This has been put off for a long time because of how hectic my life is, but I'd like to share what I've gone through. Something interesting happened to me over the past three months. I went from being really physically, emotionally, and mentally ill to learning how to rebuild everything into something stronger and more dependent upon my own person. The whole whole death of my "self-esteem and image" experience was nothing short of fascinating. It has been the hardest thing I've had to face. Realizing nobody could save me from whatever I saw in the mirror or heard in my head was a shocking thing I had to first accept. Learning what and who I was going to be all on my own and changing the voice in my head and how I think about things was and still is such a intricate and difficult process, but it's not impossible. Here are my previous thoughts:
10/21
So again, writing about changes..... So after over three weeks of being ill, I'm slowly recovering. I honestly believe part of my delayed recuperation is due to the beating my heart/soul/mind has taken. How did I get here? How did I become so weak? How can I fight my way out of this all alone? Yes....all alone. I've realized recently with certain events that nobody can save me from drowning...in fact, it's already happened. No one has tried to even reach to pull me out of the water, really.... I've felt betrayed by myself and my stupidity in wanting to lean too much on others. I've been poisoned and my lack of ability to detach has caused detriment around me. The results?
My visa issue that is yet unresolved has been shrugged off like a minor issue by people I thought might take more caution with my panicking. The challenges I face in now working in a place (it's still my dream job!!) that has scathed every small progress I've made psychologically because I can't get any validation when I'm making mistakes every moment of the day and can't understand/say everything I want to. My fragility has allowed everything to boil down to the "last chance." So here I stand, zero self-confidence and anguished over thoughts of losing everything I came here for. My new schedule of waking up at 5:20 AM and coming home around 10:30...well, I'm not adjusting because I can't sleep. What I'm realizing though, is this is all because of the problem in my sick mind. The mind nobody can seem to relate to and nobody can drown out.
I'm tired of being the weakest at everything. I'm not sure exactly how everything has reduced me to this, but I know now there are no hands to reach out for. My band demands that I either give it all or leave. What exactly is my problem? What the hell am I holding onto? What am I holding back? The other person in me, the one I'm supposed to be, is screaming....
That's where the complex comes in. In order to be the stronger person, the weaker one has to die.
10/30
It's interesting to me how much progress I've made since I tried to start writing about all of these problems. I still have yet to prove myself and really be who and what I've been working hard to become, but...I at least feel closer to where I should be headed. I have so many great people in my life...so many people I owe, so many people who have helped me climb back to my feet. I'm still stumbling and some days are so much harder than others because I'm still working on changing the voice in my head. If I still have a chance, though, I should at least give all I have like it's the last of everything. I'm really getting to understand what it's like to "live like you're dying." It's really my time to grow and become a better person than what I had succumbed to. Rebirth is a painful process, but I'm trying to see all the beauty surrounding the process. In changing how I view my own failures, and challenges I face, I'm slowly building a better inner voice and a nicer reflection. My conscious efforts, when taken into action, make a difference. As small and invisible to others as it is, I can at least feel the changes taking place. I will admit that I still falter and I have moments where I waver, but that's because what I'm building is still new and weak. I can see, though, that if I make it through and take this chance to grow, I'll really be more worthy of things to come. Facing adversity and hardship now means braving more waters ahead and taking on more heat with more grace later.
I am still scared out of my mind sometimes, but if I can just let go and push through...
******
So, I've done a lot of self help research and interesting psychology studying and a lot of listening to people I care about who care about me, and I have to say, even though I'm not at 100% yet, I've been doing pretty well.
This whole experience has taught me that the human mind is so very powerful and it's up to a person to decide how to find a way out of whatever situation they come to be trapped in. I'm slowly learning more about the art of letting go...and also, as one friend once told me "lyrics are a great way to start to understand yourself." Looking at the two songs I wrote all the words to, it's really like I've been trying to save myself all this time. The good thing about something like that, though, is maybe it can mean something for someone else and help them in some way, too.
Working for an actual Japanese company with Japanese all the time, I'm learning more and more about what Japanese culture is really like. I'm so lucky to be working for someone who pushes me to take on more challenges, though. Someone who believes I can and will do things and that anything I'm wanting is possible.
As far as performing goes...my next show is in two weeks and I'm actually starting to get excited! (not just nervous) We'll be playing at the same venue, this time on the night an indies band I used to listen to plays (which is a feeling I haven't quite gotten used to >_<;). These guys are hardcore and extreme...they're not the average VK people think of...they have more of a genre with "noise" and the lead singer either sets a part of his body on fire, breaks something, or mutilates himself while performing. My guitarist has played with them before and warned me about how dangerous they are. This. Should be. Interesting.
With events like this happening in my life, how can I not try harder to strive farther and want to be more amazing? Someday I really want to do great things in the world of music! For now, I'm really trying to soak up what I can and enjoy the ride and learn more about who I want to be ^.^
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Thursday, September 27, 2012
I Am NOT A Robot Monkey...... Pt.2
9/20
There was a meeting...if you can call it that. More like a disorganized and lopsided convening of "I have done blah blah blah, I'm so damn accomplished blah" from one end, and accusations,avoidance, and dismissiveness on the other. I tried so hard to maintain composure as I was drilled with retarded and irrelevant questions. I responded. I even repeated myself several times....but what got to me is that I asked the same question 5 times and it wasn't given an answer. It was laughed at, scoffed at, then berated at with more "me, me, me...I've done this...blahblah" bullshit. What exactly was the point of participating in any part of the meeting? My formalities and greetings were pointed out, laughed at, and criticized. Questions were deflected as usual, and then blame was moved of course over to me and away from the actual problem. It's my fault they didn't respond to an email 2 weeks prior to a class because I managed to "ignore what they agreed on in a meeting and make a lesson based on something they didn't want to use." Oh. Okay. My fault entirely that there was not only no response verbally (something EASY) or written, and the plans were disregarded and ill-formed and the class wasn't planned until the day-of. Ok, my fault. ^__^ Oh...and it's my fault I don't take an hour break on Wednesdays because my schedule is literally crammed full with class stacked after class...yeah, because I have control of my schedule, that's my fault. I see a great and awesome pattern here. So why don't I consult and ask more questions? Why don't I confirm information? Hmmmm.... I *do* believe this is something I have written about repeatedly. What a hypocritical, dim-witted, avoidant, rude, irresponsible and irrational person I've come to let myself work for. Amazing....I'm so stressed that two out of three work days this week, my body decided to start the day by puking. Yep. Ralphing in the morning....it's time to stop.Let's just see if the boat floats after I jump ship. If I were so damn "important," you'd think they would treat me better...you know, like a human. A respectable person with experience and intellect that is valuable when it comes to maintaining classes and student satisfaction. But soon...very soon...I plan to find my way out of this suffocating joke and step away...far away from what misery they seem to think I should be consumed by. Whatever has possessed them to think I deserve disrespect and ridicule and insignificant criticism on a regular and constant basis, well, 'tis their disease to rid of or die of. I pity the fools that really believe that I'm truly buying and eating all this bullshit from their spoon.
9/22
I am hopeful of progress. I see the makings of my escape. Yesterday was spent with some wonderful people, people who are not just my soon-to-be- former students, but people who have really genuinely cared and taken care of me better than I have been able to for them. I was completely decisive from my wonderful "consultation," and more information was brought to light for me that made my blood boil. Apparently, after the meeting, a job availability was posted online for a position at this company. Offering higher than they are willing to pay me. After they told me they couldn't pay me what they previously had agreed to. Lies....they keep growing. And multiplying. I feel like there's an exponential procreation right over my head among the twisted verbal abuse and manipulation. I feel even more sick.....but back to the good stuff!
So, these wonderful people spent time trying to console me, help me, even cheer me up and make me laugh. Some of them accompanied me to my destination, which in turn put things into the works....And faster than I had thought. I came in to work (the good job) today and found that the doctor had typed up a contract in hopes of supporting my transition under the same visa. I'm truly moved by this quick and sincere action and truly grateful to be working here....my co-workers asked me a bit about my current predicament. I was more than comforted when I saw their reactions of sighs of "さやく。。。" (that's/she's the worst ) and contorted expressions of mixed concern and disgust. Yeah, I don't understand the treatment either...but at least I have my friends and these new co-workers there behind me. After lunch we resumed grooming...today we had the joy of bathing and trimming a cat.
If you can imagine the hilarity in putting a fluffy cat in a full-on head mask then two e-collars and splaying it out on a table as it hissed, roared, screamed and growled in rage, well...imagine holding one down for about half and hour. At first there was the initial trim, and then the bath. When we moved the cat over to the washing rack and it lay screaming and spitting in the agony of being wet, then one of my co-workers looked over me and laughed, saying, "So, this is like your boss?" To add to the comedy, the cat raised its head in our direction and let out an angry yowl. I couldn't help but laugh and say yes. It's helped me so much, the people in my life right now....some of them give me advice of being "blind and deaf" to certain things so that my thoughts aren't overly plagued. Some have told me they'll do all they can to make sure I can leave. Others just do the great service of listening and being there. I have much fortune....I know I am lucky in many ways. I just need to be able to make this last leap to freedom.
So....I'm holding my breath. This week...determines what I do next. >_<;
9/25
So, yesterday was a success in more ways than one. I managed to find immigration and talked with officials there. They were very surprised I was there to update and change things with my visa before quitting. "So...it's okay to quit?" I kept repeating my question, wide-eyed. The official laughed a little, a bit stunned at my eagerness to process everything before due time. He told me to wait for a moment and then explained again to me that I can quit and then change jobs. After that (in at least a month's time) I can go to immigration with the new company's information and handed me paperwork for later. So....I can leave? I CAN!!! Freedom! The feeling of liberation is incredible. I know I am still not out of the water quite yet, but at least I am reaching the shore of opportunity.
Today was another "performance," where my students and I participated in antics at a kindergarten. The place was great, though...they even had birds and bunny rabbits and fish living in the open garden in center of the school near a pool and amongst flowers and trees. I joked that I wanted to go there as a student to learn...but really, it would be a great place to be if I were able to! ^^ Well, of course, in spite of last-minute changes from the day before (...no surprise there) at the discretion of the...management....my students did wonderfully in their performance as well as conducting the flow of the production and later activities. Actually, before and after, I had the great experience of riding on a motorcycle!!!
I have always wanted to...I'm lucky to have a friend who was able and willing to let me try riding as a passenger today. The weather was perfect....cool Fall breezes warmed by the sun, the sky bright and blue and clear with the occasional fluffy cloud...as I gripped his belt tightly, I tried to keep relaxed. I leaned in the same direction when turning and enjoyed every long stretch of road where we sped up...but I was able to look around at the rice fields and rivers and mountains of Nara and really appreciate my life again in a moment of simplicity...I haven't felt that calm, simple peacefulness for awhile. It was so wonderful. I'd like to believe that things are really about to turn for the better again and the sickness that has plagued me will leave and I can thrive as a person again. I know, with everyone's recent support I really am doing the right thing, the thing that's best for me. For the sake of myself and those around me, I'm going through with this! I'll be better physically and mentally and I'll be stronger and more able soon. I hope to give my all to my new job and the next steps towards what lies ahead....including with Chronos!!!
9/27
My body has finally had enough...I felt today as if it were officially going to give out on me. The panic dancing in my blood, I fought with my own consciousness all day. I admittedly didn't eat anything after ralphing 3 times today... =_= this stress thing has truly been blown out of control. My throat is sore, red, swollen...my body aching all over...maybe I finally really got sick and it's not all a psychosomatic meltdown. Tomorrow, the doctor shall give the verdict!
Well, on to my exciting roller-coaster-of-a-day... I had my last class with my favorite students...the ones who have done for and given me more than I feel I could give to them. All of these people have really given me the strength to carry through my decision and believe in what's right for me. I want so badly to be able to have more power to do good things for them.... We finished our tearful and long "farewells" and then closed with more songs..."Let it Be"...it really got to me...I looked around at all of their faces and cried more. I can't ever explain the love I have for them all, but this group of people was definitely different from any I have met before.
After a last wave, I had to proceed with my next class. The whole time, my heart beat fast... I tried to keep calm all the way past the end. I am pretty sure, though, with how self-absorbed they were, nobody noticed. Nobody ever does notice...^^; Well, this was to my benefit today. I went through my plan accordingly and signed my "love letter" and left it on top of the computer and left.
As I hastily walked towards the station, I was a bit perplexed. I thought liberation and freedom felt different than nausea....Oh.Yeah. For some odd reason, I still felt an immense amount of guilt....I'm overly cautious and overly concerned for people who really do not care much about me at all. I worry about how my actions and decisions affect others all the time...and so, even though I know I am right in doing what I need to for ME, I still have residual feelings of agony. Well, I am sure it will wane soon...I had the fortune of coming up behind a group of my students at the station. It was so relieving to have a group of people there to welcome and support me in the final moments of my decisive action. I felt faint, like I suddenly had no power left to stand, but I managed to hold most of my composure around them until I was safely on a train headed home. When I sat down, my mind literally went blank. I think for now, my body is in hardcore recovery mode....
