was swept off my feet today. I think it is dangerous that I work so close to the theater...I might get addicted.
After a relaxing afternoon of eating sandwiches, talking with my friend and losing my umbrella, we eventually ventured towards the BBQ we had intended to go to. At first I felt a little awkward and uncomfortable, but as the night progressed and I continued to drink...well, everything lightened up and I had a great time meeting and talking to new people. I actually met a few people who love music, which always makes me happy ^.^; I'm not sure what all was said since I had a bit to drink...but I know that there were many nice people to speak with. I know my dreams are still far from reach, but I still feel like with days such as this, I've made a step closer to them. Even just talking to people who love music...it's something hard for me, but something necessary. I hope I can continue onward in this direction and gain footing for the travels ahead!
I am kind of glad that I didn't have a voice to sing with today. If I did, temptation might have gotten the better of me after a few beers, and I might have done something
After a relaxing afternoon of eating sandwiches, talking with my friend and losing my umbrella, we eventually ventured towards the BBQ we had intended to go to. At first I felt a little awkward and uncomfortable, but as the night progressed and I continued to drink...well, everything lightened up and I had a great time meeting and talking to new people. I actually met a few people who love music, which always makes me happy ^.^; I'm not sure what all was said since I had a bit to drink...but I know that there were many nice people to speak with. I know my dreams are still far from reach, but I still feel like with days such as this, I've made a step closer to them. Even just talking to people who love music...it's something hard for me, but something necessary. I hope I can continue onward in this direction and gain footing for the travels ahead!
I am kind of glad that I didn't have a voice to sing with today. If I did, temptation might have gotten the better of me after a few beers, and I might have done something
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
First Time Being A Sick Alien
It's incredible to me how differently your body can act when succumbing to an immense amount of pressure that seems to build in small increments. Constantly on your shoulders, it weighs on you a little more each day. Some days, you wake with the right attitude to bear it all and still fight to do more with the day than to just make it through. Other days, you feel crushed and withered, shrunken and it's a struggle to even make the first few steps outside your door. I am sure everyone has different degrees of this to experience, but for some wonderful reason, my mind and body have decided to take the extreme versions of these. I can go from feeling like one of the most lucky people in the world and on top of things to feeling like a lowly piece of crap, burdensome to everyone around me and a waste of space, feeding off of everyone's time and energy in a matter of moments. I thought I had issues before with a bipolar lifestyle.... This is a whole new level of hell here.
My fellow foreigner coworker tries to gingerly remind me that to live here and have this job, you have to have thick skin. I keep wondering what will become of me since I know that can't be me, I can't desensitize and lose my overempathetic and compassionate and sensitive nature. I wonder sometimes if due to the great differences between how I am and what I need to be, if I'll be eaten alive or swallowed by the build-up of all these things I am learning are far from my control. I am sure there might come a point where I will just adjust to "this is just a job, a means, not an end." I don't seem to be close to getting it yet.
For now, even small things area frustrating, panic-worthy aspects of trouble in my life. For some awesome reason, I am constantly hyper-sensitive and prone to freaking out. I can't really place my finger on the exact reason why.... It could be the fact that my independence and feelings of self worth have diminished appreciably in the context of having no ability to "do it by myself," in always "needing" someone there to help me do just about everything but breathe for me. Just asking questions like what kind of facility I go to for something causes a stir. People start worrying about who has to take care of the poor little incapable pet next. So on to the current embarrassing situation.
I had the comment made to me this morning that I don't even know my ownbody. No, not really... Not right now. My whole physical condition is in a state of freaking. So in all honesty, I sincerely thought I had a sinus infection Monday. I got home from Kenji's that morning, and as soon as I laid down to rest, I discovered that my body wanted to make it apparent that I had no energy and that my skin was sore and I ached all over. I took a nap and awoke to oozing yellow mucus and an awful sinus headache... Later on, I had a kind of low-grade fever and my throat had the sensation that someone swabbed it with sandpaper. This all continued into later that evening, when I cried over the burnt toast that was intended to be my dinner and I gave up on the day and went to sleep. I awoke the next morning with a lesser feeling of the same symptoms, but because I still felt relatively weak, I thought it could ne a problem needing to be fixed before gaining a new level of seriousness. After asking around for a nearbyclinic and how to describe certain symptoms, I hadalarmed my manager enough to the point of scheduling to meet the next morning to go to a clinic... Because there is no way I could could possibly do it on my own. Here comes the shameful part... After being all worked up over going and preparing to describe how I felt, I wake up to a new day and a huge difference in my condition. In normal circumstances, one might be happy or even relieved to conclude on their own that it turned out to be a minor and sudden cold, but in my circumstance, I find it to be a burdensome joke of nature. I can't help but now feel like I not only wasted time and patience from others, but that I can't really be taken seriously. It now looks like I just flip out on all the small things, like the girl who screamed,"Dragon!" I am seriously considering telling myself to f#<¥ off for awhile and ignoring the things I imagine are happening.
Ugh, I've become such a damn headcase. The thing I hate the most of all, though, is the fact that the frustration won't go away from being an infantile alien. Everyone sees it as a duty to "take care of" you, but in acting all the time, there is no freedom or feeling of accomplishment I can get. I feel more and more worthless each time I am shown that I "couldnt possibly have done this on my own." I just feel like a weight on anyone who happens to volunteer in "assisting me." it just adds to that pressure I was mentioning. I guess this is why beer is a necessary lubricant to functioning. At least it dulls those pangs of worthlessness that you still think about at the end of the day. I just need to prove myself... To accomplish LIVING here.
My fellow foreigner coworker tries to gingerly remind me that to live here and have this job, you have to have thick skin. I keep wondering what will become of me since I know that can't be me, I can't desensitize and lose my overempathetic and compassionate and sensitive nature. I wonder sometimes if due to the great differences between how I am and what I need to be, if I'll be eaten alive or swallowed by the build-up of all these things I am learning are far from my control. I am sure there might come a point where I will just adjust to "this is just a job, a means, not an end." I don't seem to be close to getting it yet.
For now, even small things area frustrating, panic-worthy aspects of trouble in my life. For some awesome reason, I am constantly hyper-sensitive and prone to freaking out. I can't really place my finger on the exact reason why.... It could be the fact that my independence and feelings of self worth have diminished appreciably in the context of having no ability to "do it by myself," in always "needing" someone there to help me do just about everything but breathe for me. Just asking questions like what kind of facility I go to for something causes a stir. People start worrying about who has to take care of the poor little incapable pet next. So on to the current embarrassing situation.
I had the comment made to me this morning that I don't even know my ownbody. No, not really... Not right now. My whole physical condition is in a state of freaking. So in all honesty, I sincerely thought I had a sinus infection Monday. I got home from Kenji's that morning, and as soon as I laid down to rest, I discovered that my body wanted to make it apparent that I had no energy and that my skin was sore and I ached all over. I took a nap and awoke to oozing yellow mucus and an awful sinus headache... Later on, I had a kind of low-grade fever and my throat had the sensation that someone swabbed it with sandpaper. This all continued into later that evening, when I cried over the burnt toast that was intended to be my dinner and I gave up on the day and went to sleep. I awoke the next morning with a lesser feeling of the same symptoms, but because I still felt relatively weak, I thought it could ne a problem needing to be fixed before gaining a new level of seriousness. After asking around for a nearbyclinic and how to describe certain symptoms, I hadalarmed my manager enough to the point of scheduling to meet the next morning to go to a clinic... Because there is no way I could could possibly do it on my own. Here comes the shameful part... After being all worked up over going and preparing to describe how I felt, I wake up to a new day and a huge difference in my condition. In normal circumstances, one might be happy or even relieved to conclude on their own that it turned out to be a minor and sudden cold, but in my circumstance, I find it to be a burdensome joke of nature. I can't help but now feel like I not only wasted time and patience from others, but that I can't really be taken seriously. It now looks like I just flip out on all the small things, like the girl who screamed,"Dragon!" I am seriously considering telling myself to f#<¥ off for awhile and ignoring the things I imagine are happening.
Ugh, I've become such a damn headcase. The thing I hate the most of all, though, is the fact that the frustration won't go away from being an infantile alien. Everyone sees it as a duty to "take care of" you, but in acting all the time, there is no freedom or feeling of accomplishment I can get. I feel more and more worthless each time I am shown that I "couldnt possibly have done this on my own." I just feel like a weight on anyone who happens to volunteer in "assisting me." it just adds to that pressure I was mentioning. I guess this is why beer is a necessary lubricant to functioning. At least it dulls those pangs of worthlessness that you still think about at the end of the day. I just need to prove myself... To accomplish LIVING here.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
A Year Can Feel Like a Lifetime.....and Kanpai for Tomorrow~
This is mostly a rant on current things pondered. I am realizing more and more each day I must go to work that when you are forced to do something you are not passionate about, your insides come to dread the mornings more than usual, and you find it takes more effort to pull yourself out of bed than when you were an emo kid in highschool. You find that your alone time in the shower is spent soaking up a few moments of peace, then replacing those thoughts with ones of just..."running away." How easy it would be to just...disappear. I feel that sometimes, the weaker person in me has a stronger opinion and tempts me far too often with lavish ideas of hitting the road as a fugitive....like a Bonnie and Clyde scene, but without all the money robberies and western shoot-outs. My dreams have been turning to nightmares about work, and my chest tightens just considering what time I need to leave for the day. It is getting harder and harder for me to stay, and even harder to be genki with a smile all the time.
I'm not saying it is absolute Hell, but being so far from Kenji and my dog all the time...well, I am still lucky, but I can't help but want more. I can't help but feel how I do, and I can't help who I am. I think that is the biggest problem I am having right now, is not being really accepted, and also not being good at what I do, despite my efforts. Every weekend gets harder to leave behind. I get more and more depressed every time I see Kenji leave to go back to where I need to be. I have had uncontrollable waves of despair thinking of how long it will be until my little "family" is together again. A year can feel like a lifetime when you're doing something you just don't feel passionate about doing. I know where I'm going...it's just difficult to wait that long.
