The Beginning of a Dream

  Yesterday was almost an indescribable experience. I arrived in Sannomiya extra early, but due to my nerves (and really discontent stomach), I paced around outside the venue and sat in the shade trying to calm my nerves for about half an hour. My stomach was literally in knots, though everything else seemed relatively calm. After messaging one of my members, I saw them round the corner to greet me. We rode the elevator in silence, but as the doors opened to the live area, our conversation quickly took off. I sat fidgeting after we filled our demo cd jackets and had a moment to think again. I drank about half a liter of water just out of nervousness, I could see my drummer watching me curiously as I gulped away. Everyone was on edge. We decided to go down one floor to the "backstage area" and get acclaimated. 
   Being the first there, we had a choice where to set-up, but we chose a small corner as to let the more imposing bands have their run of most of the space. I can't remember too many details, it was mostly a blur. Two, three hours went by in a blink of an eye. I just remember greeting the other bands as they arrived in a murmur of "ohayou gozaimasu...yoroshiku...." Some stared blankly, others ignored us completely, and some were a little more friendly and inviting. I hardly uttered a word to anyone, mostly out of intimidation and not really knowing what to say. Each group (all seven of us!) mostly kept to themselves. It was truly something different than what I've ever experienced before. The third floor was entirely composed to serve the purpose half as a bar, the other half as the "back-stage/dressing area." The main problem that arose was...well, there were mostly men, but also women...so I had to occupy the bathroom for long periods of time in order to change (which at one point, the vocalist for Calmando Qual was highly inconvenienced in his mission to take a leak) >_<; 
Other than that, though...most everything was accommodating. From the third floor, there was a narrow hallway with stairs winding up to another small backstage area where everyone in que stored instruments and materials for their performance. I found that hallway to be vital for my warm-up before the show. While the other bands did sound-checks and brief rehearsals, I did scales and sirens in a corner away from everyone else( and in strong belief nobody could hear...^.^;) 
   For the most part, I was generally ignored until it was time for make-up and hair. Members from other bands quietly acknowledged my presence and exchanged "otsukare"s, but some members seemed genuinely shocked I was there....specifically, the drummer from the other band which had a female vocal. (I'm really not sure if he was just curious or surprised or in shock to see me there, but I definitely got alot of stares from him...at first sight of me, he actually tripped over a plank holding the divide screen ^^;; ) 
   I was mostly in a daze, though...my mind hazy, trying to focus on lyrics and keeping my voice warm for performance..drifting in and out of nap-mode. The make-up artist was truly wonderful again. I wish I could have understood more, but she kept our conversation mostly to simple directions. I think we were at least amusing to her, though...I took pictures of our sleeping guitarist, I made the bassist hold her onigiri while getting her make-up done, I teased the drummer, tripped over things constantly...asked strange questions, and so on. 
    When it got down to a 15-minute countdown to our show, I felt my heart beat a little harder and my breath shallow just a bit. Another blink of the eye and we were opening the door to the stage, entering into darkness, listening to the buzz of the crowd, positioning, readying....