There was a meeting...if you can call it that. More like a disorganized and lopsided convening of "I have done blah blah blah, I'm so damn accomplished blah" from one end, and accusations,avoidance, and dismissiveness on the other. I tried so hard to maintain composure as I was drilled with retarded and irrelevant questions. I responded. I even repeated myself several times....but what got to me is that I asked the same question 5 times and it wasn't given an answer. It was laughed at, scoffed at, then berated at with more "me, me, me...I've done this...blahblah" bullshit. What exactly was the point of participating in any part of the meeting? My formalities and greetings were pointed out, laughed at, and criticized. Questions were deflected as usual, and then blame was moved of course over to me and away from the actual problem. It's my fault they didn't respond to an email 2 weeks prior to a class because I managed to "ignore what they agreed on in a meeting and make a lesson based on something they didn't want to use." Oh. Okay. My fault entirely that there was not only no response verbally (something EASY) or written, and the plans were disregarded and ill-formed and the class wasn't planned until the day-of. Ok, my fault. ^__^ Oh...and it's my fault I don't take an hour break on Wednesdays because my schedule is literally crammed full with class stacked after class...yeah, because I have control of my schedule, that's my fault. I see a great and awesome pattern here. So why don't I consult and ask more questions? Why don't I confirm information? Hmmmm.... I *do* believe this is something I have written about repeatedly. What a hypocritical, dim-witted, avoidant, rude, irresponsible and irrational person I've come to let myself work for. Amazing....I'm so stressed that two out of three work days this week, my body decided to start the day by puking. Yep. Ralphing in the morning....it's time to stop.Let's just see if the boat floats after I jump ship. If I were so damn "important," you'd think they would treat me better...you know, like a human. A respectable person with experience and intellect that is valuable when it comes to maintaining classes and student satisfaction. But soon...very soon...I plan to find my way out of this suffocating joke and step away...far away from what misery they seem to think I should be consumed by. Whatever has possessed them to think I deserve disrespect and ridicule and insignificant criticism on a regular and constant basis, well, 'tis their disease to rid of or die of. I pity the fools that really believe that I'm truly buying and eating all this bullshit from their spoon.
9/22
I am hopeful of progress. I see the makings of my escape. Yesterday was spent with some wonderful people, people who are not just my soon-to-be- former students, but people who have really genuinely cared and taken care of me better than I have been able to for them. I was completely decisive from my wonderful "consultation," and more information was brought to light for me that made my blood boil. Apparently, after the meeting, a job availability was posted online for a position at this company. Offering higher than they are willing to pay me. After they told me they couldn't pay me what they previously had agreed to. Lies....they keep growing. And multiplying. I feel like there's an exponential procreation right over my head among the twisted verbal abuse and manipulation. I feel even more sick.....but back to the good stuff!
So, these wonderful people spent time trying to console me, help me, even cheer me up and make me laugh. Some of them accompanied me to my destination, which in turn put things into the works....And faster than I had thought. I came in to work (the good job) today and found that the doctor had typed up a contract in hopes of supporting my transition under the same visa. I'm truly moved by this quick and sincere action and truly grateful to be working here....my co-workers asked me a bit about my current predicament. I was more than comforted when I saw their reactions of sighs of "さやく。。。" (that's/she's the worst ) and contorted expressions of mixed concern and disgust. Yeah, I don't understand the treatment either...but at least I have my friends and these new co-workers there behind me. After lunch we resumed grooming...today we had the joy of bathing and trimming a cat.
If you can imagine the hilarity in putting a fluffy cat in a full-on head mask then two e-collars and splaying it out on a table as it hissed, roared, screamed and growled in rage, well...imagine holding one down for about half and hour. At first there was the initial trim, and then the bath. When we moved the cat over to the washing rack and it lay screaming and spitting in the agony of being wet, then one of my co-workers looked over me and laughed, saying, "So, this is like your boss?" To add to the comedy, the cat raised its head in our direction and let out an angry yowl. I couldn't help but laugh and say yes. It's helped me so much, the people in my life right now....some of them give me advice of being "blind and deaf" to certain things so that my thoughts aren't overly plagued. Some have told me they'll do all they can to make sure I can leave. Others just do the great service of listening and being there. I have much fortune....I know I am lucky in many ways. I just need to be able to make this last leap to freedom.
So....I'm holding my breath. This week...determines what I do next. >_<;
9/25
So, yesterday was a success in more ways than one. I managed to find immigration and talked with officials there. They were very surprised I was there to update and change things with my visa before quitting. "So...it's okay to quit?" I kept repeating my question, wide-eyed. The official laughed a little, a bit stunned at my eagerness to process everything before due time. He told me to wait for a moment and then explained again to me that I can quit and then change jobs. After that (in at least a month's time) I can go to immigration with the new company's information and handed me paperwork for later. So....I can leave? I CAN!!! Freedom! The feeling of liberation is incredible. I know I am still not out of the water quite yet, but at least I am reaching the shore of opportunity.
Today was another "performance," where my students and I participated in antics at a kindergarten. The place was great, though...they even had birds and bunny rabbits and fish living in the open garden in center of the school near a pool and amongst flowers and trees. I joked that I wanted to go there as a student to learn...but really, it would be a great place to be if I were able to! ^^ Well, of course, in spite of last-minute changes from the day before (...no surprise there) at the discretion of the...management....my students did wonderfully in their performance as well as conducting the flow of the production and later activities. Actually, before and after, I had the great experience of riding on a motorcycle!!!
I have always wanted to...I'm lucky to have a friend who was able and willing to let me try riding as a passenger today. The weather was perfect....cool Fall breezes warmed by the sun, the sky bright and blue and clear with the occasional fluffy cloud...as I gripped his belt tightly, I tried to keep relaxed. I leaned in the same direction when turning and enjoyed every long stretch of road where we sped up...but I was able to look around at the rice fields and rivers and mountains of Nara and really appreciate my life again in a moment of simplicity...I haven't felt that calm, simple peacefulness for awhile. It was so wonderful. I'd like to believe that things are really about to turn for the better again and the sickness that has plagued me will leave and I can thrive as a person again. I know, with everyone's recent support I really am doing the right thing, the thing that's best for me. For the sake of myself and those around me, I'm going through with this! I'll be better physically and mentally and I'll be stronger and more able soon. I hope to give my all to my new job and the next steps towards what lies ahead....including with Chronos!!!
9/27
My body has finally had enough...I felt today as if it were officially going to give out on me. The panic dancing in my blood, I fought with my own consciousness all day. I admittedly didn't eat anything after ralphing 3 times today... =_= this stress thing has truly been blown out of control. My throat is sore, red, swollen...my body aching all over...maybe I finally really got sick and it's not all a psychosomatic meltdown. Tomorrow, the doctor shall give the verdict!
Well, on to my exciting roller-coaster-of-a-day... I had my last class with my favorite students...the ones who have done for and given me more than I feel I could give to them. All of these people have really given me the strength to carry through my decision and believe in what's right for me. I want so badly to be able to have more power to do good things for them.... We finished our tearful and long "farewells" and then closed with more songs..."Let it Be"...it really got to me...I looked around at all of their faces and cried more. I can't ever explain the love I have for them all, but this group of people was definitely different from any I have met before.
After a last wave, I had to proceed with my next class. The whole time, my heart beat fast... I tried to keep calm all the way past the end. I am pretty sure, though, with how self-absorbed they were, nobody noticed. Nobody ever does notice...^^; Well, this was to my benefit today. I went through my plan accordingly and signed my "love letter" and left it on top of the computer and left.
As I hastily walked towards the station, I was a bit perplexed. I thought liberation and freedom felt different than nausea....Oh.Yeah. For some odd reason, I still felt an immense amount of guilt....I'm overly cautious and overly concerned for people who really do not care much about me at all. I worry about how my actions and decisions affect others all the time...and so, even though I know I am right in doing what I need to for ME, I still have residual feelings of agony. Well, I am sure it will wane soon...I had the fortune of coming up behind a group of my students at the station. It was so relieving to have a group of people there to welcome and support me in the final moments of my decisive action. I felt faint, like I suddenly had no power left to stand, but I managed to hold most of my composure around them until I was safely on a train headed home. When I sat down, my mind literally went blank. I think for now, my body is in hardcore recovery mode....
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
I Am NOT A Robot Monkey....Pt.1
I am ashamed to say that my own pain and suffering has made me blind to the greater problems of others around me. The injuries I have been carrying have made me more selfish and unaware. I've come to a point again in my life where I feel precariously balanced on the edge and I can't seem to push forward or back in any direction. I see now how people slip through the cracks or go over the edge...how
one can be pushed too hard or far all at once and can't hold on. I'm
really getting a taste of what that reality is like. So here I am,
entangled, entwined with what threads are left, reaching for the next
thing to grasp so that I may let go and move in a direction where I can
someday be closer to what and who I want to become. For now, though, I must....wait. As I wait, though, there are fragments falling, and I can't seem to reach out and prevent the falling of any of them.
I am on the verge of taking a huge risk again, betting all I can and placing faith in something uncertain. It's scary being able to only stare at vague details....However, I have come to realize that I am really not free here. As an individual, I am in fact a second-class citizen seemingly caged in a carved out space. I refuse to abide, though. When one faces challenges and one is given few choices to make, there are two that stand out above all. To give in or....to become more creative. Creativity has always made my life worth living, so.....it's time to accept another challenge and see if I can really make it through the loophole.
My next step has been clarified in so many ways... so many people sending me the same messages to move on from the containment I've found myself trapped in. "Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy." The predicament I'm in serves me in no areas of growth, happiness, or health for that matter. I have been sick for over a month now, my body exhibiting extreme signs of stress and rejection. I have had flu- like symptoms yet I know it's not the flu. I have tension headaches at least once a week. Panic attacks weekly, toxic dreams nightly...a constant tightened knot in my chest, my body aches and is so tired, I've started falling asleep on the train again.
My leader insists that I find a way out. "You can't do anything if you're dead. You can do many, many things if you live, though. Sometimes you have to leave, walk away...even run. But the band is your job, too. For the fans, for us, leave that place. They aren't just taking from you, they're taking away from us. From your fans. From your loved ones." That really sealed it. I can't do this selfishly, even if I feel pain...but to take away from my loved ones, I can't tolerate that....Fine. It's not selfish. It's for the greater good that I leave. I know it sounds foolish for me to go on like this in increasingly poor health if not having a reason other than myself, but...well, it's just a strong part of my nature to give.... but giving, and giving, and being taken from constantly...well, it has worn away at me. What reason have I to give any more? My current position is one of the most thankless jobs I have ever had. Such ungratefulness and outright disregard for me as a human. It's ridiculous, really. I hope to laugh someday. I hope to laugh hard and long about this....but for now I am a wreck of anxiety and uncertainty. How dare they take advantage of me. How dare they constantly make demands without an ounce of respect. How dare they think I will continue to perform unquestioningly. I'm not a robot. I'm not a circus animal....I'M NOT A FUCKING ROBOT MONKEY!!! Inwardly, these things scream, yet I must remain silent. I'm intelligent and free-thinking and valuable, despite how I am treated right now. The friction continues to grow...it's all a matter of time until the match is lit and thrown...only a matter of time until the conflagration burns away what I tried to salvage. For now, I must try harder to look past my weakness and onto what great things I do have and perhaps what more I can do for others instead of focusing too much on this current wreck (me).
I am on the verge of taking a huge risk again, betting all I can and placing faith in something uncertain. It's scary being able to only stare at vague details....However, I have come to realize that I am really not free here. As an individual, I am in fact a second-class citizen seemingly caged in a carved out space. I refuse to abide, though. When one faces challenges and one is given few choices to make, there are two that stand out above all. To give in or....to become more creative. Creativity has always made my life worth living, so.....it's time to accept another challenge and see if I can really make it through the loophole.
My next step has been clarified in so many ways... so many people sending me the same messages to move on from the containment I've found myself trapped in. "Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy." The predicament I'm in serves me in no areas of growth, happiness, or health for that matter. I have been sick for over a month now, my body exhibiting extreme signs of stress and rejection. I have had flu- like symptoms yet I know it's not the flu. I have tension headaches at least once a week. Panic attacks weekly, toxic dreams nightly...a constant tightened knot in my chest, my body aches and is so tired, I've started falling asleep on the train again.
My leader insists that I find a way out. "You can't do anything if you're dead. You can do many, many things if you live, though. Sometimes you have to leave, walk away...even run. But the band is your job, too. For the fans, for us, leave that place. They aren't just taking from you, they're taking away from us. From your fans. From your loved ones." That really sealed it. I can't do this selfishly, even if I feel pain...but to take away from my loved ones, I can't tolerate that....Fine. It's not selfish. It's for the greater good that I leave. I know it sounds foolish for me to go on like this in increasingly poor health if not having a reason other than myself, but...well, it's just a strong part of my nature to give.... but giving, and giving, and being taken from constantly...well, it has worn away at me. What reason have I to give any more? My current position is one of the most thankless jobs I have ever had. Such ungratefulness and outright disregard for me as a human. It's ridiculous, really. I hope to laugh someday. I hope to laugh hard and long about this....but for now I am a wreck of anxiety and uncertainty. How dare they take advantage of me. How dare they constantly make demands without an ounce of respect. How dare they think I will continue to perform unquestioningly. I'm not a robot. I'm not a circus animal....I'M NOT A FUCKING ROBOT MONKEY!!! Inwardly, these things scream, yet I must remain silent. I'm intelligent and free-thinking and valuable, despite how I am treated right now. The friction continues to grow...it's all a matter of time until the match is lit and thrown...only a matter of time until the conflagration burns away what I tried to salvage. For now, I must try harder to look past my weakness and onto what great things I do have and perhaps what more I can do for others instead of focusing too much on this current wreck (me).