I think one of the reasons I feel so stressed and misearable as of late is that my other foreign co-worker is always on edge, tense, angry, and short tempered. I know he tries to teach me what he can when he has to, but I can never ever relax around him. I feel terrible still that I am the poor replacement for someone who was his friend, and I am a little more than disappointing to be around, but I also feel less than obligated to befriend someone with such a huge stick up their ass. I know he has a lot on his plate and that everyone does a crapload more than me at my school right now, but I also didn't ask to be a problem child or to come into this without knowing half of what is required of me. I can't apologize for something that's not my fault. I can't help but be a nuisance for awhile longer...I hate myself here, but there's nothing I can do but trudge forward to the next step.
Well, other than meditating, there is something else keeping me going. In the mornings on the train, gazing past the old people staring at me and out the window at the mountains, I remind myself that it is the successful people in life that ask, "how can I get there," instead of "why not me," when thinking about what they want. I've done it before. I've gotten to Japan and past college and through other difficult things in life by asking and answering that important question. The things I see for my "tomorrow" are both difficult and far, but I need to think more of how and not why. I want to/need to move...I need another way of living...I need to re-start. Before I can do this, I must plan HOW and also when...but for now, with 10 more months of waiting, it's a spinning heartache.
And them comes the second part to this. As mentioned before, sometimes alcohol seems to be the only answer at the end of the day. I'm not saying I get drunk off my ass, but I do need a drink here or there to take the edge off of what I went through for the day. I'll just call it meditation juice..haha. Well, there is another need...when I'm with Kenji Saturday night or Sunday, we have something to drink. There's always a toast..."kanpai..." and what always goes through my mind is "for tomorrow...." We have to work so hard for tomorrow...but it will be better then. Tomorrow is the dream I'm working towards. I wish I could lie and tell people that yeah, I'm living my dream. But the truth is, I'm not there yet...I'm not even close. I haven't really started. I'm trying, but...well, the question is WHEN, not why won't I... ^.^
I'm not saying it is absolute Hell, but being so far from Kenji and my dog all the time...well, I am still lucky, but I can't help but want more. I can't help but feel how I do, and I can't help who I am. I think that is the biggest problem I am having right now, is not being really accepted, and also not being good at what I do, despite my efforts. Every weekend gets harder to leave behind. I get more and more depressed every time I see Kenji leave to go back to where I need to be. I have had uncontrollable waves of despair thinking of how long it will be until my little "family" is together again. A year can feel like a lifetime when you're doing something you just don't feel passionate about doing. I know where I'm going...it's just difficult to wait that long.
I think one of the reasons I feel so stressed and misearable as of late is that my other foreign co-worker is always on edge, tense, angry, and short tempered. I know he tries to teach me what he can when he has to, but I can never ever relax around him. I feel terrible still that I am the poor replacement for someone who was his friend, and I am a little more than disappointing to be around, but I also feel less than obligated to befriend someone with such a huge stick up their ass. I know he has a lot on his plate and that everyone does a crapload more than me at my school right now, but I also didn't ask to be a problem child or to come into this without knowing half of what is required of me. I can't apologize for something that's not my fault. I can't help but be a nuisance for awhile longer...I hate myself here, but there's nothing I can do but trudge forward to the next step.
Well, other than meditating, there is something else keeping me going. In the mornings on the train, gazing past the old people staring at me and out the window at the mountains, I remind myself that it is the successful people in life that ask, "how can I get there," instead of "why not me," when thinking about what they want. I've done it before. I've gotten to Japan and past college and through other difficult things in life by asking and answering that important question. The things I see for my "tomorrow" are both difficult and far, but I need to think more of how and not why. I want to/need to move...I need another way of living...I need to re-start. Before I can do this, I must plan HOW and also when...but for now, with 10 more months of waiting, it's a spinning heartache.
And them comes the second part to this. As mentioned before, sometimes alcohol seems to be the only answer at the end of the day. I'm not saying I get drunk off my ass, but I do need a drink here or there to take the edge off of what I went through for the day. I'll just call it meditation juice..haha. Well, there is another need...when I'm with Kenji Saturday night or Sunday, we have something to drink. There's always a toast..."kanpai..." and what always goes through my mind is "for tomorrow...." We have to work so hard for tomorrow...but it will be better then. Tomorrow is the dream I'm working towards. I wish I could lie and tell people that yeah, I'm living my dream. But the truth is, I'm not there yet...I'm not even close. I haven't really started. I'm trying, but...well, the question is WHEN, not why won't I... ^.^
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Lonely Adventures in Heaven...
So I finally did it. I kept my 2-month long promise to myself and finally fulfilled a need for finding VK places. As I stepped off the train at Shinsaibashi, my heart beat slowed as thoughts raced through my head, "what if I meet someone really cool?! will I be able to talk to them? will they like me? what if they dont like my bands?!" I searched frantically on my phone for confirmation from a map where I was going to head. I stepped out into the daylight, the sky clearing of clouds and the sun shining...Yes! This is it, I thought. Well, I managed to go to アメリカ村, and then I managed to stray...but in a pause, I turned around, "Where is...Bic Step?!" It was there in front of me- I could hardly breathe! I cautiously approached the mall map to see if the store I wanted was still there....FLOOR 3!!!! I raced up the escalator, startling a group of businessmen, and came to a dead stop in front of Zealink. SO. BEAUTIFUL....it was really there, plastered in pictures of bands with all of their glorious make-up and costumes... As I eneterd, I saw posters of top-rated bands and signed paraphenalia. I stepped into the music section to see a signing table, announcements of performance dates, and hundreds of cds and magazines...Jrock blasting from a t.v....band costumes set out to be armired...tickets, new releases....my head was spinning, I didn't know what to do! I took a moment to look around and realized that it was lkie a ghost town...nobody was to be seen. Nobody was there to talk to. I suddenlt felt a little sad, seeing that I couldn't divulge in my curiosities or even attempt to make a friend. I scoured the shelves nervously to see if I could buy something...anything...and I wandered to the magazines- perfect! X Japan AND MERRY AND some other bands! I slowly approached the counter and paid for my purchase, then at the last moment, asked in terrible Japanese where other visual kei places where. The cashier obligingly told me about Big Cat (concert venue) upstairs and also that Pure Sound was across the street. I thanked her and rushed off to the next adventure...
I couldnt seem to find this other store, though! And wandering up and down the street, I caught a glimpse of two lolitas. I decided to follow them, and to my advantage, they were going to the same place! I was boarding the elevator, when one of the obese lolitas closed the elevator on my arm. "Ite-te-..." I shrunk back in surprise. "Gomennasai," she said flatly. "D-daijoubu," I replied, embarrassed. I felt like a clumsy idiot. Great impression I was making...
The elevator door opened to reveal a paradise of used VK stuff, blasting tv screens, and loli/vk clothing...the cashier looked really awesome, too! My heart beat faster as I left the hallway and stepped into the larger room. SO.MUCH.AWESOMENESS!!!! I wandered the store, starry-eyed, gazing at X Japan and Hide and Dir En Grey and Merry And Rentrer....and MUCC...and all the awesome clothing. I turned to look around me, and nobody but the lolita-puffs was in the store. T_T ghost town #2....nobody to talk to...I began to feel really lonely in my discoveries. Ha-i! I just need to come back later, on a busy day! Next time, it will be a Sunday or Saturday night, I think! I was tempted to go to the rock bar to see if I had one last chance to find people to talk to...but to my dismay, I would have to wait until 7 for it to open. I found myself to be exhausted, and decided to retire for the time being.
I sat on the train, content, despite the stares. I can't help it if VK makes me more sexy! =D I thought of all the possibilities...seeing a LIVE sometime soon a Big Cat! Meeting people at the stores or rock bar! I started to look more on the good things to come...yes, I had made a step towards what I came for. Small as it may be, it was still progress.
In other news of progress, I have decided to not be conquered by the most aggravating and stressful class I have at the moment. These 6 year olds shall not see my defeat. If anything, I will send them home asking themselves why they persist to give me a hard time. If anything, I will show them the power of psycho manipulation...if I have to! But in the heat of building stress and anxiety, I prepped for their class today and resigned myself to discard any negativity that was causing my dis-ease. I sat quietly and meditated, shedding all doubts within myself and any feelings of wanting to crack. I am not great at meditation, nor do I claim to be a good Buddhist right now, but...miraculously, I was able to concentrate in a way that was essential to accomplish what I did. A few moments passed and I opened my eyes to a completely different feeling. My chest no longer hurt, I didn't have any pangs of worry or anxious thoughts running in my mind. I honestly was amazed at myself to be able to refresh my mind so quickly...but it in fact worked a miracle into the lesson and how the kids acted and felt. I feel it may be a sign that regular meditation is in order for living here, doing what I do. It seems to be the adhesion that fixes the perforated pieces in my life right now. I know many people would ask why I hsve a reason to complain, I am "living my dream," but the truth is, I'm not there yet. I am on the threshhold, the bottom of the staircase, gazing up. And in my position, I feel an evergrowing pressure..pressure to move forward, to keep going, to climb higher, to always do more and more than what my best used to be. If life is about what you can handle, I am expereincing a lot of life right now. My issues, minor as they may be, are stacked high, and so the middle path really does have an answer for getting past these things, instead of trying to climb over them.
I couldnt seem to find this other store, though! And wandering up and down the street, I caught a glimpse of two lolitas. I decided to follow them, and to my advantage, they were going to the same place! I was boarding the elevator, when one of the obese lolitas closed the elevator on my arm. "Ite-te-..." I shrunk back in surprise. "Gomennasai," she said flatly. "D-daijoubu," I replied, embarrassed. I felt like a clumsy idiot. Great impression I was making...
