9/20
There was a meeting...if you can call it that. More like a disorganized and lopsided convening of "I have done blah blah blah, I'm so damn accomplished blah" from one end, and accusations,avoidance, and dismissiveness on the other. I tried so hard to maintain composure as I was drilled with retarded and irrelevant questions. I responded. I even repeated myself several times....but what got to me is that I asked the same question 5 times and it wasn't given an answer. It was laughed at, scoffed at, then berated at with more "me, me, me...I've done this...blahblah" bullshit. What exactly was the point of participating in any part of the meeting? My formalities and greetings were pointed out, laughed at, and criticized. Questions were deflected as usual, and then blame was moved of course over to me and away from the actual problem. It's my fault they didn't respond to an email 2 weeks prior to a class because I managed to "ignore what they agreed on in a meeting and make a lesson based on something they didn't want to use." Oh. Okay. My fault entirely that there was not only no response verbally (something EASY) or written, and the plans were disregarded and ill-formed and the class wasn't planned until the day-of. Ok, my fault. ^__^ Oh...and it's my fault I don't take an hour break on Wednesdays because my schedule is literally crammed full with class stacked after class...yeah, because I have control of my schedule, that's my fault. I see a great and awesome pattern here. So why don't I consult and ask more questions? Why don't I confirm information? Hmmmm.... I *do* believe this is something I have written about repeatedly. What a hypocritical, dim-witted, avoidant, rude, irresponsible and irrational person I've come to let myself work for. Amazing....I'm so stressed that two out of three work days this week, my body decided to start the day by puking. Yep. Ralphing in the morning....it's time to stop.Let's just see if the boat floats after I jump ship. If I were so damn "important," you'd think they would treat me better...you know, like a human. A respectable person with experience and intellect that is valuable when it comes to maintaining classes and student satisfaction. But soon...very soon...I plan to find my way out of this suffocating joke and step away...far away from what misery they seem to think I should be consumed by. Whatever has possessed them to think I deserve disrespect and ridicule and insignificant criticism on a regular and constant basis, well, 'tis their disease to rid of or die of. I pity the fools that really believe that I'm truly buying and eating all this bullshit from their spoon.
9/22
I am hopeful of progress. I see the makings of my escape. Yesterday was spent with some wonderful people, people who are not just my soon-to-be- former students, but people who have really genuinely cared and taken care of me better than I have been able to for them. I was completely decisive from my wonderful "consultation," and more information was brought to light for me that made my blood boil. Apparently, after the meeting, a job availability was posted online for a position at this company. Offering higher than they are willing to pay me. After they told me they couldn't pay me what they previously had agreed to. Lies....they keep growing. And multiplying. I feel like there's an exponential procreation right over my head among the twisted verbal abuse and manipulation. I feel even more sick.....but back to the good stuff!
So, these wonderful people spent time trying to console me, help me, even cheer me up and make me laugh. Some of them accompanied me to my destination, which in turn put things into the works....And faster than I had thought. I came in to work (the good job) today and found that the doctor had typed up a contract in hopes of supporting my transition under the same visa. I'm truly moved by this quick and sincere action and truly grateful to be working here....my co-workers asked me a bit about my current predicament. I was more than comforted when I saw their reactions of sighs of "さやく。。。" (that's/she's the worst ) and contorted expressions of mixed concern and disgust. Yeah, I don't understand the treatment either...but at least I have my friends and these new co-workers there behind me. After lunch we resumed grooming...today we had the joy of bathing and trimming a cat.
If you can imagine the hilarity in putting a fluffy cat in a full-on head mask then two e-collars and splaying it out on a table as it hissed, roared, screamed and growled in rage, well...imagine holding one down for about half and hour. At first there was the initial trim, and then the bath. When we moved the cat over to the washing rack and it lay screaming and spitting in the agony of being wet, then one of my co-workers looked over me and laughed, saying, "So, this is like your boss?" To add to the comedy, the cat raised its head in our direction and let out an angry yowl. I couldn't help but laugh and say yes. It's helped me so much, the people in my life right now....some of them give me advice of being "blind and deaf" to certain things so that my thoughts aren't overly plagued. Some have told me they'll do all they can to make sure I can leave. Others just do the great service of listening and being there. I have much fortune....I know I am lucky in many ways. I just need to be able to make this last leap to freedom.
