Due to the nature of events in my life lately, blogging has become a rarity. I've been longing more and more to keep the problems I face at a minimal share rate and I've wanted to learn better ways of handling things alone...because utterly, that's what I've been faced with. Dealing with friends leaving and people losing touch, I've felt the need to combat my own battles silently, as reaching out makes it harder to overcome if there's an additional rejection added to the equation. Anxiety aside, I'll be honest in saying that the past 6 months or so have been a long, trying process of trying to win over certain circumstances, but mostly and foremost, myself. Today I did something that was harder for me to do than I'd like to have known to the people involved. For the second time in my life, I had to walk away from something I worked so hard to get, fought so hard to keep and thought for so long that that was what I wanted. But in all things considered, I'd rather sacrifice my self in that position than give up what I want more than anything. I was pushed to this point, there was no winning and no overcoming where I was. One of my weaknesses is giving up and letting go...I'm tenacious by nature and usually stubborn. I like to see things through to the end, especially if I feel that I want it bad enough...but I've come to realize that sometimes it takes more strength to walk away than to cling to something that just isn't going to be.
I would like to say, though, that through all of this, I've been fortunate enough to see more of where I want to be, where I'm going to be. I've been lucky to still have amazing people in my life that still believe that somehow I will overcome all this and find "who" I am. With the last show, I was also able to see more of how nothing should have to be in the way of music. I can't help how people feel or don't feel about me. I'm learning, though, that it doesn't matter. If someone can't take who I am, then they need not be involved in my life. I've cared too much for too long about how everyone else thinks and feels, I've pushed my own needs and for that matter, pieces of my sanity aside. At least in seeing this I'm closer to being what I need to be.
I've fallen and I can't seem to stand on my feet quite yet. However, in my staggering to regain my stance, I have seen the dire need of attending to needs I've neglected. I also so more reasons to stay inspired rather than to fall victim to the voice that's been stuck in my head. I have too many great people around me, higher ground to keep my eyes on. For now, my mission is to find a way out of feelings of shame and despair and into a more balanced feeling of peace and inner worth. Taking a step back from what I *think* I want and focusing on what I *REALLY* want is one of the stages...but in order to do that, I must also figure out who "I" am.
I'll be fine. I'm 100% sure I've made the right choice, that I'm here for all the right reasons. It's only just begun. I may stumble more along the way...but I'm on the path of something great. And for now...I'm back to doing a job that pays....it's something I "do," not who or what I am. I'm happy to be back in something comfortable, though. This way, I can dedicate more time and thought to the process that really matters. Everything happens for a reason, but it's often the choices we make with what we're given that leads us to the next thing. I've learned a lot. There were many, many things that I was able to experience. That alone is invaluable. The next step? I'm going to re-discover what I love here and focus more of my energy on the great and wonderful! ^.^ Don't let all this "happy" talk fool you, though...I'm also taking the time to examine all the suffering I'm experiencing as well. I find it, too, is something crucial to be understood and acknowledged in order to grow. So here's to growth...spiritual pursuit....and REALLY becoming awesome.
No comments:
Post a Comment