The elevator door opened to reveal a paradise of used VK stuff, blasting tv screens, and loli/vk clothing...the cashier looked really awesome, too! My heart beat faster as I left the hallway and stepped into the larger room. SO.MUCH.AWESOMENESS!!!! I wandered the store, starry-eyed, gazing at X Japan and Hide and Dir En Grey and Merry And Rentrer....and MUCC...and all the awesome clothing. I turned to look around me, and nobody but the lolita-puffs was in the store. T_T ghost town #2....nobody to talk to...I began to feel really lonely in my discoveries. Ha-i! I just need to come back later, on a busy day! Next time, it will be a Sunday or Saturday night, I think! I was tempted to go to the rock bar to see if I had one last chance to find people to talk to...but to my dismay, I would have to wait until 7 for it to open. I found myself to be exhausted, and decided to retire for the time being.
I sat on the train, content, despite the stares. I can't help it if VK makes me more sexy! =D I thought of all the possibilities...seeing a LIVE sometime soon a Big Cat! Meeting people at the stores or rock bar! I started to look more on the good things to come...yes, I had made a step towards what I came for. Small as it may be, it was still progress.
In other news of progress, I have decided to not be conquered by the most aggravating and stressful class I have at the moment. These 6 year olds shall not see my defeat. If anything, I will send them home asking themselves why they persist to give me a hard time. If anything, I will show them the power of psycho manipulation...if I have to! But in the heat of building stress and anxiety, I prepped for their class today and resigned myself to discard any negativity that was causing my dis-ease. I sat quietly and meditated, shedding all doubts within myself and any feelings of wanting to crack. I am not great at meditation, nor do I claim to be a good Buddhist right now, but...miraculously, I was able to concentrate in a way that was essential to accomplish what I did. A few moments passed and I opened my eyes to a completely different feeling. My chest no longer hurt, I didn't have any pangs of worry or anxious thoughts running in my mind. I honestly was amazed at myself to be able to refresh my mind so quickly...but it in fact worked a miracle into the lesson and how the kids acted and felt. I feel it may be a sign that regular meditation is in order for living here, doing what I do. It seems to be the adhesion that fixes the perforated pieces in my life right now. I know many people would ask why I hsve a reason to complain, I am "living my dream," but the truth is, I'm not there yet. I am on the threshhold, the bottom of the staircase, gazing up. And in my position, I feel an evergrowing pressure..pressure to move forward, to keep going, to climb higher, to always do more and more than what my best used to be. If life is about what you can handle, I am expereincing a lot of life right now. My issues, minor as they may be, are stacked high, and so the middle path really does have an answer for getting past these things, instead of trying to climb over them.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Great Expectations and Falling Hopes
I have so many things running through my head, it is hard to keep track of how I really feel. Overwhelmed doesn't even start to explain a portion.... I suppose I can start with this morning.
As usual, I arrived early . I sat on one of the available seats in the hall near the large screen that shows the dramatic plays of the nearby theater. I sat and glanced from the screen of my phone to the t.v., and back again, frustrated at my lack of progress in finding VK hang-outs thus far. My heart hurt a little more when I looked up to see the "mother and son" couple sitting next to me and watching the screen intently. The old woman moved closer to the screen, her fingers clutching her purse. I knew exactly how she felt. I know the longing and almost desperate feeling, the quickened heartbeat and fluttering breath, where you lose control just a little because how you feel is so powerful...あふれだす。。。I had a taste of that yesterday when I was making my way home and fell behind two VK fans. My heart dropped and I felt the excitement rise toward the surface, but I couldn't say or do anything....in a way, it made me more upset. I know what I want is here, I know those people I want to meet are out there... but seeing the old woman so attatched to watching what she loved...it reminded me of something I have been told recently. "Japan has many small cultures. You either love "it" or don't. Some of these cultures seem obscure from the outside, so finding them can be difficult." I know what I want and I can recognize the people who could be like me in some way or another...but finding a place to thrive...well, as of now, it is invisible.
I am finding that each passing week, I want to crumble inside more and more, the longer I have to wait to find this one thing. Today by far was NO exception. I feel pressure and growing stress every week. I have a constant feeling I am letting someone down or causing problems somewhere. I mean well, but I don't do well enough. I must start doing interviews with potential students. Not only do I have to make sure these people have fun and enjoy the 10 minutes they spend with me, but I must judg their level and recommend a class by keeeping track of mistakes and how well they respond to questions. I feel a growing pressure building in my head because the only one there able to help me is far too busy...the brief moments he can help, he usually has to "remind me" of how burdensome it is for him to be doing it, and that I need to help everyone out by doing things a whole lot better than how I am doing them. Memorize the books. Memorize the interview sheets. Memorize explanations and questions. This is how we make money, how we keep our jobs......so on top of trying to sell more material to current students and negotiate and convince them that it would be so very helpful for them to spend hundreds more dollars on material, I now have to be confident in selling actual classes.
I know my largest downfall is my lack of confidence, but when I know I am not good at something, it is hard for me to pretend. I think the thing I hate the most about my job right now is that I can't seem to be good enough to do everything I need to do and be able to impress people. Instead. I have people worried or concerned. I hate myself like this.
It seems funny to me now to look back on what I used to think was complicated and hectic in life and see that compared to now, it is simple and almost nostalgic to me. I would like to have fun with "seeing if I can get someone to like me in 10 minutes," but when I feel like none of my current students really like me to begin with, how can I expect someone new to fall into my hands and literally fork over thousands of dollars? I know this is all one huge mind game, and I am supposed to be manipulative in a way...after all, we are running a thousand-dollar day care for people who happen to have an expensive hobby.
As usual, I arrived early . I sat on one of the available seats in the hall near the large screen that shows the dramatic plays of the nearby theater. I sat and glanced from the screen of my phone to the t.v., and back again, frustrated at my lack of progress in finding VK hang-outs thus far. My heart hurt a little more when I looked up to see the "mother and son" couple sitting next to me and watching the screen intently. The old woman moved closer to the screen, her fingers clutching her purse. I knew exactly how she felt. I know the longing and almost desperate feeling, the quickened heartbeat and fluttering breath, where you lose control just a little because how you feel is so powerful...あふれだす。。。I had a taste of that yesterday when I was making my way home and fell behind two VK fans. My heart dropped and I felt the excitement rise toward the surface, but I couldn't say or do anything....in a way, it made me more upset. I know what I want is here, I know those people I want to meet are out there... but seeing the old woman so attatched to watching what she loved...it reminded me of something I have been told recently. "Japan has many small cultures. You either love "it" or don't. Some of these cultures seem obscure from the outside, so finding them can be difficult." I know what I want and I can recognize the people who could be like me in some way or another...but finding a place to thrive...well, as of now, it is invisible.
I am finding that each passing week, I want to crumble inside more and more, the longer I have to wait to find this one thing. Today by far was NO exception. I feel pressure and growing stress every week. I have a constant feeling I am letting someone down or causing problems somewhere. I mean well, but I don't do well enough. I must start doing interviews with potential students. Not only do I have to make sure these people have fun and enjoy the 10 minutes they spend with me, but I must judg their level and recommend a class by keeeping track of mistakes and how well they respond to questions. I feel a growing pressure building in my head because the only one there able to help me is far too busy...the brief moments he can help, he usually has to "remind me" of how burdensome it is for him to be doing it, and that I need to help everyone out by doing things a whole lot better than how I am doing them. Memorize the books. Memorize the interview sheets. Memorize explanations and questions. This is how we make money, how we keep our jobs......so on top of trying to sell more material to current students and negotiate and convince them that it would be so very helpful for them to spend hundreds more dollars on material, I now have to be confident in selling actual classes.
I know my largest downfall is my lack of confidence, but when I know I am not good at something, it is hard for me to pretend. I think the thing I hate the most about my job right now is that I can't seem to be good enough to do everything I need to do and be able to impress people. Instead. I have people worried or concerned. I hate myself like this.
It seems funny to me now to look back on what I used to think was complicated and hectic in life and see that compared to now, it is simple and almost nostalgic to me. I would like to have fun with "seeing if I can get someone to like me in 10 minutes," but when I feel like none of my current students really like me to begin with, how can I expect someone new to fall into my hands and literally fork over thousands of dollars? I know this is all one huge mind game, and I am supposed to be manipulative in a way...after all, we are running a thousand-dollar day care for people who happen to have an expensive hobby.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
The Engrish Filter And Other Adventures...
Today proved itself to be one of the most random and amusing days I have had (at least in the context of work days). It started as usual- I woke up at 6:30-something AM for no good reason and rolled back over to have some more bizzare dreams about meeting strange Japanese people and going on mini adventures that could possibly happen someday....my alarm went off with an exciting intro song, I scrolled through my phone for updates as I brushed sleep from my eyes, and slowly sat up to begin my day.
Today, I had a tight schedule- finish lesson plans for the week's kids classes, then head out to get my long-awaited gaijin card. Yes, a card to tell everyone that I am a foreigner...not just that, but to identify where I live and why I am here. A passport is not nearly good enough for anyone here. You must have THE gaijin card to prove you are YOU and the government agrees. So now, with my card, I may be able to get my mail and do other unbelievable things...Well, I have to say that as time goes on, I notice more and more of a correlating pattern. I send out my information in all carefully written correct English, and it comes back to me processed in one form or another (water, electricity, gas bill, etc), but with fantastic modifications. For example, the gas company thinks I am Lauren Dotsom. And according to my new gaijin card, I am from South Carolira. Amazing how one could mistake these things.
After my musing over this, I decided to grab a small lunch - a fruit sandwich (yes, fruit!) and walk to Hana no Michi outside of where I work. The weather was very nice- not too hot with a constant breeze, perfect for soaking up what little sunlight I would see. As I sat and ate and watched, I began to relax more and drift in and out of reality...People passing...dogs being walked...children chatting....