So....I'm holding my breath. This week...determines what I do next. >_<;
9/25
So, yesterday was a success in more ways than one. I managed to find immigration and talked with officials there. They were very surprised I was there to update and change things with my visa before quitting. "So...it's okay to quit?" I kept repeating my question, wide-eyed. The official laughed a little, a bit stunned at my eagerness to process everything before due time. He told me to wait for a moment and then explained again to me that I can quit and then change jobs. After that (in at least a month's time) I can go to immigration with the new company's information and handed me paperwork for later. So....I can leave? I CAN!!! Freedom! The feeling of liberation is incredible. I know I am still not out of the water quite yet, but at least I am reaching the shore of opportunity.
Today was another "performance," where my students and I participated in antics at a kindergarten. The place was great, though...they even had birds and bunny rabbits and fish living in the open garden in center of the school near a pool and amongst flowers and trees. I joked that I wanted to go there as a student to learn...but really, it would be a great place to be if I were able to! ^^ Well, of course, in spite of last-minute changes from the day before (...no surprise there) at the discretion of the...management....my students did wonderfully in their performance as well as conducting the flow of the production and later activities. Actually, before and after, I had the great experience of riding on a motorcycle!!!
I have always wanted to...I'm lucky to have a friend who was able and willing to let me try riding as a passenger today. The weather was perfect....cool Fall breezes warmed by the sun, the sky bright and blue and clear with the occasional fluffy cloud...as I gripped his belt tightly, I tried to keep relaxed. I leaned in the same direction when turning and enjoyed every long stretch of road where we sped up...but I was able to look around at the rice fields and rivers and mountains of Nara and really appreciate my life again in a moment of simplicity...I haven't felt that calm, simple peacefulness for awhile. It was so wonderful. I'd like to believe that things are really about to turn for the better again and the sickness that has plagued me will leave and I can thrive as a person again. I know, with everyone's recent support I really am doing the right thing, the thing that's best for me. For the sake of myself and those around me, I'm going through with this! I'll be better physically and mentally and I'll be stronger and more able soon. I hope to give my all to my new job and the next steps towards what lies ahead....including with Chronos!!!
9/27
My body has finally had enough...I felt today as if it were officially going to give out on me. The panic dancing in my blood, I fought with my own consciousness all day. I admittedly didn't eat anything after ralphing 3 times today... =_= this stress thing has truly been blown out of control. My throat is sore, red, swollen...my body aching all over...maybe I finally really got sick and it's not all a psychosomatic meltdown. Tomorrow, the doctor shall give the verdict!
Well, on to my exciting roller-coaster-of-a-day... I had my last class with my favorite students...the ones who have done for and given me more than I feel I could give to them. All of these people have really given me the strength to carry through my decision and believe in what's right for me. I want so badly to be able to have more power to do good things for them.... We finished our tearful and long "farewells" and then closed with more songs..."Let it Be"...it really got to me...I looked around at all of their faces and cried more. I can't ever explain the love I have for them all, but this group of people was definitely different from any I have met before.
After a last wave, I had to proceed with my next class. The whole time, my heart beat fast... I tried to keep calm all the way past the end. I am pretty sure, though, with how self-absorbed they were, nobody noticed. Nobody ever does notice...^^; Well, this was to my benefit today. I went through my plan accordingly and signed my "love letter" and left it on top of the computer and left.
As I hastily walked towards the station, I was a bit perplexed. I thought liberation and freedom felt different than nausea....Oh.Yeah. For some odd reason, I still felt an immense amount of guilt....I'm overly cautious and overly concerned for people who really do not care much about me at all. I worry about how my actions and decisions affect others all the time...and so, even though I know I am right in doing what I need to for ME, I still have residual feelings of agony. Well, I am sure it will wane soon...I had the fortune of coming up behind a group of my students at the station. It was so relieving to have a group of people there to welcome and support me in the final moments of my decisive action. I felt faint, like I suddenly had no power left to stand, but I managed to hold most of my composure around them until I was safely on a train headed home. When I sat down, my mind literally went blank. I think for now, my body is in hardcore recovery mode....
