I've heard a lot lately about what is "shameful" and "sinful" and where those actions come from. This, mostly applying to the recent debate over gay rights currently in the US, after Obama announced his support for the gay community. Not going too much into my personal opinions (even though my friends are aware I fully believe in equal rights to all groups), I'd like to touch on a comment someone made.
Leaving names anonymous, this person proceeded to say something along the lines of people instinctually hide shameful actions because they know it's bad. In my honest opinion, through my years of life experience as well as studies in psychology, I've come to the conclusion that an act or deed or thought or feeling is not shameful unless one is taught or told it is so. Society constructs the norms and acceptable behaviors as well as the limits and guidelines by which one should abide. Society constructs the concept of shame...and from there, the individual fabricates his or her own level of judgement.
I'm going into all of this because I have fought my whole life against what should be and what shouldn't be considered shameful. I say this because of the way I grew up and the over-domineering way a person in my family looked down on me and the things I did. I've suffered from depression and painfully low self-esteem as a result of this and some other things I had to deal with. I've grown up hating my reflection and almost everything I can find faulty about myself. I've grown to hate the things I do in which I am so clumsy. I hate that talking to people makes me panic inside, I hate that my lack of confidence is written all over my face most of the time, and people take advantage of it. I've faced some of the biggest battles with my self since I've moved to Japan because I can't just "not do" things.
What I'm getting at is, it's taken me the year being here to build up what I have. I've finally started telling myself, "you really CAN do this," and being able to look at myself in the mirror, whether it be in the studio or just at home. I've started towards what I came here for and I've started taking pride in what I do, seeing myself as someone potentially great someday. I'm so proud of my band. It's my dream. My band members, I wouldn't trade them for anything. Each person has something wonderful and different to offer, and the way we all work together is just amazing. Being with and around them, getting encouragement and ideas, being near such positivity has made me truly start to enjoy being me, even though there are still moments I wish I could change myself (mostly dealing with my fluency issues). Getting into this whole build-up... it only takes a few moments for me to want to crawl back inside myself if I share with the wrong people.
Which brings me back to "shame." Something a person struggles with, works hard at, puts alot into, shouldn't that thing be something of pride? Should a person not be proud of accomplishment, no matter how different it might be from another person's view? I admire people who are able to create things really different and challenge thought. I've always strived to be that kind of person.
Well, being proud of what I've been doing, I made the mistake of sharing with the wrong person. Even on a fuzzy screen, I could see their countenance twist in disapproval as they sat back, staring at the jacket art I made. Their eyes scanning over the pictures and that look I'm so familiar with surfaced. The look of disappointment and disgust I saw too frequently as a child...it made me feel like a child again, and ashamed of what I've been working hard at. This same person has a critical view of many other people, people who they can decry as "sinful" and whatever else their religion judges on. Taking this into consideration, I shouldn't be phased...someone blinded within their own boundaries and unable to really go outside of that, but it doesn't seem to sway my mind away from the emotional aspect of all this.
I guess I will always foolishly seek approval from those I care about, no matter how often the outcome is painful. I think the same goes for many, though, and many suffer at the lack of approval and outright scorn from others. The result is a feeling of shame because they aren't accepted for how they are or what they are doing. This result isn't always justified. Intellectually, I can see all this and I'm aware that my reaction to such a recent situation isn't really necessary. Trying to heal psychological wounds on your own, though, is really a difficult thing. I've been reminded again how lucky I am to have compassionate and positive people around me for times like this, and I hope I can be the same kind of support for others. Sometimes in life, people will teach you more about how not to be, and you have to focus on the things you can see that are good.
No comments:
Post a Comment