    I turned my back to the curtain for my "opening pose," looked one last time at my members and breathed in deeply. "This is it, it's really happening. This is where our dream begins. Just have fun like the others said...just give them all a show..." The intro song started and we all took our stance. As the curtains drew open and the light drifted in over my shoulders and poured around us, something changed in me. I'm not sure how, but I managed to leave Lauren behind. Completely. I really hope this is a skill I can keep for the future. Iris was there...and although our first song started with a huge mistake on my part, it kept going. It got better....the audience's energy surged at one point, and I really felt on fire. 
   Honestly, though...I can't remember much of what happened. It all happened so fast. It started with the opening MC. The guitarist warmed up the crowd, and the bassist and keyboardist shouted in sequence with me. It was supposed to be a 4-count, but...well, I'm glad the guitarist had his eyes on me. He saw I was lost and couldn't hear the intro. He saw I couldn't find where to sing. He tried again to cover it up, which I'm thankful for. I missed the first few lines in the first verse, but quickly jumped in where I could. I could feel everyone (in the band) staring at me...>_<; But it wasn't out of anger, it was mostly concern. As I picked up the pace and energy, the worry diminished. I was aware of the mistakes I was making...I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear anything except the drums and the faint riffs of the guitar. I couldn't keep the notes as well as I wanted, but I kept going...little did I know, the PA system was crap and most of my singing was unheard (except the parts I really belted ^0^ ). 
   The first song ended and I jumped on my MC. I could barely see through my hair and the glaring lights, but I saw the faces of many familiar souls in the crowd smiling back at me. My eyes scanned over the audience...at least 60 people were there staring back at me. It felt so great to be standing on the edge of the stage and yelling back and forth to the audience. "If I can get them to have fun...if I can get them to enjoy this, I'll have no regrets." My surprise bunny "decapitation" worked like a charm for the whole "interesting" factor. (yes, I ripped the head off of an innocent-looking bunny stuffed animal 9_9 ) The drummer started into the next song...it was so fast...too fast...I couldn't breathe...It all went by so fast. As it came to an end, I wondered if the lyrics were even intelligible ^0^ I felt like it had sped by in a matter of two minutes rather than four. I proceeded to throw the rabbit's body at him and exclaim that he was too fast (not really remembering the audience had no idea) The keyboardist then had his MC with the crowd, introducing the members to the audience and announcing our debut and demo.  His voice was so gentle compared to what I decided to use. Our fourth song started off fine, but I knew I was in trouble when I couldn't hear the keyboard. I tried switching spots with the guitarist to use his monitor, but to no avail. There was nothing I could really do but push through it. I tried to make the octave jump in the chorus as painless as possible for the audience, but I know I was sharpt and flat and all over the place (it happens when you can't hear >_<)  At this point, I was determined to rouse the crowd. If I couldn't sing up to my full potential, then I was going to have to up the enthusiasm on stage. I really started to see that performance made up about 40-50% of how the audience saw or felt about us. The "towel" interaction was fun. I used the bunny's head at one point as my "towel" to spin over my head in an interaction with the audience, but I just deemed it better to thrust my fist into the air. 
   What made me really happy, other than the crowd's energy and interaction, was that the guitarist genuinely smiled at me a few times. I really do hope he was pleased. His opinion is so important for me and deciding what I do...his opinion drove me to go crazy just a bit on stage ^.^
   The last song was ever-changing in pace and tempo, but I felt like I could keep up. It was another blur of light and smiling/yelling faces. I made a point of making eye contact with the audience. I really didn't feel anything but great at this point. I was engulfed in the moment, and for that moment, I felt we were really connected with the audience. My eyes floated from familiar to unfamiliar faces. I could guess who were comrades and who had come for other bands. What made me so very happy was that with the last song, we had EVERYONE moving! Even the people who probably showed up for other bands seemed to be having fun in that moment. Even those people smiled and yelled back. That's why we were there. There is no way that we could have done a perfect job, but in the circumstance we were in (not able to hear, tripping on chords, me almost falling off stage because the monitor I decided to prop myself on was unsecured...^0^ ), I don't think we could have done better. I feel like it went so much better than anticipated... Yes, we messed up a ton. Instrumentals and vocals were equally slipping up, but we made a connection. The audience had fun....all of our demo cds....ALL of our demo cds were taken. We topped the ticket sales ( I mean to say, we had a crowd of 58, while the other bands had...9,7...etc.) <-----this information was accidentally given to the leader because a staff member passed her the wrong sheet of paper at the end of the night =^0^=.    I think it's not just the people who meant alot to me showing up that made our debut so wonderful. I think the fact that we all knew our mistakes but still carried on and we were still able to make it fun for everyone, I think that's what makes this experience so invaluable to me. I know I have such a long, long way to go, but this threshhold has been paved in diamonds for me. I know we're going to hit tough times, but if we can have more memories like this, I can be ready. It really was like a dream. It really is the reason I'm here, doing what I do. No regrets. 

Feeling Foreign and Confused...