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
I Am NOT A Robot Monkey....Pt.1
I am ashamed to say that my own pain and suffering has made me blind to the greater problems of others around me. The injuries I have been carrying have made me more selfish and unaware. I've come to a point again in my life where I feel precariously balanced on the edge and I can't seem to push forward or back in any direction. I see now how people slip through the cracks or go over the edge...how
one can be pushed too hard or far all at once and can't hold on. I'm
really getting a taste of what that reality is like. So here I am,
entangled, entwined with what threads are left, reaching for the next
thing to grasp so that I may let go and move in a direction where I can
someday be closer to what and who I want to become. For now, though, I must....wait. As I wait, though, there are fragments falling, and I can't seem to reach out and prevent the falling of any of them.
I am on the verge of taking a huge risk again, betting all I can and placing faith in something uncertain. It's scary being able to only stare at vague details....However, I have come to realize that I am really not free here. As an individual, I am in fact a second-class citizen seemingly caged in a carved out space. I refuse to abide, though. When one faces challenges and one is given few choices to make, there are two that stand out above all. To give in or....to become more creative. Creativity has always made my life worth living, so.....it's time to accept another challenge and see if I can really make it through the loophole.
My next step has been clarified in so many ways... so many people sending me the same messages to move on from the containment I've found myself trapped in. "Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy." The predicament I'm in serves me in no areas of growth, happiness, or health for that matter. I have been sick for over a month now, my body exhibiting extreme signs of stress and rejection. I have had flu- like symptoms yet I know it's not the flu. I have tension headaches at least once a week. Panic attacks weekly, toxic dreams nightly...a constant tightened knot in my chest, my body aches and is so tired, I've started falling asleep on the train again.
My leader insists that I find a way out. "You can't do anything if you're dead. You can do many, many things if you live, though. Sometimes you have to leave, walk away...even run. But the band is your job, too. For the fans, for us, leave that place. They aren't just taking from you, they're taking away from us. From your fans. From your loved ones." That really sealed it. I can't do this selfishly, even if I feel pain...but to take away from my loved ones, I can't tolerate that....Fine. It's not selfish. It's for the greater good that I leave. I know it sounds foolish for me to go on like this in increasingly poor health if not having a reason other than myself, but...well, it's just a strong part of my nature to give.... but giving, and giving, and being taken from constantly...well, it has worn away at me. What reason have I to give any more? My current position is one of the most thankless jobs I have ever had. Such ungratefulness and outright disregard for me as a human. It's ridiculous, really. I hope to laugh someday. I hope to laugh hard and long about this....but for now I am a wreck of anxiety and uncertainty. How dare they take advantage of me. How dare they constantly make demands without an ounce of respect. How dare they think I will continue to perform unquestioningly. I'm not a robot. I'm not a circus animal....I'M NOT A FUCKING ROBOT MONKEY!!! Inwardly, these things scream, yet I must remain silent. I'm intelligent and free-thinking and valuable, despite how I am treated right now. The friction continues to grow...it's all a matter of time until the match is lit and thrown...only a matter of time until the conflagration burns away what I tried to salvage. For now, I must try harder to look past my weakness and onto what great things I do have and perhaps what more I can do for others instead of focusing too much on this current wreck (me).
I am on the verge of taking a huge risk again, betting all I can and placing faith in something uncertain. It's scary being able to only stare at vague details....However, I have come to realize that I am really not free here. As an individual, I am in fact a second-class citizen seemingly caged in a carved out space. I refuse to abide, though. When one faces challenges and one is given few choices to make, there are two that stand out above all. To give in or....to become more creative. Creativity has always made my life worth living, so.....it's time to accept another challenge and see if I can really make it through the loophole.
My next step has been clarified in so many ways... so many people sending me the same messages to move on from the containment I've found myself trapped in. "Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy." The predicament I'm in serves me in no areas of growth, happiness, or health for that matter. I have been sick for over a month now, my body exhibiting extreme signs of stress and rejection. I have had flu- like symptoms yet I know it's not the flu. I have tension headaches at least once a week. Panic attacks weekly, toxic dreams nightly...a constant tightened knot in my chest, my body aches and is so tired, I've started falling asleep on the train again.
