All Intent, but....

 I really do just not have enough patience for what I am sometimes. My mind is always on edge, my reactions are jumpy and poorly timed. I often hear something to the effect of "フライング" or... "Not yet!" I have poor patience, mostly in my eagerness to do something right for once or do something for others....I have all the intent to do well, to do the job "right," however...I find my ability falling short most of the time, for one reason or another. I try. I try all the time. I try hard, and whole-heartedly. But trying isn't good enough for most things. It's so terribly miserable being like this all the time. It hurts to the core to watch almost every task slip through my fingers. I'm clumsy and I have no common sense...I can be truly ridiculous to watch sometimes...like when I was trying to prepare dinner tonight and managed to burn my hands with miso soup when I tried to gingerly place a bowl on a tray...to avoid spilling it when attempting to carry it. I feel hopeless. I try to take preventive measures, and even those result in disasters. I try to avoid embarrassment in public by having someone else do tasks that require any kind of delicacy or grace. If only I could really...do stuff.   Most of the time, I feel like I'm losing my sanity over something, mulling over things that can't just...go right.  
   I want to really go back to what I'm "good at," instead of bringing hands of ruin to the table all the time , making chaos happen just by "touching" something. Oh, if only the thoughts in my head worked out...  Lately, it's been so hard to really like myself, to feel okay, to feel like I've been accomplishing things. Someday, I want my words to mean something and to help build a different kind of world with music...but as aforementioned, I'm not really good at anything yet. =_=;  Oh, dreams...if only I weren't stumbling and tripping after them, if only I could just run forward with my head high.

The side effects of living disapproved.

The past few months have given me a lot to think about as far as life is concerned... What I'm capable and not capable of right now, what kinds of people are in my life... Lots and lots of thinking and not enough sleep. One of my friends recently brought to light a situation they have with a relationship... A rather seemingly abusive relationship. I know there are two sides to every story and only one look into a situation by no means gives one the right to righteously judge. I will voice, however, that being on the receiving end of detriment, whether it be physical, emotional, or mental, is something that inflicts damage long after whatever visible marks or apparent words have faded. I bring this up because these kinds of battles are never-ending. A person can be tormented relentlessly by someone else, and yet, if the tormentor holds a certain position in that person's life, it becomes a struggle of self-worth, esteem, and being able to find an identity outside of what the tormentor leads the victim to believe. The problem when this person is a family member, let alone a parent, it creates a kind of hole that can't ever seem to be filled. No matter how much or how many times wounded, approval and attention and forgiveness for "being a certain way" is sought. It's so hard for me to not be angered with myself at times when rationally, I know what's going on is wrong and there's nothing I can do to change the other person or he situation. A self-fulfilling prophesy of rejection and pain, I tend to repeat the same actions in hopes that someday, the person will wake up to see the dagger they've pierced me with and how it has twisted in the wounds it has created. Over the past few months, I've made the mistake of trying to share parts of myself and my life that are better left kept safe from the eyes of those who can't and won't understand. As made clear by many previous posts, music is a huge, if not consuming part of my life. Joining my band has been the greatest, most wonderful thing I've ever done for myself. I've been given a perfect outlet to not only better myself in different ways, but to put all of myself into what I love and feel good doing it. Instead of just accepting that my path deviates from any previously conceived expectation for me, I was again shown the disdain and un-acceptance. I repeated feelings of misery and guilt and wonder why I can just never be good enough. It's always after I feel I've accomplished a little more and try to show the product of my effort and hard work that it's followed by responses of dissatisfaction and questions of "why couldn't you be like _____?" or "why couldn't you just ____?" those questions have taken stabs at me my entire life, comparing me to other people I'll never be like and disapproving what I can't help but be. I have the foolish hope that some day, the judgement will stop and they can step back and see how hard I've fought all my life just to do and be what I am. Those who comfortably pull wool over their eyes, though, care not to remove their coverings and look around at what's really there. The rational part of me knows this, but the hungry and needy part of me continues with the losing, sick game of approval-seeking. I've made my friends my family for a reason. Many of them have supported me more than anyone eske could. Yet, there will always be something missing, and remnants of fear. Ive tried to overcome all this, but all I can really do is cover it and hope the wrong people can't see. The phrase "I always hoped you would_____" is terrible. Way to dismiss how far a person has come and what they've done. Even if they have a far way to go still, discounting their success in doing what they're doing because it's what they want is kind of unforgivable in my eyes... So finding ways to forgive being slighted forever has been a real challenge. On the other hand, it's taught ne how NOT to be and how important my friends and all the positive and giving and good people in my life are. Err.. In other news, my first haircut was a success and my friends are truly wonderful and beautiful people. I'm not sure where I'd be without their support, but I do know I'm where I am now because they've helped me so much. (#^.^#)

