The side effects of living disapproved.

The past few months have given me a lot to think about as far as life is concerned... What I'm capable and not capable of right now, what kinds of people are in my life... Lots and lots of thinking and not enough sleep. One of my friends recently brought to light a situation they have with a relationship... A rather seemingly abusive relationship. I know there are two sides to every story and only one look into a situation by no means gives one the right to righteously judge. I will voice, however, that being on the receiving end of detriment, whether it be physical, emotional, or mental, is something that inflicts damage long after whatever visible marks or apparent words have faded. I bring this up because these kinds of battles are never-ending. A person can be tormented relentlessly by someone else, and yet, if the tormentor holds a certain position in that person's life, it becomes a struggle of self-worth, esteem, and being able to find an identity outside of what the tormentor leads the victim to believe. The problem when this person is a family member, let alone a parent, it creates a kind of hole that can't ever seem to be filled. No matter how much or how many times wounded, approval and attention and forgiveness for "being a certain way" is sought. It's so hard for me to not be angered with myself at times when rationally, I know what's going on is wrong and there's nothing I can do to change the other person or he situation. A self-fulfilling prophesy of rejection and pain, I tend to repeat the same actions in hopes that someday, the person will wake up to see the dagger they've pierced me with and how it has twisted in the wounds it has created. Over the past few months, I've made the mistake of trying to share parts of myself and my life that are better left kept safe from the eyes of those who can't and won't understand. As made clear by many previous posts, music is a huge, if not consuming part of my life. Joining my band has been the greatest, most wonderful thing I've ever done for myself. I've been given a perfect outlet to not only better myself in different ways, but to put all of myself into what I love and feel good doing it. Instead of just accepting that my path deviates from any previously conceived expectation for me, I was again shown the disdain and un-acceptance. I repeated feelings of misery and guilt and wonder why I can just never be good enough. It's always after I feel I've accomplished a little more and try to show the product of my effort and hard work that it's followed by responses of dissatisfaction and questions of "why couldn't you be like _____?" or "why couldn't you just ____?" those questions have taken stabs at me my entire life, comparing me to other people I'll never be like and disapproving what I can't help but be. I have the foolish hope that some day, the judgement will stop and they can step back and see how hard I've fought all my life just to do and be what I am. Those who comfortably pull wool over their eyes, though, care not to remove their coverings and look around at what's really there. The rational part of me knows this, but the hungry and needy part of me continues with the losing, sick game of approval-seeking. I've made my friends my family for a reason. Many of them have supported me more than anyone eske could. Yet, there will always be something missing, and remnants of fear. Ive tried to overcome all this, but all I can really do is cover it and hope the wrong people can't see. The phrase "I always hoped you would_____" is terrible. Way to dismiss how far a person has come and what they've done. Even if they have a far way to go still, discounting their success in doing what they're doing because it's what they want is kind of unforgivable in my eyes... So finding ways to forgive being slighted forever has been a real challenge. On the other hand, it's taught ne how NOT to be and how important my friends and all the positive and giving and good people in my life are. Err.. In other news, my first haircut was a success and my friends are truly wonderful and beautiful people. I'm not sure where I'd be without their support, but I do know I'm where I am now because they've helped me so much. (#^.^#)