   This week has really tried my spirit. I've been so very sad and depressed for multiple reasons...both from things happening directly to me and around me. I really have been challenged to stay positive and focus on what I love and what's going great without the weight of a heavy heart pulling my head back to Hell. 
    I've heard stories from some of my friends who are foreigners (mostly male) who have encountered adverse situations. I would sympathize with their stories, but I never really knew what kind of hurt can come from such kind of experience. Today, though, I was awarded that opportunity. I've had people yell things or ask me strange questions from time to time...nothing too serious, but today...today was a shock. 
      After getting to my home station, I started my walk home, like normal, not expecting anything. As I left the station and started towards the hill leading home, a woman whom I'd never seen approached me. She spoke to me, so I took off my earphones and smiled. I began to notice the nature of her conversation, though, when she didn't smile, but glared at me. Her words were not kind. I was confused why she was shouting at me, then pushing me....what had I done? Why was she so angry? She shouted at me in disgust, "Where are you from? You have a passport?"   "Y-yes," I stammered, really wondering what this was about. She pushed me again, harder,"Where are you from?! British?" I shook my head 'no' in shock," Are you from Canada?!" She continued, more angrily. People just stared. Nobody cared to do anything other than watch.    "...Why does it matter?" I replied quietly, still in disbelief.  
   "I know why you're here! I know your motive!"   
I just shook my head, thinking," You don't know me...or why I'm here...you don't know me at all. I haven't done anything...you DON'T KNOW ME." She pushed and yelled again, people just stared. It hurt...something in my chest tightened. 
  "I know you're motive! Get the fuck out! Get out of here!" She took a swing at me and I took a step back. I shook my head and walked backwards, facing her until she turned around and walked away.  
I'm angry now. I'm angry because it hurt. I'm angry because I don't understand how anyone could attack a stranger like that...a stranger who works hard to live here, to be here...to thrive here. 
Everyday life is hard enough without people outright showing their hate. But what shocked me the most was that this woman was NOT Japanese. She looked to be Brazilian or something...a foreigner who hates foreigners. 
It doesn't matter, though. I'm a person. I'm a person who tries very hard not to make anyone angry. I'm a person who follows rules and tries to help others...even when I am aware I'm being taken advantage of. I'm a person who worked very hard to get to this place and a person who hasn't taken shortcuts or handouts. It hurt because I see no catalyst and no rightful reason. I hope, though, that this experience will not make me bitter or distrusting. I hope it only helps me become more aware of what to look out for and maybe how to avoid another accosting. 
  Anyways...my week continues to be sad...but I'm willing to suffer and learn more..especially if everything can go right on the BIG DAY!!! ^_^

The Truth About Shame

  I've heard a lot lately about what is "shameful" and "sinful" and where those actions come from. This, mostly applying to the recent debate over gay rights currently in the US, after Obama announced his support for the gay community. Not going too much into my personal opinions (even though my friends are aware I fully believe in equal rights to all groups), I'd like to touch on a comment someone made. 
  Leaving names anonymous, this person proceeded to say something along the lines of people instinctually hide shameful actions because they know it's bad. In my honest opinion, through my years of life experience as well as studies in psychology, I've come to the conclusion that an act or deed or thought or feeling is not shameful unless one is taught or told it is so. Society constructs the norms and acceptable behaviors as well as the limits and guidelines by which one should abide. Society constructs the concept of shame...and from there, the individual fabricates his or her own level of judgement. 
   I'm going into all of this because I have fought my whole life against what should be and what shouldn't be considered shameful. I say this because of the way I grew up and the over-domineering way a person in my family looked down on me and the things I did. I've suffered from depression and painfully low self-esteem as a result of this and some other things I had to deal with. I've grown up hating my reflection and almost everything I can find faulty about myself. I've grown to hate the things I do in which I am so clumsy. I hate that talking to people makes me panic inside, I hate that my lack of confidence is written all over my face most of the time, and people take advantage of it. I've faced some of the biggest battles with my self since I've moved to Japan because I can't just "not do" things. 
    What I'm getting at is, it's taken me the year being here to build up what I have. I've finally started telling myself, "you really CAN do this," and being able to look at myself in the mirror, whether it be in the studio or just at home. I've started towards what I came here for and I've started taking pride in what I do, seeing myself as someone potentially great someday. I'm so proud of my band. It's my dream. My band members, I wouldn't trade them for anything. Each person has something wonderful and different to offer, and the way we all work together is just amazing. Being with and around them, getting encouragement and ideas, being near such positivity has made me truly start to enjoy being me, even though there are still moments I wish I could change myself (mostly dealing with my fluency issues).  Getting into this whole build-up... it only takes a few moments for me to want to crawl back inside myself if I share with the wrong people. 
   Which brings me back to "shame." Something a person struggles with, works hard at, puts alot into, shouldn't that thing be something of pride? Should a person not be proud of accomplishment, no matter how different it might be from another person's view? I admire people who are able to create things really different and challenge thought. I've always strived to be that kind of person. 
  Well, being proud of what I've been doing, I made the mistake of sharing with the wrong person. Even on a fuzzy screen, I could see their countenance twist in disapproval as they sat back, staring at the jacket art I made. Their eyes scanning over the pictures and that look I'm so familiar with surfaced. The look of disappointment and disgust I saw too frequently as a child...it made me feel like a child again, and ashamed of what I've been working hard at. This same person has a critical view of many other people, people who they can decry as "sinful" and whatever else their religion judges on. Taking this into consideration, I shouldn't be phased...someone blinded within their own boundaries and unable to really go outside of that, but it doesn't seem to sway my mind away from the emotional aspect of all this.
   I guess I will always foolishly seek approval from those I care about, no matter how often the outcome is painful. I think the same goes for many, though, and many suffer at the lack of approval and outright scorn from others. The result is a feeling of shame because they aren't accepted for how they are or what they are doing. This result isn't always justified. Intellectually, I can see all this and I'm aware that my reaction to such a recent situation isn't really necessary. Trying to heal psychological wounds on your own, though, is really a difficult thing. I've been reminded again how lucky I am to have compassionate and positive people around me for times like this, and I hope I can be the same kind of support for others. Sometimes in life, people will teach you more about how not to be, and you have to focus on the things you can see that are good.

