I try really hard not to complain much about the hard stuff in my life, but there really is something I can't seem to get over. I have to get out, get out of this trap. I have footing on the edge, but the issues with transitioning aren't easily resolved.
This trap I speak of....it is maddening. Living here is hard when you're not "like everyone else." When you're an outsider, you're seen, thought of, and treated differently. Some days you can wave it off and not think much about it. Other days, it's consuming and slammed in your face. What I'm specifically talking about is the "job" we're stuck into. Unfortunately, there isn't much of a way to thrive here as a foreigner. You mostly have to suck it up and take on "the job" every foreigner here is known to do. Eikaiwa. It pays the bills. It lets you live here. It eats at you. Unless you land a fantastically (very rare) awesome company that has a straight-forward system and staff members who are straightforward and completely cooperative, chances are there are some major adjustments you have to make. The biggest problem I have had in the past and continuing until now is the "tate-mae" bullshit. I'm sorry, I think it's Japanese for "I'm-going-to-stab-you-in-the-fucking-back-after-I-smile-and-tell-you-things-are-fine." I've dealt with this issue time and again, and really, it rubs me raw. My problem is that students have the tendency to not take me seriously or even give me the consideration of TRYING to tell me something. Instead, they act as though I am "doing fine," then go and bitch to the higher-ups about me.
First thing is first. If you want to be an ENGLISH TEACHER and you are in an ENGLISH CLASS, then why don't you just TRY to practice a bit of English instead of sulking behind a pathetic and fake mask until you can later spill every frustration you have (which is your fault) in Japanese? I have no pity for you. The problems that you have in class? Not my problem. If you don't tell me, I don't know, and frankly, going to my superiors about it makes me want to help you even less. What a weak way to deal with an issue. You don't even try, you just go and bitch about things after you find a bad taste in your mouth. And then, of course, who gets fingers pointed at them? Me.
The message I've gotten from all this is clear. This, culturally or not, is a display of disrespect. You don't respect me as a person, as a teacher. To you, because I work in the joke called "eikaiwa," I am a product. A service. You are unhappy, so you go state your opinions and rants of dissatisfaction to the customer service center where you paid. You're not going to take the time to think about why you are unhappy, you just want to make demands.
I'm only going to deal with this for so long. The things I've had up until now have made suffering worth it to an extent, but I really do deserve a more dignifying way of life than just a performing, dancing monkey. Yep, I said it. That's all they see me as, and when the audience isn't happy, guess who gets all the crap for it? It's a trickling pyramid of crap, and I'm at the bottom. Always. I always will be. A second-rate citizen, a joke, a clown and a play thing. The people who take me seriously are few and far between mostly. This is why I've been busting my butt to make something better for myself here, I shouldn't have to do this for the rest of my life because the average person here doesn't see me for anything more than an "entertaining introduction to a language."
Some days it's just so damn hard to keep positive. Some days it is painful to smile. But hey...I guess I have to participate in the "tate-mae" bullshit, too. =_=
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Spinning, A Spiral....A Blur.
I've had quite a few updates in the works recently...most everything headed in an unbelievably positive direction. I don't want to sound like I am bragging, but sometimes I really can't believe my fortune. I'm not rich, but I make enough to live comfortably and with a bit of saving, I am able to get most things I want. (also due to the fact that I live with someone who takes care of some expenses, too) To me, that's incredibly lucky, as I am aware of the current financial state of most people nowadays. I have also been blessed with many amazing people in my life. Some of those people keep me going by reminding me how far I've come or encouraging me or believing in things I want to accomplish. Some of those people even go as far as helping laying out steps towards my dreams. I wish so much to do things like that for others. I want to be able to help other people's dreams come true, too.
In recent, I've been given an incredible chance to start working around what I love again. I am still in shock and can't really believe that I've already worked a whole day there and didn't make anyone upset or angry and they want to keep me ^^; Although it's almost an hour and a half away by train, I've been given an incredible start at an animal hospital. Everything is in Japanese, nobody speaks English. It certainly exposes me to the raw parts of learning, but the owner has such a wonderful disposition. Be yourself, ask questions, make suggestions, try. If you have motivation to learn something, anything, that's great and you should do it. Those were some things said to me while the first day was coming to a close. Being told my being in a band is great and I could dye my hair and wear crazy make-up to work if I wanted was something I was not expecting...haha. I know it's going to be a huge challenge, but I really want this to work. If I'm able to do this well,....I'll have accomplished another thing I came here wanting to do.