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Thoughts of Island-Hopping and Pursuant Guilt
I'm so terribly confused as of how to feel lately. So many good things happening, but also so many complications I am dealing with. First, the good!......
Well, as I mentioned before, I've started working at a place I've only imagined working at. I'm learning many things and what's different here from vet clinics in the US. I'm finding that there are some things I know how to do that aren't done by techs here (the doctor has more control of operations, even small things like shots and blood samples.) and that there are things I'll learn for the first time (like actual grooming!). I think despite the slight barrier in language, things have been going pretty well. I'm learning more words and retaining more information and overall, I can mostly express what I need to ask or say. I know I have a long way to go before I am anywhere near fluent, but the whole immersion thing along with the open attitudes of my coworkers helps a lot. I was left to do most of the evening activities before closing because the other tech left early. It was good to review everything on my own and make sure I understood. I also had the duty of returning dogs who had come in for grooming to their owners. Some were really surprised, some wanted to know more information about me, but nonetheless, the doctor was certainly enjoying it. I could hear him chuckle behind the counter each time I rounded the corner with a client's dog. They genuinely seem to really want to keep me, which makes me happy. I know it might take a bit for me to get everything down in routine, but it's a small facility where everyone seems more like family (something I missed having since Sprayberry).
The band. Things are going great. The interview is in the works...but because it all needs to be in English, I will have to do most of the talking. Luckily, the keyboardist can say some things too so it sounds more balanced ^.^ I am so excited that they'll be playing the show four times next month, and at different times so that my friends in the US might get a chance to hear if they want! I really hope this helps to expose more people to our music and band. What an incredible chance! It makes me excited about practicing more, making good recordings, and prepping for our winter show! Which, I want to mention something....even though it might be common for venues to send messages to a band after playing a show to invite them back for another, I don't find it so common in the US...so when the place we did our first show messaged us about December, I was really excited and flattered. The leaders decided to turn it down, though, because we really want to try Osaka...it's kind of important to spread out at this point with the way things are going. Thinking about all this, though....I feel the butterflies dancing around inside >.<
Okay...and here is what that title is about. I am loyal by nature. Sometimes, unfortunately. I have developed a guilt complex in the past month because of the many different things I feel. I feel grateful for having a job and even though I took a pay cut when I started, it's still an o.k. salary. I feel happy with most of my students. What I feel bad about it how things have changed in my mind. I feel like I've been caught in chaos. I don't understand expectations clearly most of the time, but it's not really my fault. I do what I think is wanted and it turns out to be wrong or someone changes their mind or it's responded to in a negative manner. (For example, I am told to re-confirm information instead of assuming, but the times I do try to confirm something, I am told to "look at the schedule" or something like that. Well...yeah. I did. But I am asking to re-confirm like I was told to do. What's the point if the response is always something along the lines of "don't bother me"? =_= ) It grates on me. I try to fulfill requests, but I feel like 90% of the time it is responded with negativity. The "feedback" I get is never about something good, it's always "you can't do this. This is wrong. This lacks _____." I understand the need for criticism, but ONLY criticism isn't good for growth. I'm so happy I have other people in my life who understand that (thankyouforAWESOMEbandmembersyeeaaaaahhh). The guilt comes in when I feel dread and exhaustion and I really start to feel like I'm not wanting to continue. I work hard. I try.And try. And try...but when there is absolutely no appreciable gain to an individual, it's really demotivating. I am not talking in terms of instant gratification, I'm talking about efforts bearing fruit. This place....well, it's no career...but to be there and have to just "get through the day" sometimes because of how people talk to or about me, well...it's ridiculous. Another thing that has bothered me increasingly is....when it is my off day, it's my OFF DAY. I am busy. Very busy. Outside of work, I'm always doing something. I don't need to think of work 24/7, it's not my job. I am not the manager, I am just a minion. Why, then, am I bothered constantly when it is not a work day for me? I am sent messages on my phone, in my personal e-mail, even on Facebook....This, to me, is an intrusion of personal space, and it stresses me out to the point where I don't sleep well, I can't relax, I can't really have an off-day. I spend my time thinking in the back of my head that I need to respond to someone's message or give feedback they really don't need from me immediately... I don't get why it had to come to this. And this is why I keep having thoughts about how to change things. First of all, being a teacher is by far NOT my passion. I have been doing what I have to to be here. It doesn't mean I don't try to do my job to the best of my ability, but expecting me to take on more and more with so much thanklessness when I am really starting to not enjoy any part of my job...well...-_- I feel bad because I know there are things the boss has had to take on and manage with the absence of a main organizer, but...well....I'm so friggen stressed! I feel backed into a corner. I am thankful to have an alternate job with such a different atmosphere to feel more of a release. Island-hopping, is...you know...jobs. I don't just want a job, I want to be going somewhere. That's why the other one is so important, it's more towards the career I'm wanting! I'm able to work with animals again! I don't have unsatisfied people always complaining about what or how I do something, I have dogs and cats who are clear about how they feel. This is the next step. I feel guilt because of my loyal tendencies, but...at what point does a person need to stay and be unhappy to make it easier for others? This comes down to my whole wanting to "help people with their dreams." But if I can't do anything seemingly right, do I really belong? And what about my own ambitions? I have many. I'm working hard for them. I'm still really not sure what to do next, but I am weighing a lot of things. Visa issues. Jobs. Health. Ambitions. Direction. Until the end I want to do my best, but with sentiments souring, it's hard for me to keep motivated.
Well, as I mentioned before, I've started working at a place I've only imagined working at. I'm learning many things and what's different here from vet clinics in the US. I'm finding that there are some things I know how to do that aren't done by techs here (the doctor has more control of operations, even small things like shots and blood samples.) and that there are things I'll learn for the first time (like actual grooming!). I think despite the slight barrier in language, things have been going pretty well. I'm learning more words and retaining more information and overall, I can mostly express what I need to ask or say. I know I have a long way to go before I am anywhere near fluent, but the whole immersion thing along with the open attitudes of my coworkers helps a lot. I was left to do most of the evening activities before closing because the other tech left early. It was good to review everything on my own and make sure I understood. I also had the duty of returning dogs who had come in for grooming to their owners. Some were really surprised, some wanted to know more information about me, but nonetheless, the doctor was certainly enjoying it. I could hear him chuckle behind the counter each time I rounded the corner with a client's dog. They genuinely seem to really want to keep me, which makes me happy. I know it might take a bit for me to get everything down in routine, but it's a small facility where everyone seems more like family (something I missed having since Sprayberry).
The band. Things are going great. The interview is in the works...but because it all needs to be in English, I will have to do most of the talking. Luckily, the keyboardist can say some things too so it sounds more balanced ^.^ I am so excited that they'll be playing the show four times next month, and at different times so that my friends in the US might get a chance to hear if they want! I really hope this helps to expose more people to our music and band. What an incredible chance! It makes me excited about practicing more, making good recordings, and prepping for our winter show! Which, I want to mention something....even though it might be common for venues to send messages to a band after playing a show to invite them back for another, I don't find it so common in the US...so when the place we did our first show messaged us about December, I was really excited and flattered. The leaders decided to turn it down, though, because we really want to try Osaka...it's kind of important to spread out at this point with the way things are going. Thinking about all this, though....I feel the butterflies dancing around inside >.<
Okay...and here is what that title is about. I am loyal by nature. Sometimes, unfortunately. I have developed a guilt complex in the past month because of the many different things I feel. I feel grateful for having a job and even though I took a pay cut when I started, it's still an o.k. salary. I feel happy with most of my students. What I feel bad about it how things have changed in my mind. I feel like I've been caught in chaos. I don't understand expectations clearly most of the time, but it's not really my fault. I do what I think is wanted and it turns out to be wrong or someone changes their mind or it's responded to in a negative manner. (For example, I am told to re-confirm information instead of assuming, but the times I do try to confirm something, I am told to "look at the schedule" or something like that. Well...yeah. I did. But I am asking to re-confirm like I was told to do. What's the point if the response is always something along the lines of "don't bother me"? =_= ) It grates on me. I try to fulfill requests, but I feel like 90% of the time it is responded with negativity. The "feedback" I get is never about something good, it's always "you can't do this. This is wrong. This lacks _____." I understand the need for criticism, but ONLY criticism isn't good for growth. I'm so happy I have other people in my life who understand that (thankyouforAWESOMEbandmembersyeeaaaaahhh). The guilt comes in when I feel dread and exhaustion and I really start to feel like I'm not wanting to continue. I work hard. I try.And try. And try...but when there is absolutely no appreciable gain to an individual, it's really demotivating. I am not talking in terms of instant gratification, I'm talking about efforts bearing fruit. This place....well, it's no career...but to be there and have to just "get through the day" sometimes because of how people talk to or about me, well...it's ridiculous. Another thing that has bothered me increasingly is....when it is my off day, it's my OFF DAY. I am busy. Very busy. Outside of work, I'm always doing something. I don't need to think of work 24/7, it's not my job. I am not the manager, I am just a minion. Why, then, am I bothered constantly when it is not a work day for me? I am sent messages on my phone, in my personal e-mail, even on Facebook....This, to me, is an intrusion of personal space, and it stresses me out to the point where I don't sleep well, I can't relax, I can't really have an off-day. I spend my time thinking in the back of my head that I need to respond to someone's message or give feedback they really don't need from me immediately... I don't get why it had to come to this. And this is why I keep having thoughts about how to change things. First of all, being a teacher is by far NOT my passion. I have been doing what I have to to be here. It doesn't mean I don't try to do my job to the best of my ability, but expecting me to take on more and more with so much thanklessness when I am really starting to not enjoy any part of my job...well...-_- I feel bad because I know there are things the boss has had to take on and manage with the absence of a main organizer, but...well....I'm so friggen stressed! I feel backed into a corner. I am thankful to have an alternate job with such a different atmosphere to feel more of a release. Island-hopping, is...you know...jobs. I don't just want a job, I want to be going somewhere. That's why the other one is so important, it's more towards the career I'm wanting! I'm able to work with animals again! I don't have unsatisfied people always complaining about what or how I do something, I have dogs and cats who are clear about how they feel. This is the next step. I feel guilt because of my loyal tendencies, but...at what point does a person need to stay and be unhappy to make it easier for others? This comes down to my whole wanting to "help people with their dreams." But if I can't do anything seemingly right, do I really belong? And what about my own ambitions? I have many. I'm working hard for them. I'm still really not sure what to do next, but I am weighing a lot of things. Visa issues. Jobs. Health. Ambitions. Direction. Until the end I want to do my best, but with sentiments souring, it's hard for me to keep motivated.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Get out of the (tate-mae) trap...
I try really hard not to complain much about the hard stuff in my life, but there really is something I can't seem to get over. I have to get out, get out of this trap. I have footing on the edge, but the issues with transitioning aren't easily resolved.
This trap I speak of....it is maddening. Living here is hard when you're not "like everyone else." When you're an outsider, you're seen, thought of, and treated differently. Some days you can wave it off and not think much about it. Other days, it's consuming and slammed in your face. What I'm specifically talking about is the "job" we're stuck into. Unfortunately, there isn't much of a way to thrive here as a foreigner. You mostly have to suck it up and take on "the job" every foreigner here is known to do. Eikaiwa. It pays the bills. It lets you live here. It eats at you. Unless you land a fantastically (very rare) awesome company that has a straight-forward system and staff members who are straightforward and completely cooperative, chances are there are some major adjustments you have to make. The biggest problem I have had in the past and continuing until now is the "tate-mae" bullshit. I'm sorry, I think it's Japanese for "I'm-going-to-stab-you-in-the-fucking-back-after-I-smile-and-tell-you-things-are-fine." I've dealt with this issue time and again, and really, it rubs me raw. My problem is that students have the tendency to not take me seriously or even give me the consideration of TRYING to tell me something. Instead, they act as though I am "doing fine," then go and bitch to the higher-ups about me.
First thing is first. If you want to be an ENGLISH TEACHER and you are in an ENGLISH CLASS, then why don't you just TRY to practice a bit of English instead of sulking behind a pathetic and fake mask until you can later spill every frustration you have (which is your fault) in Japanese? I have no pity for you. The problems that you have in class? Not my problem. If you don't tell me, I don't know, and frankly, going to my superiors about it makes me want to help you even less. What a weak way to deal with an issue. You don't even try, you just go and bitch about things after you find a bad taste in your mouth. And then, of course, who gets fingers pointed at them? Me.
The message I've gotten from all this is clear. This, culturally or not, is a display of disrespect. You don't respect me as a person, as a teacher. To you, because I work in the joke called "eikaiwa," I am a product. A service. You are unhappy, so you go state your opinions and rants of dissatisfaction to the customer service center where you paid. You're not going to take the time to think about why you are unhappy, you just want to make demands.