This...IS...Happening....!!!!

 As the weeks and days draw closer, I'm constantly reminded of how huge this is and how far we're going.  This band, recently, has really become a whole different world and reality. After recording, the atmosphere changed. It has started to feel like everyone is really coming together, our chemistry is solidifying and the way we work is more ornately cohesive. I'm a true believer of miracles, and even superstitious...I've always felt like in my life, if it's "meant to be," I experience a moment of magic.  So far, I've felt it happen in little ways with things that have been significant in my life. Again, it could just be my self-fulfilling prophesies in life due to my susperstition, but I like to believe in magic *_*
   Anyways, to be specific....today, practice was amazing.  Not to say it was perfect, because it wasn't. I made many, many mistakes...but the way it felt and the way we were at practice, it really convinced me that what's to come is really happening, and we're really able to do this.  Today, my guitarist shocked me. He truly is an amazing person full of surprises. The more his shell melts away and the more we learn about him, the more awesome he really becomes. In our second run through our set, he suggested a change in transitioning from songs and added in his own MC. He urged me to give more back-up and in our follow-up (my MC), he aided and then proceeded to sing back-up for me in the next song. O_O;   This is something I had suggested months ago, which he kind of shrugged off coldly with a blunt reply...so the fact that not only has he warmed up to us, but that he's now...really putting in what I never thought he would...I'm just breathless. I'd like to think that he believes in us now, that he wants us. It's always felt like he has been the farthest away and ready to bail if given reason enough..he's good enough to make it pro, so I've always been intimidated by him and scared of not being good enough for him. Recently, though, I'd like to think that he now considers us a real band, and if offered, he'd say he'd stay with Chronos. I want to believe this with everything in me...because today really was magic. I felt it. I felt what the stage might feel like, I heard what the audience might say, and I saw the lights and faces before me. I really believe now when I think back to when the leaders talking about "making the world of Chronos," I understand what they meant.  If every practice and the actual performance could feel like this...I'd be unstoppable. I finally got a taste of what it's like to "be on fire." I know I am a long, long way away from where I really want to be, but I can at least see the glimmer of what lies ahead.
   In other news....I have THE WORST cravings for milk products!!!! T_T I've had to cut them out of my diet completely in order to recover more from allergy-related issues. I know it's a sacrifice well-worth making when I want to do an amazing job for our show, but.....Oh, cheese....ice-cream....oreos...coffee....cheese....cheesecake....VanHouten's Iced Cocoa....yogurt.....I miss all ofthese things so much!!! I think I'm going to go overboard and go to a pizza buffet or something next month...>_< I can't believe how much my daily life and habits involved dairy. It's so sad...I now realize I do have an addiction. I just have to try hard to restrain myself for two more weeks...then I'll have myself a big beer and cheesecake!!! or...beer and pizza? err...something. ^_^ Until then, I'll just have to focus on the goal! 