My leader insists that I find a way out. "You can't do anything if you're dead. You can do many, many things if you live, though. Sometimes you have to leave, walk away...even run. But the band is your job, too. For the fans, for us, leave that place. They aren't just taking from you, they're taking away from us. From your fans. From your loved ones." That really sealed it. I can't do this selfishly, even if I feel pain...but to take away from my loved ones, I can't tolerate that....Fine. It's not selfish. It's for the greater good that I leave. I know it sounds foolish for me to go on like this in increasingly poor health if not having a reason other than myself, but...well, it's just a strong part of my nature to give.... but giving, and giving, and being taken from constantly...well, it has worn away at me. What reason have I to give any more? My current position is one of the most thankless jobs I have ever had. Such ungratefulness and outright disregard for me as a human. It's ridiculous, really. I hope to laugh someday. I hope to laugh hard and long about this....but for now I am a wreck of anxiety and uncertainty. How dare they take advantage of me. How dare they constantly make demands without an ounce of respect. How dare they think I will continue to perform unquestioningly. I'm not a robot. I'm not a circus animal....I'M NOT A FUCKING ROBOT MONKEY!!! Inwardly, these things scream, yet I must remain silent. I'm intelligent and free-thinking and valuable, despite how I am treated right now. The friction continues to grow...it's all a matter of time until the match is lit and thrown...only a matter of time until the conflagration burns away what I tried to salvage. For now, I must try harder to look past my weakness and onto what great things I do have and perhaps what more I can do for others instead of focusing too much on this current wreck (me).
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Thoughts of Island-Hopping and Pursuant Guilt
I'm so terribly confused as of how to feel lately. So many good things happening, but also so many complications I am dealing with. First, the good!......
Well, as I mentioned before, I've started working at a place I've only imagined working at. I'm learning many things and what's different here from vet clinics in the US. I'm finding that there are some things I know how to do that aren't done by techs here (the doctor has more control of operations, even small things like shots and blood samples.) and that there are things I'll learn for the first time (like actual grooming!). I think despite the slight barrier in language, things have been going pretty well. I'm learning more words and retaining more information and overall, I can mostly express what I need to ask or say. I know I have a long way to go before I am anywhere near fluent, but the whole immersion thing along with the open attitudes of my coworkers helps a lot. I was left to do most of the evening activities before closing because the other tech left early. It was good to review everything on my own and make sure I understood. I also had the duty of returning dogs who had come in for grooming to their owners. Some were really surprised, some wanted to know more information about me, but nonetheless, the doctor was certainly enjoying it. I could hear him chuckle behind the counter each time I rounded the corner with a client's dog. They genuinely seem to really want to keep me, which makes me happy. I know it might take a bit for me to get everything down in routine, but it's a small facility where everyone seems more like family (something I missed having since Sprayberry).