I'm only going to deal with this for so long. The things I've had up until now have made suffering worth it to an extent, but I really do deserve a more dignifying way of life than just a performing, dancing monkey. Yep, I said it. That's all they see me as, and when the audience isn't happy, guess who gets all the crap for it? It's a trickling pyramid of crap, and I'm at the bottom. Always. I always will be. A second-rate citizen, a joke, a clown and a play thing. The people who take me seriously are few and far between mostly. This is why I've been busting my butt to make something better for myself here, I shouldn't have to do this for the rest of my life because the average person here doesn't see me for anything more than an "entertaining introduction to a language."
Some days it's just so damn hard to keep positive. Some days it is painful to smile. But hey...I guess I have to participate in the "tate-mae" bullshit, too. =_=
This trap I speak of....it is maddening. Living here is hard when you're not "like everyone else." When you're an outsider, you're seen, thought of, and treated differently. Some days you can wave it off and not think much about it. Other days, it's consuming and slammed in your face. What I'm specifically talking about is the "job" we're stuck into. Unfortunately, there isn't much of a way to thrive here as a foreigner. You mostly have to suck it up and take on "the job" every foreigner here is known to do. Eikaiwa. It pays the bills. It lets you live here. It eats at you. Unless you land a fantastically (very rare) awesome company that has a straight-forward system and staff members who are straightforward and completely cooperative, chances are there are some major adjustments you have to make. The biggest problem I have had in the past and continuing until now is the "tate-mae" bullshit. I'm sorry, I think it's Japanese for "I'm-going-to-stab-you-in-the-fucking-back-after-I-smile-and-tell-you-things-are-fine." I've dealt with this issue time and again, and really, it rubs me raw. My problem is that students have the tendency to not take me seriously or even give me the consideration of TRYING to tell me something. Instead, they act as though I am "doing fine," then go and bitch to the higher-ups about me.
First thing is first. If you want to be an ENGLISH TEACHER and you are in an ENGLISH CLASS, then why don't you just TRY to practice a bit of English instead of sulking behind a pathetic and fake mask until you can later spill every frustration you have (which is your fault) in Japanese? I have no pity for you. The problems that you have in class? Not my problem. If you don't tell me, I don't know, and frankly, going to my superiors about it makes me want to help you even less. What a weak way to deal with an issue. You don't even try, you just go and bitch about things after you find a bad taste in your mouth. And then, of course, who gets fingers pointed at them? Me.
The message I've gotten from all this is clear. This, culturally or not, is a display of disrespect. You don't respect me as a person, as a teacher. To you, because I work in the joke called "eikaiwa," I am a product. A service. You are unhappy, so you go state your opinions and rants of dissatisfaction to the customer service center where you paid. You're not going to take the time to think about why you are unhappy, you just want to make demands.
I'm only going to deal with this for so long. The things I've had up until now have made suffering worth it to an extent, but I really do deserve a more dignifying way of life than just a performing, dancing monkey. Yep, I said it. That's all they see me as, and when the audience isn't happy, guess who gets all the crap for it? It's a trickling pyramid of crap, and I'm at the bottom. Always. I always will be. A second-rate citizen, a joke, a clown and a play thing. The people who take me seriously are few and far between mostly. This is why I've been busting my butt to make something better for myself here, I shouldn't have to do this for the rest of my life because the average person here doesn't see me for anything more than an "entertaining introduction to a language."
Some days it's just so damn hard to keep positive. Some days it is painful to smile. But hey...I guess I have to participate in the "tate-mae" bullshit, too. =_=
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Spinning, A Spiral....A Blur.
I've had quite a few updates in the works recently...most everything headed in an unbelievably positive direction. I don't want to sound like I am bragging, but sometimes I really can't believe my fortune. I'm not rich, but I make enough to live comfortably and with a bit of saving, I am able to get most things I want. (also due to the fact that I live with someone who takes care of some expenses, too) To me, that's incredibly lucky, as I am aware of the current financial state of most people nowadays. I have also been blessed with many amazing people in my life. Some of those people keep me going by reminding me how far I've come or encouraging me or believing in things I want to accomplish. Some of those people even go as far as helping laying out steps towards my dreams. I wish so much to do things like that for others. I want to be able to help other people's dreams come true, too.
In recent, I've been given an incredible chance to start working around what I love again. I am still in shock and can't really believe that I've already worked a whole day there and didn't make anyone upset or angry and they want to keep me ^^; Although it's almost an hour and a half away by train, I've been given an incredible start at an animal hospital. Everything is in Japanese, nobody speaks English. It certainly exposes me to the raw parts of learning, but the owner has such a wonderful disposition. Be yourself, ask questions, make suggestions, try. If you have motivation to learn something, anything, that's great and you should do it. Those were some things said to me while the first day was coming to a close. Being told my being in a band is great and I could dye my hair and wear crazy make-up to work if I wanted was something I was not expecting...haha. I know it's going to be a huge challenge, but I really want this to work. If I'm able to do this well,....I'll have accomplished another thing I came here wanting to do.
Yesterday was another practice. My thyroid has been swelling on and off, and so in the morning when I warmed up, everything felt fine. When I got to practice in the afternoon, however, I couldn't get my registers to connect again and I was more than frustrated the first hour of practice. The last set, though, went better, to my relief. After a meeting and confirming our next practice is in October ( T_T), my keyboardist and I returned to the studio. He had bought an incredibly fancy recording microphone. I think I was still so nervous about recording well that my leg tensed up and I did the whole session in an awkward pose, trying to relieve the pain and tension in my knee. This time went better, I think. Not so many re-takes, and we covered all 5 songs instead of only two. I hope the re-recordings are better. I really hope...but the fortunate part of all this is next month is wide open for editing and re-takes. I want to be amazing. I want to show skill as high as everyone else has with their recordings. I know it's different. With an instrument, you can move notes around in editing, but with a voice...there's only so much you can do. Most of it depends on the actual recording. Another things I've come to really notice is there are so many factors...The voice is so transparent. You HAVE TO have confidence ( the hardest thing for me), you have to use emotion, so you have to really feel something to make your voice sound that way. The beauty and curse of being a vocalist is...well, you can express from your experiences and memories, but you'll relive those things forever. Each time you sing that song, you have to re-live it all over again to capture the real emotion you were wanting to use (or rid of). I know this sounds like common knowledge, but applying it is a whole different story. It takes a lot of concentration and soooo much energy. While I sing, my mind if thinking of the lyrics, the technique, the feelings, the sound.... Singing is so great and wonderful, but it's also exhausting sometimes ^^;
After finishing, we wandered around a bit and found a restaurant to eat at. We had some much needed talk and again, I was re-motivated and assured of things. I have so many worries in my mind right now about where we're going. I feel my improvement is slowed when we don't practice, but being told that I have improved and I've been doing much better makes me feel more determined to do what I can here on my own until next time. At least next practice, there are many things to look forward to! Our leader will be back in the studio with us! We'll have new songs to practice! We'll have a drinking party after practice! We have to decide when and where to have our show. Probably in December. Finding a livehouse is a bit difficult...most of us want to try Osaka. I want to try Osaka, but I really want to be good this time. I have so much to work on before this show, and so little time to improve. I feel like there are many factors in this, I can't fail. I was told yesterday, "you can do it. You're even better than before. You've already done a show. I know you can do it!" I still feel like I am balancing on the edge, though. With many things...I'm on the edge of either something great or great failure. The propensity of my mind's thought pattern has kept me awake most nights because I just can't shut it off.
I've looked at some recently signed indies bands and I've come to the conclusion that usually record labels don't look at you here unless you've been around over two years. If I could just overcome the insecurities I feel around my guitarist...if only I knew what he was thinking sometimes, if only I could make him really want to stay. I feel like his decision relies on how I do. I need to be good, really good in order to win him over. This winter show is "the test," I feel. So....pressure. I feel lots of it. But I really love the thought of prospects of the future coming to life. I'm still not really sure how to think or feel right now, I think it's my mind's self-defense trying to take caution. For now, there's lots to improve and lots to reach for...I just have to really focus! Focus...>_<;
In recent, I've been given an incredible chance to start working around what I love again. I am still in shock and can't really believe that I've already worked a whole day there and didn't make anyone upset or angry and they want to keep me ^^; Although it's almost an hour and a half away by train, I've been given an incredible start at an animal hospital. Everything is in Japanese, nobody speaks English. It certainly exposes me to the raw parts of learning, but the owner has such a wonderful disposition. Be yourself, ask questions, make suggestions, try. If you have motivation to learn something, anything, that's great and you should do it. Those were some things said to me while the first day was coming to a close. Being told my being in a band is great and I could dye my hair and wear crazy make-up to work if I wanted was something I was not expecting...haha. I know it's going to be a huge challenge, but I really want this to work. If I'm able to do this well,....I'll have accomplished another thing I came here wanting to do.
Yesterday was another practice. My thyroid has been swelling on and off, and so in the morning when I warmed up, everything felt fine. When I got to practice in the afternoon, however, I couldn't get my registers to connect again and I was more than frustrated the first hour of practice. The last set, though, went better, to my relief. After a meeting and confirming our next practice is in October ( T_T), my keyboardist and I returned to the studio. He had bought an incredibly fancy recording microphone. I think I was still so nervous about recording well that my leg tensed up and I did the whole session in an awkward pose, trying to relieve the pain and tension in my knee. This time went better, I think. Not so many re-takes, and we covered all 5 songs instead of only two. I hope the re-recordings are better. I really hope...but the fortunate part of all this is next month is wide open for editing and re-takes. I want to be amazing. I want to show skill as high as everyone else has with their recordings. I know it's different. With an instrument, you can move notes around in editing, but with a voice...there's only so much you can do. Most of it depends on the actual recording. Another things I've come to really notice is there are so many factors...The voice is so transparent. You HAVE TO have confidence ( the hardest thing for me), you have to use emotion, so you have to really feel something to make your voice sound that way. The beauty and curse of being a vocalist is...well, you can express from your experiences and memories, but you'll relive those things forever. Each time you sing that song, you have to re-live it all over again to capture the real emotion you were wanting to use (or rid of). I know this sounds like common knowledge, but applying it is a whole different story. It takes a lot of concentration and soooo much energy. While I sing, my mind if thinking of the lyrics, the technique, the feelings, the sound.... Singing is so great and wonderful, but it's also exhausting sometimes ^^;
After finishing, we wandered around a bit and found a restaurant to eat at. We had some much needed talk and again, I was re-motivated and assured of things. I have so many worries in my mind right now about where we're going. I feel my improvement is slowed when we don't practice, but being told that I have improved and I've been doing much better makes me feel more determined to do what I can here on my own until next time. At least next practice, there are many things to look forward to! Our leader will be back in the studio with us! We'll have new songs to practice! We'll have a drinking party after practice! We have to decide when and where to have our show. Probably in December. Finding a livehouse is a bit difficult...most of us want to try Osaka. I want to try Osaka, but I really want to be good this time. I have so much to work on before this show, and so little time to improve. I feel like there are many factors in this, I can't fail. I was told yesterday, "you can do it. You're even better than before. You've already done a show. I know you can do it!" I still feel like I am balancing on the edge, though. With many things...I'm on the edge of either something great or great failure. The propensity of my mind's thought pattern has kept me awake most nights because I just can't shut it off.
I've looked at some recently signed indies bands and I've come to the conclusion that usually record labels don't look at you here unless you've been around over two years. If I could just overcome the insecurities I feel around my guitarist...if only I knew what he was thinking sometimes, if only I could make him really want to stay. I feel like his decision relies on how I do. I need to be good, really good in order to win him over. This winter show is "the test," I feel. So....pressure. I feel lots of it. But I really love the thought of prospects of the future coming to life. I'm still not really sure how to think or feel right now, I think it's my mind's self-defense trying to take caution. For now, there's lots to improve and lots to reach for...I just have to really focus! Focus...>_<;
Thursday, August 9, 2012
In a Land of Confuzzlement and Triumph
As of late, there has been much confusion with just about everything (no surprise, right? ^^; )I'm not sure how I feel about a lot of things. Some days, I find I'm just so stressed out and mad at myself that I wonder how I can change. I still have a lot of self-hate and frustration that I carry with me every day. Some days I can ignore it, some days it consumes me and it's so hard for me to act like everything is okay. But even if I'm battling myself again, I can at least see the wonderful things that I have in my life. I'm still incredibly lucky with where I am and who I have around me. My friends both in Japan and America are nothing short of amazing and wonderful.
Living here can be scary, though. I've been pursued by the crazy lady a few more times...I'm more than convinced that she has a form of paranoid schizophrenia with a dissociative fugue co-morbid with some kind of drug abuse (alcohol). I have many reasons to assume this, mostly due to her observed behavior, both when she's been in my face screaming and grabbing as well as when I've identified her at a distance. I try not to take the attacks personally, but when I have feelings of not being safe and having to look over my shoulder constantly on my way home at night, it brings back memories I've tried forgetting from a past that just didn't treat me very well. It's interesting how we re-live our fears and panic in similar ways but in different situations. I feel a little helpless because my language ability is so limited. I sometimes wonder what would happen if she really did manage to attack me and if I could really get someone to help. For now, it's a sick game of duck/hide/ or run.