  

CHRONOS' 1st LIVE PV videos!!

I am so, so excited to have Chronos' recorded performance available to others now. We had to edit it by layering our demo tracks on top because the PA sound quality was terrible (you'll see some parts are a little off), but as a first performance and as a preview of what we can do and what's to come, I feel it's still great! Every time I watch these, I can't help but smile...not just because I'm re-living the moment and watching from a different view, but because I honestly feel more and more convinced that someday, we can and will make a great movement in music and reach alot of people. 

I talked to some students today after class, and told them that part of the whole dream of this band is to unite people internationally with something that transcends boundaries. Music is a beautiful thing, and being able to share it is such a great gift in itself. ^_^   

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4V_O93v7iGQ&feature=youtu.be

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjVGOrrAv6U&feature=youtu.be

A Day in the Life of a Model....kind of ^^;

 Recently, I've had the experience of doing something that probably won't be offered to me again in my lifetime.  I've never considered myself much too look at, and rarely have I even considered myself "pretty." Partly having to do with how I was raised to think about myself and how my self-esteem is, and partly because,,,well, I'm used to being around other people who received so much more attention than I do (not to complain! I have some awesome and beautiful friends! ^0^)   


About a month ago, on my way home from work at the train station, a young woman approached Kenji and me. I thought nothing of it, assuming she was going to ask for directions or something...I didn't pay too much attention at first since I also assumed she needed an explanation from a fluent speaker ^^;  I heard a murmur of "kanojou ha kirei desu ne!" and looked over at her, surprised and a little embarassed. I saw her pull out a business card and she explained that she worked at a salon. She pulled out a magazine and then asked something I thought would never be asked for from someone like me.....a model? Really?....**Really?~~!!** I was a bit stunned as we briefly agreed to her request and walked away. I put it in the back of my mind, thinking it was kind of another joke life wanted to play on me.

    A few weeks passed, and it came down to the day before the photoshoot. I found myself riding a strange bus route and wandering up a hill past a rice field to a small salon seemingly out in the middle of nowhere with Kenji. The familiar face of the girl peered out of the doorway, then she rushed put to meet us as we neared. We were ushered up the staires to a 2nd floor with a great atmosphere! (I couldn't help but take a pic)>>>
^.^  She had me change into different clothes and explained her intended image for the next day.  She then carefully fit a wig on my head and applied a test round of make-up. After having had my make-up done by a make-up artist before (with my band) ^^; I have to say, it really is an enjoyable experience to be pampered in some way by another person. I sometimes wonder if I'd appreciate it quite this much if I were in fact living a luxurious lifestyle that allowed such decadence more than once or twice a year. Well...having it done every once in awhile is definitely appreciated, though...She was really gentle and caring in the way she applied and checked everything. I tried not to get too relaxed so I could stay really still for her sake.  After all the prep, she had me stand and do trial poses...she seemed to be really satisfied and after awhile of more talking, we called it a night.