The band. Things are going great. The interview is in the works...but because it all needs to be in English, I will have to do most of the talking. Luckily, the keyboardist can say some things too so it sounds more balanced ^.^ I am so excited that they'll be playing the show four times next month, and at different times so that my friends in the US might get a chance to hear if they want! I really hope this helps to expose more people to our music and band. What an incredible chance! It makes me excited about practicing more, making good recordings, and prepping for our winter show! Which, I want to mention something....even though it might be common for venues to send messages to a band after playing a show to invite them back for another, I don't find it so common in the US...so when the place we did our first show messaged us about December, I was really excited and flattered. The leaders decided to turn it down, though, because we really want to try Osaka...it's kind of important to spread out at this point with the way things are going. Thinking about all this, though....I feel the butterflies dancing around inside >.<
Okay...and here is what that title is about. I am loyal by nature. Sometimes, unfortunately. I have developed a guilt complex in the past month because of the many different things I feel. I feel grateful for having a job and even though I took a pay cut when I started, it's still an o.k. salary. I feel happy with most of my students. What I feel bad about it how things have changed in my mind. I feel like I've been caught in chaos. I don't understand expectations clearly most of the time, but it's not really my fault. I do what I think is wanted and it turns out to be wrong or someone changes their mind or it's responded to in a negative manner. (For example, I am told to re-confirm information instead of assuming, but the times I do try to confirm something, I am told to "look at the schedule" or something like that. Well...yeah. I did. But I am asking to re-confirm like I was told to do. What's the point if the response is always something along the lines of "don't bother me"? =_= ) It grates on me. I try to fulfill requests, but I feel like 90% of the time it is responded with negativity. The "feedback" I get is never about something good, it's always "you can't do this. This is wrong. This lacks _____." I understand the need for criticism, but ONLY criticism isn't good for growth. I'm so happy I have other people in my life who understand that (thankyouforAWESOMEbandmembersyeeaaaaahhh). The guilt comes in when I feel dread and exhaustion and I really start to feel like I'm not wanting to continue. I work hard. I try.And try. And try...but when there is absolutely no appreciable gain to an individual, it's really demotivating. I am not talking in terms of instant gratification, I'm talking about efforts bearing fruit. This place....well, it's no career...but to be there and have to just "get through the day" sometimes because of how people talk to or about me, well...it's ridiculous. Another thing that has bothered me increasingly is....when it is my off day, it's my OFF DAY. I am busy. Very busy. Outside of work, I'm always doing something. I don't need to think of work 24/7, it's not my job. I am not the manager, I am just a minion. Why, then, am I bothered constantly when it is not a work day for me? I am sent messages on my phone, in my personal e-mail, even on Facebook....This, to me, is an intrusion of personal space, and it stresses me out to the point where I don't sleep well, I can't relax, I can't really have an off-day. I spend my time thinking in the back of my head that I need to respond to someone's message or give feedback they really don't need from me immediately... I don't get why it had to come to this. And this is why I keep having thoughts about how to change things. First of all, being a teacher is by far NOT my passion. I have been doing what I have to to be here. It doesn't mean I don't try to do my job to the best of my ability, but expecting me to take on more and more with so much thanklessness when I am really starting to not enjoy any part of my job...well...-_- I feel bad because I know there are things the boss has had to take on and manage with the absence of a main organizer, but...well....I'm so friggen stressed! I feel backed into a corner. I am thankful to have an alternate job with such a different atmosphere to feel more of a release. Island-hopping, is...you know...jobs. I don't just want a job, I want to be going somewhere. That's why the other one is so important, it's more towards the career I'm wanting! I'm able to work with animals again! I don't have unsatisfied people always complaining about what or how I do something, I have dogs and cats who are clear about how they feel. This is the next step. I feel guilt because of my loyal tendencies, but...at what point does a person need to stay and be unhappy to make it easier for others? This comes down to my whole wanting to "help people with their dreams." But if I can't do anything seemingly right, do I really belong? And what about my own ambitions? I have many. I'm working hard for them. I'm still really not sure what to do next, but I am weighing a lot of things. Visa issues. Jobs. Health. Ambitions. Direction. Until the end I want to do my best, but with sentiments souring, it's hard for me to keep motivated.
Well, as I mentioned before, I've started working at a place I've only imagined working at. I'm learning many things and what's different here from vet clinics in the US. I'm finding that there are some things I know how to do that aren't done by techs here (the doctor has more control of operations, even small things like shots and blood samples.) and that there are things I'll learn for the first time (like actual grooming!). I think despite the slight barrier in language, things have been going pretty well. I'm learning more words and retaining more information and overall, I can mostly express what I need to ask or say. I know I have a long way to go before I am anywhere near fluent, but the whole immersion thing along with the open attitudes of my coworkers helps a lot. I was left to do most of the evening activities before closing because the other tech left early. It was good to review everything on my own and make sure I understood. I also had the duty of returning dogs who had come in for grooming to their owners. Some were really surprised, some wanted to know more information about me, but nonetheless, the doctor was certainly enjoying it. I could hear him chuckle behind the counter each time I rounded the corner with a client's dog. They genuinely seem to really want to keep me, which makes me happy. I know it might take a bit for me to get everything down in routine, but it's a small facility where everyone seems more like family (something I missed having since Sprayberry).
