I really want to continue on the feelings I've had for the past 48 hours. These emotions have spanned from dark and deep feelings close to that of depression (but not, because of the context of them) to more utter amazement and speechlessness.
Last night was a celebration. My band went out drinking to celebrate our first performance and to encourage each other to keep up the hard work for our next show. It was truly an event of mixed emotions for me. I had been looking forward to really trying to talk about the previous weekend with specifically two of the members because I hadn't the chance previously. As the leader discussed over prospects dealing with her absence, my mind wandered in and out. I'm not sure I understood everything, but I guess I'll see later on what I didn't get. >_<;
As we drank more and my confidence built a little, I got up the courage to ask the guitarist for feedback. I asked him if his friends who saw our show said anything. He hesitated first, then said, "...they said many things." I pressed more, "...for example?" He reluctantly gave way, "For example,' oh...your vocalist is a gaijin?.'.and ' only a vocalist?" I drew back and thought hard for a moment. I didn't really know what to say. I was aware that his acquaintances more than likely had adverse reactions to us. After all, not only am I a foreigner in a Japanese band, but I'm a woman in visual kei. Both of those things are such rarities, the combination is literally unheard of right now. It's not that I was hurt or discouraged from his answer. I took it as more of a reason to become better. What worries me, though, is what happens next.
Of course,this sent me into a spiral of deep thoughts again, and because I can't lie...the other members noticed. After leaving the first izakaya, the guitarist headed home, clutching an AKB photobook (his birthday present) gleefully. I followed the keyboardist closely, while the drummer and bassist lagged drunkenly behind. I heard the drummer comment on my change in demeanor, and so when we sat down at the next place, a serious conversation ensued. I told them about my previous investigation and my thoughts about it. I told them that his friends wouldn't have had those questions if I had been good. If I were a great vocalist, there would be no only a vocalist..? comment. They refuted my thoughts heatedly. The keyboardist first quietly told me that I was worrying way too much about it, and to just work as hard as I'm able to and to not push too hard. The leader then leaned over the table and insistently repeated that she wanted me as the vocalist and that those questions would have been asked anyways because we're women in VK.(something still kind of taboo). Despite all the love and assurance I got from that point onward into the night, I still thought deeply about what I need to improve. After decidedly getting drunk from screwdrivers to drown out my thoughts for awhile, I found it was time for us to part. The drummer and bassist staggared along together and took a ride home together in a friend's car. I meandered around with the keyboardist for awhile, restless. He offered more of his time, so we ended up talking more deeply about the issues at hand while time flew past the time my last train home left. In a sense, I was relieved. I had needed that discussion, and so when we figured out how to get me to my bassist's house, I was even more happy. I knew I was being bad again and causing trouble...but I love being around them so much, being with my band members outside of practice is just as important to me. After stopping at a convenience store for more beer and sweets, I headed on my way to her house. From there, more talking. The next morning, more talking and laughing about the night before. I had the great honor of not only watching the dvd from our performance with her and getting her feedback, but also watching a recording of one of her previous bands. It really was amazing. The vocalist's stage performance and voice were strong, one of the guitarists played riffs comparable to Versailles (metal-style, fast), and my bassist had that strong aura, even then. She proceeded to explain that that band had been together for 6 months. The first month, she had composed all the music, which they narrowed down and selected for the purpose of performance, and from there proceeded to perform show after show and collect hundreds of fans. I was really amazed. I feel so incredibly lucky to have these people in my life and to be in the position of being wanted by them. The only thing I would like to change is my insecure feelings about the guitarist. I want him to stay so badly...I want him to change his mind about just being "help" and decide on being a real, static member of this band. When that day comes, I'll really feel unbelievably fortunate....therefore....I have to prove myself and make us irreplacable in his eyes. The next stretch is definitely a huge challenge, but, as always, I ACCEPT!
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