This is mostly a rant on current things pondered. I am realizing more and more each day I must go to work that when you are forced to do something you are not passionate about, your insides come to dread the mornings more than usual, and you find it takes more effort to pull yourself out of bed than when you were an emo kid in highschool. You find that your alone time in the shower is spent soaking up a few moments of peace, then replacing those thoughts with ones of just..."running away." How easy it would be to just...disappear. I feel that sometimes, the weaker person in me has a stronger opinion and tempts me far too often with lavish ideas of hitting the road as a fugitive....like a Bonnie and Clyde scene, but without all the money robberies and western shoot-outs. My dreams have been turning to nightmares about work, and my chest tightens just considering what time I need to leave for the day. It is getting harder and harder for me to stay, and even harder to be genki with a smile all the time.
I'm not saying it is absolute Hell, but being so far from Kenji and my dog all the time...well, I am still lucky, but I can't help but want more. I can't help but feel how I do, and I can't help who I am. I think that is the biggest problem I am having right now, is not being really accepted, and also not being good at what I do, despite my efforts. Every weekend gets harder to leave behind. I get more and more depressed every time I see Kenji leave to go back to where I need to be. I have had uncontrollable waves of despair thinking of how long it will be until my little "family" is together again. A year can feel like a lifetime when you're doing something you just don't feel passionate about doing. I know where I'm going...it's just difficult to wait that long.
I think one of the reasons I feel so stressed and misearable as of late is that my other foreign co-worker is always on edge, tense, angry, and short tempered. I know he tries to teach me what he can when he has to, but I can never ever relax around him. I feel terrible still that I am the poor replacement for someone who was his friend, and I am a little more than disappointing to be around, but I also feel less than obligated to befriend someone with such a huge stick up their ass. I know he has a lot on his plate and that everyone does a crapload more than me at my school right now, but I also didn't ask to be a problem child or to come into this without knowing half of what is required of me. I can't apologize for something that's not my fault. I can't help but be a nuisance for awhile longer...I hate myself here, but there's nothing I can do but trudge forward to the next step.
Well, other than meditating, there is something else keeping me going. In the mornings on the train, gazing past the old people staring at me and out the window at the mountains, I remind myself that it is the successful people in life that ask, "how can I get there," instead of "why not me," when thinking about what they want. I've done it before. I've gotten to Japan and past college and through other difficult things in life by asking and answering that important question. The things I see for my "tomorrow" are both difficult and far, but I need to think more of how and not why. I want to/need to move...I need another way of living...I need to re-start. Before I can do this, I must plan HOW and also when...but for now, with 10 more months of waiting, it's a spinning heartache.
And them comes the second part to this. As mentioned before, sometimes alcohol seems to be the only answer at the end of the day. I'm not saying I get drunk off my ass, but I do need a drink here or there to take the edge off of what I went through for the day. I'll just call it meditation juice..haha. Well, there is another need...when I'm with Kenji Saturday night or Sunday, we have something to drink. There's always a toast..."kanpai..." and what always goes through my mind is "for tomorrow...." We have to work so hard for tomorrow...but it will be better then. Tomorrow is the dream I'm working towards. I wish I could lie and tell people that yeah, I'm living my dream. But the truth is, I'm not there yet...I'm not even close. I haven't really started. I'm trying, but...well, the question is WHEN, not why won't I... ^.^
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