                                                                                 I just love bird cages~! ^.^

The next morning, I met her at the station, and she drove us to the salon, where just the two of us spent a good hour and a half of quality time alone. She prepped and readied things ever so carefully, seemingly more and more excited with how much I "could talk." The conversation started off with her eagerly trying to entertain me with Dir en Grey on youtube. I tried to warn her that the music was rather dark and not easy listening, but she insisted on giving it a try. Almost ironically, she clicked a youtube link to a song from their Uroboros album. After the intro, Kyo's low growl blared from the little laptop's speakers and she surprisedly glanced over at me in the mirror. I just laughed a little and explained to her what I felt his concept in music was...she continued by commenting that she had previously thought I might like lighter things like...pop. Then she told me of a client who is friends with them during their tours in the US...the conversation carried on and over many things, including her asking how to say things in English. ^_^ She was just so pleasant and sweet.
 After the other stylist and model arrived, we spent a few more moments getting ready and then we hit the road for about an hour commute to the other salon, the setting of the actual photo-shoot.  The other salon was a buzzing, bustling mess of beauticians, models, and hairspray. I didn't feel as much like a sore thumb as I thought I might have. 
Everyone was pretty absorbed in their tasks, and we set up shop pretty quickly. Ueno-san (the stylist) really fussed over me all day. She constantly worried about me and how I felt, if the wig hurt me, if I was hot or cold, thirsty or hungry, needed something... I know part of it was her job, but she really did go out of her way and worried about me way too much...I tried to show my concern for her, too...offering a seat or trying to help, but she always refused.  She re-touched up my make-up, applied more cool liquid orange and red eyeliner, powder, blush, lipstick, styled and teased the wig and extensions...she tirelessly fixed everything with so much energy.

My preview look equipped with stars ^^

The photographer came over to our area and introduced himself and asked her questions on what she was wanting to shoot for. She explained as he looked me over curiously. We went to the "photography station" and she proudly explained that I could speak and understand Japanese, not to worry.  The photographer really was an interesting person, very funny. His movements were quick, his facial expressions were clear, he had a great was of conceptualizing.  He had me twist and contort my way back and forth, my back twisted like an S, my arms balancing off of my hips or slung out to the side with attitude. My eyes darted from the floor to the camera. "Left shoulder down, right shoulder back...back...left arm like this," he'd dramatically strike an example pose, I'd try to follow. He'd laugh and make another suggestion. "Chin down. Look here, look here!" He'd make a face and expect me to copy. Tongue out, sneer...kiss...sideways glance...biting my nails...leaning forward more, no back....more to the side...arms twisted behind my back. He certainly laughed a lot, but it was good laughter. ^_^ He had a few good things to say. I liked watching his face as he paused and thought of more ideas every once in awhile. In every pause, the stylist was there, fussing over me more, moving my hair, adjusting my garments, moving the curtain or light screen, suggesting ideas or asking questions. I wanted to really give them something good to work with since it seemed to be so much trouble for all of them. Towards the end, the photographer got a strange gleam in his eye and he pulled a black curtain behind me, had me use an extra flash as a prop in the pictures. He asked for more attitude, more "rock" and less "cute." Towards the end, my back was sincerely contorted into an unformforable backwards slouch while the top part of me twisted in different directions and I balanced the flash and my facial expression for the camera. I developed a whole new respect for people standing there and twisting,turning, blinded by flashing lights and muffled voices. I felt like a whole different person.

The two stylists, me, and the other model(Aiko) ^0^

 After painstakingly holding it in for a few more moments, the shoot came to an end and I was free to slump over in a chair as the other model from the salon took her turn. It was fun just to sit back and watch people come and go, new people set up, primp, prep, pose...onlookers watching and commenting...I wondered if some people were used to living like this on a relatively normal basis. It seemed fun, but kind of stressful...I asked Ueno-san a bit more and told her I thought she must have a fun job, doing things like this and making an image to work with. She agreed and nervously giggled at my curious questions. 
Eventually the long day (when I say long, I mean like 8 hours of this) came to an end and we were on the road again, headed back to Sakai. It really was a fun experience to get a taste of what it would be like. For one whole day as Lauren I really felt pretty. ^.^; (Iris is different..it's hard to explain) 



Who knew twisting into strange statue-esque poses could make something as cool as this? (The photographer let me take a picture of one of the unedited pics he shot ^0^ ) I wish you could see the awesome make-up job, but for some reason, they wanted to focus on making me noticably pale and I guess to bring out my eye color...but my eyeliner was so cool!! >_<; shimmering orange..it was awesomeness. Anyways, it was fun, regardless of the outcome...I just hope something good comes out of it for those girls. They worked so hard, I really do hope they win the contest they entered ^.^;   And I truly am thankful to have had this experience..it was so fun to feel different in a good way!