Yesterday was another practice. My thyroid has been swelling on and off, and so in the morning when I warmed up, everything felt fine. When I got to practice in the afternoon, however, I couldn't get my registers to connect again and I was more than frustrated the first hour of practice. The last set, though, went better, to my relief. After a meeting and confirming our next practice is in October ( T_T), my keyboardist and I returned to the studio. He had bought an incredibly fancy recording microphone. I think I was still so nervous about recording well that my leg tensed up and I did the whole session in an awkward pose, trying to relieve the pain and tension in my knee. This time went better, I think. Not so many re-takes, and we covered all 5 songs instead of only two. I hope the re-recordings are better. I really hope...but the fortunate part of all this is next month is wide open for editing and re-takes. I want to be amazing. I want to show skill as high as everyone else has with their recordings. I know it's different. With an instrument, you can move notes around in editing, but with a voice...there's only so much you can do. Most of it depends on the actual recording. Another things I've come to really notice is there are so many factors...The voice is so transparent. You HAVE TO have confidence ( the hardest thing for me), you have to use emotion, so you have to really feel something to make your voice sound that way. The beauty and curse of being a vocalist is...well, you can express from your experiences and memories, but you'll relive those things forever. Each time you sing that song, you have to re-live it all over again to capture the real emotion you were wanting to use (or rid of). I know this sounds like common knowledge, but applying it is a whole different story. It takes a lot of concentration and soooo much energy. While I sing, my mind if thinking of the lyrics, the technique, the feelings, the sound.... Singing is so great and wonderful, but it's also exhausting sometimes ^^;
After finishing, we wandered around a bit and found a restaurant to eat at. We had some much needed talk and again, I was re-motivated and assured of things. I have so many worries in my mind right now about where we're going. I feel my improvement is slowed when we don't practice, but being told that I have improved and I've been doing much better makes me feel more determined to do what I can here on my own until next time. At least next practice, there are many things to look forward to! Our leader will be back in the studio with us! We'll have new songs to practice! We'll have a drinking party after practice! We have to decide when and where to have our show. Probably in December. Finding a livehouse is a bit difficult...most of us want to try Osaka. I want to try Osaka, but I really want to be good this time. I have so much to work on before this show, and so little time to improve. I feel like there are many factors in this, I can't fail. I was told yesterday, "you can do it. You're even better than before. You've already done a show. I know you can do it!" I still feel like I am balancing on the edge, though. With many things...I'm on the edge of either something great or great failure. The propensity of my mind's thought pattern has kept me awake most nights because I just can't shut it off.
I've looked at some recently signed indies bands and I've come to the conclusion that usually record labels don't look at you here unless you've been around over two years. If I could just overcome the insecurities I feel around my guitarist...if only I knew what he was thinking sometimes, if only I could make him really want to stay. I feel like his decision relies on how I do. I need to be good, really good in order to win him over. This winter show is "the test," I feel. So....pressure. I feel lots of it. But I really love the thought of prospects of the future coming to life. I'm still not really sure how to think or feel right now, I think it's my mind's self-defense trying to take caution. For now, there's lots to improve and lots to reach for...I just have to really focus! Focus...>_<;
In recent, I've been given an incredible chance to start working around what I love again. I am still in shock and can't really believe that I've already worked a whole day there and didn't make anyone upset or angry and they want to keep me ^^; Although it's almost an hour and a half away by train, I've been given an incredible start at an animal hospital. Everything is in Japanese, nobody speaks English. It certainly exposes me to the raw parts of learning, but the owner has such a wonderful disposition. Be yourself, ask questions, make suggestions, try. If you have motivation to learn something, anything, that's great and you should do it. Those were some things said to me while the first day was coming to a close. Being told my being in a band is great and I could dye my hair and wear crazy make-up to work if I wanted was something I was not expecting...haha. I know it's going to be a huge challenge, but I really want this to work. If I'm able to do this well,....I'll have accomplished another thing I came here wanting to do.