An old man took an extra long time to look me over, more than the usual curious stare or double-take. He slowed his pace and halted a few feet from me. "Ganbatte" (good luck/do your best!) He said and shot me a thumbs-up. "H-hai. Arigatou," I nodded in appreciation, thinking that was it of the random encounter. He inched closer to me at increasing speed, until he was right in front of me. "Ganbatteru ne! Aa...eigo sensei deshou ka?" (you're working hard, right? Oh, you must be an English teacher) "Hai, sou desu."(Yes, that's right.) "Doko kara kimashita? Chicago ni ita koto ga aru...." He began to spill a flood of words into my ears, which had been previously occupied only by rock music. " Aa, Amerika no Georgia-shu kara kimashita.."(I came from Georgia)..I tried hard to be polite and keep up with his babbling conversation. He then proceeded to grab my hand and shake it vigorously. I was thrown off completely at this point. His conversation drifted more, telling me places nearby where I should eat, things I should do, and suddenly, he was rubbing the back of my hand with his thumbs as if to smoothe out future wrinkles. I started to feel increasingly alarmed as his face would near mine to exclaim other non-sensical suggestions in the ear that had an earphone playing music, despite my one-removed earpiece. I watched his face contort in laughter and elation bounce from his eyes to his lips as he spoke faster and faster, rubbing my hand harder. "Ganbatteru," he would repeat every now and then. With another change of motion, he siezed my headphones and asked what I has listening to. I quickly responded "rock," and he replied that he liked jazz piano..for some reason, he still insisted on listening to what my ipod had to offer at that time, so I sat baffled, my hand still encapsulated in one of his, and my headphones held captive in his ears. I could feel embarrassment stain my face, and my ears burned from the growing awkwardness of the situation. I didn't know what to do at all, really. He handed back my headphones and gave my hand one last shake and repeated his stupidifying words of encouragement. We both looked up to see 5 or 6 people staring, as blatantly confused and uncomfortable as I was. I felt really, really strange. At that point, I didn't know whether to take the happening as a brave new sign of encouragement and to be inspired by it, or instead, to indulge in being really creeped out. I know I will be that crazy someday. I am sure he meant well, but was overzealous in his excitement. I cannot, however, figure out how to really digest all of what happened.
From there, I stumbled off to work in a daze, luckily early enough to give myself time to regain composure before working away at lesson plans and activities. I am sure more of these things may occure, and I welcome the strange to invite itself...the challenge is, however, deciphering what to do afterwards...~
Today, I had a tight schedule- finish lesson plans for the week's kids classes, then head out to get my long-awaited gaijin card. Yes, a card to tell everyone that I am a foreigner...not just that, but to identify where I live and why I am here. A passport is not nearly good enough for anyone here. You must have THE gaijin card to prove you are YOU and the government agrees. So now, with my card, I may be able to get my mail and do other unbelievable things...Well, I have to say that as time goes on, I notice more and more of a correlating pattern. I send out my information in all carefully written correct English, and it comes back to me processed in one form or another (water, electricity, gas bill, etc), but with fantastic modifications. For example, the gas company thinks I am Lauren Dotsom. And according to my new gaijin card, I am from South Carolira. Amazing how one could mistake these things.
After my musing over this, I decided to grab a small lunch - a fruit sandwich (yes, fruit!) and walk to Hana no Michi outside of where I work. The weather was very nice- not too hot with a constant breeze, perfect for soaking up what little sunlight I would see. As I sat and ate and watched, I began to relax more and drift in and out of reality...People passing...dogs being walked...children chatting....
An old man took an extra long time to look me over, more than the usual curious stare or double-take. He slowed his pace and halted a few feet from me. "Ganbatte" (good luck/do your best!) He said and shot me a thumbs-up. "H-hai. Arigatou," I nodded in appreciation, thinking that was it of the random encounter. He inched closer to me at increasing speed, until he was right in front of me. "Ganbatteru ne! Aa...eigo sensei deshou ka?" (you're working hard, right? Oh, you must be an English teacher) "Hai, sou desu."(Yes, that's right.) "Doko kara kimashita? Chicago ni ita koto ga aru...." He began to spill a flood of words into my ears, which had been previously occupied only by rock music. " Aa, Amerika no Georgia-shu kara kimashita.."(I came from Georgia)..I tried hard to be polite and keep up with his babbling conversation. He then proceeded to grab my hand and shake it vigorously. I was thrown off completely at this point. His conversation drifted more, telling me places nearby where I should eat, things I should do, and suddenly, he was rubbing the back of my hand with his thumbs as if to smoothe out future wrinkles. I started to feel increasingly alarmed as his face would near mine to exclaim other non-sensical suggestions in the ear that had an earphone playing music, despite my one-removed earpiece. I watched his face contort in laughter and elation bounce from his eyes to his lips as he spoke faster and faster, rubbing my hand harder. "Ganbatteru," he would repeat every now and then. With another change of motion, he siezed my headphones and asked what I has listening to. I quickly responded "rock," and he replied that he liked jazz piano..for some reason, he still insisted on listening to what my ipod had to offer at that time, so I sat baffled, my hand still encapsulated in one of his, and my headphones held captive in his ears. I could feel embarrassment stain my face, and my ears burned from the growing awkwardness of the situation. I didn't know what to do at all, really. He handed back my headphones and gave my hand one last shake and repeated his stupidifying words of encouragement. We both looked up to see 5 or 6 people staring, as blatantly confused and uncomfortable as I was. I felt really, really strange. At that point, I didn't know whether to take the happening as a brave new sign of encouragement and to be inspired by it, or instead, to indulge in being really creeped out. I know I will be that crazy someday. I am sure he meant well, but was overzealous in his excitement. I cannot, however, figure out how to really digest all of what happened.
From there, I stumbled off to work in a daze, luckily early enough to give myself time to regain composure before working away at lesson plans and activities. I am sure more of these things may occure, and I welcome the strange to invite itself...the challenge is, however, deciphering what to do afterwards...~
Monday, May 16, 2011
And Today I Accomplished...
One thing that hasn't ceased to bother me since my arrival is my lack of ability to really do anything in realtion to why I came. Today demonstrated nothing less of the usual- waking up, trying to convince myself today would be different, and getting out of bed was really going to be just the start of something wonderful. I've even changed my alarm to "Tank!" to feel an extra excitement the moment I sit up in bed. I almost feel desperate again, desperate to fill the growing void that eats away at me inside. I can't really explain to anyone why it's there, it just is...it exists partly out of depression, partly out of my own disappointment with myself. There is a pang in my chest every day I don't do something in favor of what I have promised myself. Today, while "fun," was a failure. I had planned almost all week to do something today, and I never even got close to it. I am not sure what to blame it on...should I have just spent the day alone and found the place I wanted to go so badly on my own?
So far, I am still a fat, ugly foreigner. Uniteresting and sore to look upon, I have no friends, no locals or co-workers or students who really hold any interest in my life whatsoever. There are days when I feel like if I were to drop dead on the way to the train station, it may take days for anyone to notice. I am a mere obstruction and a filler. At this point, I am a step up from useless. Unless I can start doing something with myself, I will never be anything more than this. Nothing more than a grotesque addition to an attempted assimilated subversion of Japan and the way of life here.
I learned something today in my sad, drinken stupor at dinner with my fellow foreign friends. I learned that despite who you might want in your life, there are only certain things you can ask help with. There are certain things that you have to do on your own and not look back at. I am learning that in order to become more of who I want to be, I must start start doing a whole lot more on my own and stop thinking that anyone is going to want to or even be able to do something. It feels lonely most days, thinking that the only thing I have really done is ride a train to and from work, perform in antics in front of a class, stayed long past when I should have been able to leave to go home, and skipped another would-have-been dinner because it's too late and I am too tired, and tomorrow comes too soon.
I am becoming more and more frustrated with myself and the lack of life I have. Things have to change, and I need to make them happen. I need to stop looking to those around me for support, I just need to take the fall and grab what I can.
So far, I am still a fat, ugly foreigner. Uniteresting and sore to look upon, I have no friends, no locals or co-workers or students who really hold any interest in my life whatsoever. There are days when I feel like if I were to drop dead on the way to the train station, it may take days for anyone to notice. I am a mere obstruction and a filler. At this point, I am a step up from useless. Unless I can start doing something with myself, I will never be anything more than this. Nothing more than a grotesque addition to an attempted assimilated subversion of Japan and the way of life here.
I learned something today in my sad, drinken stupor at dinner with my fellow foreign friends. I learned that despite who you might want in your life, there are only certain things you can ask help with. There are certain things that you have to do on your own and not look back at. I am learning that in order to become more of who I want to be, I must start start doing a whole lot more on my own and stop thinking that anyone is going to want to or even be able to do something. It feels lonely most days, thinking that the only thing I have really done is ride a train to and from work, perform in antics in front of a class, stayed long past when I should have been able to leave to go home, and skipped another would-have-been dinner because it's too late and I am too tired, and tomorrow comes too soon.
I am becoming more and more frustrated with myself and the lack of life I have. Things have to change, and I need to make them happen. I need to stop looking to those around me for support, I just need to take the fall and grab what I can.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Is it me, or is BEER the solution?
Every week, I come closer and closer to understanding why Japan uses alcohol so much in almost any situation. With my job, we are forbidden to talk about drugs of any kind....drugs excluding alcohol. Apparently, beer and other intoxicating beverages are not considered to be one of drug nature, but rather, a common social subject. I am starting to think this is because beer is practically the lubricant of survival here. After work, you need a beer. Not just want, you need one. I feel myself headed for some kind of mental break at times, and then i am reminded of the beer waiting for me. It seems to present some small fragment of release when everything else during that day seems to bind you so tightly, you can hardly breathe.