Challenges and Personal Introspect

   The past year has been a growing experience, something that's changed a lot of things about me. I've learned more of how to hold things in and contemplate before I act. This might be due to the fact I've had limited opportunities to really discuss certain problems and concerns I've had, so different coping methods were necessary. I am grateful, though. I know I am still considerably high-strung as a person and I still freak out and panic, but the degree is far less than from when I first arrived a little over a year ago. The constant surprises in every day life here has taught me more and more about keeping my outer appearance more under control, and even how to fake confidence at times when  I feel like screaming or running from a room. I've learned the more uncomfortable sistuations I face, the more able I become.
   Perhaps my last job, as terrible as it was for my social and physical health, it was a great experience for psychological development that is almost essential for my ultimate goals. The last-minute situations and "oh, by the way..."s made me better and better at telling myself to just let go and let be what is when there's nothing I can do about it. Of course, I've been guided along the way, too. I have so many amazing people in my life who, in a few words, can open my eyes and make me step back for a moment and really think. 
  I've learned what it feels like to be outside most of the time. A foreigner, a minority, someone not fluent at all. It's so frustrating sometimes. There are so many things I wish to say, so much more I wish to understand, but in swallowing down the fact that I know next to nothing most of the time, I am at least more knowledgable than some.
   What fascinates me more, is that I live my life in this way, stumbling through a culture I love but still do not understand, trying to communicate with limited words and ability. What really fascinates me is that I do it all because I have to, and even small things are victories unseen by others, and even myself. I am encountered and talked to in a different way than what a Japanese person would be. I'm aware of the pattern, and I often am able to comply....but sometimes it is shameful or frustrating. For example, I rode the train to Osaka with a band member. He sat in a seperate seat ahead of me, and as I took a seat, an older man started a long and rather irksome conversation with me. This gentleman inquired about everything under the moon, such as how long I've been here, to why I'm getting married and when it is and what I plan to do...I was frankly a bit embarassed, having my band member look back at me in utter shock. He had never really encountered such a thing. He couldn't understand the senseless ramblings and why I obliged. He messaged me a few times, suggesting that I tell the old man to "shut up, stop talking," and things of that nature. I could feel my face burning red as my eyes darted back from the old man to my astonished band-mate. The truth is, I can't refuse bluntly. I try to do it in small ways, but if I were to anger the wrong person...who knows what would happen? It was interesting for me to see the outsider's reaction to this kind of confrontation. Later, we were able to find seats together, and I explained as best as I could that this kind of thing always happens with those kinds of "scary people," and I can't really do anything. In a way, it was a bonding experience...as funny as it is to see it that way. I feel though, he was able to gain a little more insight of what I go through with strangers.
   Speaking of which...I decided to join a kind of "Japanese class" at the local library once a week. I enjoyed myself last night, meeting strangers and talking. I know my Japanese is terrible, so hearing "じょうずですね！” has started to sting me just a bit. I know I suck. I know I need to improve. That's why I decided to go. Overlooking the small things, though, I think at least exposing myself to more and more will help in some way....
   In recent challenges, though, other than mentally preparing for the BIG DAY ahead (live on the 27th!!! XD ) , I never knew that allergies would be so debilitating. I have medicine now, but I also have to cut dairy out of my diet completely at this point, so that the afflicting mucous will eventually diminish and maybe disappear. Recording two weeks ago was a bit painful due to allergy issues and my performance was disappointing, I felt....but I've gotten progressively worse. I never knew speaking and singing would be so painful as a result of ALLERGIES. But it happens. My throat has been swollen and the mucous makes reaching high notes, breathing, and even projecting difficult and even painful. My new challenge is to overcome this in the next week so that I CAN give my best. My band deserves it. I deserve it. This show is so important and such a huge opportunity. I can't blow it.  I'm on the verge of really starting this dream, the reason I've gone through everything up until now...I can't fall at the threshhold.

