Confessions

I've been feeling pressure immensely since late last year. It's almost like I pushed through it long enough to "get away" for awhile with my trip to the US... The problem is, there was no escape or time for me to really gather or re-compose. Instead, I found more troubles to take back with me.  The reminder that what I once knew has moved away from the place I once had, and so that place is no longer. The reminder of all the things I miss out on and all the little ways I've drifted further away from everything and everyone. The questions about who and what I am, what I'm doing, and if the direction I'm trying to go is really right. All I gave up. All I left behind. All that's left me behind.
Then I came back. To be honest, I couldn't wait to return. With how I felt during my trip, it's almost like I started thinking that life had made it easier for me to skip any indecision altogether and has forced me to continue onward in this direction.  But... The truth is, I have to say the feelings of detachment and loneliness have grown, and the fact that my best friend will soon be leaving here too makes it all the more powerful. My coworkers are nice, but there's no relationship. No commonality to really chat about, so nobody really talks to me outside of telling me what to do or explaining things. What's worse, is I make so many stupid, stupid mistakes. I'm at the point right now where I don't even know why or how I do some things sometimes. Inside, I'm screaming...I just want to make them happy to have me instead of being someone who is regrettably there. I want to help and be valuable, not someone who just causes more work for everyone else. To be honest, I really hate who I am right now. I feel so unworthy of so many things in my life right now and another part of me is scared of it all slipping away because I'm  turning out to be such a disappointment. Failure is about the only thing I'm good at for the moment.
Another anxiety I've been carrying..... My health has been worsening by the day. I'm scared out of my mind with what's happening to me. My thyroid problems seem to be out of control. It's a struggle to go to sleep. When I do, I wake up anywhere from one to three in the morning in a panic attack and it takes at least another hour to get back to sleep. My weight varies so much, i feel like the f-ing Nutty Professor. Yeah... I wish i could laugh about that one. i dont want to really eat because of all the digestive problems. I'm losing vocal control and parts of my range. My voice now waivers when I try sustaining a note in warm-up, and I can't keep my passagio connected. I'm freaking out inside because I have no control. My throat is swollen and sore and my voice has been coming and going. It's hard to eat, it hurts to drink, I have to apply pressure around my throat to really swallow sometimes. My depression has been so incredibly awful that I've found it best to just not interact with anyone if it can be helped. I hate where I am right now, and I don't want others to have to deal with it.
I don't really know how to change, but it's a necessity. I have many things I have responsibility for, things that can't end with disappointment. I'm trying to look at all this as another period of growth, but my fear of  going past the tipping point before I can climb to the next level is consuming. So for now, this is me and where I stand.