I am really not finding any relief from pressure. In fact, I'd say that it grows almost every day I go to work. I try. Hard. I work very hard...in fact, today I was the first to arrive and the last to leave...if I had been able to go inside my company at the time of my initial arrival, I would have worked well over 13 hours today. What I find the most disturbing is not the fact that I work so much, I think I have always been this kind of person....but the fact that I have started to be near a panic attack before work with all the stress I feel. It takes great effort to meditate and try to rid myself of how I feel and start each day new, but... it shouldn't even be this way. I love working, but I also love to live. Something feels wrong, and I am not sure what to do, other than try harder to find the "middle path" and to survive one day at a time. I know this won't be my end, but it is definitely a semi unsuccessful beginning. I feel pressure from all sides- from those I work with, from those I work for, from those I work in front of, and from those I left to start anew. I feel like I am failing the promises and expectations made, and it really is a crushing feeling to carry every day. I can't look in the mirror now, because all I'll see is the disappointment I have with myself.
For the first time today, i truly recognized myself in a student. She sat tense and completely unsure of herself. As she spoke to me, her hands shook from nerves, and her fear of doing wrong was almost disabling. I watched as hesitation and anxiety danced across her contorting face, the words dropping from her lips with heavy uncertainty. I couldn't believe what I saw- the exact way I have felt today, embodied by a person I can barely communicate with.
The training head office has me second-guessing myself so much that I have no idea what is right anymore...and thus my growing anxiety. I am getting more and more tired of all the pressure I feel almost every day. I have recently gotten the feeling that as soon as I start to gain more confidence and feel more comfortable, something has to change and make me freak out inside all over again.
The challenge I see developing from living like this is deciding where to go if things do not change, and how to find the correct path. For now, it is a battle of frustration and day-to-day survival. This is a test...and right now, I am not sure of the outcome. Uncertainty...it diminishes one's true character, I think.
I am really not finding any relief from pressure. In fact, I'd say that it grows almost every day I go to work. I try. Hard. I work very hard...in fact, today I was the first to arrive and the last to leave...if I had been able to go inside my company at the time of my initial arrival, I would have worked well over 13 hours today. What I find the most disturbing is not the fact that I work so much, I think I have always been this kind of person....but the fact that I have started to be near a panic attack before work with all the stress I feel. It takes great effort to meditate and try to rid myself of how I feel and start each day new, but... it shouldn't even be this way. I love working, but I also love to live. Something feels wrong, and I am not sure what to do, other than try harder to find the "middle path" and to survive one day at a time. I know this won't be my end, but it is definitely a semi unsuccessful beginning. I feel pressure from all sides- from those I work with, from those I work for, from those I work in front of, and from those I left to start anew. I feel like I am failing the promises and expectations made, and it really is a crushing feeling to carry every day. I can't look in the mirror now, because all I'll see is the disappointment I have with myself.
For the first time today, i truly recognized myself in a student. She sat tense and completely unsure of herself. As she spoke to me, her hands shook from nerves, and her fear of doing wrong was almost disabling. I watched as hesitation and anxiety danced across her contorting face, the words dropping from her lips with heavy uncertainty. I couldn't believe what I saw- the exact way I have felt today, embodied by a person I can barely communicate with.
The training head office has me second-guessing myself so much that I have no idea what is right anymore...and thus my growing anxiety. I am getting more and more tired of all the pressure I feel almost every day. I have recently gotten the feeling that as soon as I start to gain more confidence and feel more comfortable, something has to change and make me freak out inside all over again.
The challenge I see developing from living like this is deciding where to go if things do not change, and how to find the correct path. For now, it is a battle of frustration and day-to-day survival. This is a test...and right now, I am not sure of the outcome. Uncertainty...it diminishes one's true character, I think.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Life Just Beginning...
Golden Week has come and gone: it came with a rush of great relief for me, but left with much to lament. I've just now started to discover things about my area and gather more of what is necessary for me to live. I took an investment in buying things like shelves, and even a "closet" to make my little box of an apartment inhabitable. I'm slowly starting to feel a little more at ease with how my life is turning out. I was, until I got a surprise phone call from the training center...a call to tell me I will be watched *again* by a trainer, but this time, one that makes me extra nervous. About two weeks ago, a trainer visited my school to help me with issues I had with kids' lessons...now it is something to do with adult lessons. *sigh* I know this is a good thing, especially since I have had to fend for myself with no head teacher, like other schools, but...well, there is something damaging that happens to my confidence every time I am told I will be "visited" again. I've been told it is because I have no one there to guide me, and that it is also normal for someone to "visit" everyone now and then...but I can't help but feel a little more insecure now.
Well, on to the things I am HAPPY about! On my own accord, I ventured past my little apartment to the other side of the highway. I found a 100 Yen shop and it made me happy. When Kenji visited, though, we traveled even further to discover a Daiei, a fantastic life-saving store ( where I got my new stuff during GW) that is a department store much like Walmart...it has food, furniture, clothes...it is great to have! And after that, we found a good little Okonomiyaki place and a 2nd hand store (thrift stores = AWESOME!!) aaaaand, something I am really excited about- kaiten sushi!!! I think those are about the only things about Mondoyakujin that make me happy to be here, since the stations below and above me seem so much....better. In Nishinomiya Kitaguchi, we have a HUGE mall...I mean, it's 5 stories high ^.^ and in the surrounding area, more department stores and restaurants. It's actually not to bad walking from where I live to that area..about a 25-30 minute walk, but lots to see....then we have my recent discovery. Last night, I had the biggest craving for curry- Indian curry. Ever since I visited a friend in Nanba and had some extra awesome Indian food, I've wanted more. To my surprise, my handy little iphone pointed to one in Kotoen (one station away) upon which Kenji and i agreed to go. Great choice on my part! Not only was the food great, there is a whole "Little Asia" area surrounding this restaurant with the possible types of food I've been seeking! Vietnamese...Korean...Chinese...I will have to be a food tourist for awhile to see if it's all as wonderful as I am hoping. On the way to this place, though, I discovered something that made my heart skip a beat....a LIVE HOUSE!!! right next to a music studio! I am trying not to get my hopes up too high until I can see what kinds of bands play there, but...maybe...maybe I have a chance. Maybe there *is* a possibility that I can make the kinds of friends I came here to make, to find the kinds of people I need to look for, or to make a connection with something that will take me in the direction I want to go. I will hold my breath until this need is satiated. If not this one, then another..but at least I found one.
As time passes, I keep wondering exactly how selfish I am being. I feel like I have required tons of help, even in simple things...like finding a damn trash bag, or learning how to sort trash. Life is still aggravating in some areas, but the fact that I have someone there to help almost always...well, it makes me feel kind of remorseful. When is the last time I've been able to help someone this much? I hate that I can't do much on my own. I really am a kid again. The other thing is, I am way too emotional about being apart from my dog. I can't really even talk about it. I can't think about him much, either, or I begin to lose composure. It's crazy how weak you feel when you miss someone that much. I had to go through it when I was away from Kenji, but this is a little different. My dog was there. He kept me busy. He occupied my time and had a way of really calming my depression most of the time. I think it is different now because he really was like my kid. I had to get up early to feed him so he would be happy in starting the day, he would distract me from feeling bad by forcing me to play with him...he even gave hugs if I needed them. I know, this sounds ridiculous-- he's a dog...but he's not just that, he's also a member of my new beginning of a family. Now that two members are here, we need our missing piece. Benji rounded out everything and made it even more of a balance. Doing things together to see him excited and happy...like hiking and going to the park, it became a partial routine we never seemed to take for granted.
Enough about that, though. I am sure that I'll be able to have him here by sometime next year. I'll just have to focus on that as well as getting my head on straight and figure out what I am really doing here. Sometimes it is hard to see a path to your deliberate purpose for something once you've gotten to a certain point. I know I need to give myself a little more time to settle and get the feel of how it's going to be here. In a sense, I really am going through trials that may lead to be better enlightenment. I just need to find more grace with how I deal with them.
Well, on to the things I am HAPPY about! On my own accord, I ventured past my little apartment to the other side of the highway. I found a 100 Yen shop and it made me happy. When Kenji visited, though, we traveled even further to discover a Daiei, a fantastic life-saving store ( where I got my new stuff during GW) that is a department store much like Walmart...it has food, furniture, clothes...it is great to have! And after that, we found a good little Okonomiyaki place and a 2nd hand store (thrift stores = AWESOME!!) aaaaand, something I am really excited about- kaiten sushi!!! I think those are about the only things about Mondoyakujin that make me happy to be here, since the stations below and above me seem so much....better. In Nishinomiya Kitaguchi, we have a HUGE mall...I mean, it's 5 stories high ^.^ and in the surrounding area, more department stores and restaurants. It's actually not to bad walking from where I live to that area..about a 25-30 minute walk, but lots to see....then we have my recent discovery. Last night, I had the biggest craving for curry- Indian curry. Ever since I visited a friend in Nanba and had some extra awesome Indian food, I've wanted more. To my surprise, my handy little iphone pointed to one in Kotoen (one station away) upon which Kenji and i agreed to go. Great choice on my part! Not only was the food great, there is a whole "Little Asia" area surrounding this restaurant with the possible types of food I've been seeking! Vietnamese...Korean...Chinese...I will have to be a food tourist for awhile to see if it's all as wonderful as I am hoping. On the way to this place, though, I discovered something that made my heart skip a beat....a LIVE HOUSE!!! right next to a music studio! I am trying not to get my hopes up too high until I can see what kinds of bands play there, but...maybe...maybe I have a chance. Maybe there *is* a possibility that I can make the kinds of friends I came here to make, to find the kinds of people I need to look for, or to make a connection with something that will take me in the direction I want to go. I will hold my breath until this need is satiated. If not this one, then another..but at least I found one.