Rant of the Recent...

  I have been trying to focus more and more on my vocal and athletic health since last month. It became really apparent to me in May with my fight against allergies that as a vocalist, the condition of my throat and everything surrounding it is an on-going balance of maintenance, training, and awareness. I feel like I've been at a slight disadvantage. If I were really able to, I'd want a vocal coach to help me improve more, faster..but the techniques I use are a combination of classical style, mixed with more of a performing arts/belting now. I really do not know much at all about what is offered here, but my impression is that it's few and far between and quite possibly very expensive to find a good match for these needs here...that, and my fluency is way too low to get professional instruction and understand it all..haha. Well, my point is, I've been trying to do all the research and practice and scheduling on my own. The internet is a wonderful thing that has allowed me a window into the world of vocal training and perspective, but it's still hard sometimes to know if I am taking the right approach. As I have said before, I want to become stronger as a vocalist. Athletically, I've been trying to focus on building my diaphragm more with strange excercises at the local park that earn me a few stares sometimes...I run laps up and down stairs, inhaling or hissing, trying to get my breath to last longer and longer and keeping the pressure heavy on my diaphragm. I know it looks strange. There are a lot of things I have discovered that help/are necessary for me now that are really strange. I used to be really really embarassed, but I'm starting to ease my way away from that. Anyways, despite the progress, I think I will continuously be frustrated. My voice is high and weak. Pitch-wise, it's okay for singing, but for MC...well, that's laughable. Being weak, though...not good. Not good for this industry, not good for the competition I'm having to face.  
Recently, I've been so stressed out. The changes in job, living with a person who has high expectations and compulsive behavior (something really stressful to deal with alone), feeling like I'm not doing well in what I do again (the starting over/learning new things position =_=), and added pressure to push myself further in what I love to do....it's all added up to a constant strained feeling in my chest. Sometimes I experience panic attacks at no particular time, sometimes I just feel depressed all over and really unaccomplished. I feel so divided right now. Part of me is in a state of self-loathing, hating how low my level of communication ability is right now, frustrated at how frequent my mistakes are, and the other part is trying so hard to stay positive with reminding myself how wonderful and amazing the people around me are, how lucky I am to be here and have a job, how great it is to have what I have and experience what I am...I really can't hold on to any static emotion or thought. It's exhausting...  
  I did have an interesting experience today, though. On my way to the park, I encountered two very curious 8-year olds who inquired about where I was from, my age, why my eyes are blue, why my sunglasses are green, why my nails are long, giggled over the American rock music I was listening to, asked about America and if I ate with chopsticks, why I had so many freckles.... I really didn't mind the conversation. They were sweet little girls and the fact that they wanted to talk to me instead of staring like I was going to suck their blood was refreshing. As we finished the conversation, they asked me why I was going to the park down the road, and not the one up the hill from where I came (really, a kid's playground). They told me that one was much better because it has a bus and a water fountain to play in. I just laughed with the thought of how people would react if I actually ventured in there and explained that the park I was going to was large and had a lake....so they bid me farewell, and I continued on my way to do my usual routine in the park. It made me feel a little better about myself that I understood about 95% of what they said or asked. It's so easy to feel bad about my level of ignorance sometimes. I want to study more and learn more...but my schedule has been changing too much to keep up the studies. 
Argh...there's always something happening. Something to deal with, something to get over, something to get by...sometimes this place can feel very lonely, especially when you're stuck in your head most of the time. I miss my friends in the US. I miss my dog. I miss American food and working at the vet. I miss being ignored when it's fine to be ignored and acknowledged when needed to be. (often, it's the opposite here).  There are many, many things I carry around and try not to think about...maybe that's why I try to stay so busy...but there are times when it catches up to me. 
Tomorrow is another day....^.^ and this week will be the first time in over a year I'll have my hair cut...first time ever in Japan. Wish me luck...~

The Little Things That Add Up To Now...