Yesterday was another practice. My thyroid has been swelling on and off, and so in the morning when I warmed up, everything felt fine. When I got to practice in the afternoon, however, I couldn't get my registers to connect again and I was more than frustrated the first hour of practice. The last set, though, went better, to my relief. After a meeting and confirming our next practice is in October ( T_T), my keyboardist and I returned to the studio. He had bought an incredibly fancy recording microphone. I think I was still so nervous about recording well that my leg tensed up and I did the whole session in an awkward pose, trying to relieve the pain and tension in my knee. This time went better, I think. Not so many re-takes, and we covered all 5 songs instead of only two. I hope the re-recordings are better. I really hope...but the fortunate part of all this is next month is wide open for editing and re-takes. I want to be amazing. I want to show skill as high as everyone else has with their recordings. I know it's different. With an instrument, you can move notes around in editing, but with a voice...there's only so much you can do. Most of it depends on the actual recording. Another things I've come to really notice is there are so many factors...The voice is so transparent. You HAVE TO have confidence ( the hardest thing for me), you have to use emotion, so you have to really feel something to make your voice sound that way. The beauty and curse of being a vocalist is...well, you can express from your experiences and memories, but you'll relive those things forever. Each time you sing that song, you have to re-live it all over again to capture the real emotion you were wanting to use (or rid of). I know this sounds like common knowledge, but applying it is a whole different story. It takes a lot of concentration and soooo much energy. While I sing, my mind if thinking of the lyrics, the technique, the feelings, the sound.... Singing is so great and wonderful, but it's also exhausting sometimes ^^;
After finishing, we wandered around a bit and found a restaurant to eat at. We had some much needed talk and again, I was re-motivated and assured of things. I have so many worries in my mind right now about where we're going. I feel my improvement is slowed when we don't practice, but being told that I have improved and I've been doing much better makes me feel more determined to do what I can here on my own until next time. At least next practice, there are many things to look forward to! Our leader will be back in the studio with us! We'll have new songs to practice! We'll have a drinking party after practice! We have to decide when and where to have our show. Probably in December. Finding a livehouse is a bit difficult...most of us want to try Osaka. I want to try Osaka, but I really want to be good this time. I have so much to work on before this show, and so little time to improve. I feel like there are many factors in this, I can't fail. I was told yesterday, "you can do it. You're even better than before. You've already done a show. I know you can do it!" I still feel like I am balancing on the edge, though. With many things...I'm on the edge of either something great or great failure. The propensity of my mind's thought pattern has kept me awake most nights because I just can't shut it off.
I've looked at some recently signed indies bands and I've come to the conclusion that usually record labels don't look at you here unless you've been around over two years. If I could just overcome the insecurities I feel around my guitarist...if only I knew what he was thinking sometimes, if only I could make him really want to stay. I feel like his decision relies on how I do. I need to be good, really good in order to win him over. This winter show is "the test," I feel. So....pressure. I feel lots of it. But I really love the thought of prospects of the future coming to life. I'm still not really sure how to think or feel right now, I think it's my mind's self-defense trying to take caution. For now, there's lots to improve and lots to reach for...I just have to really focus! Focus...>_<;
Thursday, August 9, 2012
In a Land of Confuzzlement and Triumph
As of late, there has been much confusion with just about everything (no surprise, right? ^^; )I'm not sure how I feel about a lot of things. Some days, I find I'm just so stressed out and mad at myself that I wonder how I can change. I still have a lot of self-hate and frustration that I carry with me every day. Some days I can ignore it, some days it consumes me and it's so hard for me to act like everything is okay. But even if I'm battling myself again, I can at least see the wonderful things that I have in my life. I'm still incredibly lucky with where I am and who I have around me. My friends both in Japan and America are nothing short of amazing and wonderful.
Living here can be scary, though. I've been pursued by the crazy lady a few more times...I'm more than convinced that she has a form of paranoid schizophrenia with a dissociative fugue co-morbid with some kind of drug abuse (alcohol). I have many reasons to assume this, mostly due to her observed behavior, both when she's been in my face screaming and grabbing as well as when I've identified her at a distance. I try not to take the attacks personally, but when I have feelings of not being safe and having to look over my shoulder constantly on my way home at night, it brings back memories I've tried forgetting from a past that just didn't treat me very well. It's interesting how we re-live our fears and panic in similar ways but in different situations. I feel a little helpless because my language ability is so limited. I sometimes wonder what would happen if she really did manage to attack me and if I could really get someone to help. For now, it's a sick game of duck/hide/ or run.
A lot of my frustrations, though, come from lack of clarity and being told more information after the fact. After I've messed up or failed without having had a chance to NOT fail. I'm the kind of person who needs to understand expectations and guidelines before acting, or else I'll most definitely disappoint. It's so frustrating when I'm trying my hardest to make so many different people happy and I don't really know what they want from me. I can see the disappointment drift in and out of their expressions and all I can try to think is that part of it really isn't my fault. I'm trying to be positive and not blame things partially out of my control entirely on myself...I'm trying..... but in the back of my mind, I continue to think that where I am now, the things that are making me unhappy, it's my fault. It's my fault that I'm stuck in a certain place because I haven't improved. It's my fault for not being more fluent and my fault for taking on things that I can't handle gracefully. I think the complex I have can come out when I feel like my students are giving me more than I can give them as a teacher. I feel bad...I'm not good at this. I'm not a natural teacher and although I want to be able to provide answers, I can't.