As time passes, I keep wondering exactly how selfish I am being. I feel like I have required tons of help, even in simple things...like finding a damn trash bag, or learning how to sort trash. Life is still aggravating in some areas, but the fact that I have someone there to help almost always...well, it makes me feel kind of remorseful. When is the last time I've been able to help someone this much? I hate that I can't do much on my own. I really am a kid again. The other thing is, I am way too emotional about being apart from my dog. I can't really even talk about it. I can't think about him much, either, or I begin to lose composure. It's crazy how weak you feel when you miss someone that much. I had to go through it when I was away from Kenji, but this is a little different. My dog was there. He kept me busy. He occupied my time and had a way of really calming my depression most of the time. I think it is different now because he really was like my kid. I had to get up early to feed him so he would be happy in starting the day, he would distract me from feeling bad by forcing me to play with him...he even gave hugs if I needed them. I know, this sounds ridiculous-- he's a dog...but he's not just that, he's also a member of my new beginning of a family. Now that two members are here, we need our missing piece. Benji rounded out everything and made it even more of a balance. Doing things together to see him excited and happy...like hiking and going to the park, it became a partial routine we never seemed to take for granted.
Enough about that, though. I am sure that I'll be able to have him here by sometime next year. I'll just have to focus on that as well as getting my head on straight and figure out what I am really doing here. Sometimes it is hard to see a path to your deliberate purpose for something once you've gotten to a certain point. I know I need to give myself a little more time to settle and get the feel of how it's going to be here. In a sense, I really am going through trials that may lead to be better enlightenment. I just need to find more grace with how I deal with them.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Hisashiburi....
It's been forever since I've been here to complain about something or really tell you what's been happening. I'm not sure where to even start to recap all that's happened.
Well, lots of changes that have forced me to grow have happened rapidly. I was thrown head-first into a complicated schedule of classes that rotated between young children and older teenagers and adults. I started discovering needs I had that from which I had to learn all over again how to meet them, kind of like being a child for a second time in life. Things for the most part have been far more pleasant and enjoyable than annoying or frustrating for me, which makes all the changes I have been experiencing worth while, but...I am still at a level of inadequacy in this place. It is very humbling to have to ask for help with just about everything, even when it seems like it should be very simple. My lack of common sense sometimes makes everything even more profoundly difficult. For instance, finding the post office and trying to convince the post office that I am me and not some intruder gaijin with my passport and hanko and work visa and everything else I currently have. I am able to get places okay. So many nice people willing to help have given me such nice directions or even taken me to where I need to be. So many nice people encourage me nicely, despite my knowing my Japanese is terrible. ^_^;
Well, I seem to have made progress with the most overwhelming factor in my life right now: kids classes. Yeah, I am still questioning what I got myself into by going to a "B" school and volunteering myself for 3x the work with kids classes. See, the difference is not just student behavior. Also, after two weeks to get the hang of things, it takes me about 5-10 minutes to look at an adult class lesson and figure out what to do for that class, where a kids class requires more than just a skim over the material. Rather, you have to spend about 20-30 minutes actually writing out a PLAN and on top of that, you have to figure out games and what kind they are, therefore, where they fit into the lesson....and then materials. Tons and tons of materials....not only do I have to figure out HOW a game works, but I also have to figure out how to explain this game in five words or less with tons of gestures in order for it to function in a class that has a limited capability for mutual understanding. Well, my progress has been mostly inappreciable to me until my last class, which went more smoothly than ever expected. My "problem class." Not that any of my students are bad, not nearly as they could be...but I do still need respect from some of them. Things would be so much easier if I didn't care too much and I approached my job the same as some of my training group friends do. I can't help who I am, though. I can't help that it is obvious how I feel and that I often feel insecure and unsure. I am learning more and more to accept this and even though I will never change how hard I am on myself, at least I am more forgiving on emotions.
Other than my non-stop existence at school, I've been trying to become more "Japanese," in that I not only work hard, but I play hard, too. Wow, it's been exhausting! I've found myself in some really funny situations with people...like when I went to go visit a friend who was staying in Osaka. I traveled down to Shinsaibashi (with the help of a local, of course, since I had no idea what direction of the Midosuji line to take). In looking for clubs, we came upon a RANDOM bar that had a sign in the window (David's Birthday downstairs) Another gaijin?! Hell yeah, let's crash the party! So my friend, her 5 friends, and I went to the lower level to a small, dark room with a few people drinking, smoking, and dancing to a techno dj. The room slowly began to fill with more and more people, many who had no idea who the birthday was for, We turned at one point to look at the doorway, and in stumbled a drunk white guy with a plush crown and sash that exclaimed "Happy Birthday!" We shook his hand, watching confusion dance breifly across his intoxicated countenance and turn into a sloppy grin. "Drink! Get wasted," was all I could make out from him as he gestured to the bar and stumbled to a corner to hit on some girls. We laughed it off and stood there awhile, thinking of finding a place to sit. A Japanese guy and girl pair offered the corner seats to us, so we took a seat with them for awhile...had some interesting conversations that started with innocent talk and progressed to more prodding questions and teasing. A very interesting pair were they...it made the whole night really random. I obviously had missed my train, so I went to a capsul hotel with my friend to crash for a few hours before racing to a train the next moring .
From there, I have been out and about in Nanba area with training friends, meeting random people who happen to be associated with the same company as us and learning more and more about how easy it is to live half-drunk for almost a full day and night. Ah, my days off are a blur....I'm not saying I drink all the time, but it is time that is short-lived in between my long working hours. I need to learn more about just not sleeping and exploring my town at night. I need to learn the area and meet people. I need locals to hang out with, to learn from. I have not yet accomplished these things, and so my struggles have been a bit scathing to my already faulty confidence. I will get there, though...I just need time to do it ^^;
And lastly, the final bit of my adventures..... Golden Week. I made a mistake of booking a trip to Kagoshima for all of a.....day. Yep. Once day in Kagoshima. Not my intention. At least it has been worth it. I've had a lot of fun with my best friend and seen a completely different area and culture from where I now live. People here have been interesting....going to the Sand Festival, I felt more like I was on display. Many conversations with curious people, many many pictures taken of us, many stereotypes fulfilled...like having to pose with Coca-cola bottles because we both happen to be from Georgia...it's kind of as ridiculous as if I asked one of these people to pose with a plate of sushi and exclaim, "They're both from Japan!" Well, it was interesting. I had a very interesting soup...not sure what it is called, but it reminds me of ochazuke in that you pour the broth over rice and all other ingredients...it had rice,pork, eggs, mushrooms, seaweed, green onions, and a beef-stock broth...so yummy! Our server was very interesting...he kind of had an Osaka-jin personality, very forward and joking. He was only one of several encounters we had with "interesting people."
Until later, I think this is mostly the gist of my current happenings. Life is still mostly spent inside of a large building connected to a train station, but my pursuit to see other things is growing...we shall see where it takes me next~
Well, lots of changes that have forced me to grow have happened rapidly. I was thrown head-first into a complicated schedule of classes that rotated between young children and older teenagers and adults. I started discovering needs I had that from which I had to learn all over again how to meet them, kind of like being a child for a second time in life. Things for the most part have been far more pleasant and enjoyable than annoying or frustrating for me, which makes all the changes I have been experiencing worth while, but...I am still at a level of inadequacy in this place. It is very humbling to have to ask for help with just about everything, even when it seems like it should be very simple. My lack of common sense sometimes makes everything even more profoundly difficult. For instance, finding the post office and trying to convince the post office that I am me and not some intruder gaijin with my passport and hanko and work visa and everything else I currently have. I am able to get places okay. So many nice people willing to help have given me such nice directions or even taken me to where I need to be. So many nice people encourage me nicely, despite my knowing my Japanese is terrible. ^_^;
Well, I seem to have made progress with the most overwhelming factor in my life right now: kids classes. Yeah, I am still questioning what I got myself into by going to a "B" school and volunteering myself for 3x the work with kids classes. See, the difference is not just student behavior. Also, after two weeks to get the hang of things, it takes me about 5-10 minutes to look at an adult class lesson and figure out what to do for that class, where a kids class requires more than just a skim over the material. Rather, you have to spend about 20-30 minutes actually writing out a PLAN and on top of that, you have to figure out games and what kind they are, therefore, where they fit into the lesson....and then materials. Tons and tons of materials....not only do I have to figure out HOW a game works, but I also have to figure out how to explain this game in five words or less with tons of gestures in order for it to function in a class that has a limited capability for mutual understanding. Well, my progress has been mostly inappreciable to me until my last class, which went more smoothly than ever expected. My "problem class." Not that any of my students are bad, not nearly as they could be...but I do still need respect from some of them. Things would be so much easier if I didn't care too much and I approached my job the same as some of my training group friends do. I can't help who I am, though. I can't help that it is obvious how I feel and that I often feel insecure and unsure. I am learning more and more to accept this and even though I will never change how hard I am on myself, at least I am more forgiving on emotions.
Other than my non-stop existence at school, I've been trying to become more "Japanese," in that I not only work hard, but I play hard, too. Wow, it's been exhausting! I've found myself in some really funny situations with people...like when I went to go visit a friend who was staying in Osaka. I traveled down to Shinsaibashi (with the help of a local, of course, since I had no idea what direction of the Midosuji line to take). In looking for clubs, we came upon a RANDOM bar that had a sign in the window (David's Birthday downstairs) Another gaijin?! Hell yeah, let's crash the party! So my friend, her 5 friends, and I went to the lower level to a small, dark room with a few people drinking, smoking, and dancing to a techno dj. The room slowly began to fill with more and more people, many who had no idea who the birthday was for, We turned at one point to look at the doorway, and in stumbled a drunk white guy with a plush crown and sash that exclaimed "Happy Birthday!" We shook his hand, watching confusion dance breifly across his intoxicated countenance and turn into a sloppy grin. "Drink! Get wasted," was all I could make out from him as he gestured to the bar and stumbled to a corner to hit on some girls. We laughed it off and stood there awhile, thinking of finding a place to sit. A Japanese guy and girl pair offered the corner seats to us, so we took a seat with them for awhile...had some interesting conversations that started with innocent talk and progressed to more prodding questions and teasing. A very interesting pair were they...it made the whole night really random. I obviously had missed my train, so I went to a capsul hotel with my friend to crash for a few hours before racing to a train the next moring .
