The past year has been a growing experience, something that's changed a lot of things about me. I've learned more of how to hold things in and contemplate before I act. This might be due to the fact I've had limited opportunities to really discuss certain problems and concerns I've had, so different coping methods were necessary. I am grateful, though. I know I am still considerably high-strung as a person and I still freak out and panic, but the degree is far less than from when I first arrived a little over a year ago. The constant surprises in every day life here has taught me more and more about keeping my outer appearance more under control, and even how to fake confidence at times when I feel like screaming or running from a room. I've learned the more uncomfortable sistuations I face, the more able I become.
Perhaps my last job, as terrible as it was for my social and physical health, it was a great experience for psychological development that is almost essential for my ultimate goals. The last-minute situations and "oh, by the way..."s made me better and better at telling myself to just let go and let be what is when there's nothing I can do about it. Of course, I've been guided along the way, too. I have so many amazing people in my life who, in a few words, can open my eyes and make me step back for a moment and really think.
I've learned what it feels like to be outside most of the time. A foreigner, a minority, someone not fluent at all. It's so frustrating sometimes. There are so many things I wish to say, so much more I wish to understand, but in swallowing down the fact that I know next to nothing most of the time, I am at least more knowledgable than some.
What fascinates me more, is that I live my life in this way, stumbling through a culture I love but still do not understand, trying to communicate with limited words and ability. What really fascinates me is that I do it all because I have to, and even small things are victories unseen by others, and even myself. I am encountered and talked to in a different way than what a Japanese person would be. I'm aware of the pattern, and I often am able to comply....but sometimes it is shameful or frustrating. For example, I rode the train to Osaka with a band member. He sat in a seperate seat ahead of me, and as I took a seat, an older man started a long and rather irksome conversation with me. This gentleman inquired about everything under the moon, such as how long I've been here, to why I'm getting married and when it is and what I plan to do...I was frankly a bit embarassed, having my band member look back at me in utter shock. He had never really encountered such a thing. He couldn't understand the senseless ramblings and why I obliged. He messaged me a few times, suggesting that I tell the old man to "shut up, stop talking," and things of that nature. I could feel my face burning red as my eyes darted back from the old man to my astonished band-mate. The truth is, I can't refuse bluntly. I try to do it in small ways, but if I were to anger the wrong person...who knows what would happen? It was interesting for me to see the outsider's reaction to this kind of confrontation. Later, we were able to find seats together, and I explained as best as I could that this kind of thing always happens with those kinds of "scary people," and I can't really do anything. In a way, it was a bonding experience...as funny as it is to see it that way. I feel though, he was able to gain a little more insight of what I go through with strangers.
Speaking of which...I decided to join a kind of "Japanese class" at the local library once a week. I enjoyed myself last night, meeting strangers and talking. I know my Japanese is terrible, so hearing "じょうずですね！” has started to sting me just a bit. I know I suck. I know I need to improve. That's why I decided to go. Overlooking the small things, though, I think at least exposing myself to more and more will help in some way....
In recent challenges, though, other than mentally preparing for the BIG DAY ahead (live on the 27th!!! XD ) , I never knew that allergies would be so debilitating. I have medicine now, but I also have to cut dairy out of my diet completely at this point, so that the afflicting mucous will eventually diminish and maybe disappear. Recording two weeks ago was a bit painful due to allergy issues and my performance was disappointing, I felt....but I've gotten progressively worse. I never knew speaking and singing would be so painful as a result of ALLERGIES. But it happens. My throat has been swollen and the mucous makes reaching high notes, breathing, and even projecting difficult and even painful. My new challenge is to overcome this in the next week so that I CAN give my best. My band deserves it. I deserve it. This show is so important and such a huge opportunity. I can't blow it. I'm on the verge of really starting this dream, the reason I've gone through everything up until now...I can't fall at the threshhold.
No comments:
Post a Comment