Life Just Beginning...

    Golden Week has come and gone: it came with a rush of great relief for me, but left with much to lament. I've just now started to discover things about my area and gather more of what is necessary for me to live. I took an investment in buying things like shelves, and even a "closet" to make my little box of an apartment inhabitable. I'm slowly starting to feel a little more at ease with how my life is turning out. I was, until I got a surprise phone call from the training center...a call to tell me I will be watched *again* by a trainer, but this time, one that makes me extra nervous. About two weeks ago, a trainer visited my school to help me with issues I had with kids' lessons...now it is something to do with adult lessons. *sigh*  I know this is a good thing, especially since I have had to fend for myself with no head teacher, like other schools, but...well, there is something damaging that happens to my confidence every time I am told I will be "visited" again. I've been told it is because I have no one there to guide me, and that it is also normal for someone to "visit" everyone now and then...but I can't help but feel a little more insecure now. 
    Well, on to the things I am HAPPY about! On my own accord, I ventured past my little apartment to the other side of the highway. I found a 100 Yen shop and it made me happy. When Kenji visited, though, we traveled even further to discover a Daiei, a fantastic life-saving store ( where I got my new stuff during GW) that is a department store much like Walmart...it has food, furniture, clothes...it is great to have! And after that, we found a good little Okonomiyaki place and a 2nd hand store (thrift stores = AWESOME!!) aaaaand, something I am really excited about- kaiten sushi!!!  I think those are about the only things about Mondoyakujin that make me happy to be here, since the stations below and above me seem so much....better. In Nishinomiya Kitaguchi, we have a HUGE mall...I mean, it's 5 stories high ^.^   and in the surrounding area, more department stores and restaurants. It's actually not to bad walking from where I live to that area..about a 25-30 minute walk, but lots to see....then we have my recent discovery. Last night, I had the biggest craving for curry- Indian curry. Ever since I visited a friend in Nanba and had some extra awesome Indian food, I've wanted more. To my surprise, my handy little iphone pointed to one in Kotoen (one station away) upon which Kenji and i agreed to go. Great choice on my part! Not only was the food great, there is a whole "Little Asia" area surrounding this restaurant with the possible types of food I've been seeking! Vietnamese...Korean...Chinese...I will have to be a food tourist for awhile to see if it's all as wonderful as I am hoping. On the way to this place, though, I discovered something that made my heart skip a beat....a LIVE HOUSE!!! right next to a music studio! I am trying not to get my hopes up too high until I can see what kinds of bands play there, but...maybe...maybe I have a chance. Maybe there *is* a possibility that I can make the kinds of friends I came here to make, to find the kinds of people I need to look for, or to make a connection with something that will take me in the direction I want to go. I will hold my breath until this need is satiated. If not this one, then another..but at least I found one. 
    As time passes, I keep wondering exactly how selfish I am being. I feel like I have required tons of help, even in simple things...like finding a damn trash bag, or learning how to sort trash. Life is still aggravating in some areas, but the fact that I have someone there to help almost always...well, it makes me feel kind of remorseful. When is the last time I've been able to help someone this much? I hate that I can't do much on my own. I really am a kid again. The other thing is, I am way too emotional about being apart from my dog. I can't really even talk about it. I can't think about him much, either, or I begin to lose composure. It's crazy how weak you feel when you miss someone that much. I had to go through it when I was away from Kenji, but this is a little different. My dog was there. He kept me busy. He occupied my time and had a way of really calming my depression most of the time. I think it is different now because he really was like my kid. I had to get up early to feed him so he would be happy in starting the day,  he would distract me from feeling bad by forcing me to play with him...he even gave hugs if I needed them. I know, this sounds ridiculous-- he's a dog...but he's not just that, he's also a member of my new beginning of a family. Now that two members are here, we need our missing piece. Benji rounded out everything and made it even more of a balance. Doing things together to see him excited and happy...like hiking and going to the park, it became a partial routine we never seemed to take for granted. 
   Enough about that, though. I am sure that I'll be able to have him here by sometime next year. I'll just have to focus on that as well as getting my head on straight and figure out what I am really doing here. Sometimes it is hard to see a path to your deliberate purpose for something once you've gotten to a certain point. I know I need to give myself a little more time to settle and get the feel of how it's going to be here. In a sense, I really am going through trials that may lead to be better enlightenment. I just need to find more grace with how I deal with them.