From there, I have been out and about in Nanba area with training friends, meeting random people who happen to be associated with the same company as us and learning more and more about how easy it is to live half-drunk for almost a full day and night. Ah, my days off are a blur....I'm not saying I drink all the time, but it is time that is short-lived in between my long working hours. I need to learn more about just not sleeping and exploring my town at night. I need to learn the area and meet people. I need locals to hang out with, to learn from. I have not yet accomplished these things, and so my struggles have been a bit scathing to my already faulty confidence. I will get there, though...I just need time to do it ^^;
And lastly, the final bit of my adventures..... Golden Week. I made a mistake of booking a trip to Kagoshima for all of a.....day. Yep. Once day in Kagoshima. Not my intention. At least it has been worth it. I've had a lot of fun with my best friend and seen a completely different area and culture from where I now live. People here have been interesting....going to the Sand Festival, I felt more like I was on display. Many conversations with curious people, many many pictures taken of us, many stereotypes fulfilled...like having to pose with Coca-cola bottles because we both happen to be from Georgia...it's kind of as ridiculous as if I asked one of these people to pose with a plate of sushi and exclaim, "They're both from Japan!" Well, it was interesting. I had a very interesting soup...not sure what it is called, but it reminds me of ochazuke in that you pour the broth over rice and all other ingredients...it had rice,pork, eggs, mushrooms, seaweed, green onions, and a beef-stock broth...so yummy! Our server was very interesting...he kind of had an Osaka-jin personality, very forward and joking. He was only one of several encounters we had with "interesting people."
Until later, I think this is mostly the gist of my current happenings. Life is still mostly spent inside of a large building connected to a train station, but my pursuit to see other things is growing...we shall see where it takes me next~
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
That was smooth... & other things
It has been a long week of pressure and brutality, so it is hard to keep up to date info, but I will try to remember the main points.... To begin, I was the only one picked up at KIX on April 2nd because...well, I was late. I got through customs alright and made my way through the door with my luggage cart. I saw one of the trainers standing there waiting for me with the company`s name on a sign. I went to greet her, when I managed to tip over my luggage cart and send my belongings crashing to the ground. Wow, great first impression...at least it is out that I am clumsy! So after scrambling around and gathering everything again, I followed her to a shipment station to send my bags off to my school.. after a long train ride and a few changes, I found myself lugging my huge duffle bag up the stairs of Daikokucho station in Nanba. I turned the corner, passed a temple, rounded another dark corner, and there was my hotel. I got up to my room, and just as the trainer was dropping me off, my roommate appeared from the dark abyss of our room and startled us. We introduced ourselves and I found her to be a great person to room with.
I felt lucky to be able to see Kenji the next day, and it eased my nerves a bit to also meet all the other trainees in my group. However, when we all went to training the next day, the stress really started adding up. I was behind...not just a day behind everyone, but really behind mentally and physically. The first day was a 9 hour hell. I was jet lagged beyond belief and my thoughts were fuzzy and I could not keep up with all the notes and directions and lesson plan making, The next way was equally as awful, having to perform and have no confidence in my presentation, since I was utterly unprepared. I wasnt doing as terrible as I thought, but the mental strain of it all just got to be on the verge of too much. I wasnt getting how to run the lesson plans and memorize everything in order without actually LOOKING at my lesson plans... By Wednesday, I was just depressed, Utterly down on myself and disgusted with what I felt was a lack of progress in comparison with everyone else, I was in fear of my status and overly pressured to improve so much more... my friends in my training group tried to show more support and eventually I picked myself up to do the group lesson I was assigned. The good thing about training is it gives you room to make mistakes and be critiqued right away so you can learn from them....my biggest problem is still my lack of confidence. I ran the lesson, but clutched my lesson plan. I looked behind my practice students to see my evaluator holding up a sign that said [put down your lesson plan! } I disengaged myself from it and nervously continued, but it went better than I thought. The good points given to me after gave me more confidence, and then by the time our actual demo lesson in front of students rolled around, the knots in my stomach reduced to butterflies.
Meeting the students made me happy, so many of them were kind and thoroughly interested in learning more, I was still nervous when I stepped in front of the class to present, but as I passed the pre activity and went to the dialogue section, my confidence rose and I took hold. I felt like a teacher! It made me really think about how my life might be in the next week, and it made me excited about how great this job will be, TBC...
I felt lucky to be able to see Kenji the next day, and it eased my nerves a bit to also meet all the other trainees in my group. However, when we all went to training the next day, the stress really started adding up. I was behind...not just a day behind everyone, but really behind mentally and physically. The first day was a 9 hour hell. I was jet lagged beyond belief and my thoughts were fuzzy and I could not keep up with all the notes and directions and lesson plan making, The next way was equally as awful, having to perform and have no confidence in my presentation, since I was utterly unprepared. I wasnt doing as terrible as I thought, but the mental strain of it all just got to be on the verge of too much. I wasnt getting how to run the lesson plans and memorize everything in order without actually LOOKING at my lesson plans... By Wednesday, I was just depressed, Utterly down on myself and disgusted with what I felt was a lack of progress in comparison with everyone else, I was in fear of my status and overly pressured to improve so much more... my friends in my training group tried to show more support and eventually I picked myself up to do the group lesson I was assigned. The good thing about training is it gives you room to make mistakes and be critiqued right away so you can learn from them....my biggest problem is still my lack of confidence. I ran the lesson, but clutched my lesson plan. I looked behind my practice students to see my evaluator holding up a sign that said [put down your lesson plan! } I disengaged myself from it and nervously continued, but it went better than I thought. The good points given to me after gave me more confidence, and then by the time our actual demo lesson in front of students rolled around, the knots in my stomach reduced to butterflies.
Meeting the students made me happy, so many of them were kind and thoroughly interested in learning more, I was still nervous when I stepped in front of the class to present, but as I passed the pre activity and went to the dialogue section, my confidence rose and I took hold. I felt like a teacher! It made me really think about how my life might be in the next week, and it made me excited about how great this job will be, TBC...
Thursday, March 31, 2011
A Day Behind In Destiny...GO TO D.M.C.!!
Today was definitely a test. A test in preparedness, in desire, and in composure. I'll just say I passed two out of three. Instead of plane-hopping to my final destination, I've spent today entagled in a mess of mishaps and emotional fall-outs. After not sleeping for 5 hours, I got out of bed at 3AM this morning and promptly hit the road to get to the airport early. All seemed fine as far as that went...checked in bags and paid an extra fee, and I was on my way to my gate.
I had a feeling something was amiss when it got to be 15 minutes past boarding time and no announcements were made. Finally, 25 minutes after the scheduled boarding time, they started to board people with a simple message of tardiness due to technical difficulties.
I get to my cramped seat and squeeze into half of that space, with the guy next to me usurping half my seat, and wait for the final cabin check and gate departure with much anxiety. Time is ticking away loudly in my head, as I am reminded the time between my connections has now diminished by half. Right after the final cabin check, they attempt to depart the gate and we all stop abruptly. There is an announcement that there is a computer failure and mechanical issue, and if our connections in Cincinati are before 10AM, we're going to miss them. My bloodpressure immediately rises and I go into pre-panic attack mode...I can feel my face burning and my heart racing, trying not to loose it. I call my parents and from that point, it's a back-and-forth phone tag of updates and setbacks. I decide to deboard and consult an agent about my predicament. At this point. it is approximately 1 hour before my next flight at the airport I won't be at leaves. I waited for about 10 more minutes and I finally get ahold of someone. The lady at the counter scours the database for all flights to Osaka, and informs me that there is no possible way or availability for me to make a flight on time, and the only other alternative is to leave a day late. At this point, my weakened facade shatters and I lose it. I can't hold back the tears and I'm hysterical. "I have to be in Osaka before 6PM on the 1st. I was hired by a company, and they'll be waiting for me, I HAVE TO be there! I can't take a later flight! " I would have felt more embarrassed if it hadn't been the end of the world for me at that moment in time, but I didn't care at all who heard me freaking out at this point.
"I'm sorry, but there is nothing else," the attendant replied dryly. I sobbingly gathered my things and trudged to a chair defeatedly, telling her I'd have to think things over. I called a few more people and cried and got my composure back and then returned to the desk. "I'll take the flight out tomorrow," I agreed. She booked a re-rout to Detroit, rather than Cincinati, so I'd have less of a chance to be screwed over tomorrow, and a larger layover in Seattle so I can rest a bit. Hopefully this all works out so much better...
Well, screw Cincinati and their crappy once-a-day flights. I'll go to DMC!!! ^0^ I am just appreciative that my company was understanding of my situation and has contacted my trainers. The only thing is, now I am extra nervous, since my new start is going to be awkward and a day behind everyone else. So much for a great first impression. I know this is out of my control, but I can't seem to completely rid my system of the bitterness I've felt this week with the sour aftertaste things have left in not going smoothly. I know, this is life. I should have expected it to happen...after all, I've had about 3 or 4 dreams similar to this whole scenario before it even happened. I sometimes feel like I need to pay better heed to what my mind tries to tell me in dreamland, rather than brushing it off .
I guess this is one way to show people they need to expect something other than "normal" from me..^.^; And I think everything happens for a reason, so for all I know, this whole day saved me from some other small tragedy. Maybe there was another stanky-ass unbathed Chinese man with poor dental hygene waiting next to my seat on that flight I never made...maybe I avoided getting jabbed in the kidneys for 16 hours straight by some little punk-butt brat. Maybe, just maybe, tomorrow is supposed to be that much more awesome. I just really hope so...
I had a feeling something was amiss when it got to be 15 minutes past boarding time and no announcements were made. Finally, 25 minutes after the scheduled boarding time, they started to board people with a simple message of tardiness due to technical difficulties.