Some days, though, all of these things don't pile so high on my conscience. Some times, I'm taught something new and wonderful by someone really kind or understanding...sometimes I feel like I can learn more and I feel more motivated to push forward harder. Some days I see things that really make me laugh...like my boss tap-dancing out the door and down the stairs of our work building to shuffle a cockroach away from the office. XD Or a student presentation in English that resembles more of a manzai skit than a serious effort to use a different language. I try to keep in mind something one of my band leaders told me awhile back, "do something you love or think of something that makes you laugh every day." This has really helped me more than he'll ever know. I only hope to become as great of a person as the people I have around me. I've said before that I want to work to change or help people through music...I've written so many lyrics recently, but I wonder sometimes if my words would mean anything to someone else. I'm sure, though, that there will be someone somewhere who may need them someday...that's my hope, at least. ^_^;
My leader has been working hard to try to promote us in Italy. I truly admire her. I know if I were in her position here, I might be too intimidated because I feel most of the time, when I try speaking, I can't say what I need to or want to and I leave people feeling confused. The problem with trying to learn on your own is when using a dictionary....it doesn't tell you if it's a bad word or rarely used or only written.. =_=; I say so many things that are unnecessary or outright strange.But at least with all the translating I've had to do, I think I am learning a little more...and the fact that they need me to re-word things in English, I feel more like a contributing member again. I can't wait for the 26th! It's another awesome day of band practice but also a recording day...I'm back on a diet and strict practice again...let's cross our fingers that I can build up my voice decently for our next cd! ^.^
Living here can be scary, though. I've been pursued by the crazy lady a few more times...I'm more than convinced that she has a form of paranoid schizophrenia with a dissociative fugue co-morbid with some kind of drug abuse (alcohol). I have many reasons to assume this, mostly due to her observed behavior, both when she's been in my face screaming and grabbing as well as when I've identified her at a distance. I try not to take the attacks personally, but when I have feelings of not being safe and having to look over my shoulder constantly on my way home at night, it brings back memories I've tried forgetting from a past that just didn't treat me very well. It's interesting how we re-live our fears and panic in similar ways but in different situations. I feel a little helpless because my language ability is so limited. I sometimes wonder what would happen if she really did manage to attack me and if I could really get someone to help. For now, it's a sick game of duck/hide/ or run.
A lot of my frustrations, though, come from lack of clarity and being told more information after the fact. After I've messed up or failed without having had a chance to NOT fail. I'm the kind of person who needs to understand expectations and guidelines before acting, or else I'll most definitely disappoint. It's so frustrating when I'm trying my hardest to make so many different people happy and I don't really know what they want from me. I can see the disappointment drift in and out of their expressions and all I can try to think is that part of it really isn't my fault. I'm trying to be positive and not blame things partially out of my control entirely on myself...I'm trying..... but in the back of my mind, I continue to think that where I am now, the things that are making me unhappy, it's my fault. It's my fault that I'm stuck in a certain place because I haven't improved. It's my fault for not being more fluent and my fault for taking on things that I can't handle gracefully. I think the complex I have can come out when I feel like my students are giving me more than I can give them as a teacher. I feel bad...I'm not good at this. I'm not a natural teacher and although I want to be able to provide answers, I can't.
Some days, though, all of these things don't pile so high on my conscience. Some times, I'm taught something new and wonderful by someone really kind or understanding...sometimes I feel like I can learn more and I feel more motivated to push forward harder. Some days I see things that really make me laugh...like my boss tap-dancing out the door and down the stairs of our work building to shuffle a cockroach away from the office. XD Or a student presentation in English that resembles more of a manzai skit than a serious effort to use a different language. I try to keep in mind something one of my band leaders told me awhile back, "do something you love or think of something that makes you laugh every day." This has really helped me more than he'll ever know. I only hope to become as great of a person as the people I have around me. I've said before that I want to work to change or help people through music...I've written so many lyrics recently, but I wonder sometimes if my words would mean anything to someone else. I'm sure, though, that there will be someone somewhere who may need them someday...that's my hope, at least. ^_^;
My leader has been working hard to try to promote us in Italy. I truly admire her. I know if I were in her position here, I might be too intimidated because I feel most of the time, when I try speaking, I can't say what I need to or want to and I leave people feeling confused. The problem with trying to learn on your own is when using a dictionary....it doesn't tell you if it's a bad word or rarely used or only written.. =_=; I say so many things that are unnecessary or outright strange.But at least with all the translating I've had to do, I think I am learning a little more...and the fact that they need me to re-word things in English, I feel more like a contributing member again. I can't wait for the 26th! It's another awesome day of band practice but also a recording day...I'm back on a diet and strict practice again...let's cross our fingers that I can build up my voice decently for our next cd! ^.^
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