Success,Failure, and Increasing Pressure

 I know, it's almost been a lifetime since I have taken a moment to post something here. I came across the draft I was intending to shared, though... And luckily, it's about one of the most important things to have happened to me since I've arrived. :

It has been a dizzying mess of confusion since my last post. I reached a point where I no longer wanted to wait and felt the necessity of having a band grow to an intolerable weight. With the help of a friend, I discovered an open door where could start my search. After about a week and a half of searching and dividing possibilities from scary creepers, I found myself making an appointment to meet someone. As the day approached, my heart rose to eventually find lodging in my throat. Arriving at the station about two hours early, I paced back and forth in front of the arranged meeting place. My eyes darted across the ticket gates, wondering what to look for, if I was too obvious....about 30minutes before the set meeting time, I noticed a young man in business attire watching me...it was a bit unnerving, but then the thought struck me that he could be the guitarist who was mentioned. Indeed, he turned out to be who I thought. The bassist who I was expecting to meet came off as a very seriuos critic and maybe even hard to approach. The introduction phase of our meeting was a blur...I fumbled over words and tried to explain myself. They suggested sitting down and drinking something, but sitting in a little bar, shakily holding a glass of water made me feel no more ease. My eyes darted over the table from him to her, and back again, trying to understand everything they told me and all they were asking. I finally sucked up the nerve to just ask to *show* them how I sang instead of trying to put it into words. They quickly agreed and I followed nervously through the narrow corridors of Sannomiya station out to the roadway and to a karaoke place.
   Something in me just took hold and when the song started, I resolved to put it all out there. There was nothing I could lose. I could walk away and at least know I gave it my all. They didn't know me, so I might as well try and blow them off their feet. My voice trembled a bit, but I held strong notes and showed some of my range. I could hear the woman talking about me as I continued, discussing with the younger man about her thoughts and perception. I finished two songs and sat nervously on the edge of the seat opposing the woman, studying her face and wondering what she had said. She had a red aura, I felt, but the younger man was much more calming. I felt comfort in that he spoke slowly and seemed to take in all that I spat out, even though I knew I barely made sense.
  As we exited the karaoke place and filed out into the streetway, he leaned forward to tell me they wanted me to join their band. I couldn't decide whether I wanted to cry or to hug them or to scream, but my heart was pounding, and I breathlessly repeated ありがとう over and over. It was a dream. We neared the station again and paused to exchange contact infromation. The woman gave me some expecations she had, and the younger man confirmed information and let me listen to a song he was making to check and see if it was something I really wanted to do.  The official practice with the other guitarist and drummer were scheduled for the following week. "
  

The journey I've been on with such incredible and talented people, I still can't believe I'm involved in the kind of band I've dreamed of all my life. In all seriousness,  the keyboardist (whom I mentioned as a guitarist earlier) is next to musical geniusness, I think. His mind is beautiful, his music is incredible, his ability is just amazing. He's able to write down notes as he hears them, but he's also able to bring everyone together in a way of understanding you'd expect from someone decades older. He's also kind of a life teacher for me...able to say words of wisdom or sense in the right way to calm me from freaking out or to open my eyes to something i haven't been seeing. The bassist is such a strong leader. She can be strict and demanding, but she has a wonderful heart and wants everyone to give their best. She has a lot of experience she tries to share with me to help me grow more or understand how to do things. We still can't say much to each other (that's understandable) because...well, my Japanese ability is still very poor, but I love that she pushes me to do more. She's so cool, I hope someday I can be more like her...^^;    The guitarist...he's more than just good. He's also amazing. He know so many people I look up to in the Indies world here, and there are so many people who know him just by mention of name that still surprise me. His style is just so professional. He tries to keep a cold exterior to keep appearances and it's difficult to talk to him, but I've seen enough of his kindness to know he has a good heart. I just need to prove myself to him more. I'm always wary of him leaving to find someone better...I really want to give him more of a reason to stay! The drummer....he really is like Yoshiki, even in funny ways...like almost always being late. He wears sunglasses and nice clothes all the time and he also does magic tricks! ( I love them!) But he's so talented....the way he plays...the way he composes...it's amazing and beautiful. I truly am lucky to know each and every person in this band, and it's nothing less than amazing all of them are in MY band.
   I have faced so many rough areas in the past year here, but my band and these people have made it more than worth it. I know I came for the right reason. More to come later....