Bitter Pills from Yesterday

I suppose the only positive way to look at this is as another interesting life experience. I'm not trying to say the visit I had was terrible, but in long moments when I was by myself in my head, it was nothing short of a bittersweet awakening. When there doesn't seem to be much interest in your experiences and stories you'd like to share are refused, it's hard to feel anything other than intrusive in  conversation. It has been awhile since I've felt the outright unequal imbalance of  my sentiments versus those of others.
Maybe it's the reaction to my resignation and determination of "not coming back" that makes this scenario different than other friends who have lived abroad. Perhaps it is that only a fading interest still remains, and that's quenched by my updates via social media or blog.  Regardless, the distance and void  is unequivocally regarded with completely different views.
I'm learning how true it is that what people care about is what you can do for them. I never gave enough or did anything important enough before I left to make a large enough impact to last up to now. It's kind of like seeing a preview of how the world continues on after your funeral. No longer a part of the life you left behind, people forget and forget to miss you. The good part in seeing all this is that it's clearer than ever that I don't belong and there really isn't anything for me to come back to. Once you leave, you can't really go back. Things change and paths turn away from where you were. The thing I've also realized is that coming back at one year intervals is far too frequent. Maybe when I visit after being gone for three to five years the experience will be different. Either way, the only direction I can go is forward. And despite what some people may argue, I am alone. I have none who can understand what I'm facing, so the next step I need to take is figuring out how to become what I need to be on my own.
Being on the fringes of what I used to know and coming back often enough to see it pull away from me, it's definitely an eye opener. I will always love the people I knew and all I had with them, but I also need to find a way to make a place I belong in the direction I'm headed. Another chapter of confusion, another period of growth. As a warning for anyone curious, though, pursuing dreams and the journey to what you want to be is very lonely. I suppose it's the world's way of separating those who can suffer for a cause and those who can't survive. The mind can be wonderful, but it's also often a terrible thing. For the time being though, it seems to be the only thing static for me.