A lot of my frustrations, though, come from lack of clarity and being told more information after the fact. After I've messed up or failed without having had a chance to NOT fail. I'm the kind of person who needs to understand expectations and guidelines before acting, or else I'll most definitely disappoint. It's so frustrating when I'm trying my hardest to make so many different people happy and I don't really know what they want from me. I can see the disappointment drift in and out of their expressions and all I can try to think is that part of it really isn't my fault. I'm trying to be positive and not blame things partially out of my control entirely on myself...I'm trying..... but in the back of my mind, I continue to think that where I am now, the things that are making me unhappy, it's my fault. It's my fault that I'm stuck in a certain place because I haven't improved. It's my fault for not being more fluent and my fault for taking on things that I can't handle gracefully. I think the complex I have can come out when I feel like my students are giving me more than I can give them as a teacher. I feel bad...I'm not good at this. I'm not a natural teacher and although I want to be able to provide answers, I can't.
Some days, though, all of these things don't pile so high on my conscience. Some times, I'm taught something new and wonderful by someone really kind or understanding...sometimes I feel like I can learn more and I feel more motivated to push forward harder. Some days I see things that really make me laugh...like my boss tap-dancing out the door and down the stairs of our work building to shuffle a cockroach away from the office. XD Or a student presentation in English that resembles more of a manzai skit than a serious effort to use a different language. I try to keep in mind something one of my band leaders told me awhile back, "do something you love or think of something that makes you laugh every day." This has really helped me more than he'll ever know. I only hope to become as great of a person as the people I have around me. I've said before that I want to work to change or help people through music...I've written so many lyrics recently, but I wonder sometimes if my words would mean anything to someone else. I'm sure, though, that there will be someone somewhere who may need them someday...that's my hope, at least. ^_^;
My leader has been working hard to try to promote us in Italy. I truly admire her. I know if I were in her position here, I might be too intimidated because I feel most of the time, when I try speaking, I can't say what I need to or want to and I leave people feeling confused. The problem with trying to learn on your own is when using a dictionary....it doesn't tell you if it's a bad word or rarely used or only written.. =_=; I say so many things that are unnecessary or outright strange.But at least with all the translating I've had to do, I think I am learning a little more...and the fact that they need me to re-word things in English, I feel more like a contributing member again. I can't wait for the 26th! It's another awesome day of band practice but also a recording day...I'm back on a diet and strict practice again...let's cross our fingers that I can build up my voice decently for our next cd! ^.^
Living here can be scary, though. I've been pursued by the crazy lady a few more times...I'm more than convinced that she has a form of paranoid schizophrenia with a dissociative fugue co-morbid with some kind of drug abuse (alcohol). I have many reasons to assume this, mostly due to her observed behavior, both when she's been in my face screaming and grabbing as well as when I've identified her at a distance. I try not to take the attacks personally, but when I have feelings of not being safe and having to look over my shoulder constantly on my way home at night, it brings back memories I've tried forgetting from a past that just didn't treat me very well. It's interesting how we re-live our fears and panic in similar ways but in different situations. I feel a little helpless because my language ability is so limited. I sometimes wonder what would happen if she really did manage to attack me and if I could really get someone to help. For now, it's a sick game of duck/hide/ or run.
A lot of my frustrations, though, come from lack of clarity and being told more information after the fact. After I've messed up or failed without having had a chance to NOT fail. I'm the kind of person who needs to understand expectations and guidelines before acting, or else I'll most definitely disappoint. It's so frustrating when I'm trying my hardest to make so many different people happy and I don't really know what they want from me. I can see the disappointment drift in and out of their expressions and all I can try to think is that part of it really isn't my fault. I'm trying to be positive and not blame things partially out of my control entirely on myself...I'm trying..... but in the back of my mind, I continue to think that where I am now, the things that are making me unhappy, it's my fault. It's my fault that I'm stuck in a certain place because I haven't improved. It's my fault for not being more fluent and my fault for taking on things that I can't handle gracefully. I think the complex I have can come out when I feel like my students are giving me more than I can give them as a teacher. I feel bad...I'm not good at this. I'm not a natural teacher and although I want to be able to provide answers, I can't.
Some days, though, all of these things don't pile so high on my conscience. Some times, I'm taught something new and wonderful by someone really kind or understanding...sometimes I feel like I can learn more and I feel more motivated to push forward harder. Some days I see things that really make me laugh...like my boss tap-dancing out the door and down the stairs of our work building to shuffle a cockroach away from the office. XD Or a student presentation in English that resembles more of a manzai skit than a serious effort to use a different language. I try to keep in mind something one of my band leaders told me awhile back, "do something you love or think of something that makes you laugh every day." This has really helped me more than he'll ever know. I only hope to become as great of a person as the people I have around me. I've said before that I want to work to change or help people through music...I've written so many lyrics recently, but I wonder sometimes if my words would mean anything to someone else. I'm sure, though, that there will be someone somewhere who may need them someday...that's my hope, at least. ^_^;
My leader has been working hard to try to promote us in Italy. I truly admire her. I know if I were in her position here, I might be too intimidated because I feel most of the time, when I try speaking, I can't say what I need to or want to and I leave people feeling confused. The problem with trying to learn on your own is when using a dictionary....it doesn't tell you if it's a bad word or rarely used or only written.. =_=; I say so many things that are unnecessary or outright strange.But at least with all the translating I've had to do, I think I am learning a little more...and the fact that they need me to re-word things in English, I feel more like a contributing member again. I can't wait for the 26th! It's another awesome day of band practice but also a recording day...I'm back on a diet and strict practice again...let's cross our fingers that I can build up my voice decently for our next cd! ^.^
Sunday, July 29, 2012
The Good, The Bad, The Beautiful....and Ugly.
My life has been all about constant change in the past couple of months...maybe I could even say this about the past year. I can't seem to settle in comfortably to anything because nothing is really static. Even with my job that I assumed I'd be used to at this point has me on my toes all the time with changing and unclear expectations and tasks, but I'm starting to accept that the "oh, by the way..."s is just something eikaiwa is plagued with. Overall, I love almost everything about where I'm at. I'm still working on making it all better, making me better, but I know that I'm still growing as a person.
Well, my struggles these past couple of weeks have come from my medical problems. Unbeknownst to me, I seem to have a rare form of hypothyroid/Hashimoto's disease that very few physicians in Japan are able to treat. I get the feeling with the more reactions and turn-downs I get from medical personel who look at my data, that there are things I haven't been told. It's kind of scary for me right now, especially because I'm aware of how doctors lie and avoid the truth here sometimes. I don't want to play guessing games with my health. Well, I've been searching and running out of medicine...so things have been placed in the hands of Kenji's relatives. I know they want to help, but.... it makes me more anxious. He called one of them last night to check on progress, and apparently, my illness requires specific medical attention that creates a huge mission even for them. =_=; I never knew it would be this hard, considering before I came I tried to make sure that this disease existed here.
Well, aside from that, last week was a roller coaster of emotions. I was lucky to have some student friends invite me out to karaoke on a day we didn't have class. It was so, so much fun!!! I think we stayed for like 6 or 7 hours...not sure because time flew by for me. I loved listening to the songs they chose to sing and watching how they sang them. Some songs were group activities. I have to admit, YATTA was my favorite, with the remaining crowd up and jumping and dancing... I loved singing, and I even found my favorite song (it's not at any other karaoke places)!!! It just felt so good to be around friends and to sing and find out more about them. ^.^
Later in the week, I had another cooking class, but this time with kids. Unfortunately, there was no practice run so almost everything seemed to be done with an edge of uncertainty. I was told directions at the spur of the moment, which really got to me after awhile, especially when I looked around to see the disorganization and unevenness of everything. It went downhill, the power fluctuated and went out, rendering the electric hotplates useless...so my "giving directions in English" went out the window as everyone scrambled to try to regain progress with the gas burners and pans. We had some great participants, though, and everything smoothed over, thanks to the volunteers and teachers handling the groups of kids. I really was stressed out, though. I don't like things that aren't clarified because usually, I end up screwing up without knowing or not knowing how to try to meet expectations. Well, such is the way things have been going...so I kind of resigned myself to step back and just let whatever happen. I tried to engage with kids and "do my job," but...hopefully there is a totally different set-up next time.
After that, though, my awesome friend took me to her neighborhood for lunch with her rather...wealthy neighbor. Her neighbor was so sweet, and so was her yellow lab. Goido was his name (the dog), and he was so sweet!!! I enjoyed playing with him and getting my fill of dog love for the afternoon. Even though his leg was bothering him, he wanted to play tug of war and rough-house a bit. After that visit that included some delicious ramen and sweets, we went to her house to play with her little dogs, who decided to play king of the mountain on me and fight in my lap for attention. I realize more and more how much I need to move forward and get myself back to a place I can be with animals....dogs are my kind of people, definitely. It healed me a bit, though, and I appreciate how my new friends have took note of and understood some things I've been kind of neglecting with myself. I'm so surprised with how lucky I've been recently with friends...I feel like I've added more to my "family" and people who get me. For now, that's enough to keep me going and trying.
Next month, I hopefully get some quality time with some of my best friends. I haven't had enough time with them, even though we live in the same country! The last time I saw them was at Chronos' first show. I'm also looking forward to practice and recording next month! Things are moving forward...I've given lyrics to some band members to make new songs, our leader is trying to get us coverage in Italian music magazines (yaay!), and we're going to be making our first official mini-album for our winter show soon. For now, it's just a matter of working hard on improving, lots of thinking, and trying not to get too stressed again.
Well, my struggles these past couple of weeks have come from my medical problems. Unbeknownst to me, I seem to have a rare form of hypothyroid/Hashimoto's disease that very few physicians in Japan are able to treat. I get the feeling with the more reactions and turn-downs I get from medical personel who look at my data, that there are things I haven't been told. It's kind of scary for me right now, especially because I'm aware of how doctors lie and avoid the truth here sometimes. I don't want to play guessing games with my health. Well, I've been searching and running out of medicine...so things have been placed in the hands of Kenji's relatives. I know they want to help, but.... it makes me more anxious. He called one of them last night to check on progress, and apparently, my illness requires specific medical attention that creates a huge mission even for them. =_=; I never knew it would be this hard, considering before I came I tried to make sure that this disease existed here.
Well, aside from that, last week was a roller coaster of emotions. I was lucky to have some student friends invite me out to karaoke on a day we didn't have class. It was so, so much fun!!! I think we stayed for like 6 or 7 hours...not sure because time flew by for me. I loved listening to the songs they chose to sing and watching how they sang them. Some songs were group activities. I have to admit, YATTA was my favorite, with the remaining crowd up and jumping and dancing... I loved singing, and I even found my favorite song (it's not at any other karaoke places)!!! It just felt so good to be around friends and to sing and find out more about them. ^.^
Later in the week, I had another cooking class, but this time with kids. Unfortunately, there was no practice run so almost everything seemed to be done with an edge of uncertainty. I was told directions at the spur of the moment, which really got to me after awhile, especially when I looked around to see the disorganization and unevenness of everything. It went downhill, the power fluctuated and went out, rendering the electric hotplates useless...so my "giving directions in English" went out the window as everyone scrambled to try to regain progress with the gas burners and pans. We had some great participants, though, and everything smoothed over, thanks to the volunteers and teachers handling the groups of kids. I really was stressed out, though. I don't like things that aren't clarified because usually, I end up screwing up without knowing or not knowing how to try to meet expectations. Well, such is the way things have been going...so I kind of resigned myself to step back and just let whatever happen. I tried to engage with kids and "do my job," but...hopefully there is a totally different set-up next time.
After that, though, my awesome friend took me to her neighborhood for lunch with her rather...wealthy neighbor. Her neighbor was so sweet, and so was her yellow lab. Goido was his name (the dog), and he was so sweet!!! I enjoyed playing with him and getting my fill of dog love for the afternoon. Even though his leg was bothering him, he wanted to play tug of war and rough-house a bit. After that visit that included some delicious ramen and sweets, we went to her house to play with her little dogs, who decided to play king of the mountain on me and fight in my lap for attention. I realize more and more how much I need to move forward and get myself back to a place I can be with animals....dogs are my kind of people, definitely. It healed me a bit, though, and I appreciate how my new friends have took note of and understood some things I've been kind of neglecting with myself. I'm so surprised with how lucky I've been recently with friends...I feel like I've added more to my "family" and people who get me. For now, that's enough to keep me going and trying.
Next month, I hopefully get some quality time with some of my best friends. I haven't had enough time with them, even though we live in the same country! The last time I saw them was at Chronos' first show. I'm also looking forward to practice and recording next month! Things are moving forward...I've given lyrics to some band members to make new songs, our leader is trying to get us coverage in Italian music magazines (yaay!), and we're going to be making our first official mini-album for our winter show soon. For now, it's just a matter of working hard on improving, lots of thinking, and trying not to get too stressed again.
Friday, July 13, 2012
A Rough Week...
I have had such a busy, busy week...mostly in my head. My emotions have taken me on a roller coaster. I have no clue how to feel about my job right now. I am not sure at all how I am viewed, because most everything seems unclear and full of misunderstandings. I don't get what people want sometimes. I can't read alot of things on my work computer because everything is in kanji. Yeah, someone could say "it's your fault, you chose this. Study Japanese like any smart person would do," but even if I were to use my free time to study, it takes a long time to learn kanji and its context. Yeah, excuses excuses....but there is a certain point where the line needs to be drawn. I've been fussed at for things being "a waste of time." I don't know how it's my fault when clearly, I can't read and understand certain things I need to use in order to work. I'm not going to click away at shit on my computer to "figure it out." That's how bigger mistakes happen. I'm surprised the more and more I find out about lack of consideration and empathy for individuals sometimes.