The band. Things are going great. The interview is in the works...but because it all needs to be in English, I will have to do most of the talking. Luckily, the keyboardist can say some things too so it sounds more balanced ^.^ I am so excited that they'll be playing the show four times next month, and at different times so that my friends in the US might get a chance to hear if they want! I really hope this helps to expose more people to our music and band. What an incredible chance! It makes me excited about practicing more, making good recordings, and prepping for our winter show! Which, I want to mention something....even though it might be common for venues to send messages to a band after playing a show to invite them back for another, I don't find it so common in the US...so when the place we did our first show messaged us about December, I was really excited and flattered. The leaders decided to turn it down, though, because we really want to try Osaka...it's kind of important to spread out at this point with the way things are going. Thinking about all this, though....I feel the butterflies dancing around inside >.<
Okay...and here is what that title is about. I am loyal by nature. Sometimes, unfortunately. I have developed a guilt complex in the past month because of the many different things I feel. I feel grateful for having a job and even though I took a pay cut when I started, it's still an o.k. salary. I feel happy with most of my students. What I feel bad about it how things have changed in my mind. I feel like I've been caught in chaos. I don't understand expectations clearly most of the time, but it's not really my fault. I do what I think is wanted and it turns out to be wrong or someone changes their mind or it's responded to in a negative manner. (For example, I am told to re-confirm information instead of assuming, but the times I do try to confirm something, I am told to "look at the schedule" or something like that. Well...yeah. I did. But I am asking to re-confirm like I was told to do. What's the point if the response is always something along the lines of "don't bother me"? =_= ) It grates on me. I try to fulfill requests, but I feel like 90% of the time it is responded with negativity. The "feedback" I get is never about something good, it's always "you can't do this. This is wrong. This lacks _____." I understand the need for criticism, but ONLY criticism isn't good for growth. I'm so happy I have other people in my life who understand that (thankyouforAWESOMEbandmembersyeeaaaaahhh). The guilt comes in when I feel dread and exhaustion and I really start to feel like I'm not wanting to continue. I work hard. I try.And try. And try...but when there is absolutely no appreciable gain to an individual, it's really demotivating. I am not talking in terms of instant gratification, I'm talking about efforts bearing fruit. This place....well, it's no career...but to be there and have to just "get through the day" sometimes because of how people talk to or about me, well...it's ridiculous. Another thing that has bothered me increasingly is....when it is my off day, it's my OFF DAY. I am busy. Very busy. Outside of work, I'm always doing something. I don't need to think of work 24/7, it's not my job. I am not the manager, I am just a minion. Why, then, am I bothered constantly when it is not a work day for me? I am sent messages on my phone, in my personal e-mail, even on Facebook....This, to me, is an intrusion of personal space, and it stresses me out to the point where I don't sleep well, I can't relax, I can't really have an off-day. I spend my time thinking in the back of my head that I need to respond to someone's message or give feedback they really don't need from me immediately... I don't get why it had to come to this. And this is why I keep having thoughts about how to change things. First of all, being a teacher is by far NOT my passion. I have been doing what I have to to be here. It doesn't mean I don't try to do my job to the best of my ability, but expecting me to take on more and more with so much thanklessness when I am really starting to not enjoy any part of my job...well...-_- I feel bad because I know there are things the boss has had to take on and manage with the absence of a main organizer, but...well....I'm so friggen stressed! I feel backed into a corner. I am thankful to have an alternate job with such a different atmosphere to feel more of a release. Island-hopping, is...you know...jobs. I don't just want a job, I want to be going somewhere. That's why the other one is so important, it's more towards the career I'm wanting! I'm able to work with animals again! I don't have unsatisfied people always complaining about what or how I do something, I have dogs and cats who are clear about how they feel. This is the next step. I feel guilt because of my loyal tendencies, but...at what point does a person need to stay and be unhappy to make it easier for others? This comes down to my whole wanting to "help people with their dreams." But if I can't do anything seemingly right, do I really belong? And what about my own ambitions? I have many. I'm working hard for them. I'm still really not sure what to do next, but I am weighing a lot of things. Visa issues. Jobs. Health. Ambitions. Direction. Until the end I want to do my best, but with sentiments souring, it's hard for me to keep motivated.
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