In a Land of Confuzzlement and Triumph

As of late, there has been much confusion with just about everything (no surprise, right? ^^; )I'm not sure how I feel about a lot of things. Some days, I find I'm just so stressed out and mad at myself that I wonder how I can change. I still have a lot of self-hate and frustration that I carry with me every day. Some days I can ignore it, some days it consumes me and it's so hard for me to act like everything is okay. But even if I'm battling myself again, I can at least see the wonderful things that I have in my life. I'm still incredibly lucky with where I am and who I have around me. My friends both in Japan and America are nothing short of amazing and wonderful. 
  Living here can be scary, though. I've been pursued by the crazy lady a few more times...I'm more than convinced that she has a form of paranoid schizophrenia with a dissociative fugue co-morbid with some kind of drug abuse (alcohol). I have many reasons to assume this, mostly due to her observed behavior, both when she's been in my face screaming and grabbing as well as when I've identified her at a distance. I try not to take the attacks personally, but when I have feelings of not being safe and having to look over my shoulder constantly on my way home at night, it brings back memories I've tried forgetting from a past that just didn't treat me very well. It's interesting how we re-live our fears and panic in similar ways but in different situations. I feel a little helpless because my language ability is so limited. I sometimes wonder what would happen if she really did manage to attack me and if I could really get someone to help. For now, it's a sick game of duck/hide/ or run. 
  A lot of my frustrations, though, come from lack of clarity and being told more information after the fact. After I've messed up or failed without having had a chance to NOT fail. I'm the kind of person who needs to understand expectations and guidelines before acting, or else I'll most definitely disappoint. It's so frustrating when I'm trying my hardest to make so many different people happy and I don't really know what they want from me. I can see the disappointment drift in and out of their expressions and all I can try to think is that part of it really isn't my fault. I'm trying to be positive and not blame things partially out of my control entirely on myself...I'm trying..... but in the back of my mind, I continue to think that where I am now, the things that are making me unhappy, it's my fault. It's my fault that I'm stuck in a certain place because I haven't improved. It's my fault for not being more fluent and my fault for taking on things that I can't handle gracefully.  I think the complex I have can come out when I feel like my students are giving me more than I can give them as a teacher. I feel bad...I'm not good at this. I'm not a natural teacher and although I want to be able to provide answers, I can't.
  Some days, though, all of these things don't pile so high on my conscience. Some times, I'm taught something new and wonderful by someone really kind or understanding...sometimes I feel like I can learn more and I feel more motivated to push forward harder. Some days I see things that really make me laugh...like my boss tap-dancing out the door and down the stairs of our work building to shuffle a cockroach away from the office. XD     Or a student presentation in English that resembles more of a manzai skit than a serious effort to use a different language. I try to keep in mind something one of my band leaders told me awhile back, "do something you love or think of something that makes you laugh every day."  This has really helped me more than he'll ever know. I only hope to become as great of a person as the people I have around me.  I've said before that I want to work to change or help people through music...I've written so many lyrics recently, but I wonder sometimes if my words would mean anything to someone else. I'm sure, though, that there will be someone somewhere who may need them someday...that's my hope, at least.  ^_^; 
   My leader has been working hard to try to promote us in Italy. I truly admire her. I know if I were in her position here, I might be too intimidated because I feel most of the time, when I try speaking, I can't say what I need to or want to and I leave people feeling confused. The problem with trying to learn on your own is when using a dictionary....it doesn't tell you if it's a bad word or rarely used or only written.. =_=; I say so many things that are unnecessary or outright strange.But at least with all the translating I've had to do, I think I am learning a little more...and the fact that they need me to re-word things in English, I feel more like a contributing member again. I can't wait for the 26th! It's another awesome day of band practice but also a recording day...I'm back on a diet and strict practice again...let's cross our fingers that I can build up my voice decently for our next cd! ^.^