   I really want to continue on the feelings I've had for the past 48 hours. These emotions have spanned from dark and deep feelings close to that of depression (but not, because of the context of them) to more utter amazement and speechlessness. 
  Last night was a celebration. My band went out drinking to celebrate our first performance and to encourage each other to keep up the hard work for our next show. It was truly an event of mixed emotions for me. I had been looking forward to really trying to talk about the previous weekend with specifically two of the members because I hadn't the chance previously.  As the leader discussed over prospects dealing with her absence, my mind wandered in and out. I'm not sure I understood everything, but I guess I'll see later on what I didn't get. >_<; 
    As we drank more and my confidence built a little, I got up the courage to ask the guitarist for feedback. I asked him if his friends who saw our show said anything. He hesitated first, then said, "...they said many things." I pressed more, "...for example?" He reluctantly gave way, "For example,' oh...your vocalist is a gaijin?.'.and ' only a vocalist?"  I drew back and thought hard for a moment. I didn't really know what to say. I was aware that his acquaintances more than likely had adverse reactions to us. After all, not only am I a foreigner in a Japanese band, but I'm a woman in visual kei. Both of those things are such rarities, the combination is literally unheard of right now.  It's not that I was hurt or discouraged from his answer. I took it as more of a reason to become better. What worries me, though, is what happens next. 
  Of course,this sent me into a spiral of deep thoughts again, and because I can't lie...the other members noticed. After leaving the first izakaya, the guitarist headed home, clutching an AKB photobook (his birthday present) gleefully. I followed the keyboardist closely, while the drummer and bassist lagged drunkenly behind. I heard the drummer comment on my change in demeanor, and so when we sat down at the next place, a serious conversation ensued. I told them about my previous investigation and my thoughts about it. I told them that his friends wouldn't have had those questions if I had been good. If I were a great vocalist, there would be no only a vocalist..? comment. They refuted my thoughts heatedly. The keyboardist first quietly told me that I was worrying way too much about it, and to just work as hard as I'm able to and to not push too hard. The leader then leaned over the table and insistently repeated that she wanted me as the vocalist and that those questions would have been asked anyways because we're women in VK.(something still kind of taboo). Despite all the love and assurance I got from that point onward into the night, I still thought deeply about what I need to improve. After decidedly getting drunk from screwdrivers to drown out my thoughts for awhile, I found it was time for us to part. The drummer and bassist staggared along together and took a ride home together in a friend's car. I meandered around with the keyboardist for awhile, restless. He offered more of his time, so we ended up talking more deeply about the issues at hand while time flew past the time my last train home left. In a sense, I was relieved. I had needed that discussion, and so when we figured out how to get me to my bassist's house, I was even more happy. I knew I was being bad again and causing trouble...but I love being around them so much, being with my band members outside of practice is just as important to me. After stopping at a convenience store for more beer and sweets, I headed on my way to her house. From there, more talking. The next morning, more talking and laughing about the night before. I had the great honor of not only watching the dvd from our performance with her and getting her feedback, but also watching a recording of one of her previous bands. It really was amazing. The vocalist's stage performance and voice were strong, one of the guitarists played riffs comparable to Versailles (metal-style, fast), and my bassist had that strong aura, even then. She proceeded to explain that that band had been together for 6 months. The first month, she had composed all the music, which they narrowed down and selected for the purpose of performance, and from there proceeded to perform show after show and collect hundreds of fans. I was really amazed. I feel so incredibly lucky to have these people in my life and to be in the position of being wanted by them. The only thing I would like to change is my insecure feelings about the guitarist. I want him to stay so badly...I want him to change his mind about just being "help" and decide on being a real, static member of this band. When that day comes, I'll really feel unbelievably fortunate....therefore....I have to prove myself and make us irreplacable in his eyes. The next stretch is definitely a huge challenge, but, as always, I ACCEPT!