I get to my cramped seat and squeeze into half of that space, with the guy next to me usurping half my seat, and wait for the final cabin check and gate departure with much anxiety. Time is ticking away loudly in my head, as I am reminded the time between my connections has now diminished by half. Right after the final cabin check, they attempt to depart the gate and we all stop abruptly. There is an announcement that there is a computer failure and mechanical issue, and if our connections in Cincinati are before 10AM, we're going to miss them. My bloodpressure immediately rises and I go into pre-panic attack mode...I can feel my face burning and my heart racing, trying not to loose it. I call my parents and from that point, it's a back-and-forth phone tag of updates and setbacks. I decide to deboard and consult an agent about my predicament. At this point. it is approximately 1 hour before my next flight at the airport I won't be at leaves. I waited for about 10 more minutes and I finally get ahold of someone. The lady at the counter scours the database for all flights to Osaka, and informs me that there is no possible way or availability for me to make a flight on time, and the only other alternative is to leave a day late. At this point, my weakened facade shatters and I lose it. I can't hold back the tears and I'm hysterical. "I have to be in Osaka before 6PM on the 1st. I was hired by a company, and they'll be waiting for me, I HAVE TO be there! I can't take a later flight! " I would have felt more embarrassed if it hadn't been the end of the world for me at that moment in time, but I didn't care at all who heard me freaking out at this point.
"I'm sorry, but there is nothing else," the attendant replied dryly. I sobbingly gathered my things and trudged to a chair defeatedly, telling her I'd have to think things over. I called a few more people and cried and got my composure back and then returned to the desk. "I'll take the flight out tomorrow," I agreed. She booked a re-rout to Detroit, rather than Cincinati, so I'd have less of a chance to be screwed over tomorrow, and a larger layover in Seattle so I can rest a bit. Hopefully this all works out so much better...
Well, screw Cincinati and their crappy once-a-day flights. I'll go to DMC!!! ^0^ I am just appreciative that my company was understanding of my situation and has contacted my trainers. The only thing is, now I am extra nervous, since my new start is going to be awkward and a day behind everyone else. So much for a great first impression. I know this is out of my control, but I can't seem to completely rid my system of the bitterness I've felt this week with the sour aftertaste things have left in not going smoothly. I know, this is life. I should have expected it to happen...after all, I've had about 3 or 4 dreams similar to this whole scenario before it even happened. I sometimes feel like I need to pay better heed to what my mind tries to tell me in dreamland, rather than brushing it off .
I guess this is one way to show people they need to expect something other than "normal" from me..^.^; And I think everything happens for a reason, so for all I know, this whole day saved me from some other small tragedy. Maybe there was another stanky-ass unbathed Chinese man with poor dental hygene waiting next to my seat on that flight I never made...maybe I avoided getting jabbed in the kidneys for 16 hours straight by some little punk-butt brat. Maybe, just maybe, tomorrow is supposed to be that much more awesome. I just really hope so...
Monday, March 28, 2011
2 To Get Ready, And 3 To Go...
It amazes me how a matter of days, no, moments can chage how you feel and how prepared you think you are. I definitely experienced another "oh shit" moment for like the 400th time this week in reviewing what I intend to take and how. I can be so foolish in my assumptions, and in checking "dimensions," I've found that my bags exceed the restrictions and have left me scratching my head once again. I guess when it comes to really "leaving it all behind," I'm kind of pressed to decide what to relinquish and try not to look back.
I think I am starting to understand that this problem has less to do with what I think I need, and more to do with what I think I'll want to have to ease the transition. I'm insecure. Increasingly so. It seems to grow everyday, especially in the face of the panic I see coming from my best friend. It has me questioning myself, wondering if I'll be exactly the same. It has me thinking about how weak I really am and how fragile the condition of my insides really is. It has me in knots and dizzy in my own bewilderment as to what to do next. Not really sure at this moment...more of my thoughts seem to trail off into how to get rid of this headache. I really am such a terrible Buddhist...with my materialistic tendencies and all...but back to my point...Yes, this has to do with my insecurities...the ones that are growing .
I really don't see why I concern myself with such trivial things such as worrying if "anybody is going to care/notice that I'm gone," like some bored emo chick contemplating to do or not to do herself in. Yes, in a way, I am "leaving a life behind." And I know it's not about how many people want to see me off or wish me well or keep up with what I am doing after I leave, but for some reason, those miniscule details bug me. And the problem I have with my "things" I want to take...well, I know many of them aren't entirely needed, but...I guess these "things" are also what remains of what I was and reminders of what I did, and I am not entirely ready to part.
The twinge in my chest has grown in my trying to sort all this, trying to picture myself lugging three huge bags to the gate where my trainers will be... or better yet, being screwed over by having my baggage "lost" for a period of time and not having the required stuff because all my bags were too damn big to take on board with me. Oh, the possibilities with this are almost endless!
I guess what this all boils down to is getting over the little things and getting my ass on a plane and accepting that nothing is ever going to be the same for me again. I think this will be a very enlightening journey, something that will challenge me and allow me to explore more on actual human nature and the raw aspects of what composes me. It is hard to say what I will believe or think next, but either way, I'll have to reach the FINAL before I can begin again.
I think I am starting to understand that this problem has less to do with what I think I need, and more to do with what I think I'll want to have to ease the transition. I'm insecure. Increasingly so. It seems to grow everyday, especially in the face of the panic I see coming from my best friend. It has me questioning myself, wondering if I'll be exactly the same. It has me thinking about how weak I really am and how fragile the condition of my insides really is. It has me in knots and dizzy in my own bewilderment as to what to do next. Not really sure at this moment...more of my thoughts seem to trail off into how to get rid of this headache. I really am such a terrible Buddhist...with my materialistic tendencies and all...but back to my point...Yes, this has to do with my insecurities...the ones that are growing .
I really don't see why I concern myself with such trivial things such as worrying if "anybody is going to care/notice that I'm gone," like some bored emo chick contemplating to do or not to do herself in. Yes, in a way, I am "leaving a life behind." And I know it's not about how many people want to see me off or wish me well or keep up with what I am doing after I leave, but for some reason, those miniscule details bug me. And the problem I have with my "things" I want to take...well, I know many of them aren't entirely needed, but...I guess these "things" are also what remains of what I was and reminders of what I did, and I am not entirely ready to part.
The twinge in my chest has grown in my trying to sort all this, trying to picture myself lugging three huge bags to the gate where my trainers will be... or better yet, being screwed over by having my baggage "lost" for a period of time and not having the required stuff because all my bags were too damn big to take on board with me. Oh, the possibilities with this are almost endless!
I guess what this all boils down to is getting over the little things and getting my ass on a plane and accepting that nothing is ever going to be the same for me again. I think this will be a very enlightening journey, something that will challenge me and allow me to explore more on actual human nature and the raw aspects of what composes me. It is hard to say what I will believe or think next, but either way, I'll have to reach the FINAL before I can begin again.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
7 Days to the Wolves
It will be exactly in 7 days that I board a plane to what I feel like is the place where my life really begins. I can't lie and say that a part of me is not in great panic and feeling depressed. I really am leaving what I've known behind, I really am going. Even when you've spent almost all of your life wanting something so much that it hurts, when the path there is lighted by reality, it still hurts your eyes. You've spent so long squinting at it in the distance , that you need time to adjust when you realize it is more than just a wished upon mirage.
I think I made it easier on myself by leaving what was my home and other familiar things before all of this happens. I think it is better this way, so that emotions can be somewhat diffused over time and I am not overtaken all at once. But I am still torn in how I really feel right now. I feel the pressure of so many expectations ( more others than my own) growing in weight on my shoulders, and all I can think about is trying to exceed my "best" and performing better than "just good enough" for all of those people who are expecting.
Anyone who knows me knows that it is one of my greatest fears to disappoint someone. Unfortunately, I have been falling short of things and not exactly making some people close by proud. I know, some would tell me "your best is all you can do," but that's just it. I have not been my best for awhile. I am hoping that even when I am "thrown to the wolves" and hit the ground running in my new start, I really can start giving my best again.
I wonder, though, what it will be like dividing myself in two. That's right, dividing myself. I plan on living as two different people, two separate sides, two different life styles. One side will live in Takarazuka, and the other in Osaka. One will conduct herself in full professionalism with a business suit and briefcase and be respectfully guarded. The other will seek out music and friends who understand how holding a microphone can fill a void and being heard can fill your heart. This other one will seek solace on a stage and reach to touch others with words that cross boundaries. ...this other will struggle and writhe beneathe the surfaces of the conforming former. It is not that I have not always had two "sides" to deal with, but actively living both and concealing one over the other, I think will pose a challenge. Such will be my life in Japan, my life as a JDrama~
I think I made it easier on myself by leaving what was my home and other familiar things before all of this happens. I think it is better this way, so that emotions can be somewhat diffused over time and I am not overtaken all at once. But I am still torn in how I really feel right now. I feel the pressure of so many expectations ( more others than my own) growing in weight on my shoulders, and all I can think about is trying to exceed my "best" and performing better than "just good enough" for all of those people who are expecting.
Anyone who knows me knows that it is one of my greatest fears to disappoint someone. Unfortunately, I have been falling short of things and not exactly making some people close by proud. I know, some would tell me "your best is all you can do," but that's just it. I have not been my best for awhile. I am hoping that even when I am "thrown to the wolves" and hit the ground running in my new start, I really can start giving my best again.
I wonder, though, what it will be like dividing myself in two. That's right, dividing myself. I plan on living as two different people, two separate sides, two different life styles. One side will live in Takarazuka, and the other in Osaka. One will conduct herself in full professionalism with a business suit and briefcase and be respectfully guarded. The other will seek out music and friends who understand how holding a microphone can fill a void and being heard can fill your heart. This other one will seek solace on a stage and reach to touch others with words that cross boundaries. ...this other will struggle and writhe beneathe the surfaces of the conforming former. It is not that I have not always had two "sides" to deal with, but actively living both and concealing one over the other, I think will pose a challenge. Such will be my life in Japan, my life as a JDrama~
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