One thing that hasn't ceased to bother me since my arrival is my lack of ability to really do anything in realtion to why I came. Today demonstrated nothing less of the usual- waking up, trying to convince myself today would be different, and getting out of bed was really going to be just the start of something wonderful. I've even changed my alarm to "Tank!" to feel an extra excitement the moment I sit up in bed. I almost feel desperate again, desperate to fill the growing void that eats away at me inside. I can't really explain to anyone why it's there, it just is...it exists partly out of depression, partly out of my own disappointment with myself. There is a pang in my chest every day I don't do something in favor of what I have promised myself. Today, while "fun," was a failure. I had planned almost all week to do something today, and I never even got close to it. I am not sure what to blame it on...should I have just spent the day alone and found the place I wanted to go so badly on my own?
So far, I am still a fat, ugly foreigner. Uniteresting and sore to look upon, I have no friends, no locals or co-workers or students who really hold any interest in my life whatsoever. There are days when I feel like if I were to drop dead on the way to the train station, it may take days for anyone to notice. I am a mere obstruction and a filler. At this point, I am a step up from useless. Unless I can start doing something with myself, I will never be anything more than this. Nothing more than a grotesque addition to an attempted assimilated subversion of Japan and the way of life here.
I learned something today in my sad, drinken stupor at dinner with my fellow foreign friends. I learned that despite who you might want in your life, there are only certain things you can ask help with. There are certain things that you have to do on your own and not look back at. I am learning that in order to become more of who I want to be, I must start start doing a whole lot more on my own and stop thinking that anyone is going to want to or even be able to do something. It feels lonely most days, thinking that the only thing I have really done is ride a train to and from work, perform in antics in front of a class, stayed long past when I should have been able to leave to go home, and skipped another would-have-been dinner because it's too late and I am too tired, and tomorrow comes too soon.
I am becoming more and more frustrated with myself and the lack of life I have. Things have to change, and I need to make them happen. I need to stop looking to those around me for support, I just need to take the fall and grab what I can.
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