I have been trying to focus more and more on my vocal and athletic health since last month. It became really apparent to me in May with my fight against allergies that as a vocalist, the condition of my throat and everything surrounding it is an on-going balance of maintenance, training, and awareness. I feel like I've been at a slight disadvantage. If I were really able to, I'd want a vocal coach to help me improve more, faster..but the techniques I use are a combination of classical style, mixed with more of a performing arts/belting now. I really do not know much at all about what is offered here, but my impression is that it's few and far between and quite possibly very expensive to find a good match for these needs here...that, and my fluency is way too low to get professional instruction and understand it all..haha. Well, my point is, I've been trying to do all the research and practice and scheduling on my own. The internet is a wonderful thing that has allowed me a window into the world of vocal training and perspective, but it's still hard sometimes to know if I am taking the right approach. As I have said before, I want to become stronger as a vocalist. Athletically, I've been trying to focus on building my diaphragm more with strange excercises at the local park that earn me a few stares sometimes...I run laps up and down stairs, inhaling or hissing, trying to get my breath to last longer and longer and keeping the pressure heavy on my diaphragm. I know it looks strange. There are a lot of things I have discovered that help/are necessary for me now that are really strange. I used to be really really embarassed, but I'm starting to ease my way away from that. Anyways, despite the progress, I think I will continuously be frustrated. My voice is high and weak. Pitch-wise, it's okay for singing, but for MC...well, that's laughable. Being weak, though...not good. Not good for this industry, not good for the competition I'm having to face.
Recently, I've been so stressed out. The changes in job, living with a person who has high expectations and compulsive behavior (something really stressful to deal with alone), feeling like I'm not doing well in what I do again (the starting over/learning new things position =_=), and added pressure to push myself further in what I love to do....it's all added up to a constant strained feeling in my chest. Sometimes I experience panic attacks at no particular time, sometimes I just feel depressed all over and really unaccomplished. I feel so divided right now. Part of me is in a state of self-loathing, hating how low my level of communication ability is right now, frustrated at how frequent my mistakes are, and the other part is trying so hard to stay positive with reminding myself how wonderful and amazing the people around me are, how lucky I am to be here and have a job, how great it is to have what I have and experience what I am...I really can't hold on to any static emotion or thought. It's exhausting...
I did have an interesting experience today, though. On my way to the park, I encountered two very curious 8-year olds who inquired about where I was from, my age, why my eyes are blue, why my sunglasses are green, why my nails are long, giggled over the American rock music I was listening to, asked about America and if I ate with chopsticks, why I had so many freckles.... I really didn't mind the conversation. They were sweet little girls and the fact that they wanted to talk to me instead of staring like I was going to suck their blood was refreshing. As we finished the conversation, they asked me why I was going to the park down the road, and not the one up the hill from where I came (really, a kid's playground). They told me that one was much better because it has a bus and a water fountain to play in. I just laughed with the thought of how people would react if I actually ventured in there and explained that the park I was going to was large and had a lake....so they bid me farewell, and I continued on my way to do my usual routine in the park. It made me feel a little better about myself that I understood about 95% of what they said or asked. It's so easy to feel bad about my level of ignorance sometimes. I want to study more and learn more...but my schedule has been changing too much to keep up the studies.
Argh...there's always something happening. Something to deal with, something to get over, something to get by...sometimes this place can feel very lonely, especially when you're stuck in your head most of the time. I miss my friends in the US. I miss my dog. I miss American food and working at the vet. I miss being ignored when it's fine to be ignored and acknowledged when needed to be. (often, it's the opposite here). There are many, many things I carry around and try not to think about...maybe that's why I try to stay so busy...but there are times when it catches up to me.
Tomorrow is another day....^.^ and this week will be the first time in over a year I'll have my hair cut...first time ever in Japan. Wish me luck...~
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