For example, passing out flyers. In Japan, it is a common way of advertising. Standing at a train station or shoutengai (shopping street near a station usually) and handing out things to passer-bys who will take them can be seen every day at almost every station here. I always thought that had to be one of the worst jobs ever. Not only is talking to strangers a bit embarrassing, but harassing them to take something and also getting rejected repeatedly seems nightmarish. I was right. I found myself in that position earlier this week. I was told to hand out tissues with flyers about a cooking class I've been made to assist in teaching. I don't mind the class itself, even if it is a form of extortion. Performing as a character is kind of an eikaiwa requirement...something that's taxing and really, it gnaws away at you...but anyways, handing out flyers. It's terrible. I felt really stressed and sore. Speaking English to Japanese people intimidates them most of the time. The person ordering me to do all this didnt seem to consider that. So here I was, trying to approach people and being rejected 90% of the time. I'm not outgoing. I never have been. Talking to people is usually painful and awkward for me because I really do have anxiety socially. Coming to Japan and finding the friends and band members I have has been a huge challenge that I really had to push myself to do. Anyways, instead of saying anything about what I did right, all I got was "you need to be more aggressive. You're not doing this/that/etc wrong." So I tried. The other person there saw how hard it was for me, I think, and took up more of the slack. I felt guilty for that, too...but really, this pushed me totally out of anything close to my comfort zone. It didn't help that my picture was plastered all over these flyers, so if someone got the flyer from someone down the way from me, I could see the people glance at the flyer and then look up at me, then stare....sometimes laugh. I think I was overly sensitive because of my circumstance, but it really did feel humiliating.
And to add to my imbalanced emotions and uncertainty of where I stand at my job....well, let's just say...most of the time, when I speak Japanese, I have people laughing. (except band members/closer friends who take me seriously) I can't always figure out why. Sometimes people say it's because what I say is right- on, other times, I think it's because I sound really strange...either way, it's kind of weird trying to talk to people sometimes. To get to the point, I had a practice cooking class run-through kind of thing. Towards the end, the cooking teacher let us try the dishes she had prepared. I just didn't think of it as anything when I told her "kore ha hontou ni umai desu!" Instead of using the more feminine "oishii." At that moment, the two other teachers busted out laughing and I looked at them confusedly. One of them explained, to my embarasssment, that "umai" was a man's word...but tomboys use it, which I thought is fine...I'm not a girly girl. We laughed about it a little more and they told me it's okay as long as I don't say it around the in-laws. ^^; Well, when another person arrived on scene, the others decided to dispel the situation and told her. I was really shocked when this person just turned and looked at me and told me that "You're not Japanese and it's a man's word, so it sounds too weird if you say it." ......excuse me? Not Japanese? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Maybe I'm taking it the wrong way, but that's like me telling people here "you can't say condensation because you're not British or American. It sounds too weird for Asians to say it." =_= And why did it have to be so blunt and callous? Even if that's what you think, there is a WAY to rephrase it into a more tactful way as to not rub someone raw. So I stood there, extremely embarrassed and shocked, a little hurt. I hate that my face is so apparent, too. I know it showed. And my reaction was laughed at. I felt just a bit exposed and trampled on. Well, I've asked a friend about it. I can fuckin' say UMAI if I damn well feel like it!
And earlier this week, this has been what I had to deal with:
A Curse Without Clarity
To be blunt, I've been freaked out, almost out of my mind scared at times this past week. My health has been all over the place, and it's hard for me to figure what's been going on. Living in a country where doctors aren't always straightforward and I don't have the fluency to explain everything, I've been trying to do my own research to figure it out. I'm trying not to jump to conclusions. I refuse to accept that it's something as extreme and severe as a thyroidic cancer, but even the thought of nodules scare me. Do I have something that might require surgery? I still have no idea what exactly has caused the pain and lymph node swelling. I could just have a simple virus again...but the fact that it has had symptoms reoccur freak me out. This isnt the first time my throat has swollen, but the acute pain is different. Anything involving my throat scares me...I've been working too hard to risk losing my voice. The more I read about thyroid-related problems and the constant misery of Hashimoto's patients, the more anxious and depressed I get.
I probably sound like a basket-case, but I really feel lately like I dont have anyone understanding to talk to. I can't just go to the doctor and get questions answered for me. My last doctor instead sat me down and interrogated me. "Why is your white blood cell count elevated? Do you know why? Why are your caroten levels higher than a Japanese person? WHy?" Every visit has been stressful. Instead of being given advice or answers, I was put in more of a position of someone wrongfully living their life. I can't tell you why I'm naturally a freak. My body feels like it's out of my control most of the time. I really am tired. I'm tired of not knowing how to make things better, feeling fatigue and pain most every day, being dizzy, having so many problems all the time and just complaining without answers. Out of all the illnesses I could have, it had to be one literally surrounding my voice. Sometimes I'm just so fucking fed up. A life without music and the ability to sing for me would be a life not worth living.
Luckily, I got my body closer to normal again with extra precautions and ginger...care, it you call it that. I've been able to build back up to a normal practice schedule again, so studio-time tomorrow is going to be great (I hope!!) Anyways. I'm definitely thinking a lot more about my life and where it's going again. The only choices for me now is what to improve and how so I can go further. I know all this has sounded really negative, but I also have many positive things in my head as well...like how my techniques are improving/ people I'm getting to know better/ I get to see my bands mates soon!! ( i love those guys!) / and hopefully, hang out with my friends again! I'm still really a lucky person, I haven't forgotten that. I just have some challenges again I need to weigh ^.^
For example, passing out flyers. In Japan, it is a common way of advertising. Standing at a train station or shoutengai (shopping street near a station usually) and handing out things to passer-bys who will take them can be seen every day at almost every station here. I always thought that had to be one of the worst jobs ever. Not only is talking to strangers a bit embarrassing, but harassing them to take something and also getting rejected repeatedly seems nightmarish. I was right. I found myself in that position earlier this week. I was told to hand out tissues with flyers about a cooking class I've been made to assist in teaching. I don't mind the class itself, even if it is a form of extortion. Performing as a character is kind of an eikaiwa requirement...something that's taxing and really, it gnaws away at you...but anyways, handing out flyers. It's terrible. I felt really stressed and sore. Speaking English to Japanese people intimidates them most of the time. The person ordering me to do all this didnt seem to consider that. So here I was, trying to approach people and being rejected 90% of the time. I'm not outgoing. I never have been. Talking to people is usually painful and awkward for me because I really do have anxiety socially. Coming to Japan and finding the friends and band members I have has been a huge challenge that I really had to push myself to do. Anyways, instead of saying anything about what I did right, all I got was "you need to be more aggressive. You're not doing this/that/etc wrong." So I tried. The other person there saw how hard it was for me, I think, and took up more of the slack. I felt guilty for that, too...but really, this pushed me totally out of anything close to my comfort zone. It didn't help that my picture was plastered all over these flyers, so if someone got the flyer from someone down the way from me, I could see the people glance at the flyer and then look up at me, then stare....sometimes laugh. I think I was overly sensitive because of my circumstance, but it really did feel humiliating.
And to add to my imbalanced emotions and uncertainty of where I stand at my job....well, let's just say...most of the time, when I speak Japanese, I have people laughing. (except band members/closer friends who take me seriously) I can't always figure out why. Sometimes people say it's because what I say is right- on, other times, I think it's because I sound really strange...either way, it's kind of weird trying to talk to people sometimes. To get to the point, I had a practice cooking class run-through kind of thing. Towards the end, the cooking teacher let us try the dishes she had prepared. I just didn't think of it as anything when I told her "kore ha hontou ni umai desu!" Instead of using the more feminine "oishii." At that moment, the two other teachers busted out laughing and I looked at them confusedly. One of them explained, to my embarasssment, that "umai" was a man's word...but tomboys use it, which I thought is fine...I'm not a girly girl. We laughed about it a little more and they told me it's okay as long as I don't say it around the in-laws. ^^; Well, when another person arrived on scene, the others decided to dispel the situation and told her. I was really shocked when this person just turned and looked at me and told me that "You're not Japanese and it's a man's word, so it sounds too weird if you say it." ......excuse me? Not Japanese? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Maybe I'm taking it the wrong way, but that's like me telling people here "you can't say condensation because you're not British or American. It sounds too weird for Asians to say it." =_= And why did it have to be so blunt and callous? Even if that's what you think, there is a WAY to rephrase it into a more tactful way as to not rub someone raw. So I stood there, extremely embarrassed and shocked, a little hurt. I hate that my face is so apparent, too. I know it showed. And my reaction was laughed at. I felt just a bit exposed and trampled on. Well, I've asked a friend about it. I can fuckin' say UMAI if I damn well feel like it!
And earlier this week, this has been what I had to deal with:
A Curse Without Clarity
To be blunt, I've been freaked out, almost out of my mind scared at times this past week. My health has been all over the place, and it's hard for me to figure what's been going on. Living in a country where doctors aren't always straightforward and I don't have the fluency to explain everything, I've been trying to do my own research to figure it out. I'm trying not to jump to conclusions. I refuse to accept that it's something as extreme and severe as a thyroidic cancer, but even the thought of nodules scare me. Do I have something that might require surgery? I still have no idea what exactly has caused the pain and lymph node swelling. I could just have a simple virus again...but the fact that it has had symptoms reoccur freak me out. This isnt the first time my throat has swollen, but the acute pain is different. Anything involving my throat scares me...I've been working too hard to risk losing my voice. The more I read about thyroid-related problems and the constant misery of Hashimoto's patients, the more anxious and depressed I get.
I probably sound like a basket-case, but I really feel lately like I dont have anyone understanding to talk to. I can't just go to the doctor and get questions answered for me. My last doctor instead sat me down and interrogated me. "Why is your white blood cell count elevated? Do you know why? Why are your caroten levels higher than a Japanese person? WHy?" Every visit has been stressful. Instead of being given advice or answers, I was put in more of a position of someone wrongfully living their life. I can't tell you why I'm naturally a freak. My body feels like it's out of my control most of the time. I really am tired. I'm tired of not knowing how to make things better, feeling fatigue and pain most every day, being dizzy, having so many problems all the time and just complaining without answers. Out of all the illnesses I could have, it had to be one literally surrounding my voice. Sometimes I'm just so fucking fed up. A life without music and the ability to sing for me would be a life not worth living.
Luckily, I got my body closer to normal again with extra precautions and ginger...care, it you call it that. I've been able to build back up to a normal practice schedule again, so studio-time tomorrow is going to be great (I hope!!) Anyways. I'm definitely thinking a lot more about my life and where it's going again. The only choices for me now is what to improve and how so I can go further. I know all this has sounded really negative, but I also have many positive things in my head as well...like how my techniques are improving/ people I'm getting to know better/ I get to see my bands mates soon!! ( i love those guys!) / and hopefully, hang out with my friends again! I'm still really a lucky person, I haven't forgotten that. I just have some challenges again I need to weigh ^.^
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Another Battle of Mixed Signals
In all honesty, one of the major challenges I've come to face since I've moved to Japan is not just being an outsider and a minority in almost everything I do (*especially music, though!*), but the constant pressure and feeling less than enough. I've always tried to live my life with high expectations for myself so that I continue to strive and accomplish and push to be better...but for some reason, the atmosphere here is different. There's an indirect and almost scathing way people talk to you. It's not always the words they use, it's how they say them that really eats me up... because here, it's rare to be direct about something, so a statement usually leaves one wanting more. I am often left contemplating more deeply than I'd like, questioning myself more and becoming a bit perplexed over the actual intent or meaning of something. I'm a people-pleaser...or at least I try to be. I often don't make many people happy at all, but...well, I try hard to. One of the worst feelings I get is when I disappoint someone..it stems alot from my childhood, I think. I remember feelings of self-loathing and deep depression when I received the results of disappointing them. (which still seems to be quite often). It basically transformed into a kind of subconscious process of "if I disappoint ______ , they wont love me. They might not accept me again. I wont be good enough for _____ if it happens." Anyways, enough of my headcase problems. What I'm getting at is, there is more of a constant feeling of not being good enough that lingers in the back of my mind here. Maybe that's part of being a self-conscious adult, I'm not sure. Maybe I'm finally growing up and seeing how much falling short is a reality in life. But I do wonder alot if I'll ever have a job again where I feel like I AM good enough and that I do a good job. Perhaps this comes from having a job with humans again. I hate to say it, but every day is a struggle. I'm not a people person. I care about them and I love my students, but the role I have to fill...well, I feel like I just cant do it well enough most of the time. I feel they deserve more. I'm amazed every day I have class with these people, though. For instance, I have a class of aspiring teachers. These people are amazing, talented, creative, and they'll certainly be better than I ever could be. I feel part of that reasoning is because they truly have a passion. I can only hope I can be seen that way someday in music. These teachers are artists of their own, and although some of them lack confidence, I see the makings of great things in their pursuit. One of my battles is trying to figure out how to be what I'm supposed to be. Both as a teacher and a vocalist, there is an expectation from people for me to be inspiring. I wish I were an inspiring, admirable person, but really, most of the time I'm just a stumbling socially-awkward fool. I enjoy looking up and seeing where I could go and what challenges I might be able to get through, but it is easy to really be down on myself and upset when nothing gratifying is visible. I'm not a naturally positive person, but I have been trying to change. I admire the positive people in my life, and as one of my band leaders told me, I want to find something to laugh about every day and do one thing I enjoy. I try to be a bit more forgiving of myself...its just hard when I feel like I cant please the people around me who matter.
Well, for some good news...I've been trying to study more. I've written lyrics for possibly...4 songs (though, I have to try to translate and fix some parts and get the approval of band members). I hope at least one makes it through the scrutiny! haha. I've been fighting with myself physically again, too, though. My throat and joints have been painfully swollen...I cut back my practice regimen to one hour on work days instead of my intended two hours because of the strain....I want to be so much better, though. I cant wait to be in the studio again. I want to be more than just okay...I want to head closer to amazing. Its hard learning about a vocal technique from research without a teacher here to help me. Almost everything I read advises to only learn these techniques with an instructor, but I have to do it with what I have and the awareness and training I'm equipped with. In the past month, I've browsed over various comments about my band and our music... some of it is encouraging, some is quite negative...but even with negative comments, I feel a drive to be even better. I know everyone wont like us, but I really want to give people a reason to listen. Someday, I do want to be good enough to change the world a little more with music and possibly change someone's life as the people I listened to changed mine. Someday I want to create something beautiful and worth keeping, something a bit timeless possibly, and something that forces people to really feel.
Well, all that said, I'm going to go practice a bit....
Well, for some good news...I've been trying to study more. I've written lyrics for possibly...4 songs (though, I have to try to translate and fix some parts and get the approval of band members). I hope at least one makes it through the scrutiny! haha. I've been fighting with myself physically again, too, though. My throat and joints have been painfully swollen...I cut back my practice regimen to one hour on work days instead of my intended two hours because of the strain....I want to be so much better, though. I cant wait to be in the studio again. I want to be more than just okay...I want to head closer to amazing. Its hard learning about a vocal technique from research without a teacher here to help me. Almost everything I read advises to only learn these techniques with an instructor, but I have to do it with what I have and the awareness and training I'm equipped with. In the past month, I've browsed over various comments about my band and our music... some of it is encouraging, some is quite negative...but even with negative comments, I feel a drive to be even better. I know everyone wont like us, but I really want to give people a reason to listen. Someday, I do want to be good enough to change the world a little more with music and possibly change someone's life as the people I listened to changed mine. Someday I want to create something beautiful and worth keeping, something a bit timeless possibly, and something that forces people to really feel.
Well, all that said, I'm going to go practice a bit....
Monday, June 25, 2012
All Intent, but....
I really do just not have enough patience for what I am sometimes. My mind is always on edge, my reactions are jumpy and poorly timed. I often hear something to the effect of "フライング" or... "Not yet!" I have poor patience, mostly in my eagerness to do something right for once or do something for others....I have all the intent to do well, to do the job "right," however...I find my ability falling short most of the time, for one reason or another. I try. I try all the time. I try hard, and whole-heartedly. But trying isn't good enough for most things. It's so terribly miserable being like this all the time. It hurts to the core to watch almost every task slip through my fingers. I'm clumsy and I have no common sense...I can be truly ridiculous to watch sometimes...like when I was trying to prepare dinner tonight and managed to burn my hands with miso soup when I tried to gingerly place a bowl on a tray...to avoid spilling it when attempting to carry it. I feel hopeless. I try to take preventive measures, and even those result in disasters. I try to avoid embarrassment in public by having someone else do tasks that require any kind of delicacy or grace. If only I could really...do stuff. Most of the time, I feel like I'm losing my sanity over something, mulling over things that can't just...go right.
I want to really go back to what I'm "good at," instead of bringing hands of ruin to the table all the time , making chaos happen just by "touching" something. Oh, if only the thoughts in my head worked out... Lately, it's been so hard to really like myself, to feel okay, to feel like I've been accomplishing things. Someday, I want my words to mean something and to help build a different kind of world with music...but as aforementioned, I'm not really good at anything yet. =_=; Oh, dreams...if only I weren't stumbling and tripping after them, if only I could just run forward with my head high.
I want to really go back to what I'm "good at," instead of bringing hands of ruin to the table all the time , making chaos happen just by "touching" something. Oh, if only the thoughts in my head worked out... Lately, it's been so hard to really like myself, to feel okay, to feel like I've been accomplishing things. Someday, I want my words to mean something and to help build a different kind of world with music...but as aforementioned, I'm not really good at anything yet. =_=; Oh, dreams...if only I weren't stumbling and tripping after them, if only I could just run forward with my head high.
Monday, June 18, 2012
The side effects of living disapproved.
The past few months have given me a lot to think about as far as life is concerned... What I'm capable and not capable of right now, what kinds of people are in my life... Lots and lots of thinking and not enough sleep.
One of my friends recently brought to light a situation they have with a relationship... A rather seemingly abusive relationship. I know there are two sides to every story and only one look into a situation by no means gives one the right to righteously judge. I will voice, however, that being on the receiving end of detriment, whether it be physical, emotional, or mental, is something that inflicts damage long after whatever visible marks or apparent words have faded. I bring this up because these kinds of battles are never-ending. A person can be tormented relentlessly by someone else, and yet, if the tormentor holds a certain position in that person's life, it becomes a struggle of self-worth, esteem, and being able to find an identity outside of what the tormentor leads the victim to believe. The problem when this person is a family member, let alone a parent, it creates a kind of hole that can't ever seem to be filled. No matter how much or how many times wounded, approval and attention and forgiveness for "being a certain way" is sought.
It's so hard for me to not be angered with myself at times when rationally, I know what's going on is wrong and there's nothing I can do to change the other person or he situation. A self-fulfilling prophesy of rejection and pain, I tend to repeat the same actions in hopes that someday, the person will wake up to see the dagger they've pierced me with and how it has twisted in the wounds it has created.
Over the past few months, I've made the mistake of trying to share parts of myself and my life that are better left kept safe from the eyes of those who can't and won't understand. As made clear by many previous posts, music is a huge, if not consuming part of my life. Joining my band has been the greatest, most wonderful thing I've ever done for myself. I've been given a perfect outlet to not only better myself in different ways, but to put all of myself into what I love and feel good doing it. Instead of just accepting that my path deviates from any previously conceived expectation for me, I was again shown the disdain and un-acceptance. I repeated feelings of misery and guilt and wonder why I can just never be good enough. It's always after I feel I've accomplished a little more and try to show the product of my effort and hard work that it's followed by responses of dissatisfaction and questions of "why couldn't you be like _____?" or "why couldn't you just ____?" those questions have taken stabs at me my entire life, comparing me to other people I'll never be like and disapproving what I can't help but be. I have the foolish hope that some day, the judgement will stop and they can step back and see how hard I've fought all my life just to do and be what I am. Those who comfortably pull wool over their eyes, though, care not to remove their coverings and look around at what's really there. The rational part of me knows this, but the hungry and needy part of me continues with the losing, sick game of approval-seeking.
I've made my friends my family for a reason. Many of them have supported me more than anyone eske could. Yet, there will always be something missing, and remnants of fear. Ive tried to overcome all this, but all I can really do is cover it and hope the wrong people can't see. The phrase "I always hoped you would_____" is terrible. Way to dismiss how far a person has come and what they've done. Even if they have a far way to go still, discounting their success in doing what they're doing because it's what they want is kind of unforgivable in my eyes... So finding ways to forgive being slighted forever has been a real challenge. On the other hand, it's taught ne how NOT to be and how important my friends and all the positive and giving and good people in my life are.
Err.. In other news, my first haircut was a success and my friends are truly wonderful and beautiful people. I'm not sure where I'd be without their support, but I do know I'm where I am now because they've helped me so much. (#^.^#)
Thursday, June 14, 2012
CHRONOS' 1st LIVE PV videos!!
I am so, so excited to have Chronos' recorded performance available to others now. We had to edit it by layering our demo tracks on top because the PA sound quality was terrible (you'll see some parts are a little off), but as a first performance and as a preview of what we can do and what's to come, I feel it's still great! Every time I watch these, I can't help but smile...not just because I'm re-living the moment and watching from a different view, but because I honestly feel more and more convinced that someday, we can and will make a great movement in music and reach alot of people.
I talked to some students today after class, and told them that part of the whole dream of this band is to unite people internationally with something that transcends boundaries. Music is a beautiful thing, and being able to share it is such a great gift in itself. ^_^
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
A Day in the Life of a Model....kind of ^^;
About a month ago, on my way home from work at the train station, a young woman approached Kenji and me. I thought nothing of it, assuming she was going to ask for directions or something...I didn't pay too much attention at first since I also assumed she needed an explanation from a fluent speaker ^^; I heard a murmur of "kanojou ha kirei desu ne!" and looked over at her, surprised and a little embarassed. I saw her pull out a business card and she explained that she worked at a salon. She pulled out a magazine and then asked something I thought would never be asked for from someone like me.....a model? Really?....**Really?~~!!** I was a bit stunned as we briefly agreed to her request and walked away. I put it in the back of my mind, thinking it was kind of another joke life wanted to play on me.
A few weeks passed, and it came down to the day before the photoshoot. I found myself riding a strange bus route and wandering up a hill past a rice field to a small salon seemingly out in the middle of nowhere with Kenji. The familiar face of the girl peered out of the doorway, then she rushed put to meet us as we neared. We were ushered up the staires to a 2nd floor with a great atmosphere! (I couldn't help but take a pic)>>>^.^ She had me change into different clothes and explained her intended image for the next day. She then carefully fit a wig on my head and applied a test round of make-up. After having had my make-up done by a make-up artist before (with my band) ^^; I have to say, it really is an enjoyable experience to be pampered in some way by another person. I sometimes wonder if I'd appreciate it quite this much if I were in fact living a luxurious lifestyle that allowed such decadence more than once or twice a year. Well...having it done every once in awhile is definitely appreciated, though...She was really gentle and caring in the way she applied and checked everything. I tried not to get too relaxed so I could stay really still for her sake. After all the prep, she had me stand and do trial poses...she seemed to be really satisfied and after awhile of more talking, we called it a night.
I just love bird cages~! ^.^
The next morning, I met her at the station, and she drove us to the salon, where just the two of us spent a good hour and a half of quality time alone. She prepped and readied things ever so carefully, seemingly more and more excited with how much I "could talk." The conversation started off with her eagerly trying to entertain me with Dir en Grey on youtube. I tried to warn her that the music was rather dark and not easy listening, but she insisted on giving it a try. Almost ironically, she clicked a youtube link to a song from their Uroboros album. After the intro, Kyo's low growl blared from the little laptop's speakers and she surprisedly glanced over at me in the mirror. I just laughed a little and explained to her what I felt his concept in music was...she continued by commenting that she had previously thought I might like lighter things like...pop. Then she told me of a client who is friends with them during their tours in the US...the conversation carried on and over many things, including her asking how to say things in English. ^_^ She was just so pleasant and sweet.
After the other stylist and model arrived, we spent a few more moments getting ready and then we hit the road for about an hour commute to the other salon, the setting of the actual photo-shoot. The other salon was a buzzing, bustling mess of beauticians, models, and hairspray. I didn't feel as much like a sore thumb as I thought I might have.
Everyone was pretty absorbed in their tasks, and we set up shop pretty quickly. Ueno-san (the stylist) really fussed over me all day. She constantly worried about me and how I felt, if the wig hurt me, if I was hot or cold, thirsty or hungry, needed something... I know part of it was her job, but she really did go out of her way and worried about me way too much...I tried to show my concern for her, too...offering a seat or trying to help, but she always refused. She re-touched up my make-up, applied more cool liquid orange and red eyeliner, powder, blush, lipstick, styled and teased the wig and extensions...she tirelessly fixed everything with so much energy.
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| My preview look equipped with stars ^^ |
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| The two stylists, me, and the other model(Aiko) ^0^ |
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After painstakingly holding it in for a few more moments, the shoot came to an end and I was free to slump over in a chair as the other model from the salon took her turn. It was fun just to sit back and watch people come and go, new people set up, primp, prep, pose...onlookers watching and commenting...I wondered if some people were used to living like this on a relatively normal basis. It seemed fun, but kind of stressful...I asked Ueno-san a bit more and told her I thought she must have a fun job, doing things like this and making an image to work with. She agreed and nervously giggled at my curious questions.
Eventually the long day (when I say long, I mean like 8 hours of this) came to an end and we were on the road again, headed back to Sakai. It really was a fun experience to get a taste of what it would be like. For one whole day as Lauren I really felt pretty. ^.^; (Iris is different..it's hard to explain)
Who knew twisting into strange statue-esque poses could make something as cool as this? (The photographer let me take a picture of one of the unedited pics he shot ^0^ ) I wish you could see the awesome make-up job, but for some reason, they wanted to focus on making me noticably pale and I guess to bring out my eye color...but my eyeliner was so cool!! >_<; shimmering orange..it was awesomeness. Anyways, it was fun, regardless of the outcome...I just hope something good comes out of it for those girls. They worked so hard, I really do hope they win the contest they entered ^.^; And I truly am thankful to have had this experience..it was so fun to feel different in a good way!
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Rant of the Recent...
I have been trying to focus more and more on my vocal and athletic health since last month. It became really apparent to me in May with my fight against allergies that as a vocalist, the condition of my throat and everything surrounding it is an on-going balance of maintenance, training, and awareness. I feel like I've been at a slight disadvantage. If I were really able to, I'd want a vocal coach to help me improve more, faster..but the techniques I use are a combination of classical style, mixed with more of a performing arts/belting now. I really do not know much at all about what is offered here, but my impression is that it's few and far between and quite possibly very expensive to find a good match for these needs here...that, and my fluency is way too low to get professional instruction and understand it all..haha. Well, my point is, I've been trying to do all the research and practice and scheduling on my own. The internet is a wonderful thing that has allowed me a window into the world of vocal training and perspective, but it's still hard sometimes to know if I am taking the right approach. As I have said before, I want to become stronger as a vocalist. Athletically, I've been trying to focus on building my diaphragm more with strange excercises at the local park that earn me a few stares sometimes...I run laps up and down stairs, inhaling or hissing, trying to get my breath to last longer and longer and keeping the pressure heavy on my diaphragm. I know it looks strange. There are a lot of things I have discovered that help/are necessary for me now that are really strange. I used to be really really embarassed, but I'm starting to ease my way away from that. Anyways, despite the progress, I think I will continuously be frustrated. My voice is high and weak. Pitch-wise, it's okay for singing, but for MC...well, that's laughable. Being weak, though...not good. Not good for this industry, not good for the competition I'm having to face.
Recently, I've been so stressed out. The changes in job, living with a person who has high expectations and compulsive behavior (something really stressful to deal with alone), feeling like I'm not doing well in what I do again (the starting over/learning new things position =_=), and added pressure to push myself further in what I love to do....it's all added up to a constant strained feeling in my chest. Sometimes I experience panic attacks at no particular time, sometimes I just feel depressed all over and really unaccomplished. I feel so divided right now. Part of me is in a state of self-loathing, hating how low my level of communication ability is right now, frustrated at how frequent my mistakes are, and the other part is trying so hard to stay positive with reminding myself how wonderful and amazing the people around me are, how lucky I am to be here and have a job, how great it is to have what I have and experience what I am...I really can't hold on to any static emotion or thought. It's exhausting...
I did have an interesting experience today, though. On my way to the park, I encountered two very curious 8-year olds who inquired about where I was from, my age, why my eyes are blue, why my sunglasses are green, why my nails are long, giggled over the American rock music I was listening to, asked about America and if I ate with chopsticks, why I had so many freckles.... I really didn't mind the conversation. They were sweet little girls and the fact that they wanted to talk to me instead of staring like I was going to suck their blood was refreshing. As we finished the conversation, they asked me why I was going to the park down the road, and not the one up the hill from where I came (really, a kid's playground). They told me that one was much better because it has a bus and a water fountain to play in. I just laughed with the thought of how people would react if I actually ventured in there and explained that the park I was going to was large and had a lake....so they bid me farewell, and I continued on my way to do my usual routine in the park. It made me feel a little better about myself that I understood about 95% of what they said or asked. It's so easy to feel bad about my level of ignorance sometimes. I want to study more and learn more...but my schedule has been changing too much to keep up the studies.
Argh...there's always something happening. Something to deal with, something to get over, something to get by...sometimes this place can feel very lonely, especially when you're stuck in your head most of the time. I miss my friends in the US. I miss my dog. I miss American food and working at the vet. I miss being ignored when it's fine to be ignored and acknowledged when needed to be. (often, it's the opposite here). There are many, many things I carry around and try not to think about...maybe that's why I try to stay so busy...but there are times when it catches up to me.
Tomorrow is another day....^.^ and this week will be the first time in over a year I'll have my hair cut...first time ever in Japan. Wish me luck...~
Recently, I've been so stressed out. The changes in job, living with a person who has high expectations and compulsive behavior (something really stressful to deal with alone), feeling like I'm not doing well in what I do again (the starting over/learning new things position =_=), and added pressure to push myself further in what I love to do....it's all added up to a constant strained feeling in my chest. Sometimes I experience panic attacks at no particular time, sometimes I just feel depressed all over and really unaccomplished. I feel so divided right now. Part of me is in a state of self-loathing, hating how low my level of communication ability is right now, frustrated at how frequent my mistakes are, and the other part is trying so hard to stay positive with reminding myself how wonderful and amazing the people around me are, how lucky I am to be here and have a job, how great it is to have what I have and experience what I am...I really can't hold on to any static emotion or thought. It's exhausting...
I did have an interesting experience today, though. On my way to the park, I encountered two very curious 8-year olds who inquired about where I was from, my age, why my eyes are blue, why my sunglasses are green, why my nails are long, giggled over the American rock music I was listening to, asked about America and if I ate with chopsticks, why I had so many freckles.... I really didn't mind the conversation. They were sweet little girls and the fact that they wanted to talk to me instead of staring like I was going to suck their blood was refreshing. As we finished the conversation, they asked me why I was going to the park down the road, and not the one up the hill from where I came (really, a kid's playground). They told me that one was much better because it has a bus and a water fountain to play in. I just laughed with the thought of how people would react if I actually ventured in there and explained that the park I was going to was large and had a lake....so they bid me farewell, and I continued on my way to do my usual routine in the park. It made me feel a little better about myself that I understood about 95% of what they said or asked. It's so easy to feel bad about my level of ignorance sometimes. I want to study more and learn more...but my schedule has been changing too much to keep up the studies.
Argh...there's always something happening. Something to deal with, something to get over, something to get by...sometimes this place can feel very lonely, especially when you're stuck in your head most of the time. I miss my friends in the US. I miss my dog. I miss American food and working at the vet. I miss being ignored when it's fine to be ignored and acknowledged when needed to be. (often, it's the opposite here). There are many, many things I carry around and try not to think about...maybe that's why I try to stay so busy...but there are times when it catches up to me.
Tomorrow is another day....^.^ and this week will be the first time in over a year I'll have my hair cut...first time ever in Japan. Wish me luck...~
Monday, June 4, 2012
The Little Things That Add Up To Now...
I really want to continue on the feelings I've had for the past 48 hours. These emotions have spanned from dark and deep feelings close to that of depression (but not, because of the context of them) to more utter amazement and speechlessness.
Last night was a celebration. My band went out drinking to celebrate our first performance and to encourage each other to keep up the hard work for our next show. It was truly an event of mixed emotions for me. I had been looking forward to really trying to talk about the previous weekend with specifically two of the members because I hadn't the chance previously. As the leader discussed over prospects dealing with her absence, my mind wandered in and out. I'm not sure I understood everything, but I guess I'll see later on what I didn't get. >_<;
As we drank more and my confidence built a little, I got up the courage to ask the guitarist for feedback. I asked him if his friends who saw our show said anything. He hesitated first, then said, "...they said many things." I pressed more, "...for example?" He reluctantly gave way, "For example,' oh...your vocalist is a gaijin?.'.and ' only a vocalist?" I drew back and thought hard for a moment. I didn't really know what to say. I was aware that his acquaintances more than likely had adverse reactions to us. After all, not only am I a foreigner in a Japanese band, but I'm a woman in visual kei. Both of those things are such rarities, the combination is literally unheard of right now. It's not that I was hurt or discouraged from his answer. I took it as more of a reason to become better. What worries me, though, is what happens next.
Of course,this sent me into a spiral of deep thoughts again, and because I can't lie...the other members noticed. After leaving the first izakaya, the guitarist headed home, clutching an AKB photobook (his birthday present) gleefully. I followed the keyboardist closely, while the drummer and bassist lagged drunkenly behind. I heard the drummer comment on my change in demeanor, and so when we sat down at the next place, a serious conversation ensued. I told them about my previous investigation and my thoughts about it. I told them that his friends wouldn't have had those questions if I had been good. If I were a great vocalist, there would be no only a vocalist..? comment. They refuted my thoughts heatedly. The keyboardist first quietly told me that I was worrying way too much about it, and to just work as hard as I'm able to and to not push too hard. The leader then leaned over the table and insistently repeated that she wanted me as the vocalist and that those questions would have been asked anyways because we're women in VK.(something still kind of taboo). Despite all the love and assurance I got from that point onward into the night, I still thought deeply about what I need to improve. After decidedly getting drunk from screwdrivers to drown out my thoughts for awhile, I found it was time for us to part. The drummer and bassist staggared along together and took a ride home together in a friend's car. I meandered around with the keyboardist for awhile, restless. He offered more of his time, so we ended up talking more deeply about the issues at hand while time flew past the time my last train home left. In a sense, I was relieved. I had needed that discussion, and so when we figured out how to get me to my bassist's house, I was even more happy. I knew I was being bad again and causing trouble...but I love being around them so much, being with my band members outside of practice is just as important to me. After stopping at a convenience store for more beer and sweets, I headed on my way to her house. From there, more talking. The next morning, more talking and laughing about the night before. I had the great honor of not only watching the dvd from our performance with her and getting her feedback, but also watching a recording of one of her previous bands. It really was amazing. The vocalist's stage performance and voice were strong, one of the guitarists played riffs comparable to Versailles (metal-style, fast), and my bassist had that strong aura, even then. She proceeded to explain that that band had been together for 6 months. The first month, she had composed all the music, which they narrowed down and selected for the purpose of performance, and from there proceeded to perform show after show and collect hundreds of fans. I was really amazed. I feel so incredibly lucky to have these people in my life and to be in the position of being wanted by them. The only thing I would like to change is my insecure feelings about the guitarist. I want him to stay so badly...I want him to change his mind about just being "help" and decide on being a real, static member of this band. When that day comes, I'll really feel unbelievably fortunate....therefore....I have to prove myself and make us irreplacable in his eyes. The next stretch is definitely a huge challenge, but, as always, I ACCEPT!
Last night was a celebration. My band went out drinking to celebrate our first performance and to encourage each other to keep up the hard work for our next show. It was truly an event of mixed emotions for me. I had been looking forward to really trying to talk about the previous weekend with specifically two of the members because I hadn't the chance previously. As the leader discussed over prospects dealing with her absence, my mind wandered in and out. I'm not sure I understood everything, but I guess I'll see later on what I didn't get. >_<;
As we drank more and my confidence built a little, I got up the courage to ask the guitarist for feedback. I asked him if his friends who saw our show said anything. He hesitated first, then said, "...they said many things." I pressed more, "...for example?" He reluctantly gave way, "For example,' oh...your vocalist is a gaijin?.'.and ' only a vocalist?" I drew back and thought hard for a moment. I didn't really know what to say. I was aware that his acquaintances more than likely had adverse reactions to us. After all, not only am I a foreigner in a Japanese band, but I'm a woman in visual kei. Both of those things are such rarities, the combination is literally unheard of right now. It's not that I was hurt or discouraged from his answer. I took it as more of a reason to become better. What worries me, though, is what happens next.
Of course,this sent me into a spiral of deep thoughts again, and because I can't lie...the other members noticed. After leaving the first izakaya, the guitarist headed home, clutching an AKB photobook (his birthday present) gleefully. I followed the keyboardist closely, while the drummer and bassist lagged drunkenly behind. I heard the drummer comment on my change in demeanor, and so when we sat down at the next place, a serious conversation ensued. I told them about my previous investigation and my thoughts about it. I told them that his friends wouldn't have had those questions if I had been good. If I were a great vocalist, there would be no only a vocalist..? comment. They refuted my thoughts heatedly. The keyboardist first quietly told me that I was worrying way too much about it, and to just work as hard as I'm able to and to not push too hard. The leader then leaned over the table and insistently repeated that she wanted me as the vocalist and that those questions would have been asked anyways because we're women in VK.(something still kind of taboo). Despite all the love and assurance I got from that point onward into the night, I still thought deeply about what I need to improve. After decidedly getting drunk from screwdrivers to drown out my thoughts for awhile, I found it was time for us to part. The drummer and bassist staggared along together and took a ride home together in a friend's car. I meandered around with the keyboardist for awhile, restless. He offered more of his time, so we ended up talking more deeply about the issues at hand while time flew past the time my last train home left. In a sense, I was relieved. I had needed that discussion, and so when we figured out how to get me to my bassist's house, I was even more happy. I knew I was being bad again and causing trouble...but I love being around them so much, being with my band members outside of practice is just as important to me. After stopping at a convenience store for more beer and sweets, I headed on my way to her house. From there, more talking. The next morning, more talking and laughing about the night before. I had the great honor of not only watching the dvd from our performance with her and getting her feedback, but also watching a recording of one of her previous bands. It really was amazing. The vocalist's stage performance and voice were strong, one of the guitarists played riffs comparable to Versailles (metal-style, fast), and my bassist had that strong aura, even then. She proceeded to explain that that band had been together for 6 months. The first month, she had composed all the music, which they narrowed down and selected for the purpose of performance, and from there proceeded to perform show after show and collect hundreds of fans. I was really amazed. I feel so incredibly lucky to have these people in my life and to be in the position of being wanted by them. The only thing I would like to change is my insecure feelings about the guitarist. I want him to stay so badly...I want him to change his mind about just being "help" and decide on being a real, static member of this band. When that day comes, I'll really feel unbelievably fortunate....therefore....I have to prove myself and make us irreplacable in his eyes. The next stretch is definitely a huge challenge, but, as always